That conversation didn’t last long–I guess she really does hate me. I’ve never been hated before–well for any reason that made more sense than my sexual orientation or the way I dress. Hmm. Here’s the conversation–I’m “the wretched”–you can guess who “Really Pissed Off” is (Danielle).

Really Pissed Off says:
Checked your e-mail lately
Really Pissed Off says:
?
the wretched says:
about twenty minutes ago
the wretched says:
I re-read some of those entries–they were really judgemental, I’m sorry. I was just angry. And I don’t think you and Christine are stupid, you just kind of got lumped in with Heather
Really Pissed Off says:
well okay…bye

Oh well. It’s Jared’s birthday–I shaved my legs and they’re all smooth–yay. Hm–I think the gods are getting me back for all the happiness I experienced with Andrew. I hate this Crescent City bullshit. I can’t wait until I move to a real city with a real college. But I’m probably going to be stuck there for another two years, until I graduate. Fuck. I’m kind of thinking about my friendship with Dani and Christine–they were nice, but we really didn’t share any of the same interests. Danielle and her family are “mormons.” If the quotes aren’t a clue enough, they’re people who call themselves mormons but don’t believe in most of the tenets of their own religion. I don’t think that’s bad–everybody is like that whether they know it or not. Nobody really believes–religion is just a defense mechanism. Yes, that’s an allusion to Freud–which neither of them would get. It’s not that I think they’re stupid–it’s just that their imperative isn’t the expansion of their knowledge, and they don’t read. I just can’t–communicate with them on the level that Molly and I communicate. When you’ve read some of the same books as someone else, you just–I don’t know how to express it. You can communicate larger ideas then if they haven’t. I don’t know– Maybe I am just a judgemental asshole. I like to think I’m a nice person–but reading those things I wrote…. I guess I was so judgemental because I knew that neither of them read this at the time I wrote that. If I want to say something negative about someone who reads this, I remind myself not to take cheap shots like “Fuck them.” Shit. I wonder if Dani blocked me. Probably. She hates so easily, it’s a Crescent City thing. Damn it. Now I’m not only going to have to get over Andrew I’m going to either have to rediculously ingratiate myself to them or just deal with the fact that they hate me. I don’t know–I guess most people aren’t like me. I don’t hate people. Maybe that’s good, maybe it’s bad. I don’t know. Am I a bad person for speaking my mind? I don’t know.

Oh great, Christine and Danielle aren’t my friends any more. I just got e-mails from both of them telling me to fuck off and die and all this crap. What the fuck ever. If they can’t live with the fact that there are things about them I don’t like, then I guess our friendship really is over. I’m posting their e-mails. I never post e-mails from people, because e-mails are private–but this is a good time to make an exception.

Danielle:

“You know what I don’t like what you have to say about your so called friends… Danielle and Christine…and for the record I don’t want you to come over when you get back to crescent city! Bye forever!”

Really.

Christine:

“Hey,
God I couldn’t be more pissed at you. If you think i’m one of your stupid
Sunset Friends why the fuck did you ever hang out with me? You should have never called me back or any of that bullshit. You shouldn’t have hung out with me on Halloween or your birthday. If I’m really such a Loser maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I can’t stand how judgemental you are anymore. Why don’t you grow up and take a good look at yourself? I used to have so much respect for you but now I see you for who you really are. God, how dare you be such a god damn hypocrite. I hope you have fun in Sacramento, but when you come home don’t even fucking bother coming over to mine or Danielle’s house. Don’t even call us. I just can’t believe what a jerk you really are. Maybe someday you’ll grow up and stop being so judgemental, but until then fuck off.”

Um…okay. What did I do to piss them off? I can only guess my blog–but they didn’t even cite what I said that was grounds for the end of a friendship. Typical. And Christine has my copy of SLC Punk. I’m probably never going to get it back. What the hell? But I’m expecting logic from the realm of irrational emotions–which I suppose is flawed. I wonder why they hate me. I searched my blog for entries with their names–and I said some really judgemental things, but that’s how I felt at the time. I was angry. So I’m fucking human. Oh well, maybe I am an asshole. This is such bullshit. Like they never have thoughts about me that I wouldn’t like. This is so fucking childish. I don’t know–Christine is all “stop being such a hypocrite” and “look inside yourself”–but I really don’t see flaws, and I like it when people point out mine. I guess they just don’t get the concept of ambivalence. Love and hate are really the same thing, you spend the same amount of time thinking about the person. I would feel honored if someone hated me vehemently–it would mean they loved me. Maybe they’ll never get that. I hate and I love–I’m not going to overlook the things I don’t like about people just because they’re my friends. I don’t know–maybe this is all a shitty justification and I really am just a self-righteous egomaniac judgemental asshole. I don’t know. I’m really sorry–if that means anything. Fuck. Danielle just signed in. She’s probably going to promptly block me. That really sucks. I liked a lot of things about Danielle. And Christine. Oh well. So now I’m going to have enemies in two of my classes–and I won’t really understand exactly why. Maybe it’s just a Crescent City thing–people inventing drama to give meaning to their lives. Well, Dani’s still online–maybe I should talk to her. Her display name is “Really Pissed Off.” I’m going to talk to her–I don’t want to be her enemy.

Jared said he had the sore thingies on my finger before–maybe they are an allergic reaction. I am kind of a closet hypochrondriac. Hmm. Andrew is evil. Lol. I felt like typing that. He’s not evil–just misguided. I don’t think even he knew what he wanted. Depressing. I must quote The Doom Generation: “There is just no place for us in this world.”

Damn bumps. I was trying to sleep but I couldn’t. I was afraid of having more nightmares. Actually, I wanted to be on a computer. It reminded me of a line from Adaptation: Laroche: “Ya know the thing about computers, the thing I like, is that I’m immersed in ‘em, but it’s not like a living thing that’s gonna leave or die or something.” I so agree with that. I love my computer–actually almost all computers–because they’re pretty much all the same. And they won’t leave me or tell me they don’t love me or that I’m ugly or that I have herpes or that I’m stupid. They just are–and I love them for that. My computers have been my tireless friends ever since like before seventh grade…like…as far as I can remember, and they will not desert me now–like Andrew who will remain nameless (Family Guy joke). I kind of have to pee but I don’t want to get up. I kind of want to look at porn but I don’t want to clear my cousin’s history–I like not being judged when I look at porn. And they would judge me by my porn. And I don’t feel like being judged. I mean, it’s not like I look at obese transsexual midgets–just, my pornographic sensibilities are private. And I don’t want Kelly’s friends going “who went to this site?” Like it wouldn’t be obvious. I could blame it on Andrew, but he might be there when someone says that. And then I would have to confess “oh…yeah…that’s mine” “So you’re into bondage?” “um…no” “but you were looking at bondage porn?” You see my point. I think that I am very perverse sexually but I’ve never had another person to experiment with–I was just getting comfortable enough with Andrew to talk about such things right before we broke up. Damn it, I could be tied up in a closet with nipple clamps on right now! (kidding, kidding.) But seriously–I need to find someone that loves me. That would completely suck if I had herpes. There would be that akward moment forever *he unbuckles my belt* “um…there’s something I need to tell you.” God that would suck. Like a skinny malnourished chilean whore with three yellow teeth and empatigo. Fuck everything. I think that’s my new motto. Kelly is like the greatest person in the world–I can so connect with her. She gets me. We’re almost exactly alike–it’s creepy. We have the same values, morals, etc. We find the same people annoying, we find the same people pathetic. It’s really cool. I wonder how close we’d be if I lived down here. I think we wouldn’t be so close–we developed our style and taste in music completely separately (she dresses in black and likes NIN and Manson)–if we grew up together I think we would have been copying each other. It’s cool that we had our own lives. If there was one person I’d die to save, it would be Kelly. Damn these boils on my finger. I can’t help but be reminded every second that I’m sick. If only it had just been the sores in my throat–I mean I only think of those when I look in the bathroom mirror–but this damn sore-ridden finger is never out of my sight. Blast. And it’s just one finger–this defies logic. Maybe it’ll be my whole hand when I wake up. Reason number 2,846 not to go to sleep. I’m afraid of sleep now with those two nightmares I had last night. And they didn’t even have Andrew in them! The dreams I remember with him in them were mild and tame, like he was an old friend–but the dreams from last night were horrid–filled with legions of zombies and horrible carniverous squid–oceans of terror–it was so insanely scary. Jared just ambled out of Kelly’s room, he’s hanging out. I think I’m going to end this post. Damn, I was going to jerk off again. He has bad timing.

Um, it’s Jared’s birthday today, he’s 18–his girlfriend Amanda came over–well she didn’t go inside because Kathy doesn’t want allegations of statutory rape here, but like we all went to the park–it was funny me and Kelly locked everybody out, it was so childish but so hideously amusing. We then went out to the park and hung out–there was this really stupid guy, he read my “CORONER” shirt out loud and was all “coron–” sounding it out, it was so funny, Kelly and I laughed out loud at him. Jared told evil annoying Heather that my cousin died and I didn’t want to talk to her, it was funny. We went out to the park and had fun–everybody ended up kind of melting away and Kelly and I had this great conversation about people and Andrew and her and Dan–it was really cool. We got cold and went back to the apartment–Jared and Amanda couldn’t stop making out, Kelly and I were all “why aren’t they talking, they’re just making out–” weird. Anyway, we went back to the apartment and was going to bake something but we didn’t have any eggs. Jared ended up getting some from his girlfriend Amanda’s house, but we were too tired. I was looking up what disease I might have on the internet–I have these weird bumps on my right index finger. Hmm. Kelly made french fries–they were good. Oh, earlier today me, Kathy and Kelly had this great conversation about how evil my dad and Grammie are–Kathy went over to Grammie’s house to pay her back $600 and Grammie kicked her out of the house yelling at her. What a bitch. We can’t help speculating on her death. I doubt I’d really feel bad unless I saw the corpse. Same with my dad–well maybe. I’m kind of still hoping for one good conversation with him. Hmm. Oh, Andrew stopped by today and it wasn’t too bad–kinda. We talked about Into The Forest and he couldn’t say anything other than it was a feminazi book. Eh, whatever. He doesn’t like The Haunting Of Hill House. Evil him. I guess he could tell I was getting a bit freaked out, I had my headphones on (he knows when that happens I’m either bored or stressed out of my mind), so he left after a bit. I just scratched my nose–the bumps on my finger are weird. Crap. I’m sick. After all of me and Kelly’s talking–I can’t shake the feeling that his reason for the breakup was bullshit. I think he just got bored. I mean, we never had sex any more–I could tell something was up. Fuck him. He never really loved me–if he thought he did, he was deluding himself. Kelly went to bed, we’ve been watching Family Guy–it’s so funny. I love Family Guy. Damn bumps on my finger. I’m dying. Crap. I need to brush my teeth.