the diary of antoine roquentin

> The CD I just burned, entitled “The Mark Has Been Made”. Yes, that’s the first track’s name, if you must know. By Nine Inch Nails, of course.

I’ve been frantically packing all night, I am so tired, but I must finish. I got $100 from my dad yesterday, bringing the grand total to $385. I’m going to spend sixty on this stainless steel briefcase I saw at rite-aid last month. It’s so gravy, but my mom (as usual) is bitching about it. Fuck her. If I want to spend my $385 bucks on thirty cubic tons of horse shit, I can. Anyway, I went out to dinner with dad tonight, and this weird couple were there, I know my dad sets up these things so him, his gf, and those “horse people” as I call them can converse. I guess I’ve been reduced to an attache. Oh well, it’s not like I ever have anything to say anyway. I talk about my friends/life/revelations on American neo-fascism and they talk about horses. Eh, I’m jealous. Who cares. While I was droning out my dad and Lisa’s banal jabbering about horses, I was meditating on the people in the next booth, and one of the waiters. The people in the next booth were the family of Kristen, this bubbly-happy prep turned sexless devotee of education. I hate to admit it, but she is perfect in every single way. Attractive, smart, how boring. People like her should be taken out and shot. But I suppose the world needs driven people like her. Anyway, regarding the waitor, my gaydar goes off on a 9.0 when I look at him. I just know it. I want to go up to him and scream out ARE YOU GAY?! CAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW! But of course, I will never be able to know whether my assumptions are correct. He has the “gay ass”, from my experiences gay guys have a specifically shaped ass, and he has it. God, I have too much time on my hands. I had a craving desire to listen to NIN’s “Terrible Lie” after we ate, so I forgot to ask Dad if I could store stuff at his house during the summer. I’m almost certain he’ll say yes, but I keep forgetting. Oh well. I’ll ask tomorrow. If he says no, it’ll be off to the storage rental place. I forgot to unplug the cable modem last night, so I have the internet for one more day. YAY!!!! I got CD-Rs at Wal-Mart today and I just finished burning all the backups and my new CD that I’m listening to right now. My mother is still being hella-annoying. I just steer clear of her during the day, and do whatever I need to do during the night. I don’t think I’m going to sleep tonight, too much to do. Got to buy a yearbook tomorrow, buy my briefcase, return the cable modem, pick up the pictures, god my head is spinning. I’m going to have to pack up Leslie today, so this will be my last entry for a while. I don’t know whether she’s going to stay in boxes at dad’s house, or whether we’re taking her. I think she’ll stay boxed at Dad’s. Too bad I won’t have time to hook her up next to Montag, I think they’d get along well, if Leslie didn’t get processor envy. I know that was lame. Anyway, I still need to pack some stuff, and maybe I’ll rest for a few hours until I have to get up and finish everything.

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> A Perfect Circle – Judith

Was bored, so I put on some headphones and cleaned out the kitchen cabinets. Tomorrow I’m officially going offline, I’m going to backup everything and pack Leslie up, so if I’m unavailable online and/or I don’t reply to your e-mails, that’s why. Well, I’m going to ask my mom when we can get some CD-Rs, then retreat to my room and play Neopets or Diablo II, if it’ll run.

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My mother won’t leave me alone, I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH. SHE WILL NOT LET ME DO ANYTHING WITHOUT FUCKING BOTHERING ME ABOUT IT I WISH SHE WAS DEAD, I WOULD NEVER HAVE TO HEAR HER FUCKING ANNOYING VOICE ANY MORE. I WOULD LOVE TO FUCKING RIP HER GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING THROAT OUT. I feel like telling Dad about her whole little plan. She is such a BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE HER MORE THAN ANYONE ON THIS EARTH. ONE MORE DERISIVE COMMENT TO ME FOLLOWED BY AN INSULT ABOUT ME TO HER FRIEND THAT’S HELPING HER PACK AND I REALLY WILL SLIT HER FUCKING THROAT. SHE FUCKING INSULTS AND INSULTS ME AND ALL THAT FUCKING BUBBLY LAUGHTER, I WANT TO CAUSE HER MORE PAIN THAN ANYONE HAS EXPERIENCED ON THIS EARTH. I WANT TO BEAT THAT STUPID FUCKING WHORE SENSELESS. GOD I CAN’T WAIT TO BE FREE OF HER FUCKING ORAL DEFECATION, EVERY TIME I HEAR HER TALK I WANT TO PUKE. I WILL BE SO FUCKING HAPPY WHEN I’M AT GAIL’S AND SHE’S AT GRANDMA & GRANDPA’S. THEN I’LL BE ABLE TO HAVE SOME GODDAMN FUCKING TIME TO MYSELF. GOD I WISH SHE WOULD FUCKING STOP TALKING TO ME, I HATE HER MORE THAN THE EARTH AND THE STARS, MORE THAN FUCKING MOLTEN LAVA, I WISH LAVA WOULD RAIN FROM THE SKY AND FUCKING BURN HER AND RIP HER FUCKING BONES AND FLESH APART. THAT IS HOW MUCH I FUCKING HATE HER.

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> Nine Inch Nails – Deep

Rode my bike to school, talked to Christine, got my cap and gown, rode with Joan to Mary Peacock, rehearsed the graduation, mom sold the car and got a rental, saw the Antichrist at dad’s house, checked on Suki, Lucky, and Lazarus. Mom tried to give me this book (as a graduation present) called “The Bunny Who Ran Away”, it was a children’s book (obviously) about this bunny who wanted to go and be all these things and the mother told him she’d track him down. To me it was a metaphor of the complete implicit control my mother wants over my life. I refused the “gift”. I was sickened by it. Elaboration later, I’m hella-tired.

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> Garbage – Androgyny

I just spent hours and hours surfing political and clothing sites, and here are the spoils. Found an AMAZING clothes site, Retail Slut, which I always thought had gone out of buisiness. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE RETAIL SLUT! Anyway, I re-found this one site with HELLA-great PVC coats thanks to my friend AdriKM. He’s so cool, but he probably thinks I’m a poser because I’m so Kylie Minogue when I’m online and see PVC. I am seriously obsessed with PVC, it might burgeon into a fetish. I wonder if there’s some kind of criteria for that. Hmm. I read the description for every major third party that had pitched a candidate, narrowed it down to the Green Party and the Libertarians. I read the Green Party Platform, lightly skimmed the Libertarian platform, but looked for key issues in it. The Greens’ platform was so short and vague, I had no idea what they specifically supported, and am still puzzled as to what “independent politics” is. I guess I’m a Libertarian, cuz they were pro-gay rights, pro-gays in the military, pro-choice, pro-isolationism, everything I read I liked. What kind of isn’t cool is that my dad is a Libertarian and like, he’ll probably think I’m copying him. Lol, he should feel proud, spawning a fellow liberal. Mike (my history teacher) says that the Libertarians are uber-conservative. Basically, he’s full of shit. Just because they’re not socialists, doesn’t mean they’re not liberals. For the record, you’re flagrantly wrong on that, Mike. Ass. Anyway, I’m going to have to read the entire platform before I make an official determination (it’s quite lengthy, unlike the Greens’ scribbled-on cocktail napkin). I thought (before I researched the parties) that I would be a peace and freedom party member, but unfortunately they are socialists. I was reading the voting records, and in one state only 247 people voted for the Communist party. That would be cool, you’d be all “I was number 152, man! yay! go socialism! Where’s Jay, he’s #220, essential to our climb this far, let’s try for 250 next year!” That would be so funny, I would have an orgasm. Then I’d have to change my shorts. Hopefully I left them in my suitcase. Hmm… Lol. I leave for New York on Friday, I CAN’T WAIT! Another of those orgasmic situations described above would be if I found a store in New York that had all vinyl. *ahh* Damn, now I have to change my shorts again! Shirley Manson (lead singer of Garbage) is so pretty! I like her glam style. Her and Brian Molko should have a kid. They could call him/her GLAMBABY. Then GLAMCHILD, GLAMPRETEEN, GLAMTEENAGER, and GLAMTWENTY-YEAR-OLD, respectively. And Shirley is also skinny. I want to be that skinny. Maybe I’ll sweat it out at the beach in New Jersey. Well, I’m getting all weird because it’s 2:26. I should go to bed. Oh, I talked to Jon, turns out he went to the mall at the same time I did (inatvertently, though) but we didn’t see each other, obviously.

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