the diary of antoine roquentin

> No Doubt – It’s My Life

I’m addicted to this song, however much I might not like it. I guess I should admit I like No Doubt’s pop anthems. They have great electronic beats. And I have to say I love electronica. And I’m going to be listening to this song for days–it has the perfect mixture of a great beat and sufficient angst to make it a breakup song. Taggart’s online but I don’t feel like talking to him. I don’t know what I’d say anyway. He’s supposed to come over tomorrow, I think. We’re supposed to take a walk or something, Kelly got new condoms–so yea. I’m going to rely on my powers of innuendo to supply the reason Andrew and I have to evacuate for a while. I’m kind of sad that Andrew never fucked me–I’ve never recieved before, I’ve never been with someone I trust enough for that–I’ve heard anal sex horror stories. The Animal Channel is on–I’ve seen so much sex, carnage and destruction via reptiles that I’m a bit sickened that we descended from them. The only difference between us and them is that we get into groups to kill each other. Hmm. I got some interesting e-mails today, Danielle and Christine are apologizing. I’m sorry as well, but I’m still not sure exactly what to say back. I guess it’ll all happen in good time. They know I love them. Hmm. I feel like I should say something to Andrew–fuck, I hate this feeling. I’m never going to get closure. It’ll never be like it used to be–well I guess how it used to be was us wanting to fuck / have a relationship–and now it’s happened, and now I have no idea what we are to each other. Hm. Friends? No…we don’t know each other enough…I just hate this grey nebulous area. I can’t stop loving people–it’s sad. I guess I’m sick or something. Oh, I took Kelly’s copy of Chuck Palahniuk’s Lullaby from her room, I’m going to try to read it before I leave. Talked to Charley today, it’s kind of funny–Charley and I are a lot alike, we both hate guys. Well, I guess he hates me–and the way I treat him I deserve to be hated. I would go out with him but his personality can be at times tiringly banal, he isn’t going to college (eww), and he’s overweight. I guess I use him–but we kind of use each other. Sex is sex. Depressing. I started the first few pages of Lullaby, it’s good, Kelly said that it was good, and it’s Chuck, so it should be glorious. I’m tryign to burn a CD for the trip, but a lot of the songs I need for an unrequited love/breakup CD are all at home, I haven’t listened to them in so long. Should have brought my mp3 backups–eh, it’s my own stupidity. I’ve been getting these weird stomach pains today–it’s probably from my less than nutritionally sound diet for the past month. I’m really looking forward to going home. Oh crap, I need a bathroom break. Right now.

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> Elastica – 2:1
> Elastica – Stutter

Another development, Jon is supposed to drive up from Arcata and see me on Friday–I think he thinks we’re going to have sex–I haven’t seen him in years, I can quite honestly say that I have no idea what’s going to happen. He’s my oldest friend (not in years but in how long I’ve known them). Hmm. We kind of have opposing personalities on the net, but we’re good in phone conversations (mostly because they turn into a jeremiad about the tediousness of his life). That’s such a cool word. I like jeremiad. I’m going to use it often. Jared often complimented me on my vocabulary–do I sound intelligent? I hope so. Hmm. Maybe Taggart dumped me because he thought I was stupid. That would be depressing. I need to talk to him before I leave. I NEED it. I need closure. I want to ask him what he didn’t like about me, what I did that he didn’t like. I need to improve myself from this. But I have a feeling that his disappearance from my life is willful. Either he doesn’t want to hurt me, he doesn’t want to hurt himself, or he doesn’t give a fuck about me and is in pursuit of another “wicked good fuck.” Sorry–The Doom Generation has invaded my consiousness. I really want to finish Simulacra and Simulation but I don’t want it to be over, it’s such a glorious book. Damn me. I need to write Molly back. Perhaps I should do that now.

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> Hocico – Odio En El Alma (Hatred In The Soul)
> Marilyn Manson – Kiddie Grinder

“Odio En El Alma” is such a great song. Perfect for a breakup. I’m surfing porn stories cuz I’m bored, I read this one about Britney Spears that was SO funny–I realized I could delete entries from the history without deleting the entire history. Duh. My mom was having this breakdown this morning–it’s a long story. Called my dad and he’s going to buy my ticket. Which is cool. I leave Friday. I should wash my clothes this week. I’m listening to Manson’s Smells Like Children. I burned a copy of it because it had this great song called “Kiddie Grinder” on it. Hmm. Haven’t seen/heard from Andrew in like four days–I hope he’s okay. Kelly hasn’t seen him at school or anything. I wrote him an e-mail yesterday and he hasn’t replied yet–I hope everything is okay. Hmm. I’m talking to incognito39E about his boyfriend or something–it’s kind of on the borderline of boring. I would rather be reading people’s sexual fantasies. I’m switching back and forth between reading tasteful stories and disturbingly homoerotic ones about celebrities. I can’t believe how many people are probably masturbating thinking about the characters from Lord Of The Rings having sex. Disturbing. It’s so America. Hmm. Oh, I e-mailed Jared the article I wrote about Multiculturalism because he was talking about reading random things people wrote, he said he liked it and wrote me this really nice e-mail. I really like him. I hope we stay in touch. Well, back to the cyberworld. I should check my Neopets shop till.

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Random Joke

Kelly singing along to Shania Twain in a funny voice:

“Oh oh oh”

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Jared is asleep–we kind of had a boring night, Kelly’s DVD player died the night before so staying up all night was significantly less exciting. I had to watch TV the whole night–it was making me crazy. Damn it. I need to be asleep right now–but I saw the pictures Kelly took of me and Andrew again today and they brought back so many memories–not good. And I was bored enough to listen to the CD Andrew lent me–damn it. I need to be sleeping so I can wake up early enough to call my dad and ask him if he’ll pick me up in Arcata. But I can’t. I wrote Taggart an e-mail today kind of asking him for my stuff back and how he felt–I hope I get to see him before I go. I feel like I need to say something to him, I need closure–but I never get closure. Fuck. I also e-mailed Jon and asked him for his phone number, I need to call him and finalize when he’s going to pick me up and stuff when/if I stay there. I e-mailed Molly back–she wanted to know some computer thing–it’s a long story. But it was Drift-related. It’s too bad, I really am going to miss Molly. She’s kind of made it obvious that we’re only to be professional friends from now on. That sucks. She’s such a cool person. Oh well, c’est la vie. I think that means “that’s life.” Maybe not. My French cliches are a bit rusty. I did a few drawings tonight, and a study on a new painting that I’m going to do, tentatively titled Andre: l’apocalypse. It’ll kind of be like my other painting, “Oubliette,” which you will remember if you’ve ever been in my room–but it will be different in many ways from it. I need to take a picture of the painting I did of me and Andrew before I came down here and send it to Andrew, I think he’d get a kick out of it. Or not–I don’t want to hurt him. Or maybe he spent this weekend getting wicked good head from Ica–smiling at her as she swallowed his cum. Fuck everybody. Nobody loves me. Especially Andrew. I am really in love with this sketch I did, entitled “La mer de l’isolement.” It’s really beautiful. I think I’m going to use it as the background when I redesign my site. I hate that I can’t sleep. I hate this world. I hate that I’m probably going to sleep in and not be able to call my dad because it’s too late. I hate everything about myself. I hate that I might have an STD due to my own stupidity. I hate my vanity, my superficiality, my self-pity, my rediculous cravings for affection, my anguish, my lack of self-control–everything. God damn everything. Jared painted me last night, it’s really cool. I’m going to hang it in a place of honor in my room. Fuck. I need to leave like–today. That’s when I planned to leave. I should have been prepared–but it’s just not in my nature. Well, if I can get ahold of everybody today I might concievably leave tomorrow. I need to call people, wash all my clothes, pack, not cry about leaving Andrew, not be depressed about leaving, say goodbye to the Antichrist–so much shit. I need somebody to wake me up in the afternoon–like around twelve–so I can get started on all this shit I have to do. Damn my laziness. I miss Andrew terribly. I just want to hold him one last time, but I know that’s not possible and would only hurt me more. Damn everything. I need to get to sleep. I would drug myself but the last time I did I had horrible nightmares. I had a weird dream last night, in one part of it I was joking with kelly (in reference to a Family Guy joke) “and now we turn to asian correspondent Trisha Takinowa,” and there was an asian person and I wanted to explain that it was sattire from Family Guy but she was gone and I couldn’t and I felt like such an asshole. Weird. I need to sleep but I’m too freaked out about the impending trip that rushed right up on me. And the Andrew situation doesn’t help my sanity either. Or the Danielle situation. Fuck. I was reading about fugue states earlier tonight, they’re quite interesting. Hmm. I’m dead. I can’t get over things. I can’t learn to cope. I’m just one big broken machine.

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