I was cleaning out my binder today and I found the blog post stuff I wrote in there when I was on the bus from Sacramento to Crescent City. I wrote it I think somewhere around January 24th, 2004. It started as a list of keywords to elaborate on later, then I just started writing a post in my binder. Below are the keywords with elaboration, and then later is the post I wrote in my binder. I had been too lazy to type any of this out when I got back–just too much to do. I’m going to retroactively post a note at January 24th to read this post.

Keywords with elaboration after dash:

“Marine World roller coaster” - I was in the bus, and I saw Marine World in Vallejo–it just brought back so many great memories of me and Kelly riding the roller coasters and having great fun–there was this one ride, this ship that would swing back and forth and we rode it like a MILLION times, we had so much fun. It was strange looking at the park again after all the years–how could I have thought that I would have gotten used by Taggart, who would have thought that I would love Kathy and Kelly more than my own father. It was kind of uplifting and depressing at the same time, watching the spire of that one roller coaster, Medusa, that we went on together. Such fun–but all in the past. I just felt like life was just a seesaw–fun and misery, fun and misery–but at that time fun was just a distant memory.

“Kelly hug, ‘When are you coming home?’” - I think these keywords were to remind me of before I left, Kelly and I hugged, and it was like the greatest hug ever. Then later, in the car, Kathy asked me inadvertently “When are you coming home?” referring to her house (and it was so true, that place feels so much like my home.)

“Sexual predator, hurt me again please sir” - I think these two keywords were about how someone had told me Taggart had a reputation for being a sexual predator, and the second about how I wanted him so much I didn’t care if he hurt me–just being close to him was enough. It was so Richard. Only my friend Mindy would get that last sentence, but she doesn’t love me any more, she got married and moved away. I loved Mindy more than anyone, but… Just another misery.

“Requiem for a Dream” - I think this is how I was listening to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack on my trip away from Sacramento and how fitting it was.

“58 pounds over” - no clue what this was supposed to mean.

“Pictures in binder” - I distinctly remember this reference. I was writing in my binder, and I flipped to the pocket in the front, and got out my pictures of Taggart–and just felt this horrible wrenching feeling like someone ripping my heart out, and then I flipped to the next page in the pocket and it was the portrait Jared painted of me, and I just felt this warm, loved feeling. I would have been really depressed if it hadn’t been for that.

[Here is the entry I wrote in my binder]

Hello ladies and germs, I’m writing thisin my binder on the bus. I’ve been listeing to the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack, I just looked at my pictures of me and Taggart–it was a bit melancholy, but when I went to put them back, I saw the paintings Jared painted for me and I just felt this surge of love. Fuck Andrew. Jared knowswhat love is. I love Jared. Yes–in a non-prison-movie way. I hate always having to clarify that. We just stopped ast Sonoma, I’ve been plotting the major cities we stop at in my dad’s GPS. i guess he never uses it, he never asks me for it. I’m gonna try and see if I can get signal. I love Kathy and Kelly so much they are the loving family I n ever had. I didn’t say bye to grammie–I guess that was bad. I don’t love her. Well, I kinda do–in a way. It’s more a mixture of pity and greed that I feel towards her. Nope, not getting any satellite signal. Poop. I change buses in Santa Rosa–I hope it’s like this, only about fifteen people, maybe ten. But I know it won’t be. According to my GPS, it’s 1:44. I think when I redesign my website I’ll hide things around twon and put their latitude and longitude on the website. That would be fun. Okay, time for a CD change. That No Doubt song is good for now. You know, I am actually enjoying this act of writing things on paper. I should get a jornal for if the power goes out or Blogger is down. Or the world ends. That would suck if the world ended, I would have to write single-spaced and on both sides of the paper. Oh…we’re passing a goodwill store–how I wish I could mosey in and find cool stuff. I hate Andrew. I guess it was inevitable, he was right. I only have a few sheets of paper left, so now I’m using front and back. This guy across from me is trying to sleep in these seats. I kind of want to lean over and say “Trust me, it’s impossible.” I’ve been reading Lord of the Flies today, it’s becoming so surreal. IT’s really getting good. I just stopped being bound by the margins. I mean who cares about them. I guess I wasn’t conditioned well enough by the system. I feel a bit sick. The Man in the High Castle is beckoning from my bag, but I’ve lost interest in it. I haven’t given up though. I think I’m gonna work on Lord of the Flies, I’m not getting any younger. And it will be night in a while.

—

I’m in Santa Rosa–almost done with Lord of the Flies. our bus is late–eleven minutes late to be exact. The damn vending machine just ate my dollar. Fuck. You’d think somebody would put an “out of order” sign up. Losers. I was cold so I put on my trenchcoat, but I think I’ll switch back to my blazer when my bus comes. This thing is just too damn bulky. Oh, I should find a pay phone and call my mom! Nah, I’d have to move my bags. They are huge and unwieldy. Fifteen minutes late. This is such Deja Vu. Well, instead of it being really hot it’s really cold. This was all the gods could dream up for originality? God, I shouldn’t incite them to make my life interesting. It’s been damn interesting enough for a LONG while. Twenty minutes late. This is fun. Mauybe I should stop writing this–writing in public is kind of lame–everybody ends up reading it. Damn. I tore a bookmark out of this page. There’s no right margin. I hear diesel–could it be our bus? No such luck. I think I’m going to put this away, this guy is leaning over me.

> Aphex Twin - Cock/Ver 10

I’m researching Freud’s conception of god as a repressed infantile father image for my term paper in Religions of the World, and I came across an interesting analysis:

http://www.carvedhearts.com/archives/000056.shtml

> Velvet Acid Christ - Slut [great song]
> Marilyn Manson - Antichrist Superstar
> Orgy - Fiend [glorious]
> The Chemical Brothers - Come With Us

Had so much fun yesterday–Daniela and I ditched Religions of the World to go eat macaroni and cheese and read Liz’s blog. It’s like–the funniest thing ever. I’ll post the URL later. Political Science was easy–as always. Oh, Tara sat in the back with me and Daniela, it was cool. After class, Daniela went to the gym, and I wandered around for a while. I went around and finished shooting a roll of ISO 200. I ended up talking to Tish and that interminable Deanna for a few hours until Jordan showed up. We hung out for a while, then class started. I’d been salivating for the class all day (and had snuck in during advanced time to clip up the negatives I’d developed last class and put them in sleeves), so I was in the darkroom exactly at 5:40 starting to make enlargements. I made a bunch of prints, they all turned out cool except for my index print–which really sucked, but I didn’t care. It was just too dark to look at in the darkroom, whenever I wanted to study it I had to go out into the light. I made–I’m not sure exactly how many enlargements, but a bunch. I’m almost completely caught up with the amount of negatives I have. All I need to do is go shoot another roll of ISO 200 and I’ll have much more enlargement fodder. It was weird, I was helping everybody else–I just fall into the teacher role, it’s strange. I pick things up too fast for my own good. I’m happy to say I’ve never screwed up a print yet. Well, aferwards Jordan took me home and we cuddled in the car for a while, then I went inside. I got out a bunch of my prints (I did one of my dad and one of his girlfriend, and a few of when we went camping in Marble Mountains (to placate him), so I laid them out on the table before I went to bed. This morning I could tell that they’d been moved and stuff. I wonder if he’ll like them. The print of him that I did turned out really good, I was surprised. I couldn’t tell if it was a flattering picture from the negative (it was a color negative) so I just made a print anyway and it came out really good. The one of Lisa came out remarkably well too. My hair is being crazy so I think I’m going to do a conditioning treatment (Jordan explained how to do one). Oh, after Political Science I went to the Drift meeting and Molly did an exercise on how to write journalism since Kate’s article was so far under par. She wrote this article about a concert that’s going to happen this–well actually today, it’s Friday. I read it and it had SO much potential, so I’m trying to get in touch with her. It wasn’t her fault the article was bad–it’s like one of those you can’t interview yourself things. Damn it, my internet connection just died. I copied and pasted this into a text document so it wouldn’t get lost. I’m making a new CD, it should be cool. It’s kind of a disorganized playlist right now, but I’m listening to it so I know how it’s going to sound. Hm. Oh, I was supposed to go into town today and work with Molly on layout, but I was so exhausted I forgot to set my alarm and my dad never woke me up. Oh well, when I can drive my car things like this won’t happen. Jordan is supposed to come over after work and we’re going to get ready to go to the show. I should get to work on my hair, I want to make it look insane. Well, it’s a punk show–I have to look the part. Perhaps I’ll hair glue myself a mohawk–that would be so gravy. *EEK* The possibilities are endless.

Had Biology, he performed the experiment which he botched on Monday, the enzyme thing. There were some weird results. This one kid in it I swear is gay. He’s one of those ass-kisser know it all geeks, but in a good but vaguely annoying way. The voice, walk, and mannerisms scream subtly “gay.” I have impeccable gaydar. I know it even if they don’t know it yet. This one guy in Biology had amazing boots, I was so jealous, but he was wearing a hideous hedge-green vest so I could definitely console myself. This one lady in Bio is sooo dumb. I mean, the really really fat stupid ladies used to ask a bunch of dumb questions, but they’ve stopped and now this one fifty-ish skinny lady with glasses and long hair has been involved in many a wrong answer. I am constantly amused, because there is this girl in Bio that used to be in my philosophy class, and I saw her writing her “meaning of life” paper, with god every other word. What’s so funny is that she is a flagrant imbecile, which confirms my thesis: those who believe in “god” are supid and weak. I hope someday I’m proven wrong, but she makes me laugh inside every time she gets a bad grade or says a wrong answer. I gain SO much sadistic pleasure from seeing stupid people fail–I don’t think my life would be the same without it. Oh, speaking of–um–tests–yeah, Jordan has been saying that he’s been having like two tests a day at the beauty school, he says it’s been quite arduous. Well, obviously I’m paraphrasing when I use SAT vocabulary, but still. I wonder what the tests are on. Hmm. I couldn’t sleep last night, I was really missing him. We didn’t really get to see each other today, I rode home with my dad at four and he was lazy and decided not to come over. I wasn’t really missing him until late, like twelve or one. I just wanted to hold him. :( But anyway, I ended up starting Bertrand Russell’s A History of Western Philosophy–which to my dismay this morning is this really huge book. It’s got my brain buzzing about the Minoans and the Phoenicians. I think that the Phoenicians are the key to unlocking this mystery of the world that I’ve been trying to unravel. It’s strange, the past is appearing as this epic story in my mind, from the Phoenicians taking written language from the Babylonians and Egyptians, giving it to the Greeks, the descending of the Indo-European language into all its’ forms–the evolution of English into the modern language–my brain is coarsing with knowledge. I really hope I finish A History of Western Philosophy–I would be so much more intelligent. It would be the equivalent of taking Freneau’s class on Western philosophy at a real college. I think we have a test in his Religions of the World on Tuesday. If it’s today I’m going to flagrantly fail it, but I am 100% sure he said Tuesday, and 98% sure he was referring to test day. I saw the weirdest thing on C-SPAN today. They opened the House of Representatives, and then this priest guy got up and started preaching!? I was like, WHAT THE FUCK? While I was sleeping did they take the separation of church and state clause out of the constitution? Fucking bible-thumping conservatives. Fuck them all. They are all talking out their asses. Blah blah blah, “balanced budget”(we haven’t been writing in black ink since the 1830s). Fuck them all. I thought this was edifying, it’s from the U.S. treasury website:

“The total public debt is largely a legacy of war, economic recession, and inflation. It represents the accumulated deficits in the Government’s budgets over the years. The United States first got into debt in 1790 when it assumed the Revolutionary war debts of the Continental Congress. At the end of 1790, the gross public debt was approximately $75 million. For a brief period in the mid-1830’s the public debt was virtually zero. At the start of World War I in 1916, the public debt was $1 billion. It then rose to a peak of $26 billion in 1919 to finance the war. The debt declined for the next decade. During the Great Depression of the 1930’s, however, the debt increased from $16 billion to $42 billion. During the Second World War the public debt rose sharply to a peak of $279 billion in 1946. From its postwar low in 1949, the outstanding public debt grew gradually for nearly the next two decades. Then, beginning at the time of the Vietnam War in the mid-1960’s, the rate of the debt’s increase accelerated sharply.”

http://www.ustreas.gov/education/faq/markets/national-debt.html

But anyway. I can’t wait until photography tonight, I get to develop prints from the negatives I developed last class meeting, and the whole time is pure lab time. I hope everybody leaves but the photography girl and Wyoming Amy. I should find out the photography girl’s name. Oh, Jordan talked to me last night about how distant he’s been lately–he conceded that perhaps he shouldn’t have read my blog. I asked him if he’d read it since the last time (weeks ago) and he’s all “no.” I was all “Well, if you’re going to read it you have to keep up–whenever you read it is just how I’m feeling that day, not forever.” Last time he read it I was pissed at him for the unsavory Valentine’s Day episode. But anyway, he said that he likes going out with me and I agreed that he made me happy too. So I guess that’s all that matters. He’s going to try to get rid of his gunea pig, he says it’s stinking up his room. I felt like saying “That’s what you get when you put rodents in your room. What do you think they’d do, smell like bakery-fresh cinnamon rolls?” But I didn’t. I’ve just been very anti-rodent since I’m reading The Plague. He’s still going to have the hamster though–I’m not thrilled at that. I’m not a fan of rodents, as I said earlier. Mostly I’m not a fan of anything that shits indiscriminately. Wearing my nihilist shirt under my sweater, I’m going to show it to Molly, and the photography girl’s hot friend–I’m going to call him the photography guy, even though he’s not in the class. If he thinks it’s clever I’m so going to have his babies. Damn it, it’s raining again. You know, I used to love the rain, but now that I don’t have shoes, just sandals, I hate it. I used to frolic in the rain when I had normal shoes, but now I have to stay inside or my feet get sopping wet for the rest of the day.

My dad was in a decidedly angst-ridden this morning, watching C-SPAN he blurted out angrily “They’re like heroin addicts–except with money. Money is heroin to them.” Eh, we all have our days when we feel like we have no hope. Mine has lasted eighteen years. I’m kind of depressed because of something I’ve observed. Camus’ novels usually take place around Morocco, Spain, North Africa, and such–because that’s where he’s from. What disturbs me is that I’m from Crescent City. So are all my novels going to revolve around this place? De-fucking-pressing. I had tea this morning (yum, Earl Grey) so I’m going to be wide awake this morning (a rare ocurrence). Perhaps I’ll retire to the library to read, it’s too dark in here with the storm and everything. I think I’m going to ask my political science teacher about the House of Representatives champlain. Perhaps he has a “get out of separation of church and state free card.” I wish I did. Except replace “separation of church of state” with “paying for college.” Random Family Guy joke:

Lois: Did you pay the power bill?
Peter: If by “pay the power bill” you mean “imagine a naked lady,” then yes, Lois, I paid the power bill.

Oh shit, it’s the 26th. I need to re-file my FAFSA. Fuck a monkey. Must make an appointment with Martha Roy.

Took a nap until now, only two people came in, Sam and Amy–luckily no Kerf people. My class starts in about forty minutes. It’s biology, this time without lab. Which is cool. Somebody called for Sam, and I took a message. I should give it to him. I’m kind of hungry, I should eat my lunch. I had a lot of crazy dreams, about almost everyone. But they weren’t weird enough to be scary. They were about Jordan, my old fish Max, my friends–it was cool. There was a bit of a blood undercurrent to them because I’ve been reading The Plague, but it was very bearable. Well, I think I’m going to grab my stuff and go walk around. Oh, Alexis e-mailed me. She’s friends with Tabitha again–how lame. She just keeps coming back for more, that Alexis. She’s bordering on illiterate, and her e-mail (instead of having paragraphs) just had groups of sentences, an indent after each sentence. It was really strange. Well, my class approaches. I’m going to eat my apple and read some more of The Plague.