> Garbage – Queer
> Chemical Brothers – Let Forever Be
June 20, 2003: Today was kind of cool, I woke up at about one AM, but I didn’t try to go back to sleep. I wanted to read more on Atlas Shrugged (I’ve been reading it for months on end in Dad’s cheap-o 8pt font paperback), so I looked at my page in my small-print version, and found basically where I was in the big-print one I had gotten at Barnes & Noble, and read it for a long while. I came across this part that made me really question myself, I’m going to reprint it, let me get my book…okay…Hank Rearden and Fransisco d’Anconia are talking, and Hank said something about Fransisco portraying himself as a womanizer chasing after floozies. Fransisco replied “Well, the man who despises himselftries to gain self-esteem from sexual andventures–which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value.” Hank asks him to elaborate. “[some people] think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you…they say that sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself….He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself,…The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strogest, the hardest to conquer–because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possesion of a brinless slut.” I think of some of the really disgusting (to me) people I’ve had *relations* with, and it makes me think that I have no self-esteem, in the deepest inner reaches of my mind. Well, from now on you have to have read Of Human Bondage, Atlas Shrugged, and listen to Nine Inch Nails, Orgy, and…eh who am I kidding, I’d better just stick to no sex until college. Anyway, while I’m grappling with the psychological and moral implications of this, I should continue with my narrative. Anyway, after reading Atlas Shrugged for a few hours, I picked up Of Human Bondage and read a few pages of the introduction by Gore Vidal. I think Philip’s club-foot represented his homosexuality, not his stutter. Cretins. I just love that book. Anyway, my mom came in and wanted something, then left. I retired to the basement a while later, with a stack of books and my CD player. I listened to CDs for a time, until I decided I was tired and went back to bed, to sleep until eight or nine. I got up, and had some toast for breakfast. I played Caesar III for a few hours, until Rose started bothering me. I was still in my PJs, so I walked her around the back yard for a bit. She wanted to go for a walk walk, and I wasn’t dressed for one, so I put her back inside. Luckily, my mom was back from her interview. I asked her whether we could walk to the beauty supply for my hair color and Lowes’ for a pot for Navarre (my tree seedling), she said yes, so I turned off Caesar III, and took a (lengthy, of course,) shower. I shaved the top half of my right leg like, above the knee. I don’t know why, I guess I like showers and any excuse to make them longer is never turned down. Anyway, I got ready and we walked Rose around the block first. Mom was getting damn annoying in her strange insistences on which streets to walk down (it’s our routine!) Dogs are animals, as in they adapt. Especially to not going down a certain street. Entry #10 on my who fucking gives a shit? list: dog walking routines. She kept making me walk faster and shit, I was like this isn’t a race, goddamnit. Bitch. Anyway, we got done with the walk, and my mom took a like, four hour nap (from walking the dog? wuss.), and I played Caesar III all the way through it. She woke up, and we never did go, because her boxes came and she bitched me out for eating pizza with no plate. Fuck her. I’ll eat pizza on a flying trapeze if I want to. Anyway, we never did go anywhere, but supposedly we’re going to the library (i.e. internet) tomorrow, I hope they let people use floppy disks, so I can post my posts I’ve been typing in this notepad document (or I could burn it on CD if they don’t). I think the latter seems more likely to succeed. Well, I’m a bit tired, I have the A/C blasting in my mom’s room (where the computer is) and I’m watchin the video for “Let Forever Be”, it’s so trippy. Anyway, I’m done with my post so I think I’ll get ready for bed (god, this one is like a page!).
Categories: Uncategorized