> Aphex Twin - Cock/Ver 10

Walked over to the library, all the outside computers were taken and the lady to check one into the inside computers was gone, so I returned to the Drift Office. I’m printing the track listing for Drukqs when I get home–all the songs are similar and it’s impossible to remember their names. Hmm. Bored. It’s 4:25–I should be doing something, but I don’t know what. Oh yeah, I was going to check a to-do list I made in a post a few days ago. Oh, I should see if Martha is here, I need to ask her if I need to re-sumbit my FAFSA. Lol, I’m reading Danielle’s blog–it’s pissing me off, not what she wrote, what’s annoying me is that it doesn’t say when she wrote each post, it just says the time, which is really damn confusing. My head hurts. And there are no links to her archives–basically once an entry is off the main page it can’t be read. I wish she’d have it so it posts the date, that would be inordinately helpful. I’m reading Eddie Izzard quotes–I love him. Cake or death? lol. God–Danielle thought I started smoking. I started PRETENDING to smoke. Small detail. Hm, these entries are from when she was mad at me. Interesting. She dropped her college classes because of me (it was obvious, but this confirmed my logic). Random obscene joke: “I like my women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer.” Ah, I’m getting to the more recent entries, she’s mentioning the e-mail I wrote her yesterday. Hmm. She got the impression that I was mad at her, hmm. I’m not mad at her, I’m just a bit skeptical about her parents’ motives, and I’m disappointed that she’s conforming to their every whim. I don’t want my “stuff” back, I just want my bike. Everything else was given, the bike was loaned. I didn’t think it would really be such a big deal. I think I’m going to go over at five when Jordan comes to hang out and see what her dad has to say. I’m not looking forward to this. I know it’s going to be a diatribe that I don’t deserve. I don’t care what they say, I try to live up to my moral code–unlike some people. I don’t mean her parents any disrespect, but when you call yourself a Mormon and disregard pretty much every tenet of the religion, you’re not a Mormon. Ersatz religion is an experiment in doublethink. As is religion in general, but it just seemed very inconsistent. Hypocrisy would be the right word. And they never told the other people in their church how they lived. How can one live under a lie? Eh–whatever. Danielle thinks I’m “insane.” Whatever. I expect maturity from people and I don’t get it. No, now that I think about it, I don’t expect maturity, I expect rationality. Logical, reasoned decisions and reasoned arguments. There is no logic to “I’m going to kick _____’s ass.” That’s ad hominem. For those of you that know what that is, I smile. “Kick your ass” is the Crescent City mentality. I’m not saying that she subscribes to it, but certain anecdotes–like the whole Robert (weird kid with the mohawk) thing–make me really question her maturity level. I don’t mean it as an insult, but pledging to kick someone’s ass is not the act of someone who has reached the peak of maturity. Maturity means realizing that fighting doesn’t solve anything, and vendettas are simply a waste of time. If you’re so consumed with hate for someone, the person you hate is winning because all you’re doing is thinking about them. I don’t know, maybe I pissed Danielle off, but I don’t really know why. I have misgivings about people. I see flaws in people. It’s only because I love them that I would logically explain why I think such things, I don’t love people any less when I see what I percieve as flaws. Nobody’s perfect, but I think that we should all be trying to better ourselves, and that’s what I’m trying to help other people do, as I hope many of my friends try to help me to do. I don’t know why we’re mad at each other–well, I’m not mad at her. I never was. I just thought that the whole situation was lame and created like a laboratory experiment to create drama. And drama has ensued. Cause, effect. The system speeds on. Well, I think I’m going to add a link to Danielle’s blog to my links bar so my readers can see the “other side of the argument,” if you will. And so you can read all the gravy Eddie Izzard quotes. Hm. I guess I might see her at five.

> Aphex Twin - Jynweythek Ylow

I set up the other computer and made sure we had access to both the network printer and the Z:/ storage drive from all of the computers. I set them on a ten-minute delay screen saver and a 20-minute delay screen turnoff. I got into one of my rare cleaning modes and vacuumed the Drift office, cleaning up a bit. It looks nice. I like the new configuration of the office. When Jordan comes to hang out I think I’m going to go over to Danielle’s to get my bike. That’s going to be his repayment for me going to that goddamn church thing. Hm, there goes Kevin’s brother outside. He’s like 26 and still living with his parents. Well, there’s my mom, 50 and living with her parents. Sad. But they need her, it’s not the other way around. Hm. I think I should get something done, but I don’t know what. I don’t have assignments in any of my classes yet. Oh, I should go forage for photogram objects. That sounds good. I should print some stuff out in the library and see how the light penetrates paper. Yeah, good idea. I LOVE the new organization of the Drift Office. Amy left because I was going to vacuum, we had a bit of a talk about boyfriends and such. I really like Amy, she reminds me of me Freshmen year. Well, I should go. I have this nagging feeling that I should be doing something. I think the nagging feeling is that I lost my wallet and don’t have my money with me for the photography supplies. We’re supposed to pay today. Well, maybe I can get her to give me at least one roll of film to shoot over the weekend. And I have to do the insurance thing, but I won’t see my dad until tomorrow so I’ll call the places Friday while he’s at work and pretend I did it today. I’m like inhaling these peppermint mints that were left in here, I should stop. Well, I love the way this place looks but I should migrate into the library.

> Aphex Twin - Jynweythek Ylow
> Aphex Twin - Vordhosbn [great song]

Wasn’t too late for Poli Sci, he talked about the constitution, this is all just review. I wish I’d gone to college instead of high school. I’m locked in a feedback loop until I get to a 4-year school. Anyway, Daniela and I drove around a bit after Poli Sci, and she dropped me off at my orthodontist appointment. The orthodontist dude tightened my retainer and told me that my wisdom teeth wouldn’t be a problem if I wore my retainers, which was cool. On the way back I had an unsavory rendezvous with Starr, I promised I’d meet her back where we met and I didn’t come back. I noticed that the Drift Office door was open, we rearranged it and got another workstation and a bigger monitor for our primary workstation. The tech guy is god. Anyway, he’s in here installing the other workstation and I’m listening to Aphex and contemplating the many things I must do before 5:40. Well, more like 5:00, because Jordan is going to come over and hang out. I have to do insurance research, and I have to search for items to make another photogram–I forgot to bring stuff from home (that’s what four hours of sleep gets you). Molly was in the office, we had a nice talk. I always feel better after I talk with her, it’s weird. She told me that the personnel guy from CR is going to interview everybody that went on the San Fransisco trip–how lame. Josh needs to just drop this shit. Nothing happened that he finds objectionable, he’s just continuing his personal vendetta against Molly. Weird. Anyway, I checked my e-mail after she went to pick up her kids and I had this great one from her. She explained what she meant by the femme fatale thing–I think a quote would be in order here.

“What I mean is, you’re so naturally sort of fascinating and attractive that people like Kevin are going to moon over you, and I was thinking that from what I know about Taggart’s personality, he is going to be drawn to the most charismatic person in the crowd, and that would be you. [...] I think I have come to believe this because everywhere I go when I’m with you, there are people noticing you, saying hi to you, trying to get your attention. That might not seem like a big deal, but I can recognize things in people’s behaviors now that I was blind to when I was young and could have capitalized on them. Next time you’re at a party, sit down on a couch with an open place next to you, and then just observe the subtle jockeying among the other people to see who will get to sit next to you.”

I wonder if it’s my own vanity that made me add that–no, it’s much more intellectual fascination with my own behaviors. There were much more ego-massaging portions of that e-mail. Maybe I am a femme fatale. People are always talking to me and trying to get my attention. Hmm. More later.

Oh, I should e-mail Molly! Stephen just showed up with a new desk! And Mike, the tech guy, is installing the old workstation on it. Yayness. Well, I should go.

Took a nap, it’s now 11:16. I wonder if I’m late for Political Science. Maybe I’ll go see. I dreampt that Royce was the leader if this ragtag gang of people, kind of Labyrinth meets Dune, and stuff. I dreampt he tricked us into jumping off this bridge by claiming there was a bomb on it and it was funny. And I had this other dream about a carnival. I slept through philosophy but who cares, I’ll have all day tomorrow to study. Well, off to political science.

> Aphex Twin - Druqks Disc 1
> Rob Dougan - Chateau
> Juno Reactor vs. Don Davis - Mona Lisa Overdrive
> Juno Reactor - Burly Brawl

Finally read that e-mail from Kelly, it was a good one. She said that Taggart’s coming out story was his thing he told everybody that week. How pathetic. I was kind of wanting some me time, but once I’d finished washing the dishes, copying Kevin’s CDs, vacuuming the house, and searching my room for my wallet I needed some Jordan time. He called me and was going somewhere (Wal-Mart I think), and unfortunately (for my sleep time) I said that I wanted to go so he came and picked me up. I’d lost my battery charger but I found it and I also lost my wallet (I wanted to go pick up my pictures in town). We looked for it for a while and then we just decided to go. He talked me into going into this church thing (the people that own his school preach at this one church) and he owes me big-time for enduring that. People are so blind. Christianity is an exercise in doublethink. God loves you, but he’ll send you to hell if you don’t acknowledge his existence! How rigoddamndiculous. I swear, people are so fucking stupid. But I guess everyone needs a reason to live. Jordan made steps in repayment later in the night, but that was interminable. Church people are really weird. They were so trying to convert me. Sickening. After that ordeal I had Jordan reapeat after me “God doesn’t exist,” and “God is dead.” He’s told me he doesn’t really believe in any of that crap, but it was scary indeed when he pretends. And we listened to NIN’s “heresy” while we drove to Wal-Mart. Jordan had to get a money order to pay his car insurance and we walked to the conditioner aisle–my heaven. I got a new conditioner, I tried it out today and I like it. It’s that Fructis stuff–I think it’s 90% advertising and 10% product, but it smells good and I was out of conditioner anyway. We went back to my house, but the lights were out so it was obviously too late for Jordan to come in, so we hung out in the car for a bit and then Jordan wanted to take me somewhere for a surprise so we drove down to this one place deep in Pacific Shores. We walked down to the beach and Jordan wanted to like run down the beach naked and I’m all “It’s too fucking cold,” which he agreed with seconds later. I would have done it if I hadn’t been so tired. My brain has been stumbling lately, I haven’t been getting much sleep seeing Jordan until 11 or 12 every night. I wish I had my car so I could sleep in until one every other day, but unfortunately… Anyway, Jordan and I had fun on the beach and then he dropped me off and I went to bed. I really wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath, but there just wasn’t time. I have an orthodontist appointment today at 1:30, I’m going to ask them if I have to have my wisdom teeth pulled. I’m so falling asleep. I should just subject myself to Danielle’s e-mail and just get it over with. Oh great. The subtext of this is that her dad wants to “talk to me” before I can come over and get MY bike.

“I don’t know what he wants to say…but still, he told me that he wants to see you in person.”

Fuck that. Molly said it sounded like when Josh wanted to talk to her but wouldn’t say what it was about. I am getting set up and I am not going to play into their trap. If this isn’t resolved soon, I’m coming over next week with my dad and a pair of wire cutters. I don’t care what he wants to say, either I’m getting my bike or I’m getting my bike. I don’t blame Danielle, she’s not responsible for her parents’ weirdness–but still, I’m not going to play into whatever scheme her dad has cooked up for me. I don’t show up at peoples’ houses to get yelled at. Fuck that. I’m not getting set up.

I have class in an hour and a half–I want to take a quick nap but I’m afraid of sleeping through my classes. I should have brought my alarm clock. Gosh, I brought so many books today–I’m so not going to read on all of them. I want to, but I’m too tired. I can’t read when I’m tired. Crap, I’m going to need a nap if I’m going to be able to stay awake through Philosophy. I feel like there’s something I have to do, but I don’t know what it is…hmm…other than–oh yeah, I remember what it was. I was going to talk about something. Molly told me this theory yesterday that I’m a femme fatale, making people fall in love with me and such. I really don’t believe it. I suppose I had some impact on Taggart, but no–not to the depths Molly is insinuating. It’s like–diving into the ocean at a random place, most of the time you’ll never reach the bottom but every once in a while you’ll hit your head. Omg–Jordan makes these big metaphors that make no sense (it’s so cute) and he’s infected me with it. Taggart is inexorably shallow, and I can’t help but stress that enough. He is a whore for attention, it is his sole movitating force. I miss the life-support system for his dick. Hmm. I guess that’s it. I’d better take a nap. I have an hour and twenty minutes.