> Marilyn Manson – The Fight Song “I’m not a slave / to a god / that doesn’t exist / I’m not a slave / to a world / that doesn’t give a shit”
> Marilyn Manson – Disposable Teens “you said you wanted evolution / the ape was a great big hit / you say you want a revolution / and I say that you’re full of shit”
> Marilyn Manson – The Nobodies
> Marilyn Manson – The Death Song
> Marilyn Manson – Lamb Of God “If you die when there’s no one watching / and your ratings drop and you’re forgotten / you’re a martyr and a lamb of god”
I love The Fight Song. I want to mosh to that song so badly. Taggart is over, him and Kelly are watching Kelly’s Tenacious D DVD. I don’t like Tenacious D or Jack Black. Eh, Kelly doesn’t like Placebo. We all have preferences. Taggart seems uninterested today. I don’t know what’s going on. I really don’t care. All I know is that I love this song. Jon was begging me to come down on the 20th. He thinks I’m like, dying for his affection or something. Fuck him. He can die. We watched Dark City, I don’t know if they liked it. I like it. It’s like two in the morning, I’m so tired. I’ve been steadily drinking Diet Coke to get back on my nocturnal schedule. Jared hasn’t been here for a while, I don’t know what’s going on. It’s like, different when he’s not here. But at least I can use the computer whenever I want to. I wonder what they think I’m blogging about. I doubt they care. I tried three times today to write a reply to Molly, the words just aren’t coming. I want to have the uber-discussion about the loops between TV and reality, blog-reader and blogger. I had this great experience with the video camera Devon brought over. We were really bored but when we filmed ourselves and saw ourselves on the television we were like, amused or something. It was like reality magnified. Us watching ourselves watching ourselves watching ourselves. Creepy shit yo. Kelly and I watched Requiem For A Dream today, it was so not as depressing as I would have thought. I think I’m becoming numb. It’s good. I think they think I’m sulking, which is probably true. Well, I’m not going to sit through a band I don’t like. I’m tired. If I really wanted to sulk I’d crash in Kelly’s room. But I’m not like that. I wonder what Taggart is thinking. I wonder what Kelly is thinking. I wonder what Daniela is thinking, I wonder what my mom is thinking about. I wonder what my dad is thinking, what my cousin Alexis is thinking, and most of all what Trent Reznor is thinking. Perhaps I am sulking. I’m tired and irritable. I have my sulky face on no matter how I try to get rid of it. I wanted to watch another movie. And fucking Kelly and Devin were using the TV all night the night before last, when Dan had loaned me And All That Could Have Been. Fuck. I guess it’s because I’m submissive. Kelly said we’d just watch Tenacious D for a little while, but we’ll probably end up watching the whole concert. For all my longing to be right here, in the company of Kelly and Taggart, most of all Taggart, all I can do is fucking sit here and fucking sulk. Fuck me. I’m pathetic. Wherever I am I want to be somewhere else. I wonder if Taggart likes Tenacious D. That would make me like, not like him as much. I’m so judgemental, I love it. It’s so me. Hmm. Can’t think of anything to write. Um, my contacts hurt. I’ve been wearing them all day. I should take them out, but I might end up doing something. I am such a fucking dreamer, I’m thinking that Taggart is going to be all physical with me. Fuck that. I think the only time we’ve touched is when we were kind of stroking each others’ feet on the couch. Fuck me. Fuck Tenacious D. Fuck the world. Fuck Marilyn Manson. Fuck Trent Reznor. Maybe I’ll feel better in the morning. Kathy and I are supposed to go to Tower. Must buy things to make myself feel better. I should buy a big gothic stuffed animal to love. I can’t carry Munkee with me any more. I need someone to love me unconditionally. I haven’t ever told anyone this, but during high school when I felt lonely I would drag out my big stuffed moose Kathy made me when I was a kid, and cuddle with it pretending it was the lover I would never have. God that’s fucking depressing. I want a big black stuffed snake, scorpion, or bat to carry around all the time. Something inexorably evil. Scorpion, cuz I’m a scorpio. Hmm. I think I’m going to go be sociable and return to the recliner. Hasta.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 28, 2003 – 2:11 am
- Author:
- By A.
> Orgy – 107
> Orgy – Eyes-Radio-Lies
I fucking love 107. I want to be dismembered to that song. Anyway, my dad and I went car shopping yesterday, and I got one, a ’97 Mercury Mystique. It’s like a Ford Taurus. It was like $4,000. Right. He won’t take me to the fucking doctor, but he’ll buy me a car? I’m not complaining though. I went with the Antichrist when she drove it back to her house, and she was so nice to me, we talked for a while and she was all complimenting me left and right. I got to drive my car (I love how that sounds) around for a while, and then I ended up going to sleep on the Antichrist’s couch. I slept there for like, hours and hours. My dad left in the morning, he towed my car up to Crescent City. I hung out at the Antichrist’s all day (to my dismay). I kept trying to get ahold of Kelly and Kathy but they were chronically gone. I’m so never leaving again. Taggart came over to Kelly’s when I was still at Grammie’s (the Antichrist). It so sucked. I finally got ahold of Kelly and he talked to me. He was all “I wish we would have gotten to see each other.” I’m beginning to move closer to Zen. During the Justin + junior year era, I would have taken that as “I wish I could have laid in your arms all day and gazed into each others’ eyes as we meditated on our intense passion for each other.” But now, I hear “I wish we could have fucked today.” Which is cool. Kathy talked with me about safe sex, and I am completely convinced that the next time I see him I’m going to talk with him about it. But, of course I know that I’m not going to think twice about it once we start touching each other. I know myself too well. Live fast die young. I went with Kathy to get groceries and ended up spending my bus ticket money. Well, not all of it, but enough so that I can’t get a bus ticket any more. I’m trying to sweet-talk my friend Jon in Arcata to see if I can stay with him for a while and have him drive me the rest of the way. I’m going to see how much I’ll save if I only go to Arcata. And my dad could concievably pick me up in Arcata too. Sweet! A one-way to Arcata is only $41! Fucking hella-sweet. All I gotta do is blow Jon and I’ll have him under my thumb. Well, not really, but it sounds so–made-for-TV movie. So risque. Perhaps I should add something about us scoring some crystal. I need some excitement. I hope Taggart comes over tomorrow so we can fuck. I haven’t been jerking off at all, like for days. I would say it’s because I can get the real thing, but studies have shown that married couples still masturbate. Hmm. I need more time to contemplate this. I was really tempted last night, I kept picturing him touching me and kissing me, like a lurid peep show inside my head that I couldn’t stop. But I just listened to music. I’m becoming obsessed with “The Love Song” by Manson.
I got a crush on a pretty pistol
Should I tell [him] that I feel this way
Father told us to be faithful
I got a crush on a pretty pistol
Should I tell [him] that I feel this way
I got love songs killing us away
[He] tells me I’m a pretty bullet
I’m gonna be a star someday
Mother says that we should look away
[He] tells me I’m a pretty bullet
An Imitation Christ
I’ve got love songs in my head
That are killing us away
Anyway, Taggart is a pretty pistol. He’s coming over. He just called. He got kicked out of his house (surprise surprise). I should finish this post, we’re watching Dark City.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 27, 2003 – 11:52 pm
- Author:
- By A.
I just want to say that I miss Daniela, Selena, and Amy. And I miss the hair guy (Nate). I don’t miss my mother, my father, either of my grandpas, Marian, the Antichrist, uncle Jim, or uncle Pat. I’m kind of reserved about Gail, Gary, and Alexis. Gail and Gary are yuppie hypocrites, and Alexis is being molded into a not cool person by them. She’s–she must be two by now, I think. I should get her a present but I don’t know what she likes any more. I haven’t seen her since the summer. I kind of miss Charley, but only because Taggart hasn’t in my mind become my official fuck buddy. I just pictured Taggart knocking at the door and me answering. I have this theory that everybody writes scripts in their head, that everyone spends at least some time of their day simulating hypothetical conversations with people they know (or don’t know). Kind of like writing a script in your brain to see where it will go, picturing people saying things to see if they would say them. Anyway, I just had one of those flashes.
Me: Hey
Taggart: What’s up
Me: Not much (kiss), what did you do in SF
Taggart: whatever crap he did
Me: I missed you
Taggart: silence or a weird look
Me: I’ll let you guess exactly what part of you I missed the most (kiss)
(we wander into the bathroom and have sex)
(if this was my fantasy, we would wander to the sofa and hold each other while we watched insanely depressing movies)
Not exactly a good script, but it seems kind of plausible. The kisses are the most unlikely. When he comes over he never like, comes over to me, not even a hug. But that’s not his fault. I think we’re on that level now, I would kiss him hello. Whoa, when I wrote the word kiss in that last sentence I unintentionally wrote the word kill instead first. Maybe it was a Freudian slip. It’s funny that kill is only two letters from kiss. Weird. I think Kelly and Devin are asleep, someone’s snoring. I should get some sleep too. Shit! I only have three hours to sleep before my dad shows up.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 26, 2003 – 5:33 am
- Author:
- By A.
>Watching The Doom Generation
Quotes from the movie:
“Eat my fuck.” –Amy
Um, tomorrow at nine my dad’s going to pick me up to go car-shopping again. I really don’t want to go, and I don’t think he does either, but we have to keep up appearances. After that Kathy and I are supposed to go to Tower to get presents, and then maybe Sears so she can show me these cool boots (I need ankle-high boots). It should be fun. Taggart’s going to be in San Fransisco tomorrow, I don’t know why. Maybe he told me, I don’t remember. He could be going there to pick up Chilean prostitutes, it wouldn’t change the event’s significance. Or, to be more precise, insignificance. Eh, fuck him and his overactive libido. And yes, literally. I copied all of Kelly and Devin’s CDs that I wanted to, my second CD case is like almost full. I doubt they care though. It’s not like I’m scratching them up or anything. And Kelly burned a bunch of mixes from my mp3 backups. God, I really wish I would have seen Taggart today, I have no privacy in this house and I am in need of–relief. Perhaps our libidos really are equal after all, I mean if I was bisexal I’d try to get all the vagina and penis I could. Actually I’d probably go out with a girl. Hmm. I’m picturing the stereotype of the romantic, emotionally needy girl. I’ve never met a single girl like that. So I think I’d be in the exact same boat. I e-mailed Mindy. I hope we can hang out. It would be so cool/weird to see her after all these years. Hmm. Shit, it’s 5:30 and my dad is supposed to pick me up in three and a half hours. Shit. I must get to sleep.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 26, 2003 – 5:13 am
- Author:
- By A.
Kelly, Devin and I were so bored that we made this short film thing about jesus wanting to be a rock star and crucifying him, it was so funny. It’s four something in the morning and we’re about to watch The Doom Generation. I have to get up in four hours.
Great lines from movies:
“I have to go return some videos.” –American Psycho
” [do it] if you want to keep your spleen.” –American Psycho
“Who pissed in your fruit loops?” — The Doom Generation
“If bullshit were music, you’d be a big brass band.” –The Doom Generation
“Look, you fuckin’ chunky pumpkinhead, wake up and smell the cappucino! I don’t know you, I’ve never fuckin’ seen you before, and I don’t know who the fuck this ‘sunshine’ is.” –The Doom Generation
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 26, 2003 – 4:47 am
- Author:
- By A.
> Orgy
I just want to write down a word that popped into my head today, sacrosanct. And inviolable. Inviolate. I like sacrosanct. It sounds very vogue. Taggart is not sacrosanct, his relationships never even allude to inviolate love, if even allusion to love in the context of Taggart’s relationships was scrupulous. Wow, I like that sentence. I wish I could write like that all the time. I mean, I could, but nobody would ever understand me. Hmm.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 25, 2003 – 11:10 pm
- Author:
- By A.
> Orgy
I can’t wait to watch And All That Could Have Been. I want to masturbate to the “ish”video. I fucking love that song/video. There’s not much else to talk about. I guess I want my relationship with Taggart to be much more open. If he wants to have sex I want him to just say so, instead of like, cuddling with me on the couch ONLY when he wants to have an orgasm. Fuck that. I think I’m going to kiss him hello next time I see him and see what he does. If he’s only intimate with me when he wants to fuck, I can’t deal with that. I think I’d still fuck him (I can bet on my complete lack of self-control), but it would be so different. I mean, he’s really hot, but like–I don’t know. I just want to be able to touch him when I want, and to kiss him when I want. If he only wants the relationship to be about sex, I don’t think we should kiss or touch each other at all outside of a sexal context, because it’s like putting on a charade that it’s a real relationship when it’s really sex. I want a real relationship. And I need to take out my contacts. Now.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 25, 2003 – 10:55 pm
- Author:
- By A.
> Orgy – Suckerface
> Orgy – Fiend [fucking glorious]
> Orgy – Re-Creation “and we make this new religion / to escape what we’ve become”
Um..lots of stuff happened. I haven’t blogged since like, yesterday. Um, nothing Taggart- related has happened. Molly is advising me to be confident. And that is so what I should be doing, instead of needily wanting and craving more and more affection. The more I think about Jon the more I realize that a possible relationship with him would be just some kind of a crutch from loneliness. We’d just be all depressed and bitter all the time. I need to feel happy by myself, I can’t just live vicariously through some guy. I don’t want to be an emotional casette. I don’t want the script to already be written. I want to be independent. I FUCKING LOVE ORGY. I just had to get that out of my system. I could masturbate to their songs. They express everything I want to say. And Jay Gordon is a god. Jay Gordon and Brian Molko of Placebo. OH MY FUCKING GOD Placebo played IN SAN FRANSISCO LIKE THREE DAYS AGO!!!!!! I have loved Placebo for years, and they usually only tour in Europe. I was like FUCK! when I read that the concert was going to happen in like seven hours. It so sucked. But anyway, we went to the Antichrist’s today for x-mas. I got a black sweater that doesn’t fit right and a black like, long-sleeve shirt that two of me could fit into. But the Antichrist also gave me $50, and my dad cashed my check for $25. So I have enough money to stay here for the break, and even a bus ticket back if I really need it. So I’m happy. But Taggart couldn’t come over today, we stayed at the Antichrist’s too long. It was fun there, it wasn’t as I had been dreading. Cole (Kathy’s boyfriend) and his daughter came over, his daughter is cool, she’s like cleaning up the kitchen right now. She is really funny, I like her. I think I’m going to go in there and help her after I finish posting. Oh, this morning Dan came over, I was so tired and in another world. It was trippy. They woke me up and made me open my presents, Dan got me a torch! It was so cool, and like a gift certificate. He’s so giving. My cousin Michael is here, we’re watching a movie. I’m not really in a movie-watching mood. It looks good. Anything with subtitles is good. Well, so far in my life. I really need to e-mail Molly back, I’ve been so busy with Taggart and Christmas and everything is so hectic, I can barely blog. Hmm. Dan says Taggart is–well, I can’t put this delicately–horny as fuck. I don’t mind, of course. I mean, sex is fun, always will be. I’m not an anti-sex Nazi. Lacey, Devin, and their mom just got here. And here I sit blogging about sex and listening to music. I’m so ignoring reality. I really don’t want to think about Taggart. I don’t want to think about Jon either. I’m talking to him and he’s depressed that I’m not going to come stay with him. I love Jon’s stupidity and his closed-mindedness. He stands out as a shining example of what not to be. Our ersatz relationship taught me some things, one of them being that he’s exactly the needy insecure person I am now going to steel myself not to be. I think that I’m going to try to have the conversation that I want to have with him next time we see each other (currently that’s synonymous with have sex). I asked him if all he wanted was sex and he said no, but then like ten minutes later he was IMing Jared about some hot chick he wanted to fuck. FUCK THAT. I thought I was cool with it but I’m not. If he can’t like, talk to me about his female fuck buddies–that’s fucked up. And if he does it’s even more fucked up. We’re either fuck buddies or–I don’t know. Am I the fuck buddy or am I the boyfriend that he’s cheating on. I don’t fucking know. I’m blasting Orgy to get all this shit out of my head. I got Mindy’s phone number off an e-mail today, I’m going to call her and see if she can come and visit me, she lives in Davis (really close to Sacramento). I didn’t want to see her forever but now I really need her. If I meet her and we have nothing to talk about or she brings Garret (which will probably be inevitable), I’ll know the Mindy era is over. I really love Mindy, or at least the person she used to be. I hope everything is cool. Shoot, I should call soon, it’s almot eleven. OMFG Dan lent me And All That Could Have Been, the Nine Inch Nails live DVD. I LOVE Nine Inch Nails. It’s perfect music for my every love-induced mood. I’m going to post this and start another because this is just getting way too long and if the computer crashes I’ll lose this precious post forever.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 25, 2003 – 10:42 pm
- Author:
- By A.
> Rammstein – Links 2 3 4
I have such a fucking headache. It’s all the secondhand smoke. I mean, I got my secondhand smoke fix but Kathy (my aunt)’s smoke kept getting in my way. And she smokes Marlboros–I can’t stand the smell of them. I keep smelling my hands to bring back memories of Taggart cuz they still smell like Camels. My conversation with Taggart just grinded to a halt. We really don’t have much to talk about. He just wants sex. I mean, I don’t really have any problem with that, but I wish he would just tell me. I don’t know what he wants, I don’t know what to expect. Shit, Kathy is home. We have to go to the Antichrist’s. Hmm. Must e-mail Molly back when I get home, I wrote four sentences of a very promising reply when Taggart signed on.
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 24, 2003 – 11:16 pm
- Author:
- By A.
Lyrics for “Human” by Elastica
I was only human
Of flesh and blood
I would relate to you
You know I could
I long to hold you
Just like you do
Ten times I’ve thought about it
The things you do
And so you see that
It’s such a shame
It’s just the way it goes
There is no pain
I long to hold you
Do what you would
Do dancing like you want to
You know I could
Categories: Uncategorized
- Published:
- December 24, 2003 – 11:02 pm
- Author:
- By A.