Hello my avid readers, I’ve been reading my St. Martin’s Handbook for the last hour or so, been reading the chapter on constructing logical arguments, it’s so fascinating. I wish Mr. Letko was a good teacher. I could be a better teacher than him. But I pity him, there are only like seven of us that show up for class every day, and he has like thirty students. We are the only dedicated ones, the ones who want to learn. Saddening. But I do have a topic for my research paper! I’m doing it on…well…I’ll list my thesis and such in Toulmin’s format. Well, on second thought, maybe not. I still haven’t quite grasped Toulmin’s format. But my thesis is going to be: America’s military should welcome gays and lesbians. I’m not quite sure about it though. My first version was “integrate” gays and lesbians, but that, in practice, would be rediculous. But, however, so would welcoming them. I can’t think of a good verb. I got integrate from this article about Britain “integrating” it’s armed services. I bet that’s the last thing you’ll hear on FOX News: gays and lesbians are fighting in the Coalition! Coalition. Yeah right. Basically every country that couldn’t afford to piss us off joined the “Coalition.” What a load of shit. But for my essay I was thinking of calling the priest at the Catholic place thingy and asking what he thought about it. But, of course, my readers need to know that I get these lofty, grandiose essay ideas, and due to–I don’t know–I end up doing something mundane. But I highly doubt this. Argumentative essays are my thing, I’m good with logic (or at least I think so). Oh, that reminds me of a quote. “Listen…not to me, but to the Logos.” –Heraclitus I’m going to have to do some Proquest tomorrow and get some good articles. Mmm…debunking bible-thumpers…such sinful pleasures I have.

> Deftones - My Own Summer (Shove It)

Today was cool, kinda. Was in this sleepy haze until English. Tara gave me presents! I wish I had a car so I could put the keychains she gave me on my keys. Daniela was there, we talked for a while. Liz said the stupidest crap in my English class, it was glorious. I was so glad I had Tawna to look over to and without saying a word go “She is so fucking stupid.” Ah, the glory of friends. Daniela and I actually went to art (a miracle) for the midterm review. The review was like ten seconds, and the Art Nazi complimented me and Daniela (her especially) on our articles in the Drift. It was really weird. But anyway, after the video started playing, we got bored instantly. Daniela looked at me: “Why are we here?” My question exactly. Josh’s car was in the parking lot when Daniela, Amy, and I walked to Gas 4 Less. We stalked him for like twenty minutes, but we couldn’t find him. Daniela and Amy were a little obsessed with finding him, but still. We then walked to Gas 4 Less, Amy was hungry and I wanted to get a lighter. Earlier that day I finally revealed to Daniela that I had a key to the Drift Office, I don’t know why I didn’t want to say anything earlier. I’ve been meaning to say to Daniela that I can’t get her blog to load, I click the link and it goes “error” or something, so I must remember to like, ask her to give me a link that works. I think the link I’d gotten before used to work. Oh well. Well, I’m going to go read my Justice chapter and meditate on the intrinsic beauty of my kilt. It was GLORIOUS. ABSOLUTELY GLORIOUS. It just didn’t fit :((((. Poop.

> Marilyn Manson - mOBSCENE
> Marilyn Manson - Fight Song

I was talking to Heather, it was like six, and I had just said that I’d given up hope, then someone knocked on the door and it was UPS!! I rushed into my room and put my kilt on, noticing only at the last minute that it was like three inches too big in the waist: i.e. huge. I so cried!!!! The stupid evil peeps at Utilkilts said to order like two inches bigger, so I did, and it was two inches bigger. GRRRRRR. I’m very angry. I sent an e-mail asking whether I could exchange it. I read their policy, they’ll let me, but I felt like playing stupid. So many good things happened this week, I knew something shitty was in the works, and I’m glad this was it instead of a bad grade in one of my classes. We had midterm review in Art today, she didn’t really say anything. I’m going to skim my art book. I’m so behind in everything. Well, it’s not that I’m behind, I just haven’t been studying and I’m not writing my papers early. Oh shit! I have to turn in my justice paper late tomorrow. Shit shit shit. Must read the chapter tonight. At this point I’m pretty sure I’ve learned everything I need to learn in all my classes. I wish I was going to a real college. I’m watching the video for “Army of Me” by Bjork. It’s the weirdest video I’ve ever seen. It is almost exactly like a dream on film. But anyway, I really should be working on schoolwork. But I’m probably going to watch a few Upright Citizens Brigade episodes. Damn my procrastination. I’m so fucking bored. The whole fucking world bores me. History class is like…a shot glass full of soda when what I want is a beer mug filled with straight vodka. I want like, eight solid hours for each class. I want to know so much–but I can’t. Damn the “educational” system. Damn myself for being too lazy to do stuff. I think I’m going to write my meaning of life paper. I’m going to defend nihilism for three pages because I feel like shit. I’ve been thinking about death a lot, and I think I’m moving on towards acceptance. I go through my “I haven’t accomplished enough to die” phases and then my “Gosh, I’ve accomplished a lot, I think my life is fulfilled” phases. I’m leaning towards the latter, but in a few months I’ll be leaning the other way. At least I can understand my cycles. I wonder when my long hair/short nails thing will switch back to long nails/short hair. Hmm. I don’t know why I’m mildly depressed, maybe it’s because I allowed myself the indulgence of a love song. I’m trying to not fall into the same cycle of feeling used and worthless, so I’m denying myself the wallowing in self-pity that usually follows my random flings. I am really not proud of anything. I wish I was a virgin, but then I would have to go through all the shit I’ve gone through all over again. Not fun. Okay, stopping the love song music video, it’s turning on my shitty unloved regret mode. Ah good, some insipid rock, namely Powerman 5000. Must write my justice paper. Goddamn I’m lazy. Switching from insipid rock to German rock, namely Rammstein. I don’t know if it’s insipid, cuz I don’t speak German. But it doesn’t seem so. I guess I’m depressed because of Taggart, I might as well say it, it’s not like I’m fooling anyone but myself. I wish I wasn’t so….I don’t know. I always… Oh fuck, just shut up. I’m emotionally inept. All this fear of rejection, all these conditoned fear responses. I want to shed them and start all over, but I can’t. I’d be even more inept. If that were even possible. Must write my justice paper so I can start the meaning of life paper, which if I am still in this mood will be an EPIC debunking of the world as everyone else sees it. Life is not the answer, death is. My thesis: the human race is a hiccup in the law of entropy. Our sole function is to create more disorder in the universe, and that’s exactly what we are doing. Every activity our bodies and our machines do gives off heat, which is disordered energy that can never be recovered. Eventually we will exhaust our planet, the sun will burn out, and we will be extinguished. Even if we survive into the billionth century, the universe is finite (the only solution to the collapse/overexpansion of the universe and entropy is an infinitely large universe) and in a closed system entropy always increases. In short, live your life and die. That’s all we can possibly do. There is no god. God evolved because those who had some form of religion survived better than those who didn’t. In our society, this doesn’t hold true any more. In the words of Nietzche: “God is dead.” So I must finish my Justice paper.

> Marilyn Manson - Target Audience

I got home and there was NO PACKAGE ON THE DOORSTEP. Hellish. And I was so excited. :( It still says on the website that they went out at 8:30AM to deliver it. I guess it could still come, it’s only 5:00, but the early darkness makes me think it’s so much later. :( But anyway, had a cool day. I’ll blog about it later, I’m going to go do something other than pace the house waiting for the UPS truck to come.

I slept for ten hours last night, and I just took a two-hour nap in the office. Twelve hours–I hope I’m just making up for Thanksgiving weekend, it’s beginning to worry me. But anyway, OMG. I just went to the UPS website to track my package, and it says it’s been out for delivery since 8:30! My kilt could be waiting right there on my doorstep!!!! There’s no way to put my excitement into words.

I was realizing today that my mother is even more evil than I remember. She wouldn’t let me wear makeup and when I did she would come and attack me and try to smear it off (she worked at the school I went to). That came back to me this morning. It’s 11:40 and I would imagine there to be people in the Drift Office, but no–today is dead. This morning, the cappucino lady said she only had three high schoolers come over.

I’m reaching the point where I hate Christmas. Before it actually starts, I love it, I put up lights and decorate, but now I’m starting to hear all the annoying christmas songs, and see all the sappy TV shows about the “meaning” of Christmas. It’s sickening. But as long as I’m not exposed to the sickening tentacles of Corporate America, I do love Christmas. Oh, that reminds me, I was in the mall in Sacramento, and they had this three story high tree with all these scary fairies or something on it. I commented that if the world ended on Christmas, and archaeologists of the future dug up our cities, they would come to some interesting conclusions about our society. But anyway, I think I’m going to voyage towards the room where we have the Drift meeting.