Jared is staying the night tonight, we watched And All That Could Have Been–it was so great. I love Nine Inch Nails. We’re watching Donnie Darko, Jared is falling in love with Placebo, which is so cool! I love Placebo. He likes their lyrics–which are amazing. I’m happy I infected him with this band, it’s a great band–he’s been listening to my Placebo CDs. Well, I read the book Andrew brought over, it was called The Melancholy Dath of Oyster Boy and Other Stories by Tim Burton. It was cute. Hmm. I kind of miss him–but kinda not. He wasn’t prepared to go as deep as I wanted to go. Well, I guess when I think of it I wasn’t ready to go as deep as I always thought I wanted to–I wanted to give up my whole future for him but then I realized I would just die if he wasn’t willing to love me the way I wanted. So I need something to fall back on if love fails–and I couldn’t give that up–which was I guess a good decision because a week later we broke up. Donnie Darko is almost over. I’m going to drug myself with Nyquil whenever Jared goes to bed, which will probably be soon–it’s eleven thirty.
Holy crap! I have seven new e-mail messages–I wonder who they’re from. Wow, Tawna, Molly, Daniela, Trisha, and the OKGO Newsletter! I rate! Hmm–more Drift Drama. Like Daniela, I’m quite sick of it. Hmm. Crap, after I woke up I was in the bathroom flossing and everybody got back from school–and Taggart was with them. He loaned me a book–either it was because I was half-asleep or because I am over him I wasn’t really freaked out when I saw him–I think it’s cuz I’d just woken up. It was kind of like seeing an old friend. Hmm. Dan brought over And All That Could Have Been, we’re watching Memento now. It’s kind of sad, very The Stranger. Life has no meaning.
> Beethoven - Seventh Symphony
> Massive Attack - Black Milk
> Matt Damon - My Funny Valentine [off The Talented Mr. Ripley Soundtrack]
> Portishead - Roads
> Moby - Inside
>Beethoven - “Moonlight” Piano Sonata
Goddamn it, I wanted to go to sleep so I started listening to my Mellow Musik CD, but now I’m groovin’ to Massive Attack. Damn you, Massive Attack–with your catchy electronic beats and rythmic vocals–grr. I can’t think of anything other than whether Andrew was full of shit in his reasons for breaking up with me. Maybe he was just bored. Maybe he was just using me. Maybe I was getting too clingy. Damn it, I hate how cynical I am. I hate how I overanalyze people. He once said that nobody trusted him–and I want to–but I don’t trust anybody. Even myself. Fuck. I hate myself. I got an e-mail from my mother this morning:
Here’s a little news flash for you. It is not ok to say,”Shut the hell up to your mom.”
I would make fun of her quotation error, but other than that it just pisses me off. I didn’t tell her she was putting her mouth places it shouldn’t have been when she told me about these white dots she saw on her throat a few months ago. I don’t think we’re ever going to get along–to much emotional baggage–too much shit. It’s like we were married. God damn it. There needs to be like 1-800-PARENTS where you can call and have the conversations you should have had with your parents, like the one I want to have with my dad. Well, it’s not one with my dad–one is what I’m shooting for–he’s like sixty now and I don’t know anything about him–maybe I’ll get one meaningful conversation before he dies. If I’m lucky. I’ve given up hope on my mother–she’s just become this childish emotion-driven whim machine. I mean, I love them, they’re my parents and all–but they can’t fulfill my emotional needs. I wish I had a cuddle buddy–that would be great. I need to meet a nice girl–or guy. Guys make bad cuddle buddies though, they always want to have sex. God damn Crescent City. I’m never going to meet anyone. That just brought back some memories that piss me off. I was hanging out with Christine and Danielle one day and they were talking about the night that we got really really drunk (my b-day celebration) and they were all agreeing that I was drunk enough to have sex with a girl. WHAT THE FUCK? I thought that was just a damn insult. Yeah, they know better than me what gender I want to have sex with? I really resent that. I’m going to e-mail Molly–I’ve put it off long enough. I don’t know why–it’s so weird to write her because I write so much here–it’s kind of different writing e-mails. I’ve been writing e-mails lately that I can’t just copy into my blog–and I kind of feel like it’s a waste–but hey. That’s life. Dan stopped by (like he does every morning) and dropped off And All That Could Have Been, the Nine Inch Nails DVD which I had been wanting to watch forever. I lent him my bondage collar so he was supposed to lend me the DVD–anyway I’ll watch it later today. I just can’t freaking sleep this morning! I don’t know what it is–I just feel so freaking weird. I’ve been feeling it since the breakup–this feeling of “My purpose in life is gone–what the hell am I doing? So I’m going to college to be a what? To do what? To save what? To change what? Why bother.” I’m listening to my mellow mix and I forget which is my favorite symphony. I know it’s the one I’m listening to now–but I forget whether it’s the ninth or the seventh. Fuck. I think it’s the seventh. I’m almost certain. It starts out all slow but builds up to this great climax. I read that he wrote his best symphony when he was totally deaf. Such a metaphor. I used to be really into Beethoven but I got sick of all the songs on the CD I got of him–so I kind of stopped listening. I have them with me, maybe I’ll listen to them. Hell, might as well pop one in now. Crap, they’re all scratched. Damn it, I want Andrew to hold me–right now. I hate this feeling of withdrawl. I need a cuddle buddy–now. OMG– I LOVE THIS SONG. Beethoven’s “Moonlight” sonata. I used to be able to play the first half of it–before my damn mother sold our piano. I want to play it so bad–it’s the most beautiful song… Damn everything. God, I wonder how much time I spend blogging. Is it wasting time? Well, I suppose it’s more productive than watching TV. And it helps hone my typing skills. Hmm. I want to go do something but there’s nothing to do. Maybe when it gets light outside I’ll go out to the park and lie on my back watching clouds all day listening to music. God that would get boring. Any more boring than talking to myself via an online journal? Questionable. Maybe Amy is right–maybe I do spend too much time talking about myself when I should be focusing on other people–but the truth is I don’t put much stock in other people. The only person you can rely on is yourself–and I can’t even rely on myself for most things. Shit. I don’t know what the point of all this–text–is. Do I feel better after I write? Kind of. When I was going to my therapist he told me to keep a journal. Maybe it’s good…I dunno. Okay, I’m going to e-mail Molly. Now.
Played Neopets for a while–I’m expanding and expanding my shop. I know Neopets is completely lame but I’m soo bored. I think I’m going to sleep now.
E-mailed my mom this URL–she’s probably going to make some sardonic comment about it next time I talk to her, if she reads it at all. It’s seven AM over there–I think she’s at work now. Hmm. I’m always sarcastic in my e-mails to her, I don’t know why–I included something chastising her making fun of my possible STD. That really pissed me off. She’ll probably bitch about that too. I’ll give everybody three guesses how much I care.
