>Watching Marilyn Manson’s Guns God and Government tour–god I would sell my soul to go go back in time and experience it.

Bored. Mike came over to drop off Bowling For Columbine. I really want to have a deep conversation with him, but I want to have a deep conversation with everyone I don’t know and find interesting. Deep conversations have some kind of sexual meaning to me, but I don’t know what meaning yet. I’m letting Kathy borrow Crash, she’s letting me borrow Chuck Palanuik’s “Invisible Monsters” I’m pretty sure it’ll be good. My carpal tunnel whoopdey is really hurting, but it would hurt even more if I kept a paper journal, writing is so strenuous. I’m feeling that I’m stagnated…poisoned…by my friends. I need to ditch the old and whore myself to the new. Fuck everything and everyone, I’m in turmoil. Watched Bowling For Columbine, I loved it. I don’t want to go home. My dad sounded really agitated when I talked to him on the phone. I’m five hours from when I’m supposed to leave. I fucking hate busses. And I still have KILL sharpied on my hand. One thing’s for sure, I’m glad I won’t see my mother in a long, long time. I have waited for this moment for so long. I’m losing faith in my friendship with Mindy, it’s like she’s an online friend, I never see her and probably won’t for a long, long time. I hope she’s fucking happy in her shitty camoflauge-colored mediocrity. I want to be like her, except for me being original and keep thinking after I get married, and get married to someone with a brain. You can teach six-year-olds binary mathematics, but having the morals to stand behind a political ideology and be open to criticism, that is the fodder for true emotional growth, not emotional stagnation, where she is. To me, their whole thing was “let’s have sex, and since you’d get arrested for screwing me because you’re 23 and I’m 16, let’s get married. FUCKED UP? yes. Especially since she was molested as a child. She has this repressed memory that she would wake up screaming from. But I shouldn’t judge….eh fuck who cares. I can’t judge others enough to atone for the judgements I’ve endured over the years. The one word that describes how I feel, is fuck. Fuck god, fuck school, fuck sex, fuck everything that isn’t a part of me, DO WHAT I WANT TO DO NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY. I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG, AND NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO IN THIS FUCKING HIVE.

This is evolution, the monkey, the man, then the gun.
–Marilyn Manson