> Garbage - #1 Crush
> Orgy - You Spin Me Right Round

I’m trying to not feel the emotions conveyed in #1 Crush. We’re watching King Of The Hill. I just had this apocalyptic talk with my dad–it was the longest conversation I’d ever had with him. More later about it. I almost called my mom afterwards. I can’t stand my parents. They don’t understand me and make no effort to. Fuck the world. Actually, fuck them. They were never there for me. My dad was vaguely understanding though. at least we have something in common, some kind of male understanding that transcends everything. Jared went home today. We’re watching TV for the first time since I’ve been here. The world is grinding back to reality. I wonder how I’m going to cope, and I wonder if I’m becoming a squatter. I think I’m going to take my stuff over to the Antichrist’s after a few more days. If I hear from Taggart, I’ll stay here–if I don’t, I’ll complete the migration to Grammie’s. She’ll be flattered. At least I’ll get some reading done. I’m halfway through Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? It’s good. I have to go return some video tapes.

Love Spit Love - How Soon Is Now? “You shut your mouth / How can you say / I go about things the wrong way / I am human and I need to be loved / Just like everybody else does”
> Nine Inch Nails - Closer
> Marilyn Manson - Slutgarden “when I said ‘we’ / you know I meant ‘me’ / and when I said ’sweet’ I meant ‘dirty’”

Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve listened to “How Soon Is Now.” I suppose I’m getting into the pattern of my downward spiral into ennui and malaise after a love-affair. He hasn’t called today either, I called and his sister said that he was gone and that he’d be back at like four, but by then I’d forgotten to call. I’m going to call at nine twenty perhaps, I think he gets off work at nine. Perhaps he’s trying to send me a message with this lack of contact. I know he could stop by if he wanted to. He only lives a few blocks away. Someone just knocked on the door, for a fleeting second of ecstacy I thought it was Taggart–it was Cole. Kelly is doing homework, she made me spaghetti. It was good. I’m blasting “Closer.” This song is GOD. I think Kathy and Cole are going somewhere. What a stupid cockmaster general; I wish he would just tell me if he doesn’t want to go out with me any more. He is passive-agressive, which I despise (although I am the same way). I wouldn’t be mad or anything if he told me he didn’t want to go out with me any more, it would just be the end. If the relationship isn’t working for him, we should end it. Nothing would change it if he was not into me any more. It’s not like I can force him to love me. I’m too rational for a breakup to incite me to hatrd and violence. How could I hate him? He would have just become a different person, one that didn’t love me any more. I would treasure my memories of when we were in love, of course, but I would just accept that it was no more. How could I hate him for being the person I fell in love with? The whole notion of hate perplexes me. The only way I would hate him would be if he yelled at me or something–but then again I would hate anyone who yelled at me. I can’t imagine doing anything to make him angry. Hmm. Only time will tell. I have to go return some video tapes.

Um…woke up. Taggart never called. Jared made South Park characters of me and Kelly. I just made one of Taggart. I’m really bored. I think I’m going to go read my book. I have to go return some video tapes.

Great Family Guy quote:

Boss: Are you sleeping?
Peter: No, I have a bug in my eye and I’m trying to suffocate it.

I have to go return some video tapes.

> Nine Inch Nails - Eraser [uber-amazing song]

Woke up, got ready, went to this lunch thing with Gramy and a bunch of her relatives. They’re from Tonapa or something like that. Taggart is from Tonapa. It’s like around Reno/Las Vegas. Somewhere around there. I couldn’t stand Grammie’s incessant banal jabberings. I’m so glad I had my CD player to drown one ear in Nine Inch Nails. Cole went too, but the Antichrist separated me from them. We went back to Grammie’s after the lunch, but they weren’t there–we then went back to the house to get some stuff we got for X-mas from Grammie to return. We went to Macy’s and after a while exchanged most of the stuff. I got this FUCKING AMAZING HAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT’S THE FIRST HAT EVER THAT MAKES ME LOOK GOOD!!! And I got this great black silk tie. I’m dressed up so beautifully. Taggart hasn’t called today, I called him at nine and his mom said he was at a party. Fuck him. “I need to do homework.” What the fuck. Asshole. If he doesn’t call me tomorrow there will be hell to pay. Not really, but it sounds good. I just want to show him my hat. And I’m kind of horny. I got all dressed up today to feel better. I look so pretty. I miss Taggart. I just want to talk to him for like five seconds, I haven’t seen him/talked to him in like days. I have to go return some video tapes.