I’ve been surfing sites about suicide for an hour now…there is so much hatred and sadness in the world…I think I should go to the doctor because I’m really depressed, this is from one of the posts I’ve been reading:

http://pub51.ezboard.com/fsuicidestoriesbyhartinofrm1.showMessageRange?topicID=306.topic&start=61&stop=79

“Today I was thinking about the same thing as you. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is a piece of @#%$!! Life isn’t about loving and sharing with one another. It’s not about crying at the sappy episodes of ‘Oprah’. It’s a test to @#%$ us around. There are only a few of us who can see that and I respect you for this. We are some of the few people who realize what we need to do. We see how pathetic everyone else is with their false hopes, only to find out that life doesn’t get better. You are special for realizing this. Well, enough of that bullshit, now to what you really want to know. You want to die, that goes without saying, I can help you but you need to trust me on this. I am assuming that you aren’t considered normal to the cheap, weak, pathetic @#%$ society, so you must be at the end. This isn’t quick, I can tell you that but if you join me on this one, we will accomplish what everyone else is afraid of. Take life into your own hands and do what you feel like. First of all, don’t eat. This will @#%$ up your mind even more and the doubts that you may have of dying will eventually vanish. This will also weaken your system. If they force you to eat, do so with a smile but don’t forget that you can always get rid of it afterward. If you smoke, smoke as much as you possibly can, now I’m not saying that you’ll get cancer and die, but it will add to the perfect frame of mind that you need to do this. If you don’t feel like talking to anybody, don’t. This will make them upset and isolate you so they won’t ever get in your way. It will also avoid attatchments. Eventually, when you’re weak and ready, take a plastic bag and a roll of duct tape. Put the bag over your head and tape it there. Start to breathe, trust me on this one, you won’t feel anything. You will quickly pass out into a comfortable sleep with carbon dioxide poisoning and you will die without even feeling it!! Make sure to lock your door. This seems like an easy thing to do right now, but the point of the preparation period is so that you have no feelings toward anyone else. Before you tie up the bag you may think about your mom or your dad finding you. This could hurt and snap you out of it. If you follow the preparation, you will have no feelings toward them, therefore you will die. Have fun and good luck. “

>Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper
>Nine Inch Nails - Pilgrimage

I’m still depressed…I’ve just been moping around the house this weekend watching violent movies, eating more than I should, and pacing restlessly. I can’t rest…I have to be doing something…I can’t stop, I can’t relax. I can’t get rid of the anxiety or the depression. I’m supposed to paint tomorrow and hang out with Danielle, I’ll be lucky if I make it out of bed I’m so depressed. I have no future. And just last week I was perfectly happy. Wrote Molly back, it’s a bit of a rant, but all e-mails are. I feel so much revulsion for this world, but I should accept it for the corrupt shithole that it really is, instead of some idealized version of it I love to believe exists, in movies like Dark City and The Matrix. I want everything not to matter. I suppose what I really want is someone to live for. Oh, and I have to confess something. Every time I get a cold (like this weekend) I worry that I have AIDS until it goes away. I am such a loser. And my allergy cough is coming back, but my dad won’t take me to get my medication. He’d be content to see me suffer. The one thing that pisses me off the most is the fucking goddamn pain in my wrists (my carpal tunnel thing). It makes it next-to-impossible to write my papers without getting frustrated very quickly. Well, I’m going to go.