>Watching Buffalo ‘66

Oh, when we were at the mall day before yesterday I bought a bunch of J.G. Ballard books, I got Super- Cannes, and some others. They better be good, or I’ll be mad. I got Kelly this Journal that she watned for a birthday present. I think I’m going to suggest we watch Nadja. I kind of like Buffalo ‘66. it’s weird, and Vincent Gallo is hot in a weird way. Speaking of hot, it’s sad I wont see Taggart again in a while. He seems interesting. Kelly asked me if it bothered me that he had sex/went out with stupid people. I said it amused me, because although I didn’t know it at the time, I would kind of do the same thing. I sicken myself. Everyone always asks, when I say that I’ve had sex with a few people, but that I’ve never had a boyfriend. They go, “Don’t you want a boyfriend?” And I go, “Of course I do, but I’ve never met anyone that’s dateable.” And they say something like, “Do you find women attractive, like, can you tell if a girl is hot?” And I go, “I’ve never met a guy that’s dateable, meeting a girl that’s deteable is even more unlikely.” So I’m depressed about love, I can never trust anyone, because anyone who’s ever said they loved me lied, and was doing the same thing that I do, having sex with stupid people because they can’t find true love. Maybe that’s what everything is, but we never know. And maybe “true” love is just the most plausible facsimile of it. God I need therapy.

>Marilyn Manson - Great Big White World

Just called my dad, he wasn’t home again. Sometimes I wonder if he’s dead already, and I don’t know it. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like I was going to die, this whole not eating much, taking OTC allergy drugs, and drinking excessive amounts of Mountain Dew has to stop. Yesterday we went to the mall, there were these disturbing sex books at B&N, and Taggart felt it necessary to show me the gay & lesbian section. For some reason I thought that was weird. I think he groped Katie, becuase he asked her to see Freddy vs. Jason, and knowing her she probably went. She was wearing black, another futile attempt to become Kelly. We went to Dan’s, walked in the rain, watched this completely lame/stupid movie based on Homer’s Odessey, then watched House on Haunted Hill. It is SO frickin’ scary when you’re watching it, but it’s not one of those ones where you can’t get to sleep after watching it. I fell asleep towards the end of Buffalo ‘66. I kind of feel like calling Mindy, but she’s an evil–oh wait, I gave her this URL. She is like, married now and we can’t do any of the things we used to. She thinks everything is the same, but it just isn’t. I feel like never talking to any of my old friends. I feel stagnated, they’re like, holding me back. Oh, yesterday I made the long bang in front of my hair stand straight up, it’s like six inches long (that sounded wrong for some reason) and it looked completely rediculous, but I loved it. I wish I would have had my “help! I’m surrounded by stupid people” shirt when we went to the mall, cuz we went into Zumiez. There were like, so many people trying to be something they’re not…and I was sitting right by Katie. Oh, last night Kathy read my fortune with Kelly’s tarot cards, it was kind of cool. I think maybe I need to go back to see a therapist, and not my old one, he never says anything, I could talk to a wall and pay it $40 dollars.