The Diary of Antoine Roquentin

> Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts
> Placebo - Bulletproof Cupid

I’m quite far from my monitor, so far that I can’t read the screen very well, so this is probably going to be ridden with spelling errors and such, but I don’t care. I don’t know why, but I threw my shoulder out today–it hurts like hell. It doesn’t hurt as much as it did before, but I have to keep my head at an angle to make it not hurt. Well, I was really bored this morning, my mom woke me up calling me. I just made the text in notepad large so I can read it. Well, we talked for a bit, she said that she was going to send me one of her papers to proofread later in the day. I started playing around with the digital camera, and went online to check my e-mail and my online banking. My mom deposited $40 in my account, and it was there. Taggart was online, we talked for a little bit, and I realized that I should get out and do something. I’d been needing a new CD case for a while (all my CDs are getting more and more scratched in my car) so I decided to go into town, fill up my tank, and get a new CD case. Before this, Jordan had called me, and he said that we could exchange keys at Kellogg Beach Sunday. I dislike him intensely. Well, I went into town and took forty out of the ATM, and went to wal-mart for my CD case. I got a 100-CD case and put all my CDs in it in my car. I then went to Gas 4 Less and put twenty in my tank. I was driving home when I saw Kevin walking. It’s one of those split-second “should I stop? did he see me?” things, but I decided to stop. We talked for a bit, then drove down to the lake (his destination). Talked more, he’s supposedly moving to New Orleans (such bullshit, I have honed my bullshit-o-meter around him) and that he’s obsesed with Photography. He’s always obsessed with whatever I seem to be doing lately. It’s really sad. But anyway, I took some pictures of the lake, then we decided to go to Endert’s Beach. I drove back into town, and started feeling not right in my gastrointestinal-ness. I was dehydrated so I drove around for a while trying to find a fast food place–I was tired so I kept driving around in circles. I was really lucky though, because Sammie and Steve were driving around in the same parking lot we were, so we stopped and said hi. They were going to KidTown to hang out, so I said that we’d go too. I got a diet pepsi at KFC, I need to go to a place where I can say “Diet Coke extra large.” I love spouting Doom Generation-isms.

Kevin and I eventually made our way to KidTown, and I took a much-needed voyage to the restroom. There was this thing that blew air and was really loud, it was like a fecal funhouse from hell. We met Sammie, Steve, and Tawna a bit later. I was verbally flirting with Kevin, but I do that with everyone, but it’s kind of worse because Kevin likes me. I am so not ever going with Kevin. Even if he wasn’t fat. He lies–constantly. Well, he talked about Arcata’s gay pride festival, and it’s tomorrow, so he suggested that we go. I was up for it, and I had a full tank of gas, so I’m all “sure!” So we’re going tomorrow with Ben. Since Kevin is so perpetually full of shit, I called Ben to make sure that he was indeed going. Stephanie Noble answered the phone, which was cool. I’d never talked to her on the phone before. She’s coming too, I guess. I really want to blow them all off and go with Sammie and Tawna, but I’d already committed to going with Kevin and Ben. At least I’ll have Ben to hide from the queers behind. I’m really scared of the cross-dressing freaks. I’m really conservative, although I don’t seem like it.

I mean, people that are different are one thing, but people that are covered in garish makeup that are SCREAMING at you is a different matter entirely. I hope it doesn’t scar me for life.On the good news side, my poison ivy/oak or whatever it was is going away. I’m pretty sure it’s poison something, because the symptoms that I read about were exactly what happened, and the timetable was perfectly in sync with when we went camping. I like this song, “Bulletproof Cupid,” mostly because it’s instrumental and has no banal lyrics. I think I’ve said that before, but it needs to be emphasized. This CD is so hackneyed, but I guess that’s what they were going for this time, a copy of all their old work. As I was listening to it, I just kept going “Ah, here’s a copy of Special K with different lyrics and guitars, here’s a copy of Haemoglobin with different lyrics and guitars.” So sad. Poor little Brian Molko. Oh well.

I called Jon today but he wasn’t home, I left a message. I should be asleep right now, I have to get up at eight. But I have to blog. Blogging this day takes precedent over sleep. Well anyway, we were at KidTown, and Steve was teaching some guys how to use swords. One would have been cute if he was dressed tastefully. I fucking swear, I need to start giving fashion lessons. But anyway, we played around with this Nerf crossbow and some fake swords. It was cool. After a while, we left. I went back to Kevin’s house, and he plopped me in front of this weird Kung-Fu movie. He kept getting closer and closer to me, so I made up my mind to (in Amy Blue voice) “evacuate.” When I finally do talk to Jordan, I hope to be mean to him. I think that it will ameliorate my life. I’ve been fucked over so many times, it’s so viscerally satisfying to fuck someone else over, especially such scum as Jordan. I should start writing things in script form, so I’m going to write how I want this to transpire:

[Scene: Kellogg Beach. There is a medium parking lot on one side of the dunes, the ocean on the other. A slow yet cold breeze is blowing. I'm in my car listening to Placebo. I see Jordan's car on the horizon. I get out and prepare for the onslaught. He parks right by the passenger's side of my car. He gets out, looking pathetic. He's dressed in some wannabe rapper Wal-Mart special. I look confrontational]

Jordan: “Hi” [I roll my eyes.]
Me:” Do you have my key?” [He takes it out of his pocket, but doesn't look like he is all too eager to give it to me. He walks around my car, and invades my space. I step back. Jordan starts to cry.]

Me: “Shit, who pissed in your fruit loops?”

Jordan: “Why don’t you want to hang out any more?”

Me: “Because you are a fucking idiot.”

Jordan: “No I’m not–just because I haven’t read as many books as you or know as many words, that doesn’t make me stupid.”

Me: “Fuck, yes it does! How the fuck do you think one becomes smarter? It doesn’t happen by trying to fuck everything that moves, or you’d be the smartest loser in the world. It’s by reading books, which expand your vocabulary. Oh–vocabulary–do I have to use monosyllabic words now? Oh, there I go again with the big words. Maybe I can get some inbred Crescent City-ite to translate this into Dumbspeak.”

Jordan: “You bastard.” [Tears in his eyes, he punches me, a big right hook. He hits me in the eye.]

Me: “What the fuck was that? [I charge forward and knock him down. He pins me.]

Me: “You are such a piece of shit. What are you going to do now, force me to fuck you? [screaming] Huh?” [he releases me, and I grab the key that he dropped when he went to punch me. I throw his key at him, it hits him in the chest.]

Jordan: All you ever think about is you–that’s all you care about!”

Me: “You’re right–who am I supposed to care about? You? [I start laughing] “You sicken me. You have no soul.”

Jordan: All you care about is yourself: you, you, you. I loved you, and you pushed me away.

Me: “You never loved me. To love someone is to connect with them on the highest intellectual levels, with sex being the greatest epression of that contact. Your version of love is that of animals. [I get into my car] Continued fucking is your version of love. I’m not even going to use that word. You disgust me. [I slam my car door, start my car, and drive away.]

Yes, I know, the dialogue didn’t really fit together, I was just trying to correlate what I want to say to him and what he would say to me. I don’t think the meeting will have any sort of impact on me whatsoever, except for simple and universal disgust for his being. He already revolts me.

Well, I’m going to go to sleep. I’m going to stop by his house on the way out of town to attempt to get my key back. If he’s not there, I’ll leave a message for him that I’m not going to meet him.

Oh, about the Kevin thing–I said that I was going to go home when he started sitting next to me, and I called Ben after I got home. He’s going, so I’m going. I called my mom, I have to proofread one of her papers this morning at like eight my time. She’s going to call and wake me up. I never did get ahold of Jon. I really want to have sex with him–strictly a lights-out deal. He as become less ape-ish as he’s matured. Tawna disapproves of the whole me-Jon thing, but I think that’s because she hasn’t seen him in a long time. I saw him a few months ago, and he was passably handsome. I wouldn’t want to see him naked, but still–for a pity fuck, he would be a good candidate. God, I’m so–Taggart-ish. Well, I think the difference between me and Taggart is that when I talk about pity-fucks and such I’m kind of joking with myself, but Taggart doesn’t even give his paramours labels like that. To him, everyone is a nameless puppet for his amusement. Oh, I talked to Kelly today, she’s doing okay. I’m coming down for this Trash Film Orgy thing. It should be sweet. I swear, I spend money like I’m pouring it into a sieve. Oh well. I could die tomorrow and I would want to have gone to Pride. Sweet, I got onto the Humboldt Pride website. When Kevin is involved with anything, I have to verify all the details.

Ah yes, it is tomorrow. I wish I could make Molly into a teenager again to go with me. God, I’m going to be Molly’s age one day. I wonder where I’ll be then. I can’t imagine it. Crap, it’s almost one in the morning. I simply must get to sleep. I downloaded this video from this website where people post videos of themselves, and this one dude is so hot, he wears these geek glasses. I love him. I wonder what he’s like. Maybe I should find his profile on that site and e-mail him. I shouldn’t though–he looks too old for me, like in his early twenties. But he’s so cute! I feel like I kind of know him since I’ve seen him masturbate. It’ just one of those things. Oh well. Maybe I’ll find the love of my life at the parade. LOL, yeah right. I’ve watched Casablanca too many times. All that Bogart shit–the Breakfast at Tiffany’s crap, it’s so unreal. Real love is never like that. If real love ever exists. Hm.

I want to trick out my car, spraypaint the inside paneling black, spraypaint the outside black, put furry uphostery everywhere, fill the dashboard with quirky stuff and tea-lights, but I don’t have the money and I don’t feel like I can go to town since I didn’t really buy the car. I must stop listening to peppy music. Must listen to fall-asleep music. But I don’t own any. Massive Attack is the closest I get, and I don’t have my Massive Attack mp3s on this computer. Well, a weekend that was going to be boring as hell just took a turn for the exciting! I hope it’s fun. I’m hoping to be bored out of my mind, so if anything else happens it’ll be a pleasant surprise, and at least I won’t be diappointed. Hopefully Jon will have broken up with his stupid boyfriend–”Zeb”–or whatever, and we can have a nooner. LOL. That word makes me laugh. A fling–that sounds more conservative. Or how about a milieu. How’s that for urbane. Oh, Molly said I looked urbane in my work outfit, I thought that was cool. Crap, it’s almost one. Must go to sleep. I haven’t proofread this entry, so if something didn’t make sense, that’s why.