the diary of antoine roquentin

> Elastica – Hold Me Now
> Marilyn Manson – The Dope Show
> Placebo – Commercial For Levi
> Garbage – Drive You Home
> OK Go – What To Do?

It’s 5:51, and I’m talking to my mom online. I’m in the living room fixing my blog (the archive links don’t work) and my website (the ‘page not found’ page is malfunctioning). My dad said some crap about me being online all last night, which is complete crap. Well, maybe not. All the days are blending together. My mom says she sent me money and a new phone card, which is gravy. I’m really in love with this template now. I was supposed to call Kelly last night, but I was in glorious dreamland. I think I had a dream with Molly in it, my last memory from my dream is something about I think it was Molly picking up a beeping phone (which turned out when I woke up to be the phone in my room). My dad says that the phone was off the hook all last night, maybe someone called me after I went to sleep at two and I just didn’t hang up the phone right. Maybe it was Jordan. Maybe I cursed him. That would be cool. Especially since I didn’t remember. It would be such an ingenious plot device in the poorly written screenplay that is my life.

My mom wants me to proofread one of her papers. I love the time difference, she’ll have it done by eleven, right when I was planning on leaving and going to the college. I had to look up some words from that Reading Popular Culture book, I thought I’d list them.

artifice – fake-ness
fin de siecle – French, “end of the century,” meaning the trends of the end of the 19th century
equipoise – equilibrium
liminal – the sensory threshold, barely perceptible
neurasthenia – an emotional disorder characterized by fatigue, inadequacy, and psychosomatic symptoms
redolent – aromatic, evocative, suggestive

I probably won’t use “fin de siecle” until I’m in graduate school. How sad. I don’t know how to insert “e”s with accents on them. Lame. Well, I’m going to go work on stuff, and maybe take a shower.

Categories: Uncategorized

> Deadstar Assembly – Send Me An Angel
> Monster Magnet – Space Lord
> Marilyn Manson – Born Again
> Garbage – Temptation Waits
> Elastica – Annie

I’m kind of bored, I just woke up (it’s 2:38). I’m talking to Jon. It’s weird, when I have a boyfriend he’s single and when I’m single he has a boyfriend. I’m showing him my website. I wonder what he’ll think of it. I’m logging on to xy to see his picture again. Actually, I’m mostly editing my profile to point to my new web site. I need to do that on Mogenic too. I’ve met some really cool people on xy. I think I met Jeff off of xy. Oh, and I should update my picture too. Hm.

Me and Jon’s conversation is dead, we never really have anything to talk about except for sexual anecdotes. I’m asking him if he’s had sex with his bf. OMG he hasn’t had sex with him. It’s one of those sham relationships. Glorious. I never thought he was that naive. Hm. I kind of have to go to the bathroom, but this is quite entertaining. Lol, “We will do it, but it’s only been a week.” How freaking lame. I would say that the basis of relationships is mutual trust and all that BS but the truth is that it’s sexual attraction that is the basis for relationships, at least in my book. Eek, Space Lord is on! I love that song. Monster Magnet is my god. That reminds me of something. There was a Monster Magnet album in my uncle Gary’s study. Later that trip, I wanted someone to go with me to the Manson concert that was in that city, and they were all “No, that’s too WEIRD. Twiggy Ramirez, the bassist for Manson at that period, is friends with the lead singer of Monster Magnet. He was even in one of their videos (the video for Space Lord). So screw you Gary, you hypocrite. OH GOD, this is one of the best lines of bullshit I’ve ever been privvy to:

dariusofthedark: so..have you had sex with your bf?
TrySomethingWild: no
dariusofthedark: why not
TrySomethingWild: bc that’s not what i’m after in a relationship, and neither is he
TrySomethingWild: we will do it, but it’s only been a week
dariusofthedark: ah
dariusofthedark: so you’ve only like, made out
TrySomethingWild: plus, i’m getting over my cold, and i don’t want to be sick during sex. i want to be able be at my best
TrySomethingWild: no, he’s not aggressive like that. when we kiss it’s w/ passion
dariusofthedark: ah

PASSION? PASSION? I’m about to have a bullshit-gasm. I’m almost as entertained as when I was watching those guys on cam last night. Oh god, this is great:

TrySomethingWild: it’s a great feeling, and i don’t want to destroy that w/ sexual feelings each time. it’s bad and embarrassing enough that i get a hard-on when we kiss, or when he’s close to me, as in like while he’s holding me and kissing me

GOD FORBID YOU’D GET A HARD-ON KISSING YOUR BOYFRIEND! This is better than TV. Actually this should be televised. Next on NaiveTV: “Jon: the kid that thinks that relationships don’t involve sex.” And after that: “Liz: the girl that couldn’t think.”

I’m bored with him. Back to my profile. Damn, I don’t have my new profile pic. I could get it off the Net, but that would take a crapload of time. My internet connection is INEXORABLY slow. Well, at least there’s a silver lining to this cloud. When his boyfriend breaks up with him, he’ll probably be all desparate. Two words: pity fuck. Lol, not really. With the lights out I’m sure he’d be quite attractive. Not even lights out, maybe candle-light. One candle. Something like that.

OW! I just stretched and my back snapped like a pretzel. Well, it didn’t snap, but it still felt like someone impaled my spine with an ice-pick. Hm. I can’t think of anything else to say to Jon. Oh, I’m browsing profiles and I just hit the profile of this one guy I used to talk to who convinced me to get my kilt. I should so talk to him again. I forget what his username was.

Hmm…oh, my Blogger profile says I’m really close to 200,000 words! I’m going to have a celebration when I get to 200,000. Oh cool, I remember his IM username. He’s on my list. He hasn’t been online in a while. My picture is so old, I need to change it. I look like a twelve-year-old boy. Oh god, today I thought I saw that freak Starr, but it was just this girl from the high school. I’m so glad Starr has dark skin, I can pick her out of the crowd better. I think if there were one reason for me to turn racist, it would be her. That girl is so crazy. I think she moved to Eureka or something. Eww, Jon has the most revolting picture on his profile. He used to have a better one. But I guess I have a revolting picture on my profile too. Well, when I develop the film I developed last photography class (a bunch of strange self-portraits) I’ll have some cool pictures of myself. I need a damn tripod that moves in three dimensions instead of just one. I can only take landscape shots with it, I can’t turn he camera on its’ side. Lame. But I was able to get some shots that would have been difficult without it. I want to get up and look at those negatives, but that would involve getting out of my nice warm comfortable bed. Hm. I’m getting up. Actually, I have to go to the bathroom so I’m going to do two things at once. I’m back, looking at those negatives. Wow, I got some really good shots. I can’t wait to make prints of them. Oh, this is classic:

TrySomethingWild: well, i’m tired, and i need to get some sleep. it’s been a long day, and I miss my Zeb. going to sleep will make time go by faster, and that way I can see him sooner. so I’ll talk to you later. nightly night

Is he three years old? How sad. It would be even sadder if they lasted a long time. I hope I’m right. Well, if Oscar Wilde says that the shallow know themselves, perhaps the shallow can know each other too. Sad. I think with intelligence comes the difference between characters in books and people in real life. Real, intelligent people cannot be characters in books. People are too complex to generalize their motives like that. Shallow people, on the other hand, I think can be easily transferred to print. I really want to take Molly’s creative writing class, because I want to start writing novels. Poop. I’m never going to do what I want. I am going to call the clinic tomorrow and set up an appointment. I’ve been wallowing in self-pity too long. I need to get that shit checked out. HOLY CRAP, one of my pictures just fell off the wall. Scary. Oh, woke out of this strange dream to this beeping sound, which I later identified as my phone. I don’t know why it was beeping, but I pushed the “end call” button and put it pack on the charger and it stopped beeping. Weird. Well, I think I’m going to read some lesbian celebrity fantasy porn stories at nifty.org. It’s sad, the things I stoop to for entertainment. The stories about Britney Spears are the best. If you want to be disturbed, go to the gay section and click on ‘celebrity.’ There are literally millions of them about the Lord Of The Rings characters. Scary shit. Well, I’m off to search the web for entertainment.

Categories: Uncategorized

Great. No e-mails. I’m sure special. I went to Brookings and got back here right on time (12:00) to meet Molly, and she’s not here. I was aghast at who was here though: Amy. If I wasn’t half-asleep I’d be having a conversation with her. I wonder if she thinks I’m writing my story. I hope she knows why I’m here, because I sure as hell don’t. The sad truth is that I have nowhere else to be and I’d be asleep if I wasn’t doing things to stay awake. They didn’t have anything I’d ever wear at Fred Meyer’s, as was to be expected. It didn’t dawn on me that they would have a crapload of “summer” clothes. Screw season-based fashion changes. I dress the same all the time. These trendy losers need to learn CONSISTENCY.

They had Dickies, but I don’t like Dickies. They are made out of plastic and don’t fit me right. Well, aside from my abysmal trip to Brookings, at least I accomplished knowing that there’s no clothing there. Actually it wasn’t so bad, it was kind of like a mental health trip. I got to ride the escalators and remember what it was like to go up there every week and shop, away from the horror that is Wal-Mart and the Stalingrad of banality that is Safeway. I didn’t buy anything, though. I hope Molly gets me a coffee drink because I’m losing steam. The coma is setting in. The reality of another semester without seeing my family is setting in. Hell is setting in. And I have no coping strategy.

Categories: Uncategorized

> :wumpscut: – In Der Nacht
> Third Eye Blind – How’s It Gonna Be
> Lords of Acid – Cybersex

This is my first post on my new server! I’m not quite sure about the template, it could use some sprucing up, but I put a lot of hours into it and for now this is just going to have to cut it for a while at least.

My ad-free website is so worth the ten bucks a month. My bills are piling up though, I have a $60 DMV fee and the $75 for my insurance, not to mention my dire need for gas money. My mom said she’d send me some money last time I talked to her. I hope she does.

Well, I had such a fun night! I LOVE CYBERSEX. I got to watch Jeff and Haydentobias pleasure themselves on cam. Cybersex is like TV times ten. It’s interactive, it’s porn, it’s TV-esque, it’s lots of fun. And the best thing is you don’t get HIV. I am going to become a webcam slut. My friend Jeff had upwards of 20 viewers tonight. Technology fucking rocks. Well, between orgasms, I coded my Blogger template. I will be SO happy if I never see another hexadecimal color code.

Oh, I talked to my cousin Kelly tonight, we had such an uber-great conversation. I WANT TO GO TO SACRAMENTO SO BAD!!!! I just want to drop my summer classes and drive down there. But I can’t, I need to work all summer so I can afford my car during the school year. The world completely sucks. I want to hang out down there SO BAD! It sucks, they get out of school around June 7, when summer session starts here. I was wondering if I could take classes at the college there, it would be really cool. But I would need to get a job anyway, gas doesn’t grow on trees. And I would be very scared if it did. The world sucks. I know I’m not going to be able to see Kelly & company until next winter. Everything sucks. But I guess it’s a good thing in that I won’t see Taggart. But it’s bad because I can’t hang out with Jeff. Jeff is so cool. He’s the well-read webcam boi that I need for a friend. He sure loves reading my blog. He’s probably reading this now. Hmm. This song is so gravy, “In Der Nacht” by :wumpscut:. Hmm. Now I can’t think of anything to say. There’s a function on Blogger where I can upload stuff to my server. It’s so cool.

I should host everybody’s blog here on my website! Oh…that would mean giving everyone my ftp password. That’s not a good plan. Eh, I guess they don’t really care about the ads that much. I’m supposed to have “subdomains,” although I really don’t get what you do with them. I’ll have to discover that today. I should get to sleep, but I know I won’t get up before three. Oh, Jordan called me this morning at like two (in the afternoon) and was asking me all this bullshit about being friends. A word of advice, if you’re calling to talk about serious things to me, don’t wake me up. I am my most frank when you wake me up. I’ll tell you straight up that you annoy the shit out of me. And that’s what I did. I wonder when we’ll give each other our keys to our cars back. Eh, I’ll let him call me. I’ll wait a week or so. He still maintained I changed my blogaddress, which I DID NOT DO UNTIL TODAY. And there are like five links from my old blog to the new one. Loser.

Um, forgot to e-mail Molly. I should do that now. That job at the newspaper is my only hope in paying my bills. That DMV thing is due by June twenty-something. Well, off to e-mail Molly and then go to sleep.

Categories: Uncategorized

Hello loyal readers, my new blog address is:

http://www.retroviral.net/blog.html

When it’s hosted on my website, it doesn’t have ads, that’s mostly why I’m moving it.

Update your links!

Categories: Uncategorized