the diary of antoine roquentin

I walked towards the uniform store, where I met Michelle (Non-evil Stephanie’s sister) and we talked for a while. On the way to the end of the street, I saw Tawna, she’s getting her tattoo done today, I’m going to meet her at four. It’s 3:21 now. My dad leaves work at 3:30–but I’m going to stay in town, if all else fails I can call him and ask for a ride home. He hasn’t had to pick me up at 9:00 all week so it would be the least he could do. The original plan was to go to Gas 4 Less, get cigarettes, and then go back to my dad’s truck and wait for him to get off work. However, after seeing Tawna, I have to go with her to get her tattoo for moral support. Well, I went to the uniform store and got a black t-shirt with nihilist printed on it in white collegiate-style lettering. It’s going to be cool if they put it on the right part of the shirt. I should have been more specific. I said the middle, I hope they don’t just put it in the middle of the shirt, that would be so lame. Eh, damn my lack of verbal skills. I guess I’ll have to trust her to know where I want it–probably a bad idea. I mean, where else do words go on shirts except for in the middle towards the top? Anyway, if it comes out good that shirt will be my new religion. I told her the word and she was all “how do you spell that? n-y-l” I was all, “no, here, let me write it.” It kind of made me laugh, but not really. It turns out she works with Daniela at the scrapbook store, and she’s in my photography class. Gosh, I so don’t remember normal people. I never remember faces, only clothes. Weird. I’d rather go out with a facially homely guy that dressed to kill than a facially gorgeous guy that dressed like a hobo. Well anyway, I kind of talked with her a bit and then I walked back to the college. Dan (the college admissions guy) wasn’t there, so I waited for a bit and then decided to find Tawna. Her class is in room 29, the big one, so I couldn’t see her in it but it’s the only class that’s going, so it must be hers. I went and sat in the little courtyard thing in front of the college for a while, looking at the high schoolers. Their “alternative” crowd is just the same as when I was there. The token punk (the replacement for Will) all the orbiting fat kids that dress in black and Converse. It’s pathetic. The world has sold out. I drew on my Etch-A-Sketch keychain for a while, then I decided to check out the scene at the smoke box–it was empty. No one. I swear, since they took the windows out of it and somebody stole the bench nobody hangs out there any more. So I got depressed and said to myself “Well, I’ll just go into the Drift Office and kill myself.” So here I am, typing an entry, feeling bad for not having a ride back home, and waiting ambivalently for 4:00 to go with Tawna to get her tattoo. I might get one too if I feel inspired, if they have a good design I like. I’m going to get the 666 on my inner thigh I think. And if they are cheap I might have Royce pierce me. I hope he’s there. That will be fun if he is. I LOVE this mascara that Christine recommended. It’s so my new religion. It sucks that I didn’t bring my wrist brace today–my wrist is kind of acting up. I hear laughing, maybe Tawna’s class is over. Nope–a droning voice–must be the teacher. I really hope I got into that biology. I want to go check but Dan is gone. I swear, these people get off on leaving their posts. Whoa, a loud voice from Tawna’s class–strange. Maybe it’s from the distance learning room, it’s on the other side of one of the walls. Hmm. I really hope my nihilist shirt comes out good. I think I’m going to go back and just get a bunch of plain black t-shirts. I’m sick of wearing all my ones with clever sayings under my collar shirt. I get to pick up my nihilist shirt tomorrow. And my film, I think. I need to ask Lisa when film generally gets done. Is it like a week? I dunno. Gosh, my hair is so long. I love it. To combat my continuing hair loss, Jordan has me conditioning my hair before and after I wash it. I’m kind of worried that Rite-Aid will call the police about those photos. It looks like blood, but it’s really red paint. I took a picture of the thing of red paint to appease them. That would be kind of funny if I got arrested. Depressing and stressful, but funny. Well, it’s 3:40. I should see if Tawna’s class is over yet. Oh, it’s empty. I’m going to track her down.

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I was walking by the drift meeting place yesterday and I went in–afterwards Molly and I talked for a few hours, it was fun. After I met Danielle in the library, we had an okay talk–we were back to normal. We went out to the little courtyard thing in front of the college to talk, Jordan was supposed to show up around that time. He did, and I introduced them. We were kind of bored, so I was all “let’s go to kidtown!” so she went over to her house and got Christine and we went. While Danielle was over at her house, Jordan told me how he was going to have a talk with Brian that night at seven and tell Brian that he just wanted to be friends. Danielle and Christine got back, I introduced them, and Jordan drove us to KidTown, we had lots of fun, Jordan liked them. He said last night that he’s liked all my friends he’s met so far. Well, after that we went to Wal-Mart for me to get a tape deck, but they convinced me to just save up and get a good CD player. We ambled around the store and I picked up some stuff:

2 pkg. black socks
suspenders (my pants had been falling down all night)
multicolored uni-ball pens (I only get them for the green one)
a box of chocolate for Danielle–she’d been eyeing it
a butter dish for my dad (he puts the butter in the cabinet every night so the rats don’t eat it)
mascara that Christine recommended (it actually is really good mascara)

We didn’t have any idea what time it was, but there was a clock at Wal-Mart that said that I was like 40 minutes late for photography, and twenty minutes until he had to meet Brian, so we all piled into the car again and went back to the college. I kissed Jordan goodbye and we parted ways. It was a bit embarrassing to walk into photography so late, but it was okay. I wrote out my order for the photography supplies (she talked about it the first class) and gave it to her and watched this video for an hour or so. I can’t wait to get started taking pictures. Here’s my order (I really like lists, can ya tell?)

3 rolls 100 speed film
3 rolls 200 speed film
3 rolls 400 speed film
100 sheets photo paper
negative sleeves
print sleeves

All I need now is a binder to put it all in. And a camera bag. She said we’d need that much of all the paper and such. After the class was over, I saw Daniela over on the patio, and we talked for a bit until this FREAKING CRAZY GUY came over and talked at us for about twenty minutes–Jordan walked up in the middle of it while the guy was going off about being raped as a boy by his parents and secret satellite databases where children are sold to police as sex slaves by the FBI monitoring bisexual tendencies–it was SO fucking scary, so stressful I had to pretend to smoke a cigarette. I was so relieved when Jordan walked up, but I was all “crap, I can’t leave Daniela with this psychopathic weirdo.” We all ended up walking arm in arm away from him, Jordan had his arm around Daniela and they were talking and I was all “oh, you know each other” and they were all “no.” It’s funny how INSANELY stressful situations will make people into instant friends. At Daniela’s car they were talking and they were really hitting it off, Jordan is an Eagle Scout and Daniela worked at boy scout camp, so they liked each other–and of course it’s impossible not to like Daniela’s personality. We said goodbye to her and went to his car, when we were driving to Kevin’s house (a stop-off before my house on the way home) he told me about his talk with Brian–I’d been feeling really bad for Brian, but he said Brian took it a lot better than he thought. I felt good that I didn’t inadvertenly hurt Brian. We went to Kevin’s and Ben was over, I love Ben! In a completely non-prison movie way. He has this amazing fashion sense, and I think he’s the only black kid in the entire high school. Jordan and I kidnapped them and made them go over to Michael’s house. Actually, this requires some explanation: Michael is this person that is SO pathetic. He’s pretty much a pre-operative transsexual who thinks everyone is gay and everyone is “checking him out.” Pathetic. He could almost make KATIE (Sacramento Katie) seem less pathetic. Yeah, he’s that bad. Well anyway, Kevin was all “NO” because he hates Michael, but Jordan and Ben hadn’t ever met him. We called him on Ben’s cell phone, but he was asleep. We ended up driving somewhere–I think to Royce’s house, but he wasn’t home. I think we went to Florence Keller park but didn’t want to get out of the car. Oh no, after Michael’s I made them go to Wal-Mart so I could get an Etch-A-Sketch. It’s the funnest thing ever. I have an Etch-A-Sketch keychain and I’d been playing with it so I wanted a real one. It’s really fun. But anyway, we got bored so we went back to Kevin’s and hung out and talked for a while–Kevin was being petulant and in a bad mood. It’s really sad–Kevin wants to have sex with me, Ben, and Jordan but can’t get any of us. I kind of pity him. If only he would lose weight–he doesn’t take care of himself. See, he’s lazy and that’s why he’s fat. But I’m even lazier and that’s why I’m not fat. I’ve reached the plateau of laziness where I’m too lazy to eat. I have been so losing weight lately–I can’t even wear my pants without the suspenders now. Weird. It’s probably because in the morning I don’t feel like eating much and I’m at school all day with my lunch of an apple, and I’m at school until 9PM, so the only time I have to eat is like 11:30 when I get home from hanging out with Jordan. Well, after a while Jordan and I left Kevin’s–it was obvious that me and Jordan’s romance was making the others angry (we weren’t like making out or anything, but you know it’s the you’re in a relationship and I’m not so I’m going to be bitchy thing). Ben wasn’t being bitchy, but Kevin sure was. So we left–not really because of them, because it wasn’t too bad, but just because we were bored. We got to my house and he wanted me to do his makeup, but we couldn’t go in the house because of my dad, so we ended up just making out and eventually having an interesting (although freezing cold) milieu in the barn. I swear, that barn is like my brothel. I went up there today to find a condom that got lost in the dark and one of his shirts was up there, I found that hideously amusing. Well, we talked for a bit and he went home. I went into the kitchen and ravenously attacked a half a combination pizza I found in there, but after two slices I was full. There was a DEAD RAT in a trap on the counter, but I was too hungry to care. I had a few cookies and some soy milk but then I was full, brushed my teeth, and went to bed.

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> Nine Inch Nails – The Great Below
> Nine Inch Nails – A Warm Place
> Orbital – Meltdown
> Hocico – Odio En El Alma

Yesterday was really fun. I hung out during the day and put up those shear white curtain looking things I got at St. Vincent’s (thrift store) and put red paint all over them with my hands, they look so great, a bloody canopy hanging around my bed. I put red paint all over my sink and took some great pictures–well I think they’re great, I have yet to have them developed. I’m so into this photography thing. I will be very angry if those pictures don’t come out. I wish I could have focused it–the camera is all automatic and everything–but I guess I can’t complain, I didn’t have to buy it. If they come out, I’ll be happy. I finished the roll of film, and talked to my mom for a while, she called me. She gave me Aunt Anna’s address, so I wrote her a letter later that day. It was three pages in 12 point double-spaced. I think it might be too long, but she’ll enjoy getting a letter from me. I reall miss Aunt Anna, she’s like 80, I love talking to her. I had to censor my letter though–Jordan became Amy, and Taggart’s gender was changed. I mean, it doesn’t greatly change the meaning. And I don’t really want to disturb them. I should write Gail a letter too–but I haven’t gotten around to it. I don’t think I will any time soon. Well anyway, I went outside to mail it and Lisa was out feeding the horses, she gave us some chocolate chip cookies (my favorite!) and I asked her for the canister for the roll of film that was in the camera she lent me, and she said she’d bring it tomorrow (today). My dad cashed my financial aid check, so I can buy my books today. I’m going to go over to the bookstore right before it opens–they open at nine and my first class is at nine-thirty. I hope I can get that all taken care of. And I need to ask Dan whether I got into English 1B. And I need to find out when it meets, I think I missed the first two days. Crapness. It was my own laziness. I need to get my shit together today. Oh, I’m wearing my beautiful silver tie I got when Daniela and I were driving around Tuesday. It’s so cool. I’m going to have Jordan retie it when he stops by after five so it will be pristine for photography. Well, night before last Jordan came over and we had a milieu in the barn where he ended up losing his glasses in the hay, so last night he came over to get them and to hang out for a while. It was so embarrassing, I called him for the first time and I couldn’t remember his real name–I was all “can I speak to–” for like a minute and she was all “Joe?” and I’m all “yeah…” I could tell by her voice that she thought it was funny. He came over around six and I was cleaning my room and we kind of started the process of having sex and I was kind of taken aback–I was all “do we have to have sex every time you come over” and he understood–he said that we could not have sex for a while if I wanted and I told him that I didn’t mind having sex it was just that it would be nice to watch a movie or talk every once in a while. I lit some candles in my sanctum (my bed inside the canopy) and we cuddled and talked for a few hours, he told me what he’d done with his life after his 18th birthday, it turns out he was a Mormon missionary for two years. He was going to college but he came out and his dad kicked him out–it was an amazing story. I remember telling him a few stories though I can’t remember what they were. We had a great conversation, I feel really comfortable with him. He’d just learned how to do facial massages so he gave me one, it felt really good. Royce called (oh wait, this deserves some explanation. On Sunday Jordan, Kevin, Ben and I were driving around and we decided to go over to Royce’s and we hung out for a while and I gave Royce my number) Well anyway, Royce called and we talked for a bit, he was bored and wanted to do something. Jordan and I were going to get gas at nine (my dad said Jordan had to leave at nine) so we said we’d take him along. He later called and said that he’d made other plans beforehand and had forgotten about them, which was cool. At least he wanted to hang out. Well, at nine Jordan and I drove into town, talking about stuff. Oh, Kelly had been asking me some questions about him so I felt compelled to get to know him better. In regards to books, he said that he loves to read but couldn’t find anything good in the library here (surprise surprise) and he’d never read any of my kind of books so I lent him Brave New World and Fahrenheit 451. I was going to lend him Slaughterhouse-Five instead of Fahrenheit 451 but 451 instills a desire to read in anyone who reads it, so I thought it would be good. I mean, if he likes my tastes in books then he’ll eventually read Vonnegut extensively, so it doesn’t matter. I told him how I felt like I was in a cycle–just like with Andrew, the sex at first, the “maybe we should have so much sex” thing, the good conversations, and of course the loaning books thing. But this feels characteristically different from me and Andrew’s ersatz relationship. Hmm. Well anyway, we got into his car and went to Gas 4 Less, I asked him to be quiet so we could listen to “The Great Below,” and he liked it. I love that song. He told me that he was going to talk to Brian tomorrow and some other stuff. I gave him ten bucks for gas because I live in the middle of nowhere and it’s expensive to come out there. After that we went and walked on the beach–it was so weird it was all dark and windy and overcast and raining but it was still oddly refreshing. After that we went to Denny’s, I had a banana split and he had seasoned fries. We saw one of Brian’s friends there–which could be trouble in the making, but it was okay. He knows one of the guys that works there and the guy came over and talked to us. Apparently Jordan’s sister is refusing her drug tests and has quit NA, and has lost 30 pounds–so they’ve put two and two together *sniff*. I wonder what it’s like to have siblings. I wonder what it’s like to have people one cares about hooked on drugs. Hm. Oh, Starr called me yesterday and I talked with her for a while “you’re my only good friend” she said. If only she knew. I kind of pity her. I guess yesterday was the day of evil “friends,” Stephanie called and later showed up to get her stuff (it was actually really embarrassing, Jordan and I were having a moment on my front porch and they all came walking up. I don’t know if they caught on to what was going on, but Stephanie was really nice and said that I looked good. She gave me this bat earring that I’m wearing today. I gave her her stuff and we talked for a bit, I introduced her to Jordan–and she was all “we should go to club west.” Yeah right. Anyway, her and her boyfriend left and I kissed Jordan goodbye and went to bed. I was wearing my new hoops all yesterday but I took them out this morning because the bat earring didn’t go with the other hoop. I slept on them last night and they didn’t hurt too bad. When I was on the phone with Royce I was begging him to pierce me. I really want him to. I bet he’ll do it for free. I think he still likes me. It was so funny, when we were over there Ben and Jordan were all “god he is so hot!” and I was all “I had sex with him.” Jordan gave me this huge bag full of condoms last night–when he first met me he’s all “I’m a nymphomaniac” but I’m not quite sure. Hmm. Well, this morning I woke up and got dressed and got dropped off here. Jordan’s supposed to show up after five when he gets out of classes and we’re supposed to hang out until my photography class starts at 5:40. I like Diane so far, she seems cool. I have money today so I hope we do our group order today–well actually I might not have much money, depending on the cost of my books. It’s 8:30–the bookstore opens in half an hour. I’m going to go peek over at the smoke box and see if my crew has arrived yet. Nope, nobody. Hmm. I suppose I should migrate into the libary and pay that fee on that late book. And see if Tawna is around. And reply to Danielle.

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> Nine Inch Nails – Pilgrimage
> Marilyn Manson – Count To Six And Die (Infinite Vacuum Of Space Encompassing)

For some reason I think that pilgrimage has two ‘m’s in it. But it doesn’t. I need to write a huge post to explain all the stuff that’s been happening lately–I haven’t posted in like forever which is so weird for me. The reason I haven’t been posting is that the internet at my house is so slow that I end up losing posts, which really pisses me off. I have to try for like a half hour to post one thing. I think we’re going to switch to Earthlink. I wonder if it’s faster. My e-mail just loaded and I think it said I had one from Danielle–I wonder what this is going to be about. Hmm. I’m in the drift office at my school typing this–the library isn’t open yet. My damn e-mail isn’t opening–annoying. The window crashed. I hope it doesn’t drag this one down with it. Well, Jordan and I have been seeing each other every day and we’re really getting closer. He’s going to tell his ersatz significant other Brian that he’d rather just be friends today. I really feel bad for Brian, but he brought it on himself. He told Jordan that he couldn’t leave his house because of his dad, and then Jordan went over to one of Brian’s friends’ houses and Brian was there. So I think that it’s just bullshit. I really want to become friends with Brian, but I think he’ll be angry with me. Jordan isn’t going to tell him about us, but I think if I have any contact with Brian it’ll be obvious. I’m wearing this bat earring with a chain on it, Stephanie gave it to me last night. I’m going to post this and then find out why my stupid e-mail isn’t working–I don’t want to hit CTRL-ALT-DEL and end up killing this post.

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Oh, I haven’t been blogging in a while–I wrote an entry on my other computer in a text document but haven’t posted it. Well, long story short I hung out with Daniela on Sunday and went over to Kevin’s on Saturday and met this really great guy, I call him Jordan after Jordan Red from The Doom Generation. And due to reasons that will be explained later, I’m going to have to write about him under a pseudonym. He’s giving me a massage right now–NO not that kind of massage. You people. I swear. Oh, I wore my kilt today, to Molly’s delight. It was a glorious outfit, I dressed Jordan up and he wore my bondage collar and was my slave. I think Molly knew what was going on. I first saw him and I was all “gosh, why do all these cute bois have to have boyfriends” and like–five hours later we were having sex. He’s cool. I was going to stay the night at Kevin’s and we all climbed into bed and Jordan was all “do you like to be held” and I’m all “yes, actually.” It was so cute. I wonder what’s going to happen. Hmm. It’s probably going to be a long story. Well–I like him. Hmm. Well, I should probably go. I need to proofread my mom’s paper and do this thing for the Drift–I would explain but it would just be technical jargon. Oh, he loves NIN too! Which is so amazingly great. We hung out all day today. And all night yesterday. He just made me something to eat, it looks yummy. OMG OMG OMG OMG last night I got the idea to randomly call up Kelly and leave a message on her machine (a kind of inside joke from Requiem For A Dream) “Sara’s got juice! Sara’s got juice! Sara’s got juice! Go Sara!” She got such a kick out of it. I loved that I brightened her day. And random calls. So fun, she e-mailed me a bit after I left it–it was so cool! Well, I should go. Jordan awaits. Molly knows Jordan, I guess. He was in one of her classes. I’m so in lust with him.

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