> Aphex Twin - Mt. Saint Michael Mix+St. Michaels Mount
> Rammstein - Nebel
> Elastica - S.O.F.T.
> Lipps, INC - Funkytown
> Audioslave - Like A Stone

I am so depressed. I haven’t been this depressed in ages. I tried using the phone to help me feel better–didn’t work. I helped my mom proofread her paper (it came out so great) and that made me feel good for a little while, then I called Kathy and Kelly, but that was kind of depressing because they’re so far away. I’m depressed that I’m through with Jordan. Maybe next time I see him I won’t be so apathetic, but I doubt it. Depression fucking sucks. I was so happy–what happened? I called Mindy after I called Kathy and Kelly–big mistake. I ended up using up a shitload of minutes on my calling card and feeling even more depressed. I started eating sugar cubes about ten minutes ago–a futile attempt at self-medication. Why am I so depressed? God. I guess it’s partly because of the less than perfect conversation with Daniela on the way up from Arcata. I called her to tell her that I accidentally grabbed one of her books, and she was all “Ok, bye.” Depressing. That whole episode with Mindy–I just wanted to blurt things out. Here’s a boiled-down version of how the conversation went:

Mindy: Oh hi, we’re moving to Reno, Garrett (her husband) got a job there.

Me: Gosh, that’s much further away.

Mindy: Yeah…

Me: Well–when we were 30 minutes apart we didn’t see each other either.

Mindy: I just don’t know my way around town–I know my way to the bank to deposit my check, the way to the mall, and the way to Domino’s.

Me [what I wanted to say] Gosh…it’s too bad you don’t know your way around. I guess the only one who does is Garrett. It’s probably because you’re a woman–I mean, how is a woman supposed to do anything without a man? How is it like to be a prisoner in your own house? Why wouldn’t you risk getting lost to see a supposedly good friend? I would. Are you really that dumb that you can’t find your way to SACRAMENTO? How sad.

Me [what I really said]: That sucks. I guess I’ll try to visit if I ever get my license [probably a lie].

Um–more small talk–lies about e-mailing her. Now I’m committed to e-mailing her and I know it will just depress me, sniffing about this corpse of a relationship. Daniela was my ersatz Mindy, Taggart was my ersatz Richard. I’m never going to be free. I’m never going to overcome. Every time I think I can, something just rips the heart strings apart. I thought this post was going to be longer, but there’s not much to say. I hope something happens that will assuage this loneliness. I think the main pyre of this black inferno of depression is the fact that I will never be satisfied with just “love,” which Jordan provides. I want intellect. Intellect. Pure, unadulterated thought. Abstractions. Concepts. Ideas. Debate. Logic. Logos. Philosophy. An exchange of ideas. I get nothing. I get fucking and cuddling. I get a person to hang out with all the time. I get nothing I want. I just want something I can never have. I need a goth boi. I don’t care how big of a poser he is. I want someone who at least pretends to appreciate Poe, Hawthorne, Huxley, Orwell, Rand, and Freud. GOD DAMN EVERYTHING.

Funkytown is on–that’s my song. It was written about New York, I want to move there so bad. I’m going to die in this place. Everything and everyone I love is somewhere else. I need to get a job. Maybe then I won’t feel so depressed, I’d have money to spend on happy movies. I could watch Gattaca right now and not feel bad in the least. Well I would, but it would be a glorious reverie of blackness instead of the suffocating pitch-black dead star that it is now.

I feel like Jared–reveling in a poetic abyss. I feel like an emo kid “I’m so depressed.. LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME.” I don’t want anyone to look at me. So I’m having a bad day, everybody does. I very rarely at all complain about being depressed, but when I do everyone thinks it’s some fucking act for attention. When people start asking me what’s wrong, I tell them I’m fine, I’m happy. Everybody is happy. (Yes, that was a Brave New World allusion.) How could I even start saying what’s wrong with the world? Maybe I could start at the beginning. I’m going to brainstorm for a novela. Does that mean short story? I don’t know. It sounds good.

Didn’t brainstorm–just ate rasins and watched TV. It’s cold. I don’t know what to do.

> Deftones - My Own Summer (Shove It)
> Marilyn Manson - The Golden Age of Grotesque
> Marilyn Manson - (s)AINT

Just got back from me and Daniela’s trip to Eureka/Arcata, it was so fun. First thing we did was go to HSU and look for EDWARD!!!! We couldn’t find anywhere to park but we drove around for a long time looking for him. We tried looking in the phone book, but he wasn’t listed. :( We looked for him the whole trip. We got hungry, so we went to the Arcata plaza and went around all the little shops, stopping to eat at this pizza place a few blocks off the plaza. We had this Mediteranean pizza–it was SO good. After that we wandered around the shops a bit more then we found this cool used bookstore, Tin Can Mailman. I got three great books! I got a different old edition of Brave New World, a copy of The Future of an Illusion, and a copy of Patrick Suskind’s Perfume. Jared raved to me about Perfume, I trust him as a judge of a book’s merit. Then we went to Humboldt Bay Coffee Company and hung out drinking coffee and reading books like faux-bohemians. I was reading Freud’s The Future of an Illusion and Daniela couldn’t stop making jokes at Freud’s expense. She thinks he has no merit as a psychologist. I think the lunacy of that statement speaks for itself. We were being so loud though, we are such avid conversationalists. After that I think we went to the mall and I saw these Doc Martens–they were so gravy–I wanted them so bad but they were $100. Daniela was building her outfit as we went with pink fishnets from Hot Topic, pink star earrings at Claire’s and she got her nails painted obnoxious Barbie pink at the nail place. I got a Nine Inch Nails patch for my bag from Hot Topic. We planned to go to the club, so we drove around and found a motel, then went inside got all dolled up. It was around ten thirty when we started walking over to the club. We eventually got there, and it was CLOSED!! They moved Industrial night to Fridays. Angryness. So we walked back and were all “we’re going to Arcata, there’s got to be something happening there” so we went to the plaza and everything was closed. We tried to get back to highway but it was dark and we got SO lost! There was this roundabout and we kept screaming “we’re going to die! we’re going to die!” Then we got on some WEIRD road going through the middle of nowhere, and as we got closer to Eureka there were these HUGE SCARY NARROW BRIDGES! We’re all “WHAT THE FUCK? WHY IS THERE A BRIDGE HERE?” It was the middle of the night and we’re all “WE’RE GOING TO DIE!!!’ And so we screamed all the way across the bridges–it was so funny. We were so lost, but we found the hotel again and went up to our room. We took pictures of each others’ outfits, then we watched a movie–I think it was called Catch Me If You Can or something like that. It was entertaining. Daniela fell asleep halfway through the movie, I went to sleep after it. It was around one. We woke up in the morning (9-ish) kind of in a tired mood–it was raining so we were all “Well, let’s just go home–there’s nothing else we want to do here.” So we did. Okay conversation on the way home (but orgasmic conversation compared with the Crescent City-ite drivel conversations)–we were tired. A bit of a stumbling block across the issues of GSM cell phone standardization, the army, and the wording of the phrase “Bush subourns the killing women on principle” to describe his fanatical anti-abortion bills. But OMG OMG OMG her “boyfriend” Baron (big airquotes around boyfriend) likes Nadja!!!! Baron is the coolest person ever. She dropped me off at my house and went to go work a shift at the store. We never did see Edward (tear). I left a message on my mom’s cell phone that I was going somewhere, but she didn’t get it so I had all these crazy “Where are you?” messages on my e-mail. Nothing from Taggart though, strange.