>Nine Inch Nails – Deep
Officially sick of Human, Taggart is so manic, he’s calling the Church of God or something like that to harass them. Fuck. What did I get myself in to. He’s yelling. I can see the ship sinking already as he sits there gesticulating and yelling at the Christian guy. I can’t witness this spectacle, I’m trying to keep my eyes glued to the screen. He’s off the phone. Hmm. Fuck. He’s so high. I should cut my losses now. Fuck. Fucking fuck. I’m in love with a loony freak. I think I’m going to take out my contacts and be sociable.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 29, 2003 – 9:17 pm
- Author:
- By A.
>Elastica – Human
I’ve listened to human like four times, I just love it. Still looking at Taggart’s drawings, I’ve decided I don’t want to experience reality, I want to get as far away from it as possible. If I could blog via television or something then the reality loop would be complete. Ah, the undraped glory of simulacrum. Dan got us condoms when he went to get the pizza–I’m not really looking forward to this episode. Taggart is within reading distance. Must post this. Hmm, he moved away. Perhaps I should still post it. I wonder if he wonders what I’m writing. He’s enjoying being the center of attention, he’s pretty manic. I don’t remember if I mentioned this but Taggart’s manic depressive. I’ve been watching his moods today and I can tell he’s pretty manic right now. I think that could be the end of our relationship–he says he can be like, mean if people won’t leave him alone when he’s depressed or when he’s really manic he’ll just break up with people for something to do. I’m kind of worried. I’m telling them about me being rude on my trip from NY to CA. Stopping blogging, it’s hard to maintain eye contact.
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- Published:
- December 29, 2003 – 9:09 pm
- Author:
- By A.
> Elastica – Human
Human is the best song in the world. Um–I cleaned the kitchen. Why the fuck did I start this post? We got pizza. Taggart was talking about this design that he draws on stuff and he said that he drew it on his penis. He wouldn’t say the word penis though. That was hideously amusing.
Taggart: I was just thinking about baseball and stuff and the design just got bigger
Dan: Football makes you horny?
Taggart is showing Kelly and Dan his drawings, I want to go over and look but I like blogging. It’s like TV, it’s a comfortable buffer between me and reality.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 29, 2003 – 8:54 pm
- Author:
- By A.
> Rammstein – B�ck Dich
> Placebo – Scared of Girls
> Marilyn Manson – King Kill 33�
I’ve been looking up Rammstein lyric translations (their songs are all in German) and OMG they are so disturbing, “B�ck Dich” means “bend down,” the song is about anal sex. One of my other favorites, “Tier” (animal/beast) is about a father who rapes his daughter. Gosh, I wonder if I would listen to these songs if I could speak German. They have such great beats though! Hmm. I thought Zwitter was bad–it’s German for hermaphrodite, I found out last year that Zwitter was about a hermaphrodite that had sex with itself all the time. And the song is sung in first person. I like Rammstein, they’re so–cool. Oh, last night Taggart told me that he wouldn’t have to have a girl on the side if I lived down here. That makes him much more moral. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to “save myself” for him if I lived in Crescent City. Today I’m supposed to go with him and one of his friends somewhere, I’m nervous–I’m scared to meet his friends and have them judge me. I should finish the panels on my suit jacket. Hmm, I don’t know if I blogged about this–on one of Kelly’s Manson posters the band members are wearing these jackets with this military-looking things on the shoulders in duct tape, so I went out and got some duct tape and put them on one arm of my suit jacket. They look cool. I’m a bit stressed about what to wear–I judge people based on what they wear and I know everyone else does too. I should just play it cool though, I’m going very low-glam–my bondage pants with the ersatz vinyl straps, my nine inch nails shirt, my spiked bondage collar, and normal eyeliner and eyeshadow, perhaps lip gloss if I really get inspired to do something with my hair. I don’t know whether to wear my collar–I’m going to take it off and go put on my makeup.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 29, 2003 – 4:08 pm
- Author:
- By A.
> Nine Inch Nails – Closer
> Pi is playing muted on the TV
> Eurythmics – Sweet Dreams
> Marilyn Manson – The Last Day On Earth
> Hocicio – Odio En El Alma [hatred in the soul]
As I sit here, the past and future seem like distant memories. I am so deeply in love with Taggart. Last night after we finished Mulholland Drive we pulled out the couch and forced Kelly into her room with our kissing that sounded like something else entirely. When Kelly came out of the bathroom me and Taggart did this porn star pose, it was so funny, especially when she said that she didn’t have her contacts in. Taggart wears glasses too, he was wearing them that night. They’re kind of like mine, but he can see without them. They made him look so cute. Well anyway, after Kelly went to bed we fooled around a bit. Taggart wasn’t wearing a shirt so after a while I took off mine (a quantum leap in intimacy for me). His skin felt so soft. After a while he asked me if I’d ever performed a certain sex act. I felt so repsonsible as I explained that we would have to use a condom. We didn’t find any though, the box was empty. We went back to bed and held each other for a while, we decided to postpone it. Then he asked me if I wanted to take a shower with him. I was reluctant because I’d never been naked with anyone in my life, but it just felt right. It was the most intimate I’d ever been with anyone. He is so beautiful. Afterwards, we held each other for what must have been hours, having the most intimate conversation I’d ever had with anyone. I love him so much, and this time I feel like I’m writing the script. This isn’t my normal cycle, this is something new, something beautiful, a new bud, a new emotional evolution. We talked about the first time we saw each other a year and a half ago and how we felt an attraction even then. I just–can’t put into words how I felt. I just feel completely safe with him, I could tell him anything. God–I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. I’ve never loved anyone more, and I’ve only really been with him for a week, if that. He is an actor (he really is, he acts in his school’s plays), but–I mean, you can’t fake something this deep. It isn’t about sex or all we would do would be having sex. I mean, we didn’t even have sex last night but it was the most intense experience I’ve ever had, and from what he said he felt the exact same way. As this intense devotion becomes more and more all-encompassing so does the fear that it will all end and I will be more depressed than I’ve ever felt. I suppose that I should start believing in Tennyson. It is better to have loved and lost. I’ve never loved before, I think that’s why I never believed it. Now that I have, I would give anything, endure anything, to experience it. I am filled with so much hope and so much fear, but I will walk ahead, even if I do it blindly. All I know is that I love him.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 29, 2003 – 3:44 pm
- Author:
- By A.
>Watching Mulholland Drive
I washed my clothes and got dressed amazingly, my punk pants and bondage boots. I looked so great. Nothing much happened today, we sat around and watched movies. Taggart has been so affectionate lately, it’s either a quantum leap in acting or the most meaninful relationship I’ve ever had. Taggart ended up going to work, and Kathy and I went to Tower. They didn’t have The Doom Generation, Pi, Requiem For A Dream or The City Of Lost Children. We saw my cousin Michael at Tower (he works there). We then went over to Tower Books and I bought Kathy Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. Kathy really liked it, I wonder if she’s started reading it yet. We then went to Best Buy (Dan gave me a gift card) and they had a great selection of DVDs. I got Pi and Requiem For A Dream. I’d been wanting Pi for a long time, I’m so glad I have it now. Kathy and I got back, and Kelly and I finished watching American Beauty. We started watching Pi when Taggart got back from work. He’d been wanting to see it for a long time (uber-bonus good movie taste points for me), so I started it over. We cuddled on the sofa while we watched it. He kind of started with the libido thing, but I hadn’t seen Pi in like a year so I was all “come on, the movie.” He liked Pi, and someone mentioned that it was by the same director as Requiem For A Dream, which Taggart said he hadn’t seen. Me and Kelly were all “you’re watching it right now.” We watched it cuddled in each others’ arms on the couch, just like I’d wanted to do with someone for so long. It was so right. I ended up crying in the end and he held me. I felt–loved. Taggart’s mom called and said that he won’t be able to come back until like the 21st. We’ll have a lot of undivided time, I’m reserving judgement on how that will affect everything. So far it’s brought us closer than I’ve ever been to someone. Well, unless it’s all an act. I have to keep thinking about that out so I don’t get hurt again. But I don’t think I will. It’s kind of cool, Kelly, Taggart, and I are all journaling. Well, Taggart is drawing, but it’s still journaling in a way. I need to take my contacts out. I can’t remember if I wore them during the daytime.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 29, 2003 – 1:39 am
- Author:
- By A.
Marilyn Manson – Disposable Teens
Blasted “The Fight Song” and got my clothes sorted into piles–clean, dirty, and possible oufits for today. Kathy is taking a shower though so I can’t take a shower or get the laundry soap that’s in the bathroom. So I’m stuck here in unfashionable clothing. If we go to the mall I’m going to get cool pajamas. I’m in my PJs more than I am in my normal clothes anyway.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 28, 2003 – 12:35 pm
- Author:
- By A.
Marilyn Manson – The Love Song
Marilyn Manson – The Fight Song
Still watching Tenacious D, I think I’m going to take a shower. I’m a bit sick of Jack Black. But then again I was sick of Jack Black even before I started watching this DVD. I feel like getting dressed up, but like–I’d have to wash clothes. Maybe I’ll wear my pinstripe pants. Hmm. I’ll have to experiment. Actually I think I’m going to wash clothes before any of this, I’m out of undergarments. I do have four hours until we go to Tower. Hmm. Deja vu. They’re watching Tenacious D while I blog. Perhaps I’m right, nothing ever changes. I wish my hair was twice as long. I’m loving my hair the longer it gets. I should get off my ass and wash my clothes.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 28, 2003 – 12:22 pm
- Author:
- By A.
Last night was fun. Kelly went to bed, and me and Taggart pulled out the couch and pleasured each other while watching Blade Runner. It was really nice, we could communicate and everything. We slept together all cuddled together, it was cool. We woke up together too, it was so gravy. We refueled on caffiene, and now we’re watching Kelly’s Tenacious D DVD. I’m inured to it now. Taggart is drawing on a Jimboys bag. Last night was so endearing, I hope it was real.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 28, 2003 – 11:12 am
- Author:
- By A.
Nope, Tara, never heard of a Kelly Gibson–but if you’re looking for books to read, here’s a good list.
Kurt Vonnegut – Slaughterhouse-Five
Shirley Jackson – The Haunting of Hill House
Hubert Selby, Jr. – Requiem For A Dream
Ayn Rand – Atlas Shrugged
Adolf Hitler – Mein Kampf
Philip K. Dick – Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep
J.G. Ballard – Super-Cannes
Jacqueline Susann – Valley of The Dolls
William S. Burroughs – Naked Lunch
Patricia Highsmith – The Talented Mr. Ripley
You should be able to find at least one of these. Good luck and see you Spring Semester.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 28, 2003 – 2:37 am
- Author:
- By A.