I saw Taggart today after school. He’s so cute. We gave him a ride over and he hung out for a while. We ended up walking with Jared to his potential girlfriend’s house. I’ve started to pretend to smoke, you just light it and fill your mouth with smoke and blow it out, but it’s not really fun–smoking stimulates one’s salivary glands so I ended up spitting for like a half-hour afterwards. Lame. Taggart told me to call him at nine, so I did. The first person I got sounded strangely like his mom and said that I had the wrong number. I dialed again twice and nobody picked up. What a bitch. I could have sworn it was her. We watched 28 Days Later today, Dan got it for Kelly. It was okay, it had great cinematography but the plot sucked (as do all horror movie plots, so I suppose it actually was good). I woke up at like nine and hung out–read Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? for an hour or so, I’m almost done with it. I took a shower and got all dressed up, Dan stopped by to say hello. I listened to Manson’s “A Place In The Dirt” obsessively. That is such a glorious song. Jared hung out today after school, I loaned him one of my mix CDs. We had this intellectual talk, it was cool–about how as children we’re taught that the world is perfect and the more we read and such, the more we realize the world is more fucked up than we ever imagined. It was Cole’s birthday today (Kathy’s boyfriend). He brought over fried chicken and cake. That cake won’t last too long. I cleaned up the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher, it’s running now. I’ll finish cleaning the kitchen and I’ll possibly clean the refrigerator tomorrow. I am basically freeloading so it’s the least I can do. If I really feel ambitious I’ll clean the stereo alcove. Well, I don’t know what we’re doing tomorrow–Kelly’s going to school, I don’t know what Kathy is doing–probably hanging out with Cole. I heard them having the beginnings of an argument when I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, so at any minute I’m expecting one of them to storm out. But it probably won’t happen, they argue like that all the time. They both need to take a class in argumentative logic, it would help their relationship trememendously. I need to write Taggart an e-mail saying how I couldn’t get through. He said he missed me and that he went to his friend’s birthday party (I hadn’t told him about me calling and his mom saying he was at a party). Gosh he’s so cute. I’m going to make him bring me all of his Chuck Palahunuik books that I haven’t read yet, after I finish Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?. I’m going to devour them. I have to go return some video tapes.

I wrote another post earlier today but it got deleted somehow. Blogger has been having problems today. I hope this will post. I think I should explain why all my entries are ended with “I have to go return some video tapes.” It’s an inside joke between me and Kelly’s group of friends. We watched American Psycho a million times and in all these critical moments he goes “I have to return some video tapes” and leaves. So we’re kind of obsessed with that phrase. I’m going to try to post this and if it does I’m going to post something longer. I have to go return some video tapes.

> Marilyn Manson - Astonishing Panorama of the Endtimes
> Nine Inch Nails - Eraser
> Nine Inch Nails - The Great Below
> Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have

I’m all happy this morning, I hadn’t heard from Taggart in days so I sent him an e-mail last night and I got a reply from him this morning. I’m placated. I can’t ever be mad at that cute boi. I was staring at the mirror this morning brushing my teeth thinking “Hmm…if I don’t talk to him before all my hickeys go away, then it’s over.” I guess he really does love me too. He was practically living here for like a week, so the sudden change in the amount of time we see each other is still a bit of a shock. My cousin Kelly got her pictures back and there are some good ones of me and Taggart. I can’t wait to show everyone how cute he is. My cousin doesn’t have a scanner or I would have sent Molly one. I had this sort of apocalyptic talk with my dad last night, I told him how I wanted to stay here and how I’d fallen in love and didn’t want it to end. He explained how it would be better for me to go back to CC, become more self-sufficient (get my license, etc.) and then come here after spring semester. He was completely silent when I told him that I’d found someone. He’s such a shithead, just because I haven’t fallen in love with a girl it doesn’t mean anything to him. I don’t think he’s ever been in love in his whole life, I think that even if it was a girl he wouldn’t understand how I feel. He’s right about me having to go back, damn it. He was cool about it though, he said that I could do whatever I wanted because I was 18 but he thought it would be a better idea for me to come back. Damn rational people. Grr. But I mean, when I’m in Taggart’s arms–I feel like I would do ANYTHING to stay. Lie, cheat, steal, kill–anything. I’ve never felt like that before. I suppose I’m going to have to accept that I’m going to go back to CC, stay for spring semester, then move to Sac, and he’ll be with some floozie. And that will just break my heart worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. I just want to cry when I know that I’m going to have to leave. When I haven’t seen him in days I can almost convince myself that it’s a good idea to move back–but just one kiss and I would kill to prolong this. I’m so in love with him.

My dad was saying all this doublespeak last night about how he just wants the Antichrist (my grandma) to live out her life and not be sad or some shit. I’m going to go over there this week, explain the situation, and ask her if it would be possible for me to live there. I mean, all she can say is yes or no. For the rest of my life I’ll feel like I wasted this chance for bliss if I don’t ask her. So basically I’m very conflicted. But at least school has started here, so the wheels of the world are grinding away. Kelly is at school and Kathy is out doing errands, so I have time to listen to music, read, and contemplate existence.

Earlier in me and Taggart’s relationship, I had this fear that we would be just like the main character and his girlfriend in The Stranger. I mean, I’d wanted love for so long, but once I had it, it didn’t solve any of my problems and it didn’t make me happy all the time, like I had imagined it to in my grandiose Romeo & Juliet inspired dreams. One of my biggest fears is that love has no meaning–but the longer me and Taggart go out my fears seem to diminish. Love has some meaning, although what it is I’m not sure. Hmm. Well, this is turning into an essay, I have to go return some video tapes.