the diary of antoine roquentin

>Placebo – Slackerbitch

This song reminds me of my favorite (or rather least favorite) slackers, Stephanie and Ashley. I wonder how long Ashley’s (I’m not sure what word to use here, something between boyfriend and acquaintance that means both) is going to jail for, I hope it’s a long time. This requires an explanation I don’t have the stamina to type, I’ll elaborate later. Stephanie said she graduated, I highly doubt it, right now she’s either dead or mouching off some “friend”. I really hope I don’t see her at the college this year, I don’t want to get sucked back into her world. Well yea, I’m going to bug my mom about the mailing tube.

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>Nine Inch Nails – The Fragile

Rose (the dog) woke me up at like nine in the morning, I’m in my robe, I just checked my e-mail, I’m watching this lame-o movie on TBS Superstation, it’s about a nuclear reactor that gets hit by two tornadoes. Hopefully there’ll be a big explosion at the end, and the guy that plays the cop is kinda hot, so it’s good mindless amusement. Grandma, Grandpa, and my mom are back, so I guess I’ll end this post and get back to the tornadoey goodness of the movie.

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>Monifah – Touch It
>The Verve – The Freshman
>Velvet Acid Christ – Slut
>Vangelis – Love Theme (from Blade Runner)
>Fluke – Absurd
>Naked Eyes – Always Something There To Remind Me (yes, I love the 80s)
>Hocico – Odio In El Alma (god I love Hocico, the title translates to “hatred in the soul”, they’re a spanish Industrial band)

Just got back from my aunt Gail and uncle Gary’s house in South Jersey, it was really fun. We went to the beach at Point Pleasant, it was so beautiful, lots of delicious guys, it was heavenly. And the water was nice and cool, which was good, it was 92 degrees when we got back to the car. While we were at the house I passed the time listening to music and playing with my two-and-a-half-year-old cousin Alexis. The pool at their house was a nice rosy green the whole time we were there, supposedly because of the rain. A few hours before we left, the pool people came and acertained that the filter was cracked, allowing the rampant growth of the algae. We were so lucky we went down there when we did, the second day we were there, Manhattan had the huge power outage. If we were at my Grandparents’ house in North Bergen, we would have been out of luck when it came to the air conditioning. I called my dad and Kathy while we were there, my dad is going to pick me up during the weekend of the nineteenth. I have THREE DAYS LEFT!!!!!! until I leave, so I’m kind of freaking out because I don’t have a mailing tube for my posters, and I haven’t sent my belt (I’m sending it via mail because I don’t want to be detained by the FBI if they think the ammunition is live. Coming here, it didn’t matter, I had plenty of time, but I don’t want to be late for college because of those paranoid self-righetously infallible FBI types. The fucking facists. Anyway, my mom needs to get off her fat ass and get me some packing stuff. But right now, I don’t care, I just got back from a FUCKING HELLA HOT trip. Those fucking losers wouldn’t turn on the A/C, because they have a puny, miniscule toyota from 1994 and it would stall out. Who told them to buy the 1994 equivalent of a Geo? Not me, but still I had to suffer in the INFERNO. Dante should take a voyage to the August heat in New Jersey for research on his greatest literary work. So anyway, while we were at Point Pleasant, my mom told me to hold her glasses ( thought for a little bit, so I clipped them on my shirt. I forgot about them, since liar stayed out for like ever, and I guess they disappeared into the Atlantic. She got all mad, but got new ones. The ones she had were $170, the new ones where like $270, with a $100 rebate included. I saw on the History channel the tail-end of this really interesting documentary on Hitler’s women, most notably Eva Braun. It’s kind of sad, she chose marriage and death over ditching her boyfriend and life. Huh, it’s kind of funny to think of Hitler as anyone’s boyfriend, lol. Then there was this really interesting program about the German Autobahn, the famous road with no speed limits. It’s quite interesting, they have a lower fatality rate than the American interstate system, theoretically because the Autobahn is a very very high-quality road (perfectly smooth, with double-sided oncoming lane barriers), and they have a lot of rules regarding changing lanes (which makes a lot of sense, it would seem cars rarely hit unless they meander into another lane. Also, a German driver’s license costs upwards of $2000. This is yet another reason why I’m beginning to see Germany as an outpost of sanity in an otherwise insane world. I really want to see the Black Forest. Meanwhile in reality, my cousin Alexis has made me loathe children a lot less, I was actually considering having some of my own someday in the future, if the protective blanket of economic and emotional security has set in as I hope it to. Oh, that reminds me, I should start backing up my computer files. I’ve had Musicmatch on random all the time I’ve been here listening to music, and deleting songs I don’t like, that I’m ashamed to posess, that I don’t listen to, or any combination of the above. On the way to Point Pleasant, Gail had the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack playing in the car, I kind of like Disco, if only because it spawned Grunge, Punk, and the Gothic subcultures as a revolt to the colorful opulence of the Disco Age, or so the world tells me. Well, I think I’m going to go, I’m learning to the words to Hocico’s “Odio En El Alma”.

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My mom and I went out Wednesday, she really pissed me off. She went to fill out a job application, and I went because I wanted to go to Lowe’s to check out wire gauges for my chain mail. She went to the post office, and had forgot her money. She sent a letter to Reece in Switzerland, and her letter of resignation to the School District. She had forgotten her money at home, so she had to pay with change that was in the car. She had to go to the bank to get money, she gave me my 40 dollars from the stuff I ordered that wasn’t in stock, and we went to this cafe. I didn’t want to eat croissants and the fattening other stuff at the cafe, I was hungry for food food, so she got mad that I was “ruining her fun”. We then drove to the Rite Aid. We were not on good terms from the cafe incident when we pulled up to rite-aid, and I had to go to a store to get something, so she gave me the money and said she was staying in the car. They didn’t have what I wanted, so I walked back outside (I should mention it was like 100 degrees) and the bitch wasn’t in the car. I waited in the FUCKING 200 DEGREE HEAT for about five minutes. I began to snap, every ten seconds I would take my boot and make a huge dent in the car. Finally the bitch fucking saunters out of Rite-Aid, and gets in the car. “What the fuck? Where were you?” I ask her. We get in the car, and I begin to regard her with the utter, complete, unadulterated, pure HATE of someone who’s waited seven minutes in 100 degree weather with no end in sight. The fucking bitch starts laughing at me. I lost whatever trace of politeness that had remained. I screamed at the top of my lungs, “WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!?????? I WAS OUT THERE WAITING IN THE FUCKING 100 DEGREE FUCKING WEATHER? WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? YOU SAID YOU WERE STAYING IN THE CAR, DID THAT EVER FUCKING CROSS YOUR FUCKING STUPID MIND?” Then there was silence, except for my intermittent almost inaudible murmurings of things like “god, I can’t wait until you’re dead” and “I would throw a fucking party if you died”. She drove to the CVS on the top of the hill and I got it there, then we went to Lowe’s, they didn’t have the wire I wanted (I’m never going back there, they never have anything I need). Then we went back home.

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>Enya – Only Time
>Powerman 5000 – When Worlds Collide (read about it in the entry)
>Rammstein – Du Hast
>Massive Attack – Black Milk

Yesterday I woke up extrordinarily bored, and cut the weeds (more like seven-foot-high overgrown shrubbery) on the side of the house here. Today kind of sucked, but it hasn’t even really begun. I watched TV all night, caught Will & Grace, was really bored. Went upstairs about six, made tea, read some of The Haunting Of Hill House. That is my favorite book, I absolutely love how it’s written…it just does something to me. I should include a quote. The characters are in the ‘game room’ of Hill House. “The cold greens of the table tops were reflected unhappily in the dark tiles around the fireplace; the inevitable wood paneling was, here, not at all enlivened by a series of sporting prints which seemed enterely devoted to various methods of doing wild animals to death, and over the mantel a deer head looked down upon them in patent embarrassment.” Anyway, we (my mother and I) were supposed to go to the Met and the Guggeneim today, she was too “tired”. Fucking die already if you can’t leave the house for one goddamn day. “I don’t want to go anywhere where there’s going to be lots of people,” she says. Rigoddamndiculous. There are nine million people on the fucking island. Where does she think we’re going? Nowhere, Illinois? Sometimes I wonder about her tenuous grip on reality, and on days like this, if there even is a grip. Powerman 5000 just came on the mp3 player, made me think of Paul, he made me download “When Worlds Collide”, this nonsensical nursery rhyme sung in the form of “shock rock” or whatever the fuck they’re pretending to be. I wonder what happened to him. As for Powerman, two words: intellectually bankrupt. Their songs are catchy though, I guess that’s the reason I haven’t had the heart to delete the song. And because it reminds me of Paul. Ah, Du Hast, now that’s more like it. So apparently my mom and I aren’t going anywhere. I said something really mean to her because she wouldn’t buy me anything that she promised to. I wanted to buy PVC so I could make my own PVC pants (in order to save money), she says she’ll only buy clothes that are already made. I find cool clothes on The Dark Angel, and she says they’re too expensive. It’s not my damn fault the dollar is weak. It’s almost one pound to two dollars. Fuck. Anyway, she basically lied about everything, and the more that I think about it she’s lied about almost every important thing in my life. Lied about accepting me as gay, lied that she was okay with me having gay friends….it sickens me. She’s now saying that people (as in the students at College Of The Redwoods) don’t dress in designer clothes. What the fuck? So because I live in a hick town and because I’m not going to a four-year college, I should look like a beggar? She says I have no idea about the value of money. My valuation of money is that I would rather spend a lot on something I will love, than a little on stuff I won’t really like and that everyone else that shops at Hot Topic will have. And, for the record, HT has a shitty selection in pants and shirts, they’re more centered on accessories, once you remove all the trendy shit they have to keep in stock to stay in buisiness. She’s in the room right now, I feel like telling her that, but I already have, but not all at once. Maybe I can convince her to help me get some clear plastic at the Rag Shop. I just apologized for saying that I would be glad to never see her face again, she’s not saying anything. I guess she thinks I just want her to take me to Edgewater, which I suppose is a factor, but I wouldn’t have apologized if I wasn’t sorry. When backed against the wall of her (and others’) illogical thought, I tend to take cheap shots. Oh well, it’s a character flaw. My mom just left, I guess she didn’t care that I said I was sorry. Fuck if I care. I’m going to try to convince her to take me to Edgewater, which will probably make her think I just said it to make her want to buy me stuff. Oh well.

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