> Marilyn Manson - Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes “violence for the people / give the kids what they need”
> Placebo - Slackerbitch “slackerbitch / fag-hag whore / such a motherfucking bore”
> Marilyn Manson - The Dope Show [from the live album] “they love you when you’re on all the covers / when you’re not then they love another”
> Deftones - Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)

I’m feeling kind of depressed, which is strange because a few hours ago I was feeling damn perky. I’d been reading Cat’s Cradle, and I’d gotten towards the end–I love that book! There’s this thing in it where Bokonists press their feet together, and this one girl came in (the one that works at Circle J) and she pressed her foot on mine. I don’t know if it was just random of if she’d read the book and was inviting me to boko-maru. My opinion of her would skyrocket if she was attempting boko-maru. I really don’t want to finish it, I have two pages left. And it was sunny today, so reading it was really fun. I was really getting angry at the stupid people in the room carrying on their stupid, quotidian conversations. But I came across this AMAZING line from Cat’s Cradle:

“‘Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before,’ [...] ‘He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.’”

That is SO true. Busy, busy, busy. I love all the little quirks of this book. I could have such deep channels of conversation with someone who was into all the intracasies of this book. See the cat? See the cradle? I like this almost better than Slaughterhouse-Five. It was definitely different than any of his other works.

Well, the reason that I’m depressed is that I talked to Jordan and it’s obvious that I’m the reason we never spend time together any more. I kind of like him–I don’t know. I like him when I’m with him, I like having sex with him–but I don’t really love him. He doesn’t intrigue me. He has no mysteries. He doesn’t have a bookcase in his room. I think that’s the ultimate measure of someone’s… Stupidity isn’t the right word, but it’s the first that comes to mind. I would say ignorance–but ignorance has become fashionable lately. He’s fashionable. I burned a CD tonight, it’s got some good hard rock. I just finished Cat’s Cradle. Damn it, I hate finishing books–becuase once you read them again you know what’s going to happen. Oh well. I’m the complete opposite with movies, I have to see them two or three times before I start to appreciate them. Hm. I think the Drift is a granfaloon. It used to be a karass, I think. And I like the book because there’s an oubliette in it. I like oubliettes.

I feel bad for Jordan. I want to hang out with him. Kind of. We definitely aren’t a durass. Not by any stretch of the imagination. A handy reference on Bokononism, the religion Vonnegut invented for Cat’s Cradle, is here.

http://www.cs.uni.edu/~wallingf/personal/bokonon.html

I like my CD. I need to wash my face and do my nails.

Goddamn everything. I think I just failed my first Biology test, which was completely sprung on me. I did okay–like a 50% at least, but a 50% is still an F. He keeps talking about how we can still pass the class on our lab binders if we do bad on the tests, but I still don’t have the balls to ask him about the lab binders. Goddamn it. He’s all “if you don’t know how to do your lab binders, ask someone in the class about it.” What ever. You ask the class, asshole. Hm. That annoying guy that incessantly plays cards in the student lounge is supposedly in that class. Maybe I’ll talk to him, but most likely I won’t and I’ll let my social phobia make my life a living hell. You know, I actually brought my book and I was going to study a bit, but I didn’t. I would have if I would have known there was a test. I swear, the world hates me. I am in a really bad mood now. Jordan is supposed to call my house and if I don’t answer he’ll come and pick me up. I’m going home with my dad at three. I am not in the mood for anything I don’t like about Jordan. I’m going to eat my icky cookies and read my damn book. I’m getting close to the end. I would be a Bokonist if it was a real religion. Mr. Mize is in my karass, even if he doesn’t know it. He had this thing where we had to write our own question and answer it for ten points, and I was in a really bad mood, so I wrote this rant about how the only thing science accomplishes is destruction. I’ll attempt to reproduce it here–eh–nope, it’s out of my cranium. The end was something like “It’s sad how every scientific endeavor just boils down to the age-old statement: ‘If we don’t use the weapon, someone else will.’” I wonder if he’ll chuckle. If he chuckles, he’s in my karass. If not, then he’s not. I sacrificed ten points to my own anger, but with the lab binder I’m sacrificing 250 points. So the rant was just a drop in the bucket. The bucket being the drops of my “future” that are being chipped away becuase of my anxiety. Fuck everyone. I hate people. Maybe I should check my e-mail.

> Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar

Ten minutes until my class. I swear, if it wasn’t for Jared I wouldn’t be having an attack of people-phobia. I just really hate people. They’re everywhere, from the creepy library people to the hideously obese nursing students in my Biology class, from the raucous smokers out in the courtyard to the all-hating asshole club in the Student Lounge. People annoy me intensely. I can’t wait for class to start. I missed Wednesday and we didn’t have class Monday, so I don’t know what’s going on. I talked to Molly, gave her The Man In The High Castle back and gave her the CDs I made for her. She had to go to lunch with Lapp. I wish I had money, I’m dying for some ersatz sushi from that Circle J place. Well, I must go. This clock says 1:21, but all the clocks here are different, even on the computers. Lame.

When Daniela and I were driving around, a really bad memory came back. We were in the Bookcomber and I noticed they had a little unused cafe attached to the building, and it reminded me of this cafe in downtown Sacramento that Andrew took me to, the True Love Cafe. He even had a shirt from there. It just struck me as some kind of a metaphor–he’ll frequent that place but doesn’t believe in true love, he just uses people. I dunno. It just really depressed me. And I came in here this morning and Molly had written me a note reminding me about the key to the art bathroom. Duh. I felt stupid. But at least I’ll be able to go to the bathroom when the campus is closed. Some girl from the Kerf came in here and woke me up around eleven. She is so dumb, she just comes in here, looks at some envelopes, then leaves. What the fuck? You know, they sell envelopes at the store, so you can look at them whenever you want, dunce. And then Mr. Letko came in, I’m so glad I wasn’t napping. He’s all “I didn’t see you.” I was reading Cat’s Cradle. I’m almost done with it. I’m so out of the Drift circle. I have no idea what’s going on, when the meetings are, when the deadlines are, when layout is, or when the print date is. Sam is horrible at organization. At least with Josh, we had specific meetings at specific times when everyone could attend. I have class at 12:00 on Tuesday. Whatever. I guess he just doesn’t want my article. I was going to try to track him down, but I realized I just don’t care. Oh, it’s sunny! I think I’m going to go outside and eat my apple. Maybe I’ll see if Molly is in her office.

I’m SOO tired but I feel obligated to write a blog post. Eh, fuck it. I’m too tired. I’ll just jot down a few keywords. True love, art key. Elaboration later. I’m taking a nap. I hope I see Molly today, I brought her book and CD. Hmm.