I had a great time in Sac, the last day Kelly and I stayed up until like 4 watching Bowling For Columbine and the Guns God & Government tour. I loved Bowling For Columbine, it was scrumtrulescent. The next morning (after only 5 hours of sleep) I got up, crammed the last of my crap in my suitcase, and my aunt and I made our way downtown to the Greyhound station. It was cool, we talked about how Mike (my cousin) never talks…like at all, and how it’s so hard to get to know people like that. The door opened, and we hugged and I got on the bus. There weren’t that many people on this one, I had like my own enclave, it was so cool. All until I got to Santa Rosa. I DRAGGED all my stuff into the front of the terminal, and this guy was towing the bus I was supposed to go on. I had to wait FOUR HOURS in the blazing Santa Rosa heat until the replacement bus came. Even then, the replacement bus was full except for four seats, but since I was connecting I got one of them. I sat by this lady who I found out later was a siezure patient, she actually had two seziures on the bus. She gave me her phone number and everything, but I think she was just a disposable friend. She had too much of Ashley in her. I called my dad when we stopped for a “meal” (it was McGrease, so I didn’t eat), I called my dad and told him I’d be late. Then I called when I got to Eureka and we had kind of a little break and I called him then too, used up like three dollars on my frickin phone card using pay phones. The seziure lady got off at Eureka, and by then I was ravenously hungry and violently tired. I fell asleep sometime, and when I woke up my lunchbox and book were going back and forth across the floor of the bus, clanging against the seats…this mexican family was looking at me, but I didn’t care much about anything. I remember two of them talking about penises, one would go small penis, and they would laugh and go big penis, or something. I felt like screaming at them FUCKING SHUT UP! IT IS LIKE MIDNIGHT AND I AM TRYING TO SLEEP, YOU FUCKING PERVERTS!!! I picked up my stuff that was clanging on the floor, and kind of cuddled with it to keep it from sliding back and forth on every turn on the windy road, except for my book, which had gone under this mexican lady’s chair. I woke up, and hazily realized that we were driving through Crescent City. My book had drifted under this lady, so I had to fish it out of under her seat before I got off, but I got all my stuff, crammed it into the back of Dad’s truck (he was there waiting, I got there at 12:30 instead of 10). I unrolled my somewhat filthy covers and went to sleep after I’d performed my night ritual. I woke up the next morning and spent the whole day cleaning/decorating my room. I still have about a day’s worth of stuff to do, but I got my bed all situated, and I stole clean covers from the guest room since I had to wash clothes and didn’t have time to do the comforters/sheets I’d had from my mom’s house. I set up the computer and everything, and finally got it online very late (12) last night.
>Watching Marilyn Manson’s Guns God and Government tour–god I would sell my soul to go go back in time and experience it.
Bored. Mike came over to drop off Bowling For Columbine. I really want to have a deep conversation with him, but I want to have a deep conversation with everyone I don’t know and find interesting. Deep conversations have some kind of sexual meaning to me, but I don’t know what meaning yet. I’m letting Kathy borrow Crash, she’s letting me borrow Chuck Palanuik’s “Invisible Monsters” I’m pretty sure it’ll be good. My carpal tunnel whoopdey is really hurting, but it would hurt even more if I kept a paper journal, writing is so strenuous. I’m feeling that I’m stagnated…poisoned…by my friends. I need to ditch the old and whore myself to the new. Fuck everything and everyone, I’m in turmoil. Watched Bowling For Columbine, I loved it. I don’t want to go home. My dad sounded really agitated when I talked to him on the phone. I’m five hours from when I’m supposed to leave. I fucking hate busses. And I still have KILL sharpied on my hand. One thing’s for sure, I’m glad I won’t see my mother in a long, long time. I have waited for this moment for so long. I’m losing faith in my friendship with Mindy, it’s like she’s an online friend, I never see her and probably won’t for a long, long time. I hope she’s fucking happy in her shitty camoflauge-colored mediocrity. I want to be like her, except for me being original and keep thinking after I get married, and get married to someone with a brain. You can teach six-year-olds binary mathematics, but having the morals to stand behind a political ideology and be open to criticism, that is the fodder for true emotional growth, not emotional stagnation, where she is. To me, their whole thing was “let’s have sex, and since you’d get arrested for screwing me because you’re 23 and I’m 16, let’s get married. FUCKED UP? yes. Especially since she was molested as a child. She has this repressed memory that she would wake up screaming from. But I shouldn’t judge….eh fuck who cares. I can’t judge others enough to atone for the judgements I’ve endured over the years. The one word that describes how I feel, is fuck. Fuck god, fuck school, fuck sex, fuck everything that isn’t a part of me, DO WHAT I WANT TO DO NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY. I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN RIGHT AND WRONG, AND NOBODY ELSE SEEMS TO IN THIS FUCKING HIVE.
This is evolution, the monkey, the man, then the gun.
–Marilyn Manson
>Watching Buffalo ‘66
Oh, when we were at the mall day before yesterday I bought a bunch of J.G. Ballard books, I got Super- Cannes, and some others. They better be good, or I’ll be mad. I got Kelly this Journal that she watned for a birthday present. I think I’m going to suggest we watch Nadja. I kind of like Buffalo ‘66. it’s weird, and Vincent Gallo is hot in a weird way. Speaking of hot, it’s sad I wont see Taggart again in a while. He seems interesting. Kelly asked me if it bothered me that he had sex/went out with stupid people. I said it amused me, because although I didn’t know it at the time, I would kind of do the same thing. I sicken myself. Everyone always asks, when I say that I’ve had sex with a few people, but that I’ve never had a boyfriend. They go, “Don’t you want a boyfriend?” And I go, “Of course I do, but I’ve never met anyone that’s dateable.” And they say something like, “Do you find women attractive, like, can you tell if a girl is hot?” And I go, “I’ve never met a guy that’s dateable, meeting a girl that’s deteable is even more unlikely.” So I’m depressed about love, I can never trust anyone, because anyone who’s ever said they loved me lied, and was doing the same thing that I do, having sex with stupid people because they can’t find true love. Maybe that’s what everything is, but we never know. And maybe “true” love is just the most plausible facsimile of it. God I need therapy.
>Marilyn Manson - Great Big White World
Just called my dad, he wasn’t home again. Sometimes I wonder if he’s dead already, and I don’t know it. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt like I was going to die, this whole not eating much, taking OTC allergy drugs, and drinking excessive amounts of Mountain Dew has to stop. Yesterday we went to the mall, there were these disturbing sex books at B&N, and Taggart felt it necessary to show me the gay & lesbian section. For some reason I thought that was weird. I think he groped Katie, becuase he asked her to see Freddy vs. Jason, and knowing her she probably went. She was wearing black, another futile attempt to become Kelly. We went to Dan’s, walked in the rain, watched this completely lame/stupid movie based on Homer’s Odessey, then watched House on Haunted Hill. It is SO frickin’ scary when you’re watching it, but it’s not one of those ones where you can’t get to sleep after watching it. I fell asleep towards the end of Buffalo ‘66. I kind of feel like calling Mindy, but she’s an evil–oh wait, I gave her this URL. She is like, married now and we can’t do any of the things we used to. She thinks everything is the same, but it just isn’t. I feel like never talking to any of my old friends. I feel stagnated, they’re like, holding me back. Oh, yesterday I made the long bang in front of my hair stand straight up, it’s like six inches long (that sounded wrong for some reason) and it looked completely rediculous, but I loved it. I wish I would have had my “help! I’m surrounded by stupid people” shirt when we went to the mall, cuz we went into Zumiez. There were like, so many people trying to be something they’re not…and I was sitting right by Katie. Oh, last night Kathy read my fortune with Kelly’s tarot cards, it was kind of cool. I think maybe I need to go back to see a therapist, and not my old one, he never says anything, I could talk to a wall and pay it $40 dollars.
It’s now morning, for some reason I woke up at like 9am, after staying up until like 4am. It was really strange. Just thought I’d note that. Dan, Kelly, and I are supposed to do something today, I hope it’s something fun (i.e. something that involves spending money, getting high off caffiene, or any combniation of the two). Taggart was saying some HELLA funny shit last night, he was actually considering going out with KATIE!? The sheer impossibility of it made Kelly and I laugh profusely. Oh yeah, I’ve got to look up the word efficacy, I thought of it on the plane and wrote it on my arm. Hmm, it means “the power to produce an effect”. Well, I’m not going to drag on and on, just thought I’d write a morning entry.
