> Weezer - Say It Ain’t So
> Ludvig van Beethoven - ‘Moonlight’ Piano Sonata (2nd Mov.)
> Placebo - Brick Shithouse
> Marilyn Manson - Use Your Fist And Not Your Mouth
> White Town - Your Woman
I’ve been feeling like shit all weekend…and it’s getting worse. I’ve been eating a lot and not getting much done other than watching lots of Daria reruns and lame movies. Saw Ghost Ship…it’s quite possibly the lamest movie I’ve ever seen. I’ve been thinking a lot about mortality…I’ve been sick this weekend and every time I get sick I think the worst, I freak out and think I have AIDS, and then it devolves into thinking I have hantavirus (mice have invaded our house…it’s so disgusting…they shit in our silverware drawer) then by the time I get better I go “oh gosh it was just a cold.” But now I’m in the OMG I’m going to die mode. I’m freaking out because I think I might have an STD (which is usually later in my disease cycle after I’ve convinced myself I don’t have AIDS) and I really might, but I’m pretty much fucked, I mean, I couldn’t breathe with my athsma and my dad didn’t give a flying fuck, so I basically have to wait until I die or something to get tests and/or treatment. I completely and perfectly hate him. His apathy violently revolts me. My allergies are coming back, so I can’t stop coughing and sneezing. There are only a few inhalations left of the medicine my mom sent me. I’m kind of looking forward to death…at least it’ll prove to the universe that my dad is one of the most vile, depraved children on the planet. I wonder how he’ll explain to “mommy dearest” his near-incestuous mother, how he killed his child. If there is some kind of gradiose Romanesque elysium, I’ll get to send him to hell…and I’ll be in a pretty suit of shiny armor. But I know it’s all crap. I don’t matter…and that’s kind of the sad irony of it. I really can’t learn the way I’m supposed to in college. That’s reason number two why I’m depressed. I need to stay up all night and sleep all day. That’s my normal cycle, but the world makes me get up at 5 in the morning and be awake during the day. I get so much done at night. I can’t read during the day…it just bores me, but at night I can just shine the light on what I’m reading and be completely absorbed in it. I typed a while on my philosophy paper, but I was too tired to finish it…my wrists were killing me and Daria came on. Then I watched The Lost Boys until a while ago. Now it’s 1:17 in the morning and I’m supposed to go over to Star’s house tomorrow. You know, I really am sick of being other people’s entertainment. I just want to be left alone sometimes. Especially when I’m depressed. But I think that it’s just Star…she pisses me off…she keeps trying to get me to fuck her. I’m like, NO. And yet she still tries. It really pisses me off. I think I’m going to have to stop being friends with her if she doesn’t stop. I’ve been cruising Amazon.com for hours and hours tonight, I’ve found so many edifying books. I wish I had the money to buy them and the time to read them. I’m really attracted to this book Simulacra and Simulation by Jean Baudrillard. Here’s a quote:
“This way the stake will always have been the murderous power of images, murders of the real, murderers of their own model, as the Byzantine icons could be those of divine identity. To this murderous power is opposed that of representations as a dialectical power, the visible and intelligible mediation of the Real. All Western faith and good faith become engaged in this wager on representation: that a sign could refer to the depth of meaning, that a sign could be exchanged for meaning and that something could guarantee this exchange - God of course. But what if God himself can be simulated, that is to say can be reduced to the signs that constitute faith? Then the whole system becomes weightless, it is no longer itself anything but a gigantic simulacrum, not unreal, but a simulacrum, that is to say never exchanged for the real, but exchanged for itself, in an uninterrupted circuit without reference or circumference.”
Sure, it’s abstruse, and may just be postmodern ramblings, but I think that it’s poignant anyway. It’s very J.G. Ballard. I wish I had money. Oh well. My mom is sending me the rest of the books I bought when I was in New York, I hope there are some in there I haven’t read. Actually, I think I’d like to read Of Human Bondage again. I really enjoyed it. Hmm, someone says the Baudrillard book is a handbook of pseudo-intellectualism. Oh well. I need to start reading again. But anyway, my style of learning is reading books and discussing them or writing papers on them. In philosophy, I’m forced to write a paper on a chapter that is probably only three times the word count of my paper. It’s hard to distill information without outright plagarism. I mean, I understand the concepts, but the author talks about everything so generally, I just wish the book was twice as long. Maybe that’s why I’ve been drooling over these philosophical books. Hmm. God, this entry made my wrist feel like someone snapped it. I must get a brace. And buy more books.
