> Hocico - Silent Wrath
> Placebo - Blue American
> Marilyn Manson - Coma White
“Silent Wrath” is like–the best fucking song ever. I fucking love Hocico. Watched MadTV until twelve, I’m much closer to the end of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Um–I’m going to e-mail Molly back. Oh god–I saw this cat through the sliding glass door–I went over to try to pet him but he had this huge puncture wound in his head–I felt so sorry for him, I wanted so bad to coax him inside and dress the wound, at least disinfect it–but when I tried to open the sliding glass door he just left. I felt so horrible. It was such a metaphor. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing in this life. I want to consiously believe what I secretly know is true–that we’re just bunches of cells that banded together to consume more energy–that we’re a hiccup in entropy–something not meant to be. We mean nothing and could be extinguished in a second. But I can’t stop clinging to my ideals. I’ve brought myself to admit that there is no justice and no truth, but I can’t surge ahead into the rest of the rejection of idealism. It would make life meaningless. But it is meaningless. Therein lies the problem. I’m kind of making a suicide CD–I’m sick of all my other music. Depressing songs seem to suit me more. I need a big canvas. I’m going to go insane. I need to get all this emotion out. I am sick of sounding like some weepy mall goth, but I am depressed and need to paint. And I have no money for a canvas. My depression CD is almost complete…here’s the track listing.
Hocico - Silent Wrath
Marilyn Manson - Coma White
Nine Inch Nails - La Mer
Marilyn Manson - Para-noir
Placebo - I Know
Chester Benningham of Linkin Park - System (from the Queen of the Damned soundtrack)
Garbage - Cup of Coffee
Marilyn Manson - The Last Day On Earth
OK Go - Shortly Before the End
Weezer - Buddy Holly (this was me and Mindy’s song, hence, depressing. Emphasis on was.)
Bj�rk - Pagan Poetry
Garbage - Nobody Loves You
Placebo - Without You I’m Nothing
Garbage - The Trick is to Keep Breathing
Sarah McLachlan - Posession
Nine Inch Nails - A Warm Place
White Town - Your Woman
I want to burn it, but I’d have to get offline, and I don’t want to. It’s 1:04–I should though. I want Gattaca. I want a future to live for. I want–I don’t know what I want. I’m afraid I’m hurting Jordan. I’ve been so mean to him. He’s given so much–how could I hate him? I just don’t want this to end…I don’t want to be the bad guy. So we don’t have similar interests–oh who am I kidding. I’m going to propose a book night where we just get together and read. He says he never has time to read at his house, so I’ll give him a reading environment. If he wasn’t lying about wanting to read, he’ll take the opportunity. If he finds Brave New World boring, I’ll lend him Voltaire’s Candide. No person on this earth–with the possible exception of the Marquis de Sade–could be bored by Candide. Or by Vonnegut. Vonnegut will be my next choice if Voltaire fails. And if reading night fails, I fear our entire relationship will go down the toilet with it as well. I just can’t stand him not knowing anything. I now take it as my personal responsibility to cram art, philosophy, and 21st century thought into him whether he likes it or not. I just can’t stand how he doesn’t know things.
Daniela isn’t mad at me, she called me today to inform me she found out the solution to one of our enigmas, what this one guy Jeff was going to do at twelve the night we went to the casino. It was his 30-year-old girlfriend. Daniela made some great Odeipal complex jokes–which is ironic considering how much Freud irks her.
I’ve been meditating on what I didn’t like about our conversation on the way up–and I think the main vein of it is that she will defend positions that she doesn’t agree with. I know that it is the mark of an educated mind to entertain an idea without accepting it, but she takes it to an extreme. But at least the conversation made me ponder its content for days–unlike my conversations with the rest of the world, to which I meditate on for probably about ten seconds. Stupidity is the bane of the world. I wish I had long hair. I’m going to post this and go to sleep because I have to go to the bathroom.
I don’t know whether I mentioned this before, but I heard the imbecile Liz took her blog offline or changed the address. How sad. Probably changed the address. Well, I’m off. And not in that way.
