I want to fuck Taggart again.

Renamed Royce to Isabou, we let her go, went to see my grandpa and his wife Marian, they were okay they didn’t try to convert me. I kind of like them. Depressed about the Taggart incident. I want him to love me. I want someone to love me. Is that so wrong? But god–yea. Got Upright Citizens Brigade on DVD and my mom’s b-day present that she won’t appreciate. I hate her. I’m talking to this guy on the internet who is kinda cool. He’s boring me, I want to ask him how big his penis is so he’ll stop talking to me. He’s being really vague. I think he’s a simulation too. I have this new theory that there are some people are simulations of real people. It’s Beaudrillardian. Must get my clammy hands on that book. I would be Molly’s eternal layout slave if she bought it for me. That sounds a little too sexual for print–oh well–too lazy to delete it. That guy is really stupid, he’s a virgin. I lost my virginity at fifteen, I’m a whore. And I’ve never had a boyfriend. How depressing. We’re watching Event Horizon now.

> Nine Inch Nails - Heresy

Kelly and I are playing with Royce (our praying mantis). I found out they only live for like six months! We’re going to catch flies for Royce to eat. I’m kinda bored. Talked to Christine and Danielle, they are hanging out ALL THE TIME. I wonder how long it’s going to take before they get sick of each other. She thought it was rude when I asked her if they’d gotten sick of each other. They’ve only been hanging out for like five days. After a few weeks it’ll get waaay to montonous.

> Nine Inch Nails - Complication
> Nine Inch Nails - Ripe (With Decay)

So anyway, today was weird, woke up after falling asleep watching In The Mouth Of Madness, woke up at like one in the afternoon, we got ready to go to my grandma’s house. We had to eat dinner like, early, cuz my cousin Michael had to go to work. I really didn’t eat much, I haven’t eaten much since we got drunk on Monday–I was nauseous for like three days so I only ate like a bird–and my stomach is really small. I should market it, the vodka diet. I could barely eat any turkey or anything. Well we fucked around with the hammock for a while and Kelly found this praying mantis, I named him Royce after this cool dude that used to live near me. Oh yeah! I’ve got to find out what they eat. We played this inexorably complicated game of tile rummy, then I got all my stuff together and me, Kelly, and Jared went back to Kelly’s house. We’ve been watching SLC Punk and I’ve been blogging. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, I have to miss out on Taggart time to be with my stupid grandpa and grandma who keep trying to convert me. I’m really tempted to tell them to fuck off next time they ask me what Jesus wants in my life.

“Only the wisest and the stupidest of men never change.”
–Plato

> Watching SLC Punk
> Nine Inch Nails - Just Like You Imagined
> Nine Inch Nails - Even Deeper
> Nine Inch Nails - Into the Void
> Nine Inch Nails - Please
> Nine Inch Nails - Starfuckers

Well, Taggart came over, and we started watching The Doom Generation (me and Kelly’s favorite movie EVER). Anyway, Taggart was sitting on the couch, but somehow somebody moved and I moved to the recliner, and Taggart sat down on the the beanbag chair in front of me. He laid his head down on my lap, and was kind of touching my leg. Immediately, I thought: we’re going to end up having sex. Unless you’ve read every post I’ve ever posted since I started this thing, this requires some explanation. I first met Taggart like, years ago. He was so magnificently beautiful–but he was on a blind date with this chick Lacey, it was disappointing. He is now going out with this lame chick that supposedly looks like a boy. But I’d heard for like ever from Kelly that Taggart thought I was hot. So anyway, fast-forward to last night. He kept repositioning his head in my lap, more than would be normal. We finished The Doom Generation and moved on to Crash. We made eye contact, and he eventually got up and sat in the recliner with me, and we kind of cuddled for a while. I don’t want to turn this into a porn story, but we had an interesting experience, and I really like him. I don’t know exactly what it means, but I’ll find out next time I see him. If he puts his arm around me or stands close or something, I’ll know it wasn’t just the acting out of a fantasy, but (being the cynic I am) he probably won’t acknowedge my existence. That would be so cool if we went out, I’ve never had a relationship that wasn’t sado-masochistic. It would be a pleasant experiment in normalcy. Afterwards, we went outside, he smoked a cigarette, I drank a diet coke, and we talked for a while. He told me that he’d waited for that moment for like, three years. I’m not sure whether he was just saying that, but it ws supposedly the best (or one of the best, I don’t remember) orgasms he’d ever had. I think he’s gay, not bi, he chooses the ugliest and lamest girls ever to go out with. He went to Merced today, he’s supposed to be back on Friday. I must stop thinking about him or I’m going to be disappointed. I must not idealize him. And he has a girlfriend, but he had no remorse. I think she’s as lame as Katie. He had to leave at two, which was pretty much after we finished talking outside. I have to see my Grandpa tomorrow, he’s coming down from Placerville. I really don’t want to. I kinda want to say something like, “oh gosh I’ve got to get fucked up the ass by my boyfriend” and leave. But they did send me some birthday money, I should donate some time to them. Eh, fuck altruism.