I wrote a post, re-titled my blog (it’s from a line from a Nine Inch Nails song), read Tara and Tawna’s blog posts, and was just about to go to sleep, when I realized that I had to burn three CDs for that Deanna character (she paid me for them in advance). I’m doing that now on the other computer. Now I have to stay up an hour later than I would normally have. Oh well. I love my pentagram pendant thingy Tawna gave me, I haven’t taken it off since I put it on, I sleep in it, shower in it, it doesn’t bother my neck at all and doesn’t get in my way and is just so beautiful. I love it. Tara, if you read this, I’m going to be at school pretty much all day Friday, and that’ll probably be the last day of everything, so–I’d kind of like Invisible Monsters back–I want to read it again over the break, and I don’t know when I’ll see you next. Anyway, I forgot again to call the library to see if they had Civilization and It’s Discontents–eh screw it I’ll just buy it when I go to Sacramento, along with all the other books I’ve been dying to read. I’d gotten stuck in Simulacra and Simulation: Baudrillard was writing about this cultural phenomenon which I had no clue what it was, so I had to skip that chapter and move on. He called the chapter “The Beaubourg Effect,” and kept referring to this place/thing called Beaubourg. Maybe it’s something French, I don’t know. But anyhow I just skipped to the next chapter, and I’ve been happily reading along since. I’m 2/3 done with it, and I’m kind of sad that there isn’t more–but I haven’t gotten to the Crash chapter yet. That one should be interesting. Well, off to read.

> Marilyn Manson - I Don’t Like The Drugs (But The Drugs Like Me)
> Marilyn Manson - The Nobodies
> Nine Inch Nails - Into The Void

I love this video. Marilyn at his best. So many good lyrics. Anyway, I was determined not to write an entry about my opinions on Taggart, but here I am doing it anyway…I guess all I want to say is that I’m conflicted. I really hope something could happen between me and him–I’ve never had a boyfriend before–it might be a great experience. However, distance is the one problem. I live in Crescent Shitty, and he lives in Sacramento. I have been thinking about moving in with my grandma, I’m going to talk with her about it tomorrow. I mean, Michael lives there–and the antichrist loves me. I just wouldn’t stay around much. I wouldn’t have to pay for college, I’m on grants–and I really don’t eat much. It seems more plausible the more I think about it. I’m eating a salad, and I went to take a bite, and I bit down on my headphone cord–that was weird. I haven’t eaten a salad in like, ages–this one was left over from dinner. I should eat them more often. I remember Mindy would eat these gargantuan salads. I called her today, Mindy. Garrett (her husband) didn’t get the job in Seattle. We had a good conversation. Her life is so boring. Her life makes my life look like a three-ring circus–and I’m in Crescent Shitty. Which really makes you think. But anyway, I really hope I can get my dad to either drive me or get me a bus ticket. I love Sacramento–or for that matter any big city. But I love Sacramento more because of Kathy and Kelly, and I love New York most of all because of Trash and Vaudeville. And because it’s New York, cultural Mecca of the universe. Anyway, I really hope something happens between me and Taggart. I just don’t know what he wants. I want love, in the most childish way–I want to cuddle for hours while listening to Nine Inch Nails–I want to watch depressing movies and cry together–I want to stay up all night watching movies and go out to see the sunrise–I want to play with his hair for hours, I want to go to sleep and wake up together–I want us to make random trips to the convienience store–I want us to go to the graveyard to read tombstones–I want to meditate on the meaning of the universe while we look into each others’ eyes–I want to go to concerts and mosh with him, I just want to lay on a sidewalk and contemplate his beauty openly. Okay, that was quite needy–but yea. I just want someone who wants to try to understand me, who’s intelligent and creative, just someone who loves me. I don’t know what the word means, but I want to find out. Okay, there, it’s done. I’m watching the “Into The Void” video, the lyric is perfect: “tried to save myself but myself keeps slipping away.” Well, I guess I should see what’s on TV. Requiem for a Dream is on tonight, but I am NOT stupid enough to watch it. It would spiral me into unparalelled depression.

“Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.”
–Lord Chesterfield

> Garbage - Cherry Lips (Go Baby Go!)

I’m so happy! Yay! Just got off the phone with my aunt Kathy, she can’t drive me to Sac, but basically whenever I want to come down I can. I have to talk to my evil grandmother to see if I can stay there when Kathy goes to Santa Cruz. I can feel the Mecca of Sacramento beckoning me forth. I really want to see if I can live with my grandma in Sac, that would be so cool. I wonder if she’d let me. I’m going to ask my dad tomorrow if he’ll buy me a bus ticket to Sac, but I doubt he will. I don’t know how else I can get there, but I’d walk if I had to. I’m not staying here for x-mas. Tomorrow I’m going to talk to my grandma too, on the pretext of seeing where my ancestors came from. Must write my position paper, and then I’ll be completely devoted to my task of getting to Sacramento at all costs. And I have to find out when the next semester stars. I should write about my feelings towards Taggart–but I’m not sure. I’m getting all these mixed signals, I think I need to talk to him. Well, I should go. I said I’d call Kelly back in like fifteen minutes but I’m not sure how much time has passed.

I was in a very good mood until I just talked to my mom. I started to tell her how I was feeling, and she started laughing at me.

Me: “You’re laughing at me?”
Her: “No, I’m not laughing at you…just…”
(I continue talking while she still laughs)
(she laughs harder and harder the more I talk)
Me: “Fuck you!” (I hang up)

I don’t love her. If all she can do is laugh at my feelings–that is the cruellest thing she could have ever done. I hate her so vehemently, but it’s so painful because I still love the person she used to be. I should also mention that she’s gone off her medications since I left NJ. My last bastion of hope is that she’s just crazy when she’s not on her medications–but she was just as stupid and judgemental when she was on them. I hate her.

In other news, I talked to my cousin, it turns out that her mom can’t give
me a ride to Sacramento (surprise surprise). It’s supposedly because
they’re broke and they’re being sued by this credit agency or something–she’s always having credit troubles. Kelly’s been telling me
about Taggart, supposedly he was talking to his girlfriend and he wanted
me and her to share him (yes I know, hideously amusing, he actually expected
to her to go along with it). So she wrote him this EVIL letter in GREEN!
(this takes some explanation, Taggart is color-blind, so it just looks grey to him, i.e. almost unreadable) So I think they’re through. Kelly says that
Taggart said something about me but she couldn’t tell if it was positive or
negative. So I can only wait and bleed. Figuratively, that is. Well, Taggart and I talked about a bunch of stuff–but he didn’t really reveal
much. Kelly told me that he told her that I was “the one who made him
realize he was bisexual.” Sweet. But I’m still unsure about everything.
I need to write an expansive blog entry about my feelings towards him, but I
need to call my aunt tonight (I called earlier and she was at the store).

OH. MY. GOD. Right after I typed the last post, that uber-depressed piece of nonsense, Taggart got online and we talked for like, two hours. He said basically that he liked me too and wanted to see what could happen. I’m coming down to Sac for a month and a half (if I can ever get ahold of my aunt) so like–I might have my first boyfriend! That would be so great and uber-amazing. Well, I had some hella-weird dreams last night, one dream I was in a store and saw this black skirt with red pinstripes and I was like OMG and went to try it on but it ended up being pants and I was disappointed. Another, my dad and were in New York, we went in to Sean Puffy Combs’ store and like he was there. My dad bought Mulholland Drive on DVD, and the storekeeper lady was freaking that she left a bit of the price sticker on the cellophane. Well anyway, my dad and I were walking down a street and it was kind of late and I was all “let’s go to Trash and Vaudeville, it’s like the best store ever–but it’s kind of late” and my dad said it was too late. I asked him how long we’d be in NY and he’s all two days (including that day) and I was all ‘then we can go tomorrow’ and he was all “no, we’re going to a theme park with your grandmother tomorrow.” I don’t know what that signifies. And then I was on some road trip with fat people in this big van–we had to rent another van for some reason–I don’t really remember much about that dream. Some telemarketer woke me up and I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I tried calling Danielle to talk with her about the whole Taggart thing, there are some things that I’m not sure of. But she was at school. Molly e-mailed me back, I don’t think she grasps that I’m going to be in Sacramento in like three days. Well, if I can ever get ahold of my aunt. Well, Tawna sent me an e-mail, it just popped up. I should post this and read it.