Oh, I just remembered something delicious. There were these two REALLY hot German/Swiss guys on the plane to Houston. Just thought I’d note it, and mention that I am not obsessed with Taggart, it’s just that beautiful people intrigue me.
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Hey, I’m watching Mulholland Drive at my Aunt’s with my cousin Kelly, we just watched The Doom Generation, she loved it, as anyone sane does. After seeing it a few times, the beginning is definitely the best part. Up to the part with the guy from carn-o-burger. I think I’m breaking out in hives, or a storm of invisible mosquitoes is biting me all over. I reek of BO, but at the moment I don’t care. We went out for soda, I bought a 12-pack of Mountain Dew, I would have loved some Jolt, but they didn’t have it at the AM/PM. I look horrible, there are HUGE bags under my eyes, I feel like monkey shit warmed over. But at least I’m watching Mulholland Drive. I’ve been searching J.G. Ballard’s “Crash” for more good quotes, here’s another. I’m becoming obsessed with a new technology-driven sexuality.
“This obsession with the sexual possibilities of everything around me had been jerked loose from my mind my the crash. I imagined the ward filled with convalescing air-disaster victims, each of their minds a brothel of images. The crash between our two cars was a a model of some ultimate and yet undreamt sexual union. The injuries of still-to-be-admitted patients beckoned to me, an immense encycolpedia of accessible dreams.”
Oh, when I got to Sac, Taggart came up behind me and pinched my buttocks—wow—I don’t think I’ve ever used the word buttocks in writing before. Well anyway, it didn’t strike me as erotic, I was still in a daze of traveling…and I still am, but as I gazed at his corporeal perfection during the ride home and as he lounged luxuriously on the reclining chair, it did seem erotic somehow. I want to talk with him about art, but I don’t see a forum. I’m always such a bore, concentrating on myself, when I should be talking to others. I feel a bit nauseous. I really do want to fellate him, but it would just be another scar, and picturing the act makes me nauseous as well. I guess what I really want is to watch two Taggart clones having sex with each other, but I guess that’s a bit disturbing. And it would be incest, in some strange twisted way.
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In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart.
–Anne Frank
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>Marilyn Manson – Ka-Boom Ka-Boom
I just had to share this, a few weeks ago when we were going to my aunt Gail’s I saw the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, there was a big tanker truck on the Turnpike with us, and in big red letters on the back it said ANIMAL FAT: NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. A whole truck. Full of Dead Animals’ fat. I thought that was so disgusting and a microcosm of our society.
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I just saw on TV the bombing of the UN embassy in Baghdad, it felt strangely sexual, it reminded me of a J.G. Ballard quote from “Crash”. Here it is:
[I was] “a kind of emotional casette, taking my place with all those scenes of pain and violence that illuminated the margins of our lives – the television newsreels of wars and student riots, natural disasters and police brutality which we vaguely watched on the colour tv as we masturbated each other.”
Bombings mean a different thing to me than to everyone else…it’s like, all the building up of hatred for hundreds of years has brought itself to an orgasm of destruction. This “war” was a quickie, quick insertion, quick orgasm. I can’t help feeling that everyone is just a pawn of the media congolmerates if you’re in the developed world, and you’re a pawn of the developed world if you have no media. To quote the movie “Najda”,
“I want to simplify my life even on a superficial level. The problem is… it’s hard to resist the feeling that all this choices in our lives… that everything is superficial.”
I don’t know why it’s taken this long to come to any concrete conclusions about the insanity of this world, I think Crash was the catalyst. I must buy every book J.G. Ballard has written, and voraciously read every single one.
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>Evanescence – Bring Me Back To Life
I deleted all my files on this computer, and removed my user account. I’m on my mom’s login as I type this. I would be brushing my teeth and getting ready, but my grandma is cleaning the bathroom. Well, I’m about to embark on a great voyage. I hope all goes well. Well, that’s about it. My next entry is going to be when I’m at Kathy’s. Oh yeah, Dad said that he couldn’t (but I know he was lying, becuase he didn’t give a reason) pick me up in Sacramento, so I have to take a friggin bus. He said he’d pay for the bus, eh, it’s better than nothing. I haven’t heard anything from Kathy or Kelly, I sent Kelly like four e-mails, I don’t know what’s going on. And Mindy said she’d call me. Eh, fuck, who cares.
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>Marilyn Manson – Antichrist Superstar
My mom came home from the first day at her job, I’d just finished packing. We went out and got my Sudafed, but I got the wrong kind, u have to take it every 4-6 hours instead of the 12 hour. Fuck. My mom got my traveling money at the bank, then we had some cake, and she was beginning to get hysterical, but I told her to save it for tomorrow. She’s acutally going to have to cope with the fact that I’m going to be an adult. This is going to be insanely, hugely, grandiosely hilarious. I wish I had a video camera. I found this piece of paper in my room on which I’d written “buy rainbow flag”, that reminded me that I wanted one. Unfortunately, the only ones I found were like, two feet by three feet, which was lame. I might try to find one later tonight, but I think I’m gonna see if I can go downstairs and watch Will & Grace or some other sitcom. Hmm, Mindy just came online, is she going to talk to me? Nope. How lame.
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>Covenant – Dead Stars
I’m pissed that I can’t take any of my clothes on the plane because they have spikes (they don’t draw blood, they’re not sharp) and safety pins on them. I’m putting in my suitcase an 8.5″x11″ of this quote: “They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.” –Benjamin Franklin. If the FBI detains me for that, I’ll know this country has officially gone insane.
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Eiffel 65 – Your Clown
L7 – Shove
I had this really disturbing dream last night, I thought I should write it down. It starts out at the kitchen table at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Them, me, and my mom are eating, and we’re having conversation. Then we’re talking about potatoes, and my mom says something that I don’t think is right about their origin, I say that they came from England as well as Ireland. Then my grandma starts getting all weepy about the people that died in the great potato famine, and she says I don’t care about them. I say that I do, but that it doesn’t matter, we’re talking about the origins of potatoes, not the great potato famine. The situation escalates to a fever pitch until I’m flipping off my grandpa and my grandma is screaming THEY DIED THEY DIED SO YOU COULD HAVE POTATOES, or something like that, this continues for a while. I run from the table down the hall into my room, which was like much bigger, and towards the end of the dream turned into a Holodeck. Kelly and some guy was there, we talked for a while. There were some books, I picked one up, it was called Goth something, and there were pictures of very stylish goths. There was a third guy sitting on the floor, he kind of looked like a combination of Royce and this friend of Kelly’s that kept trying to feel Lacey up. The person like, had underwear outside of his pants somehow, althout he was wearing pants. Like, he was touching around there, and I looked at him like, you weirdo, this is the public, then he like exposed himself, and I quickly looked away. Then the other guy that wasn’t sitting down killed Kelly and morphed (from someone who kind of looked like Dan) to this 40-ish really white muscular guy. He said something menacing, then I ended up having sex with him to defeat him. Then the door opened to the room and twenty or so people came in, I turned off the lights with my mind, and it was dark, and all I could see was their shadows. They had flashlights, and they were looking for me. The guy with me had devolved into this reptilian looking thing that was attached to a chest/torso thing. It was really weird. Then I woke up.
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>Rammstein – Du Hast
>Deftones – Teenager
Well yesterday my mom said that after she had a nap, that we’d go get the mailing tube. What really happened is after her nap we went to the beauty supply at Tonnelle Plaza (I got some cool hairspray), the party store (I got this iron cross gothic pendant) and PathMark at Edgewater. Staples was closed, unfortunately, so I couldn’t get my mailing tube. Today we’re supposed to go and get it. After that, we went over to Aunt Anna’s with the fruit tart and flowers we’d got her at PathMark. Aunt Anna was grating cheese with a food processor, the house smelled very cheesy, but it went away after a while. It was a good visit, and Uncle Pat (he has dimentia) didn’t ask me a million times if I wanted a beer this time. Aunt Anna is so nice, she slipped me $100 as I was walking out the door, I was so embarrassed. I think I might save this money. I’m going to open a bank account when I get back, I wonder how much I have to deposit, hmm. Oh, I could check Bank Of America’s website. I think I’m going to do that. Well anyway, there was this violent thunderstorm, with some really loud thunder that started after we got there, when we were driving home there were some half-flooded roads and stuff. I went down to wash my clothes after I tested out my hairspray (it had very good hold), and my mom actually made some progress toward resolution of her issues. It was personal, so I can’t write it here, but it had to do with her ex-husband (my dad). Well, that’s about it, I just got up a while ago, I carted my clothes up into my room to sort out and pack. I just wrote Alexis an e-mail, she wanted my number. I’m starting an HTML version of my website, I really like it. The only Flash component is the navigation bar at the top of the page, so far. Cool, I only need $300 to start an account at Bank Of America. Well, I’m going to work a little on my website, take a shower, pack, and hope I’m done by the time my mom gets home. She’s at her first day at her job, I hope it goes well.
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