> Marilyn Manson - Para-Noir

OMG Taggart is showing me the police photos from the Columbine shootings, of Eric and Dylan’s dead bodies. SWEETNESS.

> Marilyn Manson - Para-Noir “I’d fuck you because I am your whore / I’d fuck you because you are a whore”
> Marilyn Manson - Spade

Para-Noir is still my god. Today we didn’t really do much but Kathy got her check and went and bought food, and pizza. Kelly, Jared and I watched Upright Citizens Brigade after Dan went home. It was a cool day. I called Taggart but he was busy; now we’re IMing. I showed him the W. Somerset Maugham quote about art and he agrees with it. I was expecting him to insist that art is something more than boredom, but he is more nihilistic than I thought. Good Taggart (pats him on the head). That was an amusing image. He says Choke is his second-favorite book, or maybe Chuck book. I should ask. His favorite book is 1984. Sweet. OMG–he hasn’t read Brave New World! He is so not my god any more.

> Marilyn Manson - Para-Noir “I’d fuck you because I can’t remember if I already fucked you before” [this song is now my GOD!!!!]
> Marilyn Manson - The Bright Young Things “we know who we are and what we want to say / and we don’t care who’s listening / we don’t rebel to sell / it just suits us well / we’re the bright young things”

Today was cool. Very cool. I woke up from a dead sleep to Dan (Kelly’s boyfriend) asking me if I wanted to hang out. I was so asleep and couldn’t think, he’s all “well, I’ll just come over and you can decide.” He wanted to go have lunch and then go rendezvous with Kelly and Taggart at the high school. I was tired but wanted to have a social day, so I listened to Para-Noir (my new audio god, the lyrics are in a post from yesterday), after I got off the phone with him then took a shower and got dressed. He showed up as I was tying my tie. We went to the coffee shop he works at and he had a sandwich. He offered to buy me some food but I didn’t want to impose, although as he was eating I realized I was violently hungry. We had a good conversation–he’s either quite intelligent or just skilled in civil debate. Or maybe we just agree with each other and that’s why we can converse so well. I had this attack of nausea/gastro-intestinal something while he was getting something and I had to sit down, I was seriously thinking of just going home and vomiting but thankfully it passed. Well anyway, Dan got a mocha for one of his teachers and we got back into his car and we went over to El Camino (the high school). He gave his teacher the mocha and introduced me to a few of his friends, then the end of school bell sounded and we went to go look for Kelly and Taggart. They were outside, Taggart said he had to do something for drama, like ten minutes, so Dan said that he would wait. I went with Taggart, he smoked a cigarette across the street from the school and then went to the drama room, he performed the monologue he’d talked about with me on the phone. It was promising–he is a very good actor. Me and Taggart are really good conversationalists, we can talk about anything, that’s another thing I love about him. We rendezvoused with Dan and Kelly, then Dan drove us to Kelly’s house. Muffin (Kelly’s dog) had taken an enourmous shit on the carpet. We hung out until four–Taggart had to go to work. Dan drove Taggart over to his house to get his work clothes and then over to the pizza place where he works. We went back to Kelly’s house after another stop at Dan’s coffee shop to get Kelly something, when someone came in the door. It was Taggart–it turned out he wrote his schedule down wrong and he didn’t have work that day. Which made me happy. We hung out for a while, and Taggart asked me if I wanted to go to a movie. I was all, “sure.” After I got ready we went out to wait for the bus. I wanted to bring my CD player but Taggart didn’t want me to, which was in retrospect a good idea. I guess I do drown him out with my music. We waited for like an hour, talking about everything and flirting–he’s so cute. We talked about so much. The bus finally came, and we rode it to the theatre. We walked over to the theatre in the rain talking about everything from our relationship’s end to fuck buddies to disturbing sexual fetishes–I love talking to him. We saw Big Fish. The theatre we went to had these banks of seats with no divider, “love seats,” and we sat in one of those. It was so cute, he had his head in my lap and we were cuddling and holding hands, so endearing. It was kind of embarassing because we were in public, but halfway through the movie I was all “who the fuck cares? I love him more than any of these fuckheads.” The movie was entertaining and kind of cute. Banal, but cute. It’s growing on me though. We walked over towards the mall afterwards, Taggart had been bumming cigarettes off of me so he bought a pack, I only have one freaking cigarette left. He said he’d bring me a pack, because he did smoke the last pack I got almost in its entriety. Anyway, we got to the mall and were looking for pay phones–the last bus had already run. We hung out in Barnes & Noble for a bit, he looked at skater magazines as we talked and I felt compelled to search out a photography magazine. I found a really cool one, I was all “this is my magazine, it’s printed in grayscale!” Anyway, we got bored of that and he called one of his friends and blackmailed her into coming and picking us up. It was raining and I am so glad I got that hat, my glasses stayed completely rain-free. Her name was Jessica or something like that. Well, we got back to Kelly’s house and after we peeled off our rain-soaked coats we started embracing and everything. I talked to him about how I am going to hurt when he’s fucking some chick after I’m gone (that had been an undercurrent through the whole night’s conversations). He was so understanding and explained to me that I would be doing the same thing–which was completely true.

Me: “You’re right…you’re a whore, I’m a whore–I just don’t want to be a whore.”

Me (earlier that night): “I wonder if I would be hurt more if you yelled at me or if you got hit by a car.” I love talking with him, he just makes it all go away.

We held each other for a while and talked. I feel completely at peace now. I wonder how long this is going to last. The calm before the storm. I can feel by my peace that something horrible is going to happen. But I should enjoy my peace while it exists. Our relationship is what it is. I was kind of horny so he pleasured me and I insisted on pleasuring him even though he’s was saying that he was going to have an orgasm that night anyway. I did it in a different way though, it was cool. I wanted to watch him pleasure himself but we kind of got lost in the moment, I ended up doing it for him. That was fun. He’s probably pleasuring himself right now, which really is erotic. To me, at least. I realize I am obsessed with sex, with car-crashes, with scars and fatalities and toxicity levels, overdoses, Valiums, depressants, stimulants, scars especially. I love scars. I wish I had some. Real ones, to give the emotional ones more reality. Anyway, he had to go home so I walked with him–I get lost really easily in Sacramento but he’s all “we can go straight down El Camino,” but like halfway there he’s all “oops, there is turning involved,” so we kissed and said the horribly inadequate lines of goodbye. Hmm. So I blasted Para-Noir on the way back with the CD player I brought but didn’t listen to while I was walking with him. I don’t know what all this means, but I do love him. So here I sit blogging at–OMG!–one in the morning. Shit! I need to go to bed. I haven’t heard from Molly in a while, I e-mailed her twice. Hmm. Oh well. Off to dreamland.