> Marilyn Manson - Count to Six and Die (Infinite Vacuum of Space Encompassing)
Still can’t sleep–the sun is going to be coming up soon. Shit. I should try to lay down. I can’t stop listening to “Count to Six and Die.” Depressing. I should try to sleep.
My mouth was a crib and it was growing lies
I didn’t know what love was on that day
my heart’s a tiny bloodclot
I picked at it
it never heals it never goes away
I burned all the good things in The Eden Eye
we were too dumb to run too dead to die
I would have told him then
he was the only thing
that I could love in this dying world
but the simple word “love” itself
already died and went away
This was never my world
you took the angel away
I’d kill myself to make everybody pay
His heart’s bloodstained egg
we didn’t handle with care
it’s broken and bleeding
and we can never repair
> Marilyn Manson - Godeatgod
> Marilyn Manson - President Dead
> Marilyn Manson - In The Shadow of the Valley of Death [glorious song]
> Marilyn Manson - Lamb of God
> Marilyn Manson - Born Again
It’s four-thirty in the morning and I can’t sleep. I just finished Chuck Palahniuk’s Choke, Taggart’s favorite book. It was FUCKING GLORIOUS. I want to swallow his cum now–he has such good taste in books. I would so die for him–I want him to strangle me and do something obscene to my corpse. Mmm. I am so dead already. I have the outer fringes of a cold, and this kind of rash on my chest, oh it’s gone now–it was probably from lying on the bathroom floor reading. I couldn’t read anywhere else because everybody was asleep. But anyway, I’m kind of stuffed up, either I have a cold or AIDS. One or the other, i’m going to die soon. Taggart is going to take me to see his exhibit on Saturday–or maybe it’s Sunday. I think it’s Saturday. I miss him horribly tonight. I just want him to hold me. I just want to play with his hair, to smell his nicotine-stained fingers, to masturbate each other while we watch a movie. Goddamn this world. Fuck everything. Love is shit. Why can’t we all just die. I fucking love him. In a world where nothing is real and nothing is true, can’t I have just one iron stanchion? Why can’t I just love someone and have them love me back? Why don’t my parents understand? This is the most important thing in my entrie life! I would rather die than never experience this! I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN NEVER BE LOVED. And it’s their fucking fault. Me and Taggart, our parents never loved us as much as we wanted them to–so in some inane Odeipal way we both want our parents. I don’t know–I hate my parents. I hate my world–I hate my life. I hate fucking–I hate having to fuck–I hate being addicted to biofeedback loops stimulated by the touch of other people. I want love in a syringe. I want to inject myself with those feelings I feel when he’s holding me and just disappear into a perfect drug-induced fog. “There’s a windshield in my heart / we are bugs so smeared and scarred” (Marilyn Manson). I want to be in the motorcade, the death parade. I want my life to mean something, but there is no meaning–no love–no truth–no justice–no intelligence–no higher purpose–no sins–no sacrifice–no god–no reason to live. My lover and my books are my personal gods. If I could just crawl inside Into The Forest, Romeo and Juliet, Brave New World, 1984, The Scarlet Letter, Slaughterhouse-Five, Fight Club–I could live forever. I could love forever. There really could be truth, justice, morality and love. But I can’t. Nothing can ever be as good as you can imagine it. Nothing can ever be real. “Sooner or later, everything becomes television.” (J.G. Ballard). So I’m stuck here in the middle of the night listening to Marilyn Manson and saying that the world fucking sucks. So what’s next? Should I go over and blow Jared? He won’t mind–he’s on muscle relaxers. Should I go and kill someone in the apartment complex? Should I go wandering around Sac and never come back? Should I slash my wrists? Should I accept this life of mediocrity and prolonged death my parents want for me? I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING LOVE TAGGART MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD. I DON’T WANT TO GIVE THIS UP JUST FOR SOME SHIT THAT MY PARENTS WANT!!!! But I know it has to end!!!!!!! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE!!!!!!”Some children died the other day / we fed machines and then we prayed / puked up and down in morbid faith / you should have seen the ratings that day.” (Manson) Fuck of a fucking fuck, I’m using parentetical citations in a semi-suicidal rant–fucking fuck. Maybe there really isn’t anthing that really is me, maybe the determinists are right, maybe my mechanical destiny has been determined since before I was born. There is only one thing I can be sure of, the one incontrovertible possession the world can never take away–I’m going to die. And I want to die doing what I fucking wanted to! I WANT TO DIE LOVED. I WANT TO DIE HATED. I WANT TO DIE FEARED. What the fuck am I going to become going to fucking community college? I’m going to be old before I have enough money to buy the clothes that I want so I can fuck the guys I want, so I can maybe not die alone. I want to make a mistake for once in my fucking life. I want to make a bad decision–because what the fuck else is there in this hellish world of mediocrity and oppression? I would rather get my head cut off than live out some stupid infomercial about the perfect life. FUCK THE WORLD. I WANT TO FUCK UP. I WANT TO DIE. THIS WORLD IS NOT WHAT THOSE FUCKS IN KINDERGARTEN TOLD ME IT WOULD BE. THIS WORLD IS SHIT. I WISH I COULD DIE BUT I CAN’T. FUCK. Fucking fuck. All I know is that I love Taggart and I like becoming more intelligent. Swap those with heroin and anonymous sex and I’m just another machine. A fucking machine and a drug machine instead of a fucking machine and a brain machine. I’m just stuck in this rut and I have to get out before I kill someone. “The person you love and the person who loves you are never, ever the same person” (Palahniuk). I just feel like a fucking martyr to a world that doesn’t give a shit. Nobody understands that I’ve never loved before and that I don’t want to live to fifty. I don’t really even give a shit about living to forty. I just want to feel love. I want to be young, I want to err, I want to be stupid–just for once. I’m going to be old soon and if I don’t feel anything now I’ll just be sedated for the rest of my life. I WANT TO LIVE, I WANT TO LOVE, I WANT TO FUCK UP–I WANT TO BE HUMAN. if i was only human….fuck. I’m just a machine and so is everyone else. Oppression machines, tax machines, teaching machines, fucking machines, drug machines–I just don’t want to die without finding whatever I’m searching for to make my life worthwhile. I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I don’t even think it’s there. The more I look, the less I find. But in Taggart I’ve found something that’s amazing. I may have discovered and addiction that I can never cure. Fuck. I don’t know what to do—god. I want to live and I want to die, I want to love and I want to be numb at the same time–I am so conflicted—-I don’t know what to do. I–fall. Without him, I’m nothing.
> Nine Inch Nails - The Becoming [on The Downward Spiral]
> Marilyn Manson - Tainted Love
This is such an amazing site, I want to redesign my site because my site is shit. However, I want it to be completely different, and I want my blog to be its’ centerpiece. I need to get my blog to post onto my Tripod server though, which doesn’t work. Tripod blocks it. So I’m going to have to register a domain name and pay for hosting if I want an amazing website. I love this one (http://www.db0x.com/). It’s done with the same program that I used to make mine, Macromedia Flash. I must buy a domain name, but I can’t think of a good one. I’m going to list amazingly designed sites on the bottom of this post, check them out if you want.
http://www.db0x.com/
http://www.twoblocks.com/
http://www.k10k.net/
http://www.testpilotcollective.com/
