I must confess that I’ve eaten the most disgusting thing in the entire world. Okay, well Kathy went to the free food for people on disability place and got food, and got the weirdest stuff, but she got this bag full of bagels. I picked one out and I was all “ooh, cinnamon rasin!” So I decided to toast it because it didn’t taste too good. Afterwards, I put butter and apricot jam on it and sat down to eat it. Halfway through eating it I realized that the dark corpuscles in the bagel weren’t rasins at all–they were chocolate! Picture it–chocolate smeared on bread with butter and apricot jam on it. Utterly disgusting–but I scarfed it down anyway, after being without food for a few days I can’t waste it. I’m drinking a cup of fluid from this weird unlabeled canister which I guess is pineapple juice. It’s kind of sweet. Well, I just thought I should post that. Who could imagine it? The horror that is chocolate bagels–revolting.
I’m about to watch The Matrix–Kelly just went to bed. I cleaned my new piercings and the bad ear bled. I’m going to have to put a new earring in it or something. It is not healing. I’m glad I sleep on the other side–the side that healed. I don’t know how to fix it, or even how to get these weird backs off. I’m thinking of putting the earrings I have in my bottom holes in my top holes, but that would look really weird. I can deal with the pain until I get some money to buy new earrings for my top holes. I couldn’t call Andrew–I didn’t know what I’d say and I was afraid I’d cause him pain. I think he reads this–should I call him? Should he call me? Is he hurting? I don’t know–I feel like talking to him but I’m afraid I’ll have some kind of re-lapse, like when I thought he’d come over today. As long as I don’t see him or hear his voice I can convince myself that he isn’t real–but as soon as I hear his voice–or god forbid see him–it’s all going to come crashing down. But I need it to come crashing down or I’ll never feel normal again. I’m not hurting as bad as I thought I would because of my internal delusions–and I don’t think that’s healthy. I just want him to know that this pain is not his fault. I would have felt this way anyway. I knew what I was getting into; he shouldn’t feel guilty. Started The Matrix–this is another good way to escape reality. I want to ask him if he finished Into The Forest–tell him that he should read the Simulacra and Simulation chapter on Crash–I want to be his friend again–but I’m not sure that’s going to be possible. I must get over this initial fear of seeing him again. I hope he comes over so I can see how I feel. We need to get through this–that was supposedly the point of breaking up early–we completely skipped friendship and went to lover status–we need to backtrack. I want to be friends–but I don’t know if he does. Maybe I’ll call him tomorrow–I just don’t know what he wants me to do… Hmm. I’m afraid if I call him I’ll hurt him. Well, I think I’m going to raid the kitchen and finish watching The Matrix with complete attention. Oh, I watched The Doom Generation to see if I would feel bad watching movies that I’d watched with Andrew–and it wasn’t too bad–I didn’t get the rush of memories that I thought I’d get–but I doubt I’ll be able to watch Requiem For A Dream any time this century without wanting him to hold me while I cry at the end. Buying that movie was definitely a waste of money. Well, at least I’ll be able to loan it to people.
> Marilyn Manson - Lamb of God “If you die when there’s no one watching / Then your ratings drop and your forgotten / But if they kill you on their T.V. / You’re a martyr and a lamb of god / Nothing’s gonna change the world”
Kelly is reading Requiem For A Dream, I don’t think I’ll be able to finish it now without being able to cry in Andrew’s arms. Goddamn this world. “Lamb of God” is blaring on my discman– the chorus is “Nothing’s gonna change the world” repeated a million times. Depressing. Crap. It’s 9:02. 28 minutes left. I think I’ll type out a list of vocabulary words I found while reading Simulacra and Simulation tonight. Baudrillard’s not being as verbose as he was in the beginning of the book–either I just have gotten used to his pet vocabulary words or he’s being more candid now that he knows he’s weeded out the stupid people. Well, here’s the list.
Vicissitudes
Aleatory
Metastasis
Alterity
Mise en scene
Apotheosis
Interstatial
Trompe l’ oeil
Briscolage
Pataphysical
Semiurgy
Denuated
Jocularly
Artifice
Tryptych
Carapace
Damn vocabulary. I’ll look them all up later.
> Marilyn Manson - Coma Black
> Marilyn Manson - A Place in the Dirt
> Marilyn Manson - The Death Song “we light a candle on an Earth we turned into hell / and pretend that we’re in heaven [...] write our prayers on a little bomb / kiss it on the face and send it to god”
“Coma Black” is the most depressing song ever–far surpassing “The Last Day On Earth.” Someone told me that Andrew was supposed to come over today–but now I’m glad he didn’t. I felt empty and numb all day until we started watching Requiem for a Dream. I knew I would cry and not be able to stop if I watched it so I went into Kelly’s room and read some of Lord of the Flies but switched after a chapter to Simluacra and Simulation, which I read for like an hour and helped me greatly. Nothing is really better to get over a breakup than to read a book whose main argument is that nothing is real. There were so many good quotes–I finally got to the chapter about Crash! I was in Kelly’s room reading and I head the door open–and it was like standing on a pane of glass for a few days and it just suddenly broke. My heart was pounding in my ears and this horrible feeling spread through my body–but I forced myself to keep reading. I have to read Simulacra and Simluation out loud because it’s so abstruse, so that helped me–eventually the blood pounding in my ears subsided as I realized it was just Jared. I would have died inside if it was Andrew. I thought I was going to be fine to see him–but just that moment of the door opening completely shattered my belief in that. I have no idea what’s going to happen when I see him. Will I be fine? Will I cry? Will I be completely shattered? Will my whole world be destroyed before my eyes? I have no idea. I checked my e-mail today and I had two infinitely compassionate e-mails from Molly. I felt so much better. I don’t feel as wretched as I normally do. I think I’m going to see if Molly can get through Simulacra and Simulation–the author, Jean Beaudrillard, makes many references to Philip K. Dick. I’m going to make her read Crash first though. Beaudrillard says that J. G. Ballard’s earlier works are his better ones–like Crash and Concrete Island, which I really want to get my hands on. Concrete Island and The Atrocity Exhibition–I must get a job. I’m going to try when I get back. Well, it’s time for Simulacra and Simulation quotes. Nothing is better than that book for escaping reality. I hope Andrew and I can be friends, I really want him to read the chapter on Crash and tell me what he thinks.
“Reality could go beyond fiction: that was the surest sign of the possiblity of an ever-increasing imaginary. But the real cannot surpass the model–it is nothing but its alibi.”
“In Crash, everything is hyperfucntional, since traffic and accident, technology and death, sex and simluation are like a single, large synchronous machine.”
“Each mark, each trace, each acar left on the body is like an artificial invagination, like the scarifications of savages, which are always a vehement response to the absence of the body. Only the wounded body exists symbolically–for itself and for others–’sexual desire’ is never anything but the possibility bodies have of combining and exchanging their signs.”
“The closer one gets to the perfection of the simulacrum [...] the more evident it becomes (or rather to the evil spirit of incrediulity that inhabits us, more evil still than the evil spirit of simulation) how everything escapes representation, escapes its own double and its resemblance. In short, there is no real: the third dimension is only the imaginary of a two-dimensional world, the fourth that of a three-dimensional universe…Escalation in the production of a real that is more and more real through the addition of successive dimensions.”
Crap. I need to call Taggart tonight. I’ll wait until nine-thirty–if he has work today he’ll be back by then. I’m afraid my heart will jump into my throat at the sound of his voice, but I have to do it sooner or later.
Actually, this is how I feel: Marilyn Manson - Coma Black. There’s a huge pic of Manson–just disregard it.
Manson Lyric Site:
