the diary of antoine roquentin

I walked towards the uniform store, where I met Michelle (Non-evil Stephanie’s sister) and we talked for a while. On the way to the end of the street, I saw Tawna, she’s getting her tattoo done today, I’m going to meet her at four. It’s 3:21 now. My dad leaves work at 3:30–but I’m going to stay in town, if all else fails I can call him and ask for a ride home. He hasn’t had to pick me up at 9:00 all week so it would be the least he could do. The original plan was to go to Gas 4 Less, get cigarettes, and then go back to my dad’s truck and wait for him to get off work. However, after seeing Tawna, I have to go with her to get her tattoo for moral support. Well, I went to the uniform store and got a black t-shirt with nihilist printed on it in white collegiate-style lettering. It’s going to be cool if they put it on the right part of the shirt. I should have been more specific. I said the middle, I hope they don’t just put it in the middle of the shirt, that would be so lame. Eh, damn my lack of verbal skills. I guess I’ll have to trust her to know where I want it–probably a bad idea. I mean, where else do words go on shirts except for in the middle towards the top? Anyway, if it comes out good that shirt will be my new religion. I told her the word and she was all “how do you spell that? n-y-l” I was all, “no, here, let me write it.” It kind of made me laugh, but not really. It turns out she works with Daniela at the scrapbook store, and she’s in my photography class. Gosh, I so don’t remember normal people. I never remember faces, only clothes. Weird. I’d rather go out with a facially homely guy that dressed to kill than a facially gorgeous guy that dressed like a hobo. Well anyway, I kind of talked with her a bit and then I walked back to the college. Dan (the college admissions guy) wasn’t there, so I waited for a bit and then decided to find Tawna. Her class is in room 29, the big one, so I couldn’t see her in it but it’s the only class that’s going, so it must be hers. I went and sat in the little courtyard thing in front of the college for a while, looking at the high schoolers. Their “alternative” crowd is just the same as when I was there. The token punk (the replacement for Will) all the orbiting fat kids that dress in black and Converse. It’s pathetic. The world has sold out. I drew on my Etch-A-Sketch keychain for a while, then I decided to check out the scene at the smoke box–it was empty. No one. I swear, since they took the windows out of it and somebody stole the bench nobody hangs out there any more. So I got depressed and said to myself “Well, I’ll just go into the Drift Office and kill myself.” So here I am, typing an entry, feeling bad for not having a ride back home, and waiting ambivalently for 4:00 to go with Tawna to get her tattoo. I might get one too if I feel inspired, if they have a good design I like. I’m going to get the 666 on my inner thigh I think. And if they are cheap I might have Royce pierce me. I hope he’s there. That will be fun if he is. I LOVE this mascara that Christine recommended. It’s so my new religion. It sucks that I didn’t bring my wrist brace today–my wrist is kind of acting up. I hear laughing, maybe Tawna’s class is over. Nope–a droning voice–must be the teacher. I really hope I got into that biology. I want to go check but Dan is gone. I swear, these people get off on leaving their posts. Whoa, a loud voice from Tawna’s class–strange. Maybe it’s from the distance learning room, it’s on the other side of one of the walls. Hmm. I really hope my nihilist shirt comes out good. I think I’m going to go back and just get a bunch of plain black t-shirts. I’m sick of wearing all my ones with clever sayings under my collar shirt. I get to pick up my nihilist shirt tomorrow. And my film, I think. I need to ask Lisa when film generally gets done. Is it like a week? I dunno. Gosh, my hair is so long. I love it. To combat my continuing hair loss, Jordan has me conditioning my hair before and after I wash it. I’m kind of worried that Rite-Aid will call the police about those photos. It looks like blood, but it’s really red paint. I took a picture of the thing of red paint to appease them. That would be kind of funny if I got arrested. Depressing and stressful, but funny. Well, it’s 3:40. I should see if Tawna’s class is over yet. Oh, it’s empty. I’m going to track her down.

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I was walking by the drift meeting place yesterday and I went in–afterwards Molly and I talked for a few hours, it was fun. After I met Danielle in the library, we had an okay talk–we were back to normal. We went out to the little courtyard thing in front of the college to talk, Jordan was supposed to show up around that time. He did, and I introduced them. We were kind of bored, so I was all “let’s go to kidtown!” so she went over to her house and got Christine and we went. While Danielle was over at her house, Jordan told me how he was going to have a talk with Brian that night at seven and tell Brian that he just wanted to be friends. Danielle and Christine got back, I introduced them, and Jordan drove us to KidTown, we had lots of fun, Jordan liked them. He said last night that he’s liked all my friends he’s met so far. Well, after that we went to Wal-Mart for me to get a tape deck, but they convinced me to just save up and get a good CD player. We ambled around the store and I picked up some stuff:

2 pkg. black socks
suspenders (my pants had been falling down all night)
multicolored uni-ball pens (I only get them for the green one)
a box of chocolate for Danielle–she’d been eyeing it
a butter dish for my dad (he puts the butter in the cabinet every night so the rats don’t eat it)
mascara that Christine recommended (it actually is really good mascara)

We didn’t have any idea what time it was, but there was a clock at Wal-Mart that said that I was like 40 minutes late for photography, and twenty minutes until he had to meet Brian, so we all piled into the car again and went back to the college. I kissed Jordan goodbye and we parted ways. It was a bit embarrassing to walk into photography so late, but it was okay. I wrote out my order for the photography supplies (she talked about it the first class) and gave it to her and watched this video for an hour or so. I can’t wait to get started taking pictures. Here’s my order (I really like lists, can ya tell?)

3 rolls 100 speed film
3 rolls 200 speed film
3 rolls 400 speed film
100 sheets photo paper
negative sleeves
print sleeves

All I need now is a binder to put it all in. And a camera bag. She said we’d need that much of all the paper and such. After the class was over, I saw Daniela over on the patio, and we talked for a bit until this FREAKING CRAZY GUY came over and talked at us for about twenty minutes–Jordan walked up in the middle of it while the guy was going off about being raped as a boy by his parents and secret satellite databases where children are sold to police as sex slaves by the FBI monitoring bisexual tendencies–it was SO fucking scary, so stressful I had to pretend to smoke a cigarette. I was so relieved when Jordan walked up, but I was all “crap, I can’t leave Daniela with this psychopathic weirdo.” We all ended up walking arm in arm away from him, Jordan had his arm around Daniela and they were talking and I was all “oh, you know each other” and they were all “no.” It’s funny how INSANELY stressful situations will make people into instant friends. At Daniela’s car they were talking and they were really hitting it off, Jordan is an Eagle Scout and Daniela worked at boy scout camp, so they liked each other–and of course it’s impossible not to like Daniela’s personality. We said goodbye to her and went to his car, when we were driving to Kevin’s house (a stop-off before my house on the way home) he told me about his talk with Brian–I’d been feeling really bad for Brian, but he said Brian took it a lot better than he thought. I felt good that I didn’t inadvertenly hurt Brian. We went to Kevin’s and Ben was over, I love Ben! In a completely non-prison movie way. He has this amazing fashion sense, and I think he’s the only black kid in the entire high school. Jordan and I kidnapped them and made them go over to Michael’s house. Actually, this requires some explanation: Michael is this person that is SO pathetic. He’s pretty much a pre-operative transsexual who thinks everyone is gay and everyone is “checking him out.” Pathetic. He could almost make KATIE (Sacramento Katie) seem less pathetic. Yeah, he’s that bad. Well anyway, Kevin was all “NO” because he hates Michael, but Jordan and Ben hadn’t ever met him. We called him on Ben’s cell phone, but he was asleep. We ended up driving somewhere–I think to Royce’s house, but he wasn’t home. I think we went to Florence Keller park but didn’t want to get out of the car. Oh no, after Michael’s I made them go to Wal-Mart so I could get an Etch-A-Sketch. It’s the funnest thing ever. I have an Etch-A-Sketch keychain and I’d been playing with it so I wanted a real one. It’s really fun. But anyway, we got bored so we went back to Kevin’s and hung out and talked for a while–Kevin was being petulant and in a bad mood. It’s really sad–Kevin wants to have sex with me, Ben, and Jordan but can’t get any of us. I kind of pity him. If only he would lose weight–he doesn’t take care of himself. See, he’s lazy and that’s why he’s fat. But I’m even lazier and that’s why I’m not fat. I’ve reached the plateau of laziness where I’m too lazy to eat. I have been so losing weight lately–I can’t even wear my pants without the suspenders now. Weird. It’s probably because in the morning I don’t feel like eating much and I’m at school all day with my lunch of an apple, and I’m at school until 9PM, so the only time I have to eat is like 11:30 when I get home from hanging out with Jordan. Well, after a while Jordan and I left Kevin’s–it was obvious that me and Jordan’s romance was making the others angry (we weren’t like making out or anything, but you know it’s the you’re in a relationship and I’m not so I’m going to be bitchy thing). Ben wasn’t being bitchy, but Kevin sure was. So we left–not really because of them, because it wasn’t too bad, but just because we were bored. We got to my house and he wanted me to do his makeup, but we couldn’t go in the house because of my dad, so we ended up just making out and eventually having an interesting (although freezing cold) milieu in the barn. I swear, that barn is like my brothel. I went up there today to find a condom that got lost in the dark and one of his shirts was up there, I found that hideously amusing. Well, we talked for a bit and he went home. I went into the kitchen and ravenously attacked a half a combination pizza I found in there, but after two slices I was full. There was a DEAD RAT in a trap on the counter, but I was too hungry to care. I had a few cookies and some soy milk but then I was full, brushed my teeth, and went to bed.

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