Monthly Archives: July 2003

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>Garbage – My Lover’s Box

Today sucks. I haven’t talked to anyone, which come to think of it is actually cool. I finished Crash by J.G. Ballard at 2am today, it was so cool, it was much more sequential and explanatory than the movie. But I guess that’s to be expected. I feel like I should finish this entry with a quote from Crash. I’m going to get my book. The narrator is looking at a car crash victim named Gabrielle, whose scars are so deep they almost are orifices. “I dreamed of other accidents that might enlarge this repertory of orifices, relating them to more elements of the automobile’s engineering, the ever-more complex technologies of the future. What wounds would create the sexual possibilities of the invisible technologies of thermonuclear reaction chambers, white-tiled control rooms, the mysterious scenarios of computer circuitry?” It’s a pretty lurid and shocking view of the future, but I like it, it’s different.

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–July 28, 2003
>Marilyn Manson – Rock Is Dead (Video)
>Marilyn Manson – The Last Day On Earth

Well, yesterday sucked. I wanted to go to Rite-Aid to get leather care products. (My mom needs to use the phone, but fuck her, she can use grandma and grandpa’s phone, you’ll see why I’m saying this once you read the entry.) I bugged her all day, and finally she said okay, that if I got ready we would go after my grandparents got back from their medical appointment. I took a shower, and got ready (in an outift that was structured around my new boots). I went into my mom’s room to check my e-mail. She started bitching that I’d walked all around Manhattan in those boots and that they shouldn’t be on her floor, and that she doesn’t like shoes on her floor, blah blah blah fucking blah. Realizing she wasn’t going to shut up, I said out of exasperation with her inane phobia about germs, “fuck you.” She screamed like a madman and lunged towards me, “GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!!!!!!”. I have no fucking privacy in my room, Grandma and Grandpa go in and out of my room as they please (in their shoes, no less). I have no lock on my door, what the fuck? It’s a fucking double standard. I watched TV until my grandparents got back, then wanted to call Mindy and relate this new plateau of my mother’s insanity, but my mom had the door locked. “I won’t let you in until you’ve cooled down”, she taunted. I was as cooled as I was going to get, and the bitch was fucking pissing me off. I have two lifelines in this New Jersey hell of oppression, confinement, and emotional servitude to everyone but myself. The first lifeline is phone calls to my friends, the second, journal posts and e-mails to my friends/relatives in California. When deprived of this, I go insane simply because without lifelines this becomes a real prison as opposed to a simulacrum. Total control. It’s what my mom lusts over. I went away for a few minutes, then asked again. “Why don’t you use Grandma and Granpa’s phone?” “Because I need to make a long-distance call.” “I’m not paying for your long-distance calls, they’re a privelege, not a right” “Well, if using the line is a privelege and not a right, using my phone is a privelege.” There was no response. “I want my phone back.” “Open the door.” No response. I began to grow angrier and angrier. I went down, poured the bottle of hair color developer she’d just bought down the drain, watched some more TV, then went up and asked her again. She would not open it. She wanted me to beg or something. I will never impugn my dignity for her sadistic pleasure gained from complete and utter subjugation of my soul. I went downstairs, took some CDs she had in a box, and threw them across the room in a graceful arc, before they fractured on the tile floor. The CDs were fine, I guess, but the sounds the cases made as they shattered made me feel much better. Causalties of war, I remember thinking. I went up again, and she still wanted me to “cool down” or whatever. I’d reached my shit limit. I went insane, screaming LET ME THE FUCK IN!!!!!!! Let me reiterate, I will not let people try to control me. She ran over and opened it, since obviously grandma and grandpa had heard and were going to come over and see what was going on if she didn’t. I grabbed everything in the room that was mine, including my phone that we’d been using out of my generosity. I went around the house and collected everything that was mine, I put my DVD player back in it’s box, I brought armload after armload of stuff up. It ws then that I deceded I am going to leave two weeks before school starts, not this one day before bullshit. All my stuff is now in my room, completely unprotected because I have no lock on my door or any way to stop them from doing anything. I haven’t talked to my grandparents or my mom much at all since the episode. I’d bet millions that my mom made up some shit story making me the villain so they would pity her. Well I pity her, and it’s simply because of her stupidity and insanity. I can’t wait until that bitch dies.

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–July 27, 2003
>Nine Inch Nails – Closer

I wanted my mom to drive me to Rite-Aid to get leather care products, but she gave her normal bullshit that she was tired. If I had a penny for every time she used that shitty excuse, I’d be a fucking billionaire. But towards the end of the day, I got this e-mail from my cousin Kelly. She’d gotten front and center seats at the Marilyn Manson concert she went to, it was so cool, and that this really hot friend of hers I’d been lusting after, Taggart, is bi and asking about me, supposedly. It made me like, jump for fucking joy when I checked the Marilyn Manson tour dates and there is this one coming up that’s really close to where we are here. My mom said she’d pay for the tickets and everything (after I convinced her that she’d literally get killled at a Marilyn Manson concert, which she would). I e-mailed my uncle to see if he’d take me. He hasn’t replied yet, I don’t think he got the e-mail. All the good tickets are probably already gone, but I’m going to try to get ahold of him.

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>Rammstein – Engel
>Monster Magnet – Space Lord
>Marilyn Manson – New Model, No. 15
>Animotion – Obsession
>Nine Inch Nails – The Perfect Drug (Video)
>Rammstein – Ich Will (Video)
>Garbage – Cerry Lips (Video)

Continuing my narrative about my trip to Manhattan on Friday, we’d just gotten off the boat at Wall Street. We walked up towards the Exchange, and finally got there. We were a half hour early, so we decided to walk over to Ground Zero. We got there, and there were a bunch of people loitering around looking at this thing that looked like (it was, in reality) a construction site, as if God was shining down at them and whispering ‘you are my most beautiful creation’. Excuse me while I vomit. Anyway, while we walked back to the Stock Exchange Gail and I carried on something of a debate about 9/11 stuff, we really didn’t get anywhere. We waited outside the Exchange for a long time, finally Gary came out. We walked towards Chinatown, and dined at this Thai restaurant, it was so delicious, Gail got duck in this yummy sauce, Gary got beef in peanut sauce, and I got this thing called Pad Thai, which I always got when I went to the Thai restaurant in Crescent City. We all sampled each others’ dishes, everything was singularly delicious. After dinner, we journeyed through Chinatown, Little Italy (emphasis on little, it’s getting smaller and smaller), passed near SoHo, and made it to the Village. We approached Astor Place from the south, and walked through it. Gary said that this was the heart of the Village, though it just looked like an anonymous reincarnation of Times square, but without all the famous ads and tall buildings. We journeyed on towards St. Mark’s place, where I hoped to find somewhere that resembled my imagination’s vision of Greenwich Village. We entered St. Mark’s, and already I began to see changes. One of the traffic signal posts had a mosiaic on it. We walked further, and I spotted Religious Sex. We were to go to Trash & Vaudeville first, so we continued on until we saw the facade of that store I’d lusted after for so long. We went into the top store, Vaudeville, and I immediately uttered “heaven”. It was the size of three of the Sunrise Mall Hot Topic, but crammed with ten times more stuff. It was amazing. The clothes were Hot Topic prices though, this one trenchcoat was $200. Nonplussed, I ventured down to Trash, and found the most amazing spectacle my eyes had yet to behold, the most gothic/industrial/punk/fetish boots I’d ever seen in one place. Gail and Gary moved toward the front of the store (which was the same size as Vaudeville), while I tried to decide. I’d been used to too little to choose from, but this was literally overwhelming. After a while, I decided on one, and I asked the guy if they had it in my size. He said no. I chose three more, and they still didn’t have them in an 11. Finally, they had one. I tried it on, it had too big of a platform. Then I spotted this knee-high creation with buckles down the back and those things you just wrap the laces around instead of putting them through holes. They had it in my size, it fit perfectly, and I was in love. If I had a digital camera, I’d take a million pics of them and put them on my website, but I don’t even have a normal camera. But I have a DVD player! Gosh, I’ve got to reexamine my priorities. Anyway, these boots were really expensive, but they were real black leather, and from England (i.e. uber-stylish) so I had to get them. I really didn’t have enough money, but Gary was so nice, he paid the tax and a little extra, which was a lot, they were about $250 when all was said and done. I paid $200. Well, after the lengthy boot escapade, I wore them out, and we continued toward the box office for Stomp. We were lucky, we got some of the last tickets, we sat in the last row, but it was a small theater, so it was just possible to decipher the actors’ facial expressions. But it wasn’t really a play, so the facial expressions didn’t really matter. It was this show where these people make music out of ordinary objects like brooms and trash cans. It was quite cool, although the trash can lid cymbals did get a little loud. After the show, we took a cab to the nearest PATH train station and rode the subway to Hoboken. We walked to the garage where Gail had parked the car, and waited like five minutes for the elevator. It finally arrived, and there was a liquid on half of the floor. We crowded into the non-liquified part. Halfway up Gary commented that it wasn’t water. I wish he wouldn’t have said that, I mean it’s fine to ride in an elevator that might contain bum urine, but like not one that has been unequivocally decided to have bum piss in it. We got in the car, and rode home with the windows down. I had to sleep in the living room without a pillow after I explained to my mom how cool my boots were and that I was in love with them. The sleeping on the floor thing got old, so I went downstairs and tried to sleep on the horribly uncomfortable couch downstairs. It’s not even a couch, it’s couch cushions on a frame of wooden dowels. Where do people buy stuff like that? Anyway, that’s about it.

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>Garbage – I Think I’m Paranoid
>Marilyn Manson – Sweet Dreams

The idiots downstairs (namely my grandmother and mother) are singing karaoke songs downstairs about killing people just for the fuck of it to my two and a half year old cousin. I think that is fucking WRONG. What the fuck? Grandma said Jesus in front of her, and was trying to reverse-engineer it into “I love Jesus”, so how is she going to reverse-engineer “I killed a man just because I wanted to see him die”. That’s just fucked up. Fuck them, and I pity Alexis, having to grow up with those ignorant bastards.

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>Nine Inch Nails – Even Deeper
>Deftones – Digital Bath
>Blink 182 – Adam’s Song

Yesterday I got back from New York and from my Aunt and Uncle’s house. On Tuesday, my Aunt drove up with my cousin, we loaded up the car, and we went back to her house in Middletown. We did some cool stuff; on Tuesday we went to some stores, I got a bunch more saftey pins for the Marilyn Manson shirt I bought on the boardwalk and some more velcro. Wednesday was kind of boring, right when I got up, Gail, Alexis, and my mom were going out to eat, and they ended up going to a few stores (taking like three hours). Thursday we went to the beach. It was kind of cold half of the time, but the other half was fine. I brought Munkee too (as always, he loves the beach), and made this two-foot by two-foot sandcastle. It was mostly a big pile of sand with a moat around it, and whenever I made spires, Alexis knocked them down, but I didn’t care, she liked knocking them down so it was cool, at least we got some enjoyment out of the castle while it stood. A seagull pooped on my Aunt’s leg, that was kind of funny, she washed it off with seawater. On Friday (the day they’d told me we were going to New York) we got all packed up, first with the air conditioner my uncle had bought from Sears for the room Alexis sleeps in when she stays at my grandparents’ house. Then the pile in the back of the SUV continued, with my mom’s FUCKING BILLION unnecessary books that she’ll never read and only stumbled through to begin with. Then our stuff, the dog, and by the time we got everything in the car, the freaking door wouldn’t shut. Trust my mom for unnecessary shit. She could write a book on accumulating useless shit that looks like it should be kept. Anyway, we finally got to my grandparents’ house, and unloaded everything, including the Brita water filter Mom had needed to exchange at Bed Bath and Beyond, because the one she got at the BB&B in Edgewater was broken. I washed a load of clothes, set up the Brita pitcher, took a shower, got ready, and unpacked. It was a bit frantic, but my Aunt and I were in the car, journeying towards Hoboken. It looked like there was a fire in one of the buildings, there were a bunch of fire trucks, and smoke billowing out of windows, but the firefighters were just standing there. Guess they needed an engraved invitation to go fight the fire. Anyway, Gail and I went and got our tickets for the boat, and waited on this dock that I found out later was really a barge. Two boats came, but they were going to Battery Park, although they were pulling up at the Wall Street pier thingy. Finally our boat came, and we boarded. It was a great day, blue skies and fluffy clouds, it looked like something in a movie. We went around Battery Park, and docked somewhere near the Wall Street/FDR Drive intersection. I’m going to continue this in a later post, my typing hands hurt.

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>Nine Inch Nails – Ruiner
>Nine Inch Nails – Pilgrimmage

I finally got to go to Edgewater today. I got four beer mugs and a martini glass, two huge saftey pins, and not enough velcro. I need to go back for more velcro and normal size saftey pins. They were out of the silver ones. How lame. Anyway, my martini glass is so cool, I’ve been drinking water out of it all day. I attached the velcro to the inside of my lunchbox, but unfortunately on the wrong side, so I have to go back, get more, and attach it to the correct side (the bottom), but I did add velcro holders for my advair and my visine. I don’t know why I carry around that advair, it’s not for sudden athsma attacks, maybe I should get rid of it. Hmm. Well, I’m bored out of my mind. I talked to mindy for a while, Grandma and Grandpa are at Grandma’s doctor appointment, they’ve been there for two hours and thirty minutes. Weird. I wouldn’t mind really, except that I want to listen to a record I found downstairs on my grandparents’ huge retro record player in the living room. My mom is on her ‘you have to ask to use every fucking thing’ tirade. Now her excuse for sitting on her ass all day is that she has “chronic fatigue syndrome”. You know, I call it LAZINESS. Fatigue fuck, she gets off her ass and does whatever she wants when she wants to do it, but whenever anyone else wants to do something “oh, I’m tired”. What a liar. Well, my grandparents are back. I don’t want to listen to anything with them in the house. I’m not going to ask. Losers. Well, I’d better go.

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>Björk – Army Of Me
>L7 – Shove

I just got up, my mom is talking on the phone now to my cousin with the bladder stone. I asked her if we were going anywhere, she didn’t say anything. To say that I hate her would be the biggest understatement of the year. Maybe I’ll be able to get her off her fat ass to go to the library with me and make a copy of my diploma for the college lady, but I doubt it. I’ll probably have to go by myself, if it ever gets done. Well, more later.

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>Garbage – Nobody Loves You
>Garbage – Temptation Waits
>Elastica – Spastica
>Danny Elfman – The Tree Of Death (from the Sleepy Hollow soundtrack)

I am really really really really pissed at my mom. She is a LIAR. She promised to go to Edgewater today, and didn’t. I kept trying to go to sleep, to dream of my martini glasses and the possibility that they would have clear vinyl shower curtains that I could make into sleeves/armwarmers, but I had to go downstairs and watch the end of Dark City before I got tired. At about 5:30AM, I was woken up by shouts and various exclamations. I caught various snaches of it, something about throwing up, I heard “call 911″, but I was tired and just went back to sleep. I’d only slept for maybe three hours before this escapade. Anyway, my mom comes in and is all freaking out that I need to do something with the dog (like walk her) and I was too tired to do anything. I just yelled at the dog to lay down and after a bit went back to sleep. I woke up around twelve thinking that grandma was at the hospital, because I’d heard my mom and grandpa’s voices, so logically it was grandma who was having problems. The lying sack of shit that is my mother wouldn’t take me to Edgewater because she was afraid that grandma would die. She didn’t word it that explicitly, but that was basically it. I felt like saying “What the fuck? they wouldn’t have released her from the hospital unless she was okay. If something does happen, what the fuck does it matter if you’re here or not? Grandpa can fucking call 911. Like you’re the fucking healing angel in your family? fuck you.” But no, I just went downstairs and watched/listened to music videos really loudly. It was the only fucking thing I could do, my FUCKING GODDAMN IMBECILE WHORE mother wasn’t going to take me anywhere. I’ve left the house once since I got back from wildwood (a week!!!!!) and I’m going crazy. I hope she dies (my mother, not my grandma). But like, maybe after I leave, I’ve never seen a corpse before. That was really the only thing I was afraid of, when I heard those sounds, that I would go out in the living room with the dog and there would be the corpse of one of my relatives there. That would make me fucking snap. I don’t do death. Anyway, I passed the day trying to get my mom off her FUCKING LAZY GODDAMN ASS, and once I realized that was impossible, downstairs watching Dark City with Roger Ebert’s commentary track, while my mom talked to my cousin in the other room of the basement, crying and wailing and shit. I’m like, god. You’d better fucking get acquainted with death, your parents are in their early eighties. I hope to be self-sufficient when my parents are that old, unlike her, the childish near-imbecile. This place is becoming a fucking PRISON. On a happier note, I started “Lord Of The Flies”, “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”, and “Crash” by J.G. Ballard (I got the books on my last Amazon.com order). I love Crash, it’s so strange, with that satirical razor-edge of wit, and amusing random sexually-oriented similes. It’s very interesting, but I’m having problems reading it, because I end up laughing a lot, and my mom gets mad at me when I laugh a lot. Fuck her. I’m having fun. Anyway, I’m officially moving downstairs. The basement is going to be my new home, away from those crazy fucks. I’m not talking to my mother until we go somewhere. ALL I FUCKING WANT TO DO IS LEAVE THE HOUSE? IS THAT SO GODDAMN WRONG? I JUST WANT TO GO TO A FUCKING PARK OR SOMETHING, WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!????????? AM I A FUCKING PRISONER??????? I FUCKING HATE HER SO MUCH.

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>The Exploited – Sex And Violence

I wish I could go somewhere, I’ve been going crazy from cabin fever ever since I got back from my stay at Wildwood. I’ve only left the house one time since we got back. My mom keeps saying she’s “tired”. Too tired to drive a few miles to the shopping center? Please. What’s she doing in her spare time, running wind sprints in the basement? God. Anyway, I did make another purchase from amazon.com. I got a DVD player, two more DVDs (SLC Punk and Blade Runner), and a bunch of books. I haven’t read a page of them since I got everything yesterday, but my DVD player has been in almost constant use. I had a movie marathon of sorts last night, it was fun, I stayed up until four AM drinking ginger ale and watching movies. I’d never watched two of my favorites that I bought on DVD while I was here (Crash and The Doom Generation) all the way through, I’d only caught them in the middle when I first saw them, so it was great fun to see them in all their glory. My mom and I finished watching Blade Runner today. She actually liked it, I was surprised. I am in love with the DVD player though, it can play video CDs burned on the computer, it can play CDs of pictures, and music CDs too. When the novelty of the new toy wears off, I’m going to start reading again. I kind of stopped reading when I read excessively during my stay at Wildwood. I got from about page 600 of Atlas Shrugged to page 867. According to my handy-dandy computer calculator, I have 301 pages left to read, so I’ll probably finish it before the summer is out. I’m still dying to go to New York, but I don’t have anyone to take me. We’re going to my aunt and uncle’s house later this week, or so my mom tells me, and I’m going to inform them of my need. Understatement of the year. Anyway, I just got off the phone with Mindy, she’s becoming a housewife. Well, that is until she starts her job next week. She’s making all this food for Garrett’s dad, and Garrett’s dad’s lover. I guess they’re visiting. She told me the details of her and Garrett’s second wedding. It’s really strange [in my opinion, to have two weddings], but I guess to call Mindy normal is a stretch of the imagination. “Normal” people are always the most screwed up. The lady from the college e-mailed me, she wanted to know if I graduated, and if I did, she’d need a copy of my diploma. I have to mail her one tomorrow. I’m making my mom take me to the shopping center in Edgewater tomorrow or I’m going to KILL her. I saw martini glasses and glass beer mugs at Bed Bath and Beyond, and I love references to alcoholism. They’re trendy, what can I say. And I’m gonna get this gravy briefcase/binder/legal pad I saw at Staples, if I can convince my mom it’s gravy, which doesn’t seem to hard, ’cause it’s so utilitarian. I also need to get Existenz, The Matrix, and Sleepy Hollow on DVD soon, cuz I’m going krazy with my tiny movie collection, but I don’t know if I’m willing to pay a lot 4 them.Well, I should go… I have absolutely nothing to do other than watch my six DVDs, but I should get back to my boredom. Maybe I’ll read something…hmm.