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January 13th, 2004

The Archives

• 01.13.04
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  I'm trying to find music that defines how I feel right now and I can't stop listening to "Desert Rose." I'm afraid anything else would make me feel like shit. Ah, good--Soundgarden. The one Soundgarden song I like, "Black Hole Sun." I'll post the lyrics. They're exactly how I feel. Actually, this isn't how I feel. I feel like "The Last Day on Earth," but I'm afraid if I listen to it I'll cry. Ah, "To the Moon and Back"--good song. I like Savage Garden and I'm not ashamed of it. ...
• 01.13.04
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  Sting - Desert Rose (Remix f. Cheb Mami) "I dream of rain / I dream of gardens in the desert sand / I wake in pain / I dream of love as time runs through my hand"Didn't get all the way through the movie--I had to turn it off and try to sleep. I'm really tired but can't sleep. It's not the breakup--I feel completely numb to it now. I cried it all out. All my hurt, all my frustration, everything. I can't cry any more. Well, at least tonight. I put my ...
• 01.13.04
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  I think I'm going to go to sleep after Pirates of the Caribbean. I smell and my hair is all oily but I don't feel right taking a shower at three-thirty, it's kind of rude--and it would just bring back bad memories. Well, actually good memories--that's the problem. And I can't get into Kelly's room to get clean clothes. I'm going to sleep for days once I finally get to sleep--I have a feeling it's going to be a long time. I can never sleep when I'm feeling anxious. I'm not like Taggart, I ...
• 01.13.04
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  Watched Labyrinth, I feel a little better. I still feel like shit but at least I stopped crying. I cried for about two hours, while I wrote that last post that got deleted. Watching Pirates of The Caribbean now. I must watch the most jejune movies so I won't be incited to feel anything besides entertained. I would retype the entry about me and Taggart's breakup, but I would end up feeling all those emotions again and I'd probably start crying. One two-hour milieu with infinite despair is enough for today. I should ...
• 01.13.04
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  FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I just typed the longest entry I think I've ever typed--about the end of me and Andrew and it didn't post. I am SO fucking angry. But I need to watch a movie to make myself feel better. I'll retype it later but it won't be the same. Fuck. That was the most heart-wrenching post I've ever written. I fucking hate everything. Even my journal doesn't want me to achieve peace.

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