Beethoven - ‘Moonlight’ piano sonata
The last few days have been a physical as well as emotional rollercoaster. All those days of staying up to obscenely late hours of the night, drinking case after case of diet coke on an empty stomach–it’s all catching up to me now. My dad woke me up really early in the morning (eleven, but still, I’d been stayin up till 9AM) and we went to the store. Couldn’t eat, had an upset stomach all day. I’ve been so tired today, I went to stick a CD in my scanner. I’m catatonic. Watched the Upright Citizens Brigade episodes with the audio commentary, those actors are so funny, they kept talking about Comedy Central forcing them be drug mules, and all this great stuff. I can’t wait until they release the second season. The Doom Generation is in my bag, I’m bringing it for Molly. She fixed her DVD player. I was thinking of bringing Crash too, but the book is much better than the movie. My aunt, cousin, and Taggart lost my copy of Crash. I have to mention them all individually because it’s now gone, and they all read it/tried to read it, so I must distribute the culpability equally. Taggart was the only one that finished it, we could philosophize while we watched the movie version of it. He came to the same conclusion as I did, that the car-crash is a metaphor for sex. However, the book is much too complex to put into one sentence. There are so many sub-plots and themes. Anyway, I should stop raving about Crash and talk about my failed love affair. Well, not so much love affair as lust affair. I’m like, completely over the whole situation now, but last night I was freaking out. Basically when he came over (on Friday) we watched movies and he pretended nothing happened. We talked a lot (well, with Kelly there). We ended up pulling out the couch after watching the screen saver on Kelly’s DVD player (the screensaver is my new god, we all agreed it would be our god while watching it for two hours). I’m going to paint the DVD Player screensaver on my new canvas and title it God Is In The TV. I’m going to give it to Kelly for Christmas. But anyway, after we pulled out the couch and were laying on it, Taggart’s hands started to rove. Kelly went to get something from the bathroom and I kind of touched his hand and said “so what did night before last mean?” and he said “inevitability.” It was a ‘I cannot fuck you now’ answer, but yea. The enigma of the universe. My cousin just signed in–perhaps she’ll enlighten me on something, hmm. Nope, she’s not talking. But anyway, I was kind of paralyzed with emotion after that, it got worse as the night wore on. I wanted to like, cuddle with him, but I would have felt horribly rejected if he like, pushed me away. It happened to me before when I wasn’t expecting it (a rejection of that sort [it was Justin, for you who used to go to Del Norte High]) so I have one of those conditioned fear responses. I was so conflicted and tired buy the time I left (the next morning, we stayed up all night) that I had no idea what was going on. I learned later that Taggart got kicked out of his house for staying at Kelly’s so long, and I was the reason he stayed. It was kind of an ego boost, but then I realized that he could have only wanted another orgasm. I slept most of the way back, but I woke up about an hour before we got home and wrote some stuff down in my sketch pad. I wrote a list of the best ways to die (The Doom Generation and Crash have this theme about simultaneous death). Number one was a nuclear bomb blast. I really want to die in a nuclear bomb blast. That would be so cool. But yea, another thing I wrote was this list of contradictions. I’m going to list them:
I want fidelity from a partner but I’m a whore
I want affection but I’m afraid to give it
I want perfection from a partner, but I’m not perfect
How can one have love at first sight without lust at first sight?
I think Mr. Right is actually just a copy of me
I want to love another but can’t love myself.
[then i scribbled in huge letters]
FUCK INEVITABILITY
[in smaller letters underneath]
fuck taggart fuck AIDS fuck love
we’re all going to die anyway
Kelly was really great last night though, she talked with me for hours and I felt SO MUCH BETTER. It was like, the invention of the uncertainty principle, or hopefully the release of Nowhere on DVD. So now I’m kind of in this sleepy haze, at uneazy zen with what happened. Another factor in the whole Taggart thing is that he has a girlfriend. Kelly and I call her Linkin Park Frenchie, I don’t know why, Kelly came up with it, but yea. Taggart has dated some REALLY lame girls (exhibit A: KATIE!!!! [the embodiment of lameness]), so I feel like this is no exception. Kelly and I think that he really likes guys more than girls, and from what he’s told me and the vibes I get, I think it’s true. I don’t think he’s ready to have an open homosexual relationship though. Even if we were going to go out, I don’t think it would last very long. And it can’t happen at all, because he lives in Sacramento. However, Kelly and I agree that he just isn’t the kind of a person for long-term commitment. Although I guess we shouldn’t judge him.
