> Aphex Twin - Vordhosbn

Went and got one of those ersatz pizzas, saw Daniela outside the student louge, we went to her car and drove around for a while, we went to Safeway and I got one of those loaves of French bread. It so filled me up. She got a raspberry italian soda and then she had to tan so she dropped me off at the college. I have the other half of the French bread loaf in my lunchbox–my posessions today have become so cumbersome, with the Bio book I bought my backpack is so full, not to mention me having to lug around my lunchbox and CD player. Well, I think I’m going to see what’s going on at the art room, it’s starting to get dark. I need to go home and check to see what was the last month of blog entries that I printed out. I haven’t printed them in months. I need a to-do list, so here it is:

Vacuum house
Print out blog entries
Read Civics chapter 2
Read photography chapter 1 and possibly 2
Get my bike back from Danielle’s
Skim the beginning of my biology book
Clean out my side of the garage once my dad moves the saddle thingies
Find out about insurance rates
Ask Martha if I need to re-submit my FAFSA
Write a book review for The Drift
Write Molly, Kelly, and Jared e-mails.

Crap, it’s 5:30. Onwards to photography.

> Aphex Twin - Omgyjya Switch 7
> Aphex Twin - Cock/Ver 10

Just got off the phone with Danielle’s dad, I was trying to get in touch with Danielle, I had my finger on the hook to hang up at any moment of him yelling at me, but he was all “I’ll tell her you called.” Right before I hung up I heard her mom yell something, but it wasn’t discernable. I heard from Michelle that her family is accusing me of stealing stuff from their house. Suuuure. I’m not even going to waste brain cells refuting that. Oh, when we were in Eureka, the friends of Jordan’s that we stayed at were drunk and they had started *smoking* [nudge nudge wink wink] and I started to get really freaked out because Jordan has admitted to *smoking,* but I think he could tell that I was getting majorly weirded out as smoke started to waft over so he said “I’m not going to smoke or drink if it makes you uncomfortable,” and that made me not stress out. We ended up going to bed early and Kevin stayed up late with the hosts. That was when we went to the club Sunday night. It made me really like him. If he would have gotten inebriated in any way it would have been a train wreck–I would have freaked out and took his keys and slept in the car. I don’t like people when they’re on drugs. After my last experience, I do not want to alter my state. I mean, I’m fine with drinking occasionally, but I was around people that I didn’t know in a strange house. That is not drinking time. Drinking time is when you’re with friends at someone’s house you know–with friends, not with strangers. I don’t trust myself with all my inhibitions gone. I need my inhibitions to stay who I am. So in conclusion, brownie points for Jordan. I don’t like it that he *smokes,* but I guess there are worse recreational activities out there. Damn I love Aphex Twin. It’s 4:05, I don’t know what I’m going to do for an hour and a half. Oh, I got my Biology book, they got used copies in stock which were only ninety-something. So I have nine dollars in my pocket, and it’s burning a hole in it. Oh, I could go to Wal-Mart and get new black fishnets–mmmm. No, I must save it for emergencies. I spent some of my money to get into the club, we’d all forgotten our money and hadn’t considered the entrance fee so I paid for everyone ($15), and we ended up getting food on the way back, so that’s another five. They said they’d pay me back, but I dunno if they will. Saw Tara, I read with her for a bit before her ride came. She doesn’t seem very talkative, so I guess reading with her is all I can attempt so far to get to know her. Hmm. Well, maybe I should check my e-mail. Oh, Jared wrote me but I was too tired to write him back. Maybe tomorrow. He got kicked out by his mom and his dad is still a Jesus Nazi and won’t let him live at his house, so Jared’s back at Kelly’s. I so miss baking with Kelly–we need to bake!!! There’s just no substitute. There isn’t even an ersatz. It’s sad. Hm, I should probably read my photography chapter. Oh, I met this girl that’s on the Drift that’s in my photography class, she says that she went to Redwood (my grammar school) for a few years. I wondered why she looked familiar. She’s an advanced photography student–she has this ginormous clunky camera, I remember it. I can’t wait to get the one my mom sent me. I should probably get there early today and ask her what I missed last time when I was late. I’m wearing my nihilist shirt, it’s so gravy. I love it. Today’s outfit is cool, but it’s missing something–namely cool shoes. Well, I guess it’s my fault for wasting money at the piercing parlor. Well, I guess I’m going to go walk around for a bit. I’m hungry–maybe I’ll get one of those vending machine pizzas, they’re surprisingly delicious. And only $2.00. I had the remains of Lisa’s delicious manacotti for lunch–nummy. But it wasn’t filling enough. I should have brought an apple too, but there wasn’t one in the fridge. And I was rushing, Jordan can’t be late for class or they take like a whole day away from him. He wasn’t late. But it’s just because I rushed. I take about an hour to get ready because I’m slow in the mornings, but I compacted it down to 45 minutes for him. I really want to take a walk, but I’m too damn lazy/hungry. Oh yeah, the pizza. Mmmm.

> Aphex Twin - Vordhosbn

Um, my classes are over, I slept through World Religion, that primed me for Political Science, which was a really good class. We had this quiz and Daniela and I all got the same answers, it was great. We’re all “We’re smart.” Wasted time for a few hours listening to Aphex Twin and hanging out around the smoke box. It’s cold today. I was reading Kurt Vonnegut’s Cat’s Cradle, but it got too cold outside and I don’t like reading in the library, I can’t turn up my music. Carrie, the girl who works at Circle J is here in the library typing. I don’t know why I meandered in here–oh yeah I was going to e-mail Danielle and ask her if I could come over and get my bike–but I am too frazzled today to write an e-mail. Maybe I’ll call her. I was brainstorming for a few hours about a good book to write a review of. I was thinking of The Divine Comedy, but that would mean I would actually have to finish it. Sam is insisting that I do it on a “new” book. As if that really matters. Why don’t we just burn all the old books–we don’t need those things any more. Newer, faster, stronger, more banal. Let’s go back in time, pave over the library at Alexandria and erect a mini-mall! I swear, America’s new god is disposable consumer pseudo-culture. OH! I KNOW! I’LL DO IT ON THE STRANGER! Yayness. And if he doesn’t like it he can shove it up his ass. No book has come out this year, last year, or the year before that which had such an impact on Western thought. Or I could do Candide–but I don’t think Candide is an appropriate book for high school (this college is kidding itself, it’s a high school, nothing more). Anyway, I’d better get back to my Aphex Twin–my batteries are low, I need to change them. I love Jordan. Our relationship has gotten much much deeper–which is so weird since we’ve only been going out for like a week and a half. I really do love him but I can’t stop thinking about Andrew. I love Andrew’s body, I have to say. Not that Jordan doesn’t have a nice body, but–no, it’s not Andrew’s body, it’s his face. Andrew has that model face. He is so beautiful on the outside. I miss him. Not him, just his body. He’s an asshole and so hideously ugly on the inside. Which really doesn’t mean I hate him, I just think he’s an asshole. Hmm. It’s strange being in a relationship while you’re still trying to get over another one. Strange. I know what I need: more Aphex Twin. Right now.

> Nine Inch Nails - Reptile “need to contaminate / to alleviate / this loneliness / now I know / the depths I reach are limitless”
> Marilyn Manson - A Place In The Dirt “there’s a windshield in my heart / we are bugs so smeared and scarred”
> Nine Inch Nails - The Becoming
> Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have

Yesterday after Biology Jordan and I went over to get my tent from Danielle’s house (we’re going to go camping again this weekend hopefully). Then we went over to this Mormon guy’s house (I think the guy was his old scout leader, Jordan is an eagle scout) to see about places to camp that you actually had to hike to. After that I think we went to my house and hung out for a while–I tried to copy the CDs Kevin lent me but they didn’t work. Jordan kept trying to motivate me to do one of the things I had to do that day (vacuum the house, wash the dishes, proofread my mom’s paper, put the insulation into the apartment/carport thing, read my Civics chapter, clean out the other side of the garage) but he couldn’t motivate me to do much other than ask my dad to move his saddle holder things (they are nailed to the wall) so I could put my car in the garage. He was all “Why bother if you’re not going to drive it?” and I said “I want to drive it, but I don’t have insurance. You said you were going to get me insurance for the first few months, and if you want me to get a job I’m going to have to be able to drive around and submit applications and everything.” He’s all “You never got rates” and I’m all “Yes I did, they’re in my binder.” I went and got them and we hashed it out. It was really helpful that Lisa and Jordan were there to diffuse my dad. If he is anything he’s antisocial so a scene would have never ensued with them there. I really like Lisa, she’s really cool, she said some very supportive things. So my dad gave me all the paperwork and I’m supposed to call the local insurance salespeople and get rates. Unfortunately, I forgot all of that at home today so it’s going to have to wait until tomorrow (that’s what happen when I’m rushed). Well, after that my mom called saying that I didn’t need to read her paper and that she shipped the camera to me (yay!). Jordan couldn’t motivate me to do much other than the dishes, we just ended up cuddling for a while then had hot monkey sex, which completely motivated me. We went out and put in another wall of insulation, I used my scarf as a dust mask (I have bad allergies). It was fun, we need more twine though. My dad came in towards the time we were finished for the day and said that it looked really nice and said that he would move the saddle things if I wanted to clean that half of the garage out and put my car in there, which was cool. He was talking about completely refurbishing that room that Jordan and I had been working on (our dream). We were kind of talking about it, we both admit that we’re pretty much only doing it so that we have our own private sex room, but another aspect of it is that it’s our own Trading Spaces-esque adventure. If we finish insulating it I’m sure my dad will buy sheet rock, and we’ll get to furnish and decorate it–and once that place is done he could get a good $500 a month renting it out. Well anyway, Jordan had to go to school at 8:30 and I had school at 9:30 and it didn’t make sense for him to go home so Jordan cooked up this scheme where we would go over to Kevin’s for a while and then just sneak back in at like eleven when my dad was asleep, then he could drive me to town. We did and it worked. Kevin was kind of bummed, but I could completely empathize. I hate being single and being bombarded with happy couples. Well, we started watching The Matrix Reloaded and I just fast-forwarded until the action sequences. I mean, they’re the only reason you’d watch a movie as non-plot-driven as Reloaded. Well, we woke up when my alarm went off and my dad was still awake, then he left and I only had 45 minutes to get ready so I hurried like crazy, but I knew already what I was going to wear so it wasn’t that bad. I have a great oufit today, my nihilist shirt with my fishnet sleeves, my non-vinyl bondage pants, black socks, and my sandals. I was in a hurry so I just shoved some food into my Battlestar Galactica lunchbox, so it’s my accessory today. I have the remains of the manacotti Lisa made last night in there. Yummyness. Can’t wait until lunchtime.

Did I mention I saw Jon at Club West? He was looking so good, I was really surprised. I really just wanted to kiss him, but I love Jordan too much to do something inane like that. There were so many cute bois! Daniela would have swooned! And Ben would have gone crazy–it’s too bad Ben is like fifteen, he so doesn’t look it. I kept having “Ben would love this!” moments. Well, it’s 9:09, I’d better skim the chapter. I know I can wing philosophy, but not political science. In fact, I think I’m going to read my PoliSci book during philosophy, if only to drown out the stupidity of the people in there. I need a ‘me’ day, I need to just stay at home and catch up in the reading for all my classes and write some stuff for the Drift. Jordan has been taking every last iota of free time out of my life, which is great but I do need some me time. When he’s over my logic is “I can always read my civics book, but will I always be able to cuddle with Jordan?” The answer is unequivocally no. Well my class starts in like five minutes so I should voyage over. Molly just walked by and I said hi. Arrivaderci.