Monthly Archives: February 2004

0

Read The Trial for a while, I’m decidedly sleepy. But I’m too hungry to sleep. Damn my destitute nature. I need money. I’m a freaking college student, I need money. Something my mom has been talking about is “who is going to support this car?” I’m beginning to see her point. That thing is a bit of a gas guzzler, and I don’t have any money for food, let alone gas. Goddamn my father. He’s such an ignoramus. I want food. I’m going to have Jordan get me food somehow. Only two dollars–actually like $1.50 for a huge roll of French bread. I need to steal some food money from my dad, but I haven’t had an opportunity yet–and as a criminal mastermind I am NOT going to get sloppy. I will starve before I’ll pilfer with the chance of getting caught. It’s just change anyway, and if he wasn’t Scrooge, he’d fucking give me lunch money. Fuckhead. Well, at least the car is registered in my name. I have a home on wheels if Asshole decides to kick me out. I am SO HUNGRY. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I just want some fucking food. And I have to stay here until nine. God fucking damn it, I was so looking forward to open lab night and now I’m not going to be able to do anything because I’m crippled with hunger. Fucking fuck. I’m very angry. And I need to come up with $2.00. Fuck.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 19, 2004 – 2:20 pm
Author:
By A.

0

I was reading Tara’s blog, I wrote her an e-mail. She was wondering if I’d loan her books. I love loaning people books. Well, actually I like talking with people after they’ve read something good ten times more than the actual act of loaning. So anyway. I think I’m going to retire to the outside world to read The Trial. Jordan is supposed to show up at five, I must remember to get my books from his car.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 19, 2004 – 1:00 pm
Author:
By A.

0

I’m realizing more and more how much I hate people. The entire computer room is filled with people, not one free machine. Fuck people. Just got out of American Institutions, I got an A on the test I took Tuesday. Daniela and I had so much fun. There was a gun control question and I was all (in a Charlton Heston voice) “Out of my cold dead hands,” which she’d said the first time she heard the question. It was uber-fun. I read Kafka’s The Trial all through Religions of the World, pausing now and then to jot down a note or two when his droning voice seemed to expound something noteworthy. It’s such a great book, Daniela was impressed that I was reading it. We had some great jokes.

Mr. Owen “You see, before September 11th, states were contracting out their airport security out to ‘Whack ‘n Look Security’”
Daniela: “Wouldn’t it be look and then whack?”
Me: “No, that’s the second part of their buisiness plan–right now it’s whack first and ask questions later.”

SIX PEOPLE FAILED THE TEST. Daniela and I were flabbergasted. We both got As. I told her about the rant I wrote on the open-ended question on my Biology test, she thought it was hilarious. I hope to god I get that test back, I can’t wait to post that rant. OH! Week before last in photography I made a photogram of one of the letters we’d been writing back and forth in Religions OTW, I finally showed it to her today, she LOVED it. She was kind of confused for a second, then realized what it was and laughed. I think I’m going to do a collage photogram of our notes. I think I used a 5.6 aperture at nine seconds to make that one. I should I have written it on the back. Oh well. I can always do a test strip. Tonight is open lab in photography, I can’t wait. I hope everybody but the dedicated people leave really soon, so I can develop my film and make a bunch of prints after it’s done. I think a big feature of the new version of my website will be my photography portfolio. I love photography.

Oh, I went in here to type something clever I thought of. On the phone last night, Jordan was all “I guess waiting makes the heart grow fonder.” And I thought to myself ten minutes ago “Waiting makes me realize you’re an ignoramus.” I thought that was so clever. But then again I think that most of what I think is clever. No, I really don’t. Oh, Daniela and I are going to go to the Brookings library tomorrow, I can’t wait. She’s all “I’m sick of all these dumb people, we need to go to a real library to work on our term papers.” And I’m all “I heard there was a good library in Brookings,” so she’s all “Let’s go.” So I think we’re going to go. I’m going to steal some change from my dad and go to that Judy’s Resale place Molly was talking about. As much as it used to bore me, I’m starting to love The Trial. It’s so crazy…it’s so Kafkaesque. Tonight I’m going to retrieve my books from Jordan’s trunk. I am going to be very angry if they are in a bad condition. Yay, can’t wait for photo lab. I must get working on things, namely my term papers and my article for the Drift.

I have no fucking idea what’s going on in the Drift. Do they want my article? When the fuck do they meet? When is/was the deadline? When is layout? When do they print? Do they even want my help? They’d fucking better. I’m getting graded on Sam’s incompetence.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 19, 2004 – 12:44 pm
Author:
By A.

0

> Hole – Violet
> Placebo – Slackerbitch
> Deftones – Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)
> Marilyn Manson – The Last Day On Earth
> Marilyn Manson – Kiddie Grinder

“The Last Day On Earth” is a good song. It’s sad. Kind of how I feel right now. I don’t get love–I finally find someone that I can really love, but I’m bored out of my mind. Is it eletist to break up with someone because they don’t read? I’d almost rather be alone than be with someone who doesn’t get me. Yes, that was an allusion to The Good Girl. Hm. Boring. I’m supposed to see him today. I’m going to get lipstick all over him, lol. I have to say I look good in black lipstick. There’s a great quote in the library today:

“Half of the American people have never voted for president, and half of the American people have never read a newspaper. One hopes it’s not the same half”

–Gore Vidal

I like Gore Vidal, although I’ve never read anything he’s written. Well, actually that’s not true, he wrote an introduction to Of Human Bondage. Tawna is sitting across from me in the little computer cloister. The computers are in the way. I can only see the tip top of her head.

Last night I ate dinner, washed the dishes, wrote a blog post, and retired to my room to read around seven. I was exhausted. I’d finished Cat’s Cradle before my blog post, so I started reading Franz Kafka’s The Trial again. It’s getting kind of good. I have an anthology of Kafka’s short stories, but the first one was really confusing, so I never started it. I only got it because it had “The Metamorphosis” in it. Hm. I went to sleep around eight, woke up around ten, went back to sleep–woke up again around six. I think I had weird dreams, but nothing too nightmarish. Got ready for school, did my makeup, ate, and twenty minutes later I was in the Drift Office. I was going to work on my story, but the damn Internet didn’t work, so I dragged out my Religions of the World book and started reading. I swear, that author guy says in seven sentences what I could say in one word. But I guess that’s how he gets the big bucks. Ah, I see Mr. Hatfield and the other cronies from the High School. What assholes. I hope they die painful deaths. Like Cancer. Well, Mr. Hadfield’s wife died of cancer, I think. Or she went crazy–something like that. He got his just desserts. (in Nelson from the Simpsons voice) “HA HA.”

Anyway, I have class in an hour. I’m really bored.

“Did you pray to Jesus on that?”
“Yeah, Jesus says take it to the hole!”

Lol. I amuse myself. Perhaps I shouldn’t do it for the world to read. Hmm. Oh yeah, Kelly e-mailed me. I have a reply window open, maybe I should do that instead of jabbering to myself. Typing to myself is like—textual masturbation. Oh, I read the coolest thing in my Religions OTW book, Freud says that God is just a repressed infantile father image. That makes so much sense! Props to you, Freud. I don’t know what that means, but MTV tells me that I will be cool if I say it becuase black people are cool and they say it. I really do amuse myself. “Props.” It makes me smile. Other things I say that make me smile:

Fuck MTV.
It’s because they’re gay.
How homosexual.
This is the best movie ever!
This is the best song ever!
OMG, you listen to Nine Inch Nails?
You listen to Manson too?
Fuck you, Starr/Ashley

Oh, Starr called me last night, she moved to Eureka. THANK THE FUCKING GODS. I love that she’s gone. And I heard Ashley moved to Chico. Mouhahahahaha. The world really isn’t as cruel as I always imagined it to be. There’s Mr. Hatfield again, I want to run up to go him and do a dance around him chanting “Dead wife, dead wife, ha ha ha ha ha ha.” But that would be incredibly rude. But also incredibly amusing–well, to me. God, I amuse myself. Off to write Kelly back.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 19, 2004 – 8:39 am
Author:
By A.

0

> Marilyn Manson – Astonishing Panorama Of The Endtimes “violence for the people / give the kids what they need”
> Placebo – Slackerbitch “slackerbitch / fag-hag whore / such a motherfucking bore”
> Marilyn Manson – The Dope Show [from the live album] “they love you when you’re on all the covers / when you’re not then they love another”
> Deftones – Be Quiet And Drive (Far Away)

I’m feeling kind of depressed, which is strange because a few hours ago I was feeling damn perky. I’d been reading Cat’s Cradle, and I’d gotten towards the end–I love that book! There’s this thing in it where Bokonists press their feet together, and this one girl came in (the one that works at Circle J) and she pressed her foot on mine. I don’t know if it was just random of if she’d read the book and was inviting me to boko-maru. My opinion of her would skyrocket if she was attempting boko-maru. I really don’t want to finish it, I have two pages left. And it was sunny today, so reading it was really fun. I was really getting angry at the stupid people in the room carrying on their stupid, quotidian conversations. But I came across this AMAZING line from Cat’s Cradle:

“‘Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before,’ [...] ‘He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way.’”

That is SO true. Busy, busy, busy. I love all the little quirks of this book. I could have such deep channels of conversation with someone who was into all the intracasies of this book. See the cat? See the cradle? I like this almost better than Slaughterhouse-Five. It was definitely different than any of his other works.

Well, the reason that I’m depressed is that I talked to Jordan and it’s obvious that I’m the reason we never spend time together any more. I kind of like him–I don’t know. I like him when I’m with him, I like having sex with him–but I don’t really love him. He doesn’t intrigue me. He has no mysteries. He doesn’t have a bookcase in his room. I think that’s the ultimate measure of someone’s… Stupidity isn’t the right word, but it’s the first that comes to mind. I would say ignorance–but ignorance has become fashionable lately. He’s fashionable. I burned a CD tonight, it’s got some good hard rock. I just finished Cat’s Cradle. Damn it, I hate finishing books–becuase once you read them again you know what’s going to happen. Oh well. I’m the complete opposite with movies, I have to see them two or three times before I start to appreciate them. Hm. I think the Drift is a granfaloon. It used to be a karass, I think. And I like the book because there’s an oubliette in it. I like oubliettes.

I feel bad for Jordan. I want to hang out with him. Kind of. We definitely aren’t a durass. Not by any stretch of the imagination. A handy reference on Bokononism, the religion Vonnegut invented for Cat’s Cradle, is here.

http://www.cs.uni.edu/~wallingf/personal/bokonon.html

I like my CD. I need to wash my face and do my nails.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 18, 2004 – 6:51 pm
Author:
By A.

0

Goddamn everything. I think I just failed my first Biology test, which was completely sprung on me. I did okay–like a 50% at least, but a 50% is still an F. He keeps talking about how we can still pass the class on our lab binders if we do bad on the tests, but I still don’t have the balls to ask him about the lab binders. Goddamn it. He’s all “if you don’t know how to do your lab binders, ask someone in the class about it.” What ever. You ask the class, asshole. Hm. That annoying guy that incessantly plays cards in the student lounge is supposedly in that class. Maybe I’ll talk to him, but most likely I won’t and I’ll let my social phobia make my life a living hell. You know, I actually brought my book and I was going to study a bit, but I didn’t. I would have if I would have known there was a test. I swear, the world hates me. I am in a really bad mood now. Jordan is supposed to call my house and if I don’t answer he’ll come and pick me up. I’m going home with my dad at three. I am not in the mood for anything I don’t like about Jordan. I’m going to eat my icky cookies and read my damn book. I’m getting close to the end. I would be a Bokonist if it was a real religion. Mr. Mize is in my karass, even if he doesn’t know it. He had this thing where we had to write our own question and answer it for ten points, and I was in a really bad mood, so I wrote this rant about how the only thing science accomplishes is destruction. I’ll attempt to reproduce it here–eh–nope, it’s out of my cranium. The end was something like “It’s sad how every scientific endeavor just boils down to the age-old statement: ‘If we don’t use the weapon, someone else will.’” I wonder if he’ll chuckle. If he chuckles, he’s in my karass. If not, then he’s not. I sacrificed ten points to my own anger, but with the lab binder I’m sacrificing 250 points. So the rant was just a drop in the bucket. The bucket being the drops of my “future” that are being chipped away becuase of my anxiety. Fuck everyone. I hate people. Maybe I should check my e-mail.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 18, 2004 – 2:36 pm
Author:
By A.

0

> Marilyn Manson – Antichrist Superstar

Ten minutes until my class. I swear, if it wasn’t for Jared I wouldn’t be having an attack of people-phobia. I just really hate people. They’re everywhere, from the creepy library people to the hideously obese nursing students in my Biology class, from the raucous smokers out in the courtyard to the all-hating asshole club in the Student Lounge. People annoy me intensely. I can’t wait for class to start. I missed Wednesday and we didn’t have class Monday, so I don’t know what’s going on. I talked to Molly, gave her The Man In The High Castle back and gave her the CDs I made for her. She had to go to lunch with Lapp. I wish I had money, I’m dying for some ersatz sushi from that Circle J place. Well, I must go. This clock says 1:21, but all the clocks here are different, even on the computers. Lame.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 18, 2004 – 1:21 pm
Author:
By A.

0

When Daniela and I were driving around, a really bad memory came back. We were in the Bookcomber and I noticed they had a little unused cafe attached to the building, and it reminded me of this cafe in downtown Sacramento that Andrew took me to, the True Love Cafe. He even had a shirt from there. It just struck me as some kind of a metaphor–he’ll frequent that place but doesn’t believe in true love, he just uses people. I dunno. It just really depressed me. And I came in here this morning and Molly had written me a note reminding me about the key to the art bathroom. Duh. I felt stupid. But at least I’ll be able to go to the bathroom when the campus is closed. Some girl from the Kerf came in here and woke me up around eleven. She is so dumb, she just comes in here, looks at some envelopes, then leaves. What the fuck? You know, they sell envelopes at the store, so you can look at them whenever you want, dunce. And then Mr. Letko came in, I’m so glad I wasn’t napping. He’s all “I didn’t see you.” I was reading Cat’s Cradle. I’m almost done with it. I’m so out of the Drift circle. I have no idea what’s going on, when the meetings are, when the deadlines are, when layout is, or when the print date is. Sam is horrible at organization. At least with Josh, we had specific meetings at specific times when everyone could attend. I have class at 12:00 on Tuesday. Whatever. I guess he just doesn’t want my article. I was going to try to track him down, but I realized I just don’t care. Oh, it’s sunny! I think I’m going to go outside and eat my apple. Maybe I’ll see if Molly is in her office.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 18, 2004 – 12:37 pm
Author:
By A.

0

I’m SOO tired but I feel obligated to write a blog post. Eh, fuck it. I’m too tired. I’ll just jot down a few keywords. True love, art key. Elaboration later. I’m taking a nap. I hope I see Molly today, I brought her book and CD. Hmm.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 18, 2004 – 7:29 am
Author:
By A.

0

Those damn Kerf people have invaded my domain. I was going to go type this in the Drift Office, but a Kerfite was in there. Damn them. Well, except for Sammie and her boyfriend. I’m in the library, Daniela and I so aced the test in American Institutions and then went driving around, she was redecorating her room. We had lots of fun, she just dropped me off at the college. Jordan just showed up, so I’m going to go hang out with him before Photography. I brought my camera so Diane could look at it, and Daniela convinced me to cash the financial aid check I have lying around. She’s right. I need a stereo for my car. And a room makeover.

Categories: Uncategorized

Published:
February 17, 2004 – 4:51 pm
Author:
By A.