> Nine Inch Nails - Ruiner
> Oakenfold - Dread Rock
> Orbital - Technologicque Park
> Velvet Acid Christ - Slut

I am really pissed, I typed a really long entry on the shitty computers at the library and I used backspace to delete something and it all got erased. Fucking computers from 6,000 BC. Anyway, my mom wasted a good two hours there, by doing things (the hard way…at the library) that she could have easily done at home, and taking millions of hours rearranging these fucking papers. I swear, if there was ever a ‘wasting time while pretending to do shit’ olympics, she’d get a freaking gold medal. Well, there was this tall kinda-hot latin guy there, so that kept me occupied. Ruiner is almost as good as Closer for absorbing cuteness. Oh, I am sooooo depressed I missed the gay pride parade here, it was day-before-yesterday :(((((((((( but I guess I would have been disturbed by the queens. Queens are invariably scary, but like, happy singing ones on ecstasy are even skarier. I should have marched with the “Goths Against Flamboyance League”. Lol. Gender roles are so ’90s, but still. Ah, my first shred of conservatism! Lol, I still wish I could have gone. :(. Well, I guess I’ll sign off….OMG I just remembered! I bought Battlestar Galactica and Episode IV Star Wars lunchboxes! I so can’t wait for them, I am going to be literally glued to my Battlestar Galactica one for weeks. Yeah, they should arrive before Friday, if I’m lucky. After my trip to the Village, (if I have any money left) I’m going to buy my chain mail links, I’m not sure whether to get the littler ones (to make heaver grade chain mail) or the bigger ones (in order to finish before I have any gray hairs). Well, I’d better get going, I have that feeling that I’m supposed to do something. More like buy something, but still…

> Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

I’m profoundly depressed, but I’m not ready to “tell the public” why yet. If only my friends had this journal’s URL, maybe, but I gave it to some of my family too, so I can’t say what’s on my mind. I took the What Nine Inch Nails Song Are You quiz on Quizilla, I was “The Great Below”. It fit. The description at the end was “Extremely sensitive, you are still waiting for that one love to either return or come into your life for the first time. You know deep down that you’re going to end up getting hurt again, but you’re still hopeful.” Well, my mom wants to watch Caddyshack with me, I can deal with some good inane entertainment.

> Garbage - Queer
> Chemical Brothers - Let Forever Be
June 20, 2003: Today was kind of cool, I woke up at about one AM, but I didn’t try to go back to sleep. I wanted to read more on Atlas Shrugged (I’ve been reading it for months on end in Dad’s cheap-o 8pt font paperback), so I looked at my page in my small-print version, and found basically where I was in the big-print one I had gotten at Barnes & Noble, and read it for a long while. I came across this part that made me really question myself, I’m going to reprint it, let me get my book…okay…Hank Rearden and Fransisco d’Anconia are talking, and Hank said something about Fransisco portraying himself as a womanizer chasing after floozies. Fransisco replied “Well, the man who despises himselftries to gain self-esteem from sexual andventures–which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value.” Hank asks him to elaborate. “[some people] think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you…they say that sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself….He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself,…The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strogest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possesion of a brinless slut.” I think of some of the really disgusting (to me) people I’ve had *relations* with, and it makes me think that I have no self-esteem, in the deepest inner reaches of my mind. Well, from now on you have to have read Of Human Bondage, Atlas Shrugged, and listen to Nine Inch Nails, Orgy, and…eh who am I kidding, I’d better just stick to no sex until college. Anyway, while I’m grappling with the psychological and moral implications of this, I should continue with my narrative. Anyway, after reading Atlas Shrugged for a few hours, I picked up Of Human Bondage and read a few pages of the introduction by Gore Vidal. I think Philip’s club-foot represented his homosexuality, not his stutter. Cretins. I just love that book. Anyway, my mom came in and wanted something, then left. I retired to the basement a while later, with a stack of books and my CD player. I listened to CDs for a time, until I decided I was tired and went back to bed, to sleep until eight or nine. I got up, and had some toast for breakfast. I played Caesar III for a few hours, until Rose started bothering me. I was still in my PJs, so I walked her around the back yard for a bit. She wanted to go for a walk walk, and I wasn’t dressed for one, so I put her back inside. Luckily, my mom was back from her interview. I asked her whether we could walk to the beauty supply for my hair color and Lowes’ for a pot for Navarre (my tree seedling), she said yes, so I turned off Caesar III, and took a (lengthy, of course,) shower. I shaved the top half of my right leg like, above the knee. I don’t know why, I guess I like showers and any excuse to make them longer is never turned down. Anyway, I got ready and we walked Rose around the block first. Mom was getting damn annoying in her strange insistences on which streets to walk down (it’s our routine!) Dogs are animals, as in they adapt. Especially to not going down a certain street. Entry #10 on my who fucking gives a shit? list: dog walking routines. She kept making me walk faster and shit, I was like this isn’t a race, goddamnit. Bitch. Anyway, we got done with the walk, and my mom took a like, four hour nap (from walking the dog? wuss.), and I played Caesar III all the way through it. She woke up, and we never did go, because her boxes came and she bitched me out for eating pizza with no plate. Fuck her. I’ll eat pizza on a flying trapeze if I want to. Anyway, we never did go anywhere, but supposedly we’re going to the library (i.e. internet) tomorrow, I hope they let people use floppy disks, so I can post my posts I’ve been typing in this notepad document (or I could burn it on CD if they don’t). I think the latter seems more likely to succeed. Well, I’m a bit tired, I have the A/C blasting in my mom’s room (where the computer is) and I’m watchin the video for “Let Forever Be”, it’s so trippy. Anyway, I’m done with my post so I think I’ll get ready for bed (god, this one is like a page!).

> Jennifer Lopez - Let’s Get Loud
June 19, 2003: Today was kind of fun, I woke up at 4am, ravenously thirsty, drank a quarter gallon of plain soymilk, went back to sleep. Rose was bothering me, and my mom came down to use the bathroom so I told her that Rose wanted to be walked. I got up later, Gail was up, and was asking Mom to cut her hair (I have to wait centuries for any hair adjustment, but I digress), and Mom started cutting it. I took a shower and got ready to go to this store or something, I didn’t really care where it was as long as it was public, (my life is one continuous fashion show, as those who know me can attest to). Anyway, I wore my holey saftey-pinned jeans over my blue plaid PJs, my bondage belt, Munkee, my black fishnet-sleeve shirt, and my ersatz-vinyl overshirt. Anyway, after Gail’s haircut, and the (attempted?) trimming of Alexis’s toenails, we piled into the car, only to discover that a police car had paralell-parked and blocked our exit. After about ten minutes of waiting, we went back into the house, the lady next door had been choking and called 911. When the police car and ambulance left, we got in and voyaged to this little “mall” with a only a Nine West, Bass, perfume shop, lingere shop, and another shoe store. It was two stories and had lots of closed storefronts. We entered the Nine West. Gail tried on shoes while my mom looked at some shoes, and later sang annoying songs to Alexis. I think Alexis found them annoying as well, because she wasn’t really paying attention to my mom’s inane singsong jabbering, she was dancing, well mostly jumping up and down and moving her arms, but dancing it was. Gail found this pair of sneakers she liked, and bought them. We then moved on to the Bass. I thought, eh, old-person shoe store, nothing to see here, so I turned my people-radar off. Alexis was hungry, and Gail had to run back to the car to get her some juice and cheese, so I sat and amused her with Munkee. I am so glad I brought him, or I would have been out of luck. Anyway, I was making Munkee do flips and watching Alexis’s reactions, when I noticed an Adonis walking down the aisle toward me. He was delicious, latino, looked like a 18-year-old version of Mario Lopez. Gaydar: 6.5. I was like, drool……but I played it cool. When Gail came back, and we walked to the front of the store, he passed, and I was able to check out his ass (I felt so incognito, lol). My mom got two pairs of shoes, one pair a somewhat dressy leather sandal bit, and the other a less-dressy strappy sandal thing. Afther the purchase, we ambled into the other part of Bass, the part that sells clothes. I was kind of in a fog from Mario Lopez Clone and the overpowering smell of leather, so it took me a second to realize I was staring at this person with blond hair. Actually before the realization that I was staring was wondering whether this specimen my vision had gravitated to was male or female. I swear, I am from another planet. It spoke (obviously male) and had this Swiss/German accent. Drool. Anyway, I checked out the ties, none of them called out to me, and we seemed to drift toward the stairs. Mom gravitated toward the Lingere store, while Gail, Alexis and I went up the stairs to the second level (with one shoe store and four abandoned storefronts). The shoe store up there had good selection, Gail got two pairs of shoes, and I tried my hardest to keep Alexis amused. I don’t know kids, but I did keep her from going into the elevator, down the stairs, screaming, or running around, without physical intervention. I guess I intrigued her. Well, after the lengthy shoe-buying escapade upstairs, we proceeded to the lower level, and out into the parking lot. Gail decided to return these shoes she’d bought in Nine West, so we waited until she came back. We proceeded home, Alexis (all of us, actually) were hungry, so we refueled at Grandma’s. Gail and Alexis went back home after a meal, and I returned to Caesar III. Mom borrowed the car from Grandpa, and we journeyed to the PathMark down the street, and spent $120 bucks on nothing but contact solution, various toiletries, soy milk, and some ice cream. Grandma made dinner later, but I was really, really tired (as I am now, writing this at 7pm on the 20th), and I went to bed.

> Basement Jaxx - Yo-Yo
June 18, 2003: I woke up late, at about 10PM, and watched moronic sitcoms and early morning news all night until about six when Mom and Grandma were up. They had kind of a bit of an early breakfast, I think I had a waffle or something. I bugged my mom to do my hair the whole time, which she loathed. They told me that my aunt Gail and little cousin Alexis were coming to the house (in North Bergen) from their house in Mont-something I want to say Monticello, but I know that’s wrong. Anyway, I finally got Mom to do my hair, after an inexorably long wait while everyone had gone back to sleep. It turned out that the color we got wasn’t black enough, it kinda pissed me off, but it didn’t ravage my hair too bad so (I’m writing this on the 19th) today my mom and I are supposed to walk over to the beauty supply here and get black black. Anyway, Gail and 2 1/2 year old Alexis arrived, she didn’t seem too eager to talk to me, but Mom had told me she was shy. Gail was a bit surprised with my fashion change (I had shopped at Old Navy last time she’d seen me), but was still herself. I think we went somewhere–oh yeah, we went out to eat at this diner with this weird eclectic decor. Yes, my use of the word eclectic in this sentence equates to “random shit”, but I suppose “random old shit” would be their theme. But, I digress. People were staring more than usual, I thought it a bit strange, but I got this hella-yummy pastrami and swiss triple-decker sandwich that kept me occupied for a while. Alexis had fries and chicken nuggets, Gail had this weird thing called like–umm–gosh I don’t remember but the name was kind of French and it was french toast with cheese and ham on it, it looked yummy. Mom got a Greek salad, it looked a bit fetid. After late lunch, we journeyed to Barnes & Noble in Edgewater (NJ). They were building condos there like it was going out of style, there were only two hulking steel frames last time I was there, now there were six buildings, counting the ones that used to be frames, and four halfway-completed ones nearer to the waterfront. Anyway, we went into B&N, Alexis in tow. Mom, Gail, and Alexis went into the childrens’ book section, while I headed straight for Fiction/Literature. I picked up everything I loved, and ended up spending 74 bucks. I got a normal-print version of Ayn Rand’s “Atlas Shrugged” (it is absolutely huge), a volume of all of Franz Kafka’s stories (The Metamorphosis being one), a copy of The Scarlet Letter, a normal-print version of W. Somerset Maugham’s “Of Human Bondage” (huge as well), a copy of Slaughterhouse-five (I felt guilty about stealing one of the school’s copies), and a book of H.G. Wells’s stories (The Time Machine, The Island Of Dr. Moreau, The Invisible Man, and War Of The Worlds). I’d read every story in that book except The Invisible Man, I hope it’ll be good, I love all the others. Alexis seemed to be getting tired/cranky, so we started the voyage back home instead of going to any other stores. Unfortunately, Alexis had other ideas, she wanted to go to McDonalds and Old Navy, so we took her to the park to tire her out. It was kind of fun, but I was ravenously thirsty. But, then again, the swings never get old. They’ll still be fun when I’m seventy-five. Anyway, we went home, and I played Caesar III for hours on end. I conquered Syracusae! Barbarous Italians, Psha! Taste my legions. Anyway, after that, they were putting Alexis to bed (in my room, unfortunately, and I was hella-tired, so I grabbed a blanket from the cedar chest downstairs and crashed on the basement couch, with a pile of books surrounding it.