I just want to say for the record that I FUCKING HATE that “Calling All Angels” song. I fucking hate country songs with stupid lyrics sung by cretin imbeciles who don’t know reality from a hole in the ground.

Ah, I feel much better after getting that out of my system. That song came on again on the TV and I wanted to kill. But I’m much better now. I’m not depressed any more, I got this super-nice e-mail from Molly, and I’ve been talking to Kelly and Jared for the last few hours. I told Kelly the “blowjob” story, she loved it. I can’t believe I never told her that story, it’s like my funniest story ever. One of my friends said they’d go with me to get tested, I’m happy. I’ll elaborate on my feelings towards the world later, my movie is on. Turns out they made a sequel to Devil In The Flesh. Interesting.

> Nine Inch Nails - Underneath It All
> Nine Inch Nails - Complication
> Nine Inch Nails - Please (my love theme song)

I’m listening to lots of Nine Inch Nails. The music–it makes me whole. Jared’s talking to me (the guy that lives at Kelly’s house). He went to take a crap like two minutes ago. It must be a glorious poo to take this long. He’s back, he’s asking me if I like Oscar Wilde. I really have no opinion on him. Taggart’s ex liked Wilde. I’m reserving judgement. Kelly’s on now, she’s saying that Jared has this feud with Katie (the sultan of infinite lameness)’s boyfriend. Talking with Godspoeta, we’re talking about sex. We both operate on the premise that everybody wants it. He convinced me that becoming a eunuch would be bad. Damn hormones. I wish they would all go away. Well after I grow all my facial hair. That would just be weird to have half-grown facial hair for the rest of one’s life. Fuck. I’m fucked. I need to die. Soon. But I really want my lip ring. But I don’t want to spend money. But I want Royce to pierce me. I need to paint. Now. But I odn’t have any canvases, I don’t have a soul, I don’t have a reason to live. I don’t have a philosophy, I don’t have fake goals to dangle in front of myself like carrots–what am I supposed to do? Who am I? Why do I want these piercings? I think I’m a poser. I’m trying to conform, to look like everyone else–I’m a poser. I’m a copy. I look like everyone else, think like everyone else. I am shit. My parents may have wanted me when I was a kid but now they want to get rid of me. I’m a living abortion. The walking dead. Tried to save myself but my self keeps slipping away. That’s a NIN lyric. But it makes sense. I slip away with every moment that passes. There is no love, no truth, no justice, no morality, no heaven, no hell, no god. My whole life has been spent shedding illusions, and I’m sitting here so disillusioned that there’s nothing left to believe in. Once you peel off all the layers of the onion, what’s left? A big shining core of nothing. And that’s how I feel about myself, and about the world. Without illusions the world can’t exist. At least not as we know it. So I need to create more illusions. I need to believe in god to make myself feel special, I need to pretend like the world matters, like it really matters if the world is better or worse after I leave it. Nothing matters. We’re all going to die anyway. I should fuck anyone, start smoking, smoke pot, do drugs. But I can’t. Just like I can’t believe in god. Illusions. Fuck. I JUST WISH IT WOULD ALL GO AWAY.

Orgy - Platinum “Something dirty’s got you dear / Makes me want to be with you / Something painful’s with you dear / Makes me want to be with you”

I started this post to say something, but I can’t remember what it was. Hmm. I remember it was somewhat important–hmm. I stopped washing my hair, I’m hoping that the natural hair juices will strengthen my hair. It looks cool all angrified on my head anyway. The more I keep this fake lip ring in the more I want a real one. I love it, it looks so gravy. I’m beginning to become obsessed with piercings. I want to get my nipples done after my lip. Hmm. Still can’t remember what I started this post for. I’ve been so bored lately, and too tired to read. I should go read until I remember what the hell I was going to post.

> Placebo - I Know “I know / The past will catch up / As you run faster”
> Marilyn Manson - Doll-Dagga Buzz-Buzz Ziggety-Zag “we’re all manically depressed and manically dressed”
> Nine Inch Nails - Underneath It All
> Rob Zombie - Spookshow Baby

I’m in a REALLY bad mood– I couldn’t fix Molly’s computer, and my step-grandma Marian sent me this six-page letter patiently explaining how I need to realize that God is the only real truth. I’d opened the package she’d sent me and it was tea, and I was so happy. She knows I love tea, so it was very thoughtful. I didn’t read the letter until later though. Kill. I really like Marian, but I got SO FUCKING PISSED when I read that. I ripped it up and threw it away. I was going to write something back explaining how much that pissed me off, but halfway I came to the realization that I was wasting my time. She’s not going to respect my beliefs. Except for Kathy and Kelly, nobody in my family respects me. They all want to either change me or pretend I don’t exist. Fuck them all. I’m also depressed because I’m almost certain I have an STD. I want to get tested but I don’t want that moment to come. “You have _____.” I’m scared and I’m probably spreading disease because of it. Fuck the world. In other news, I modified this earring Christine gave me to function as a fake lip ring. It looks so cool on me. I want to get the real one. And I want Royce to do it. Last night I watched Videodrome to get my thoughts off the intensely depressing subject of Molly’s computer, and I was so tempted to smoke a cigarette with my Zippo. I lit one and let the smoke fill my mouth, blew it out, and put out the cigarette. And I felt better. Weird. I wonder if I’m addicted to second-hand smoke. I’ve been thinking of getting high on nicotine patches, I think it would be hella-amusing. Drugs are fun. And I’m feeling more like I want to die sooner as my real or percieved disease continues. I felt like shit this morning, I peeled myself out of bed, it was so hot in my room, I thought I had a fever, my nose was stuffed up, and my sinuses felt congested. I thought immediately: yep, i have AIDS. This is going to be the cold that’s going to kill me. I took a shower and got dressed and all the congestion had gone. I must stop overreacting and get tested already. So scared. I really need to do it before I go to Sacramento–the inexorable drive to have sex with Taggart again makes me feel this titanic weight of regret for possibly killing him. That’s just it. This titanic feeling of letting Molly down and this titanic guilt for possibly infecting people. Not fun. I wish I had a good movie to make me feel better. Let’s see–what would that movie be…ahh….La Femme Nikita. I love that movie–it would definitely cheer me up. I could have bought it today but I didn’t feel like it, I’m afraid it’ll get delivered and I won’t be here. I simultaneously love and hate traveling. Hopefully they’ll have it in a store somewhere in Sacramento. Well, I’m going to maybe go watch Upright Citizens Brigade to make myself feel better.

“Let’s make sure all of these offensive forms of entertainment are shown publicly, and burned immediately as a warning to us all!”

–Marilyn Manson

> Gavin Rossdale - Adrenaline
> Placebo - Scared Of Girls “I’m a man / a liar / guaranteed in your bed”

I haven’t blogged in days–my computers have been out of comission all weekend. Molly and I went to the Purple Cat place after she picked up her kids and we went to the post office (I signed up for the draft). We decided that I would take her computer over to my house so I could fix it. I started installing Windows XP on it, and it restarted. It asked me which partition to put it on, and I had it put it on the partition that had Windows 98 on it–it restarted and then gave me this weird error. It won’t recognize the hard drive or anything–I don’t know what’s wrong with it. I tried putting it in my computer as a secondary drive, and it worked okay then, I was able to put files on it, but when I formatted it and put it back in the computer it came out of it didn’t work. I got really depressed, because I’d installed XP on both my computer and my dad’s–and it was somehow defective. I couldn’t connect to the internet and when I tried it would freeze. So yesterday I uninstalled that faulty copy of XP off my computers and tried for hours to get Molly’s computer to work, futile attempt after futile attempt. My best guess is that the boot sector is corrupt. My Upright Citizens Brigade shirt came on Friday! It was so prettyful. On Saturday my dad, Lisa and I went car shopping and present shopping in Brookings. I got Videodrome on DVD at Fred Meyer’s, but we decided to just get Kelly and Kathy’s presents in Sacramento, Freddy’s had a bad selection of DVDs. Must go eat, post later.