> The Cardigans - Lovefool
> Garbage - You Look so Fine
> Kylie Minogue - More, More, More
> Sting feat. Cheb Mami - Desert Rose
> Elastica - Never Here
> OK Go - It’s Tough to Have a Crush (When the Boy Doesn’t Feel the Same Way You Do)
> Orbital - Tunnel Trance
> eiffel 65 - My Console
> The Cure - Just Like Heaven
> Veruca Salt - One Last Time
> Republica - Ready To Go
> Nine Inch Nails - Heresy (Blind)
I used to love this Cardigans song when it came out–I was so gay. I was just watching endless reruns of Daria on The N. I hate how that channel is passive mind control for preteens. I need more people without Judeo-Christian “morality.” I feel like I’m disappearing into the cogwheels of a world with malfunctioning computers, antiquated operating systems, and ersatz systems of philosophy. I’ve been reading this anthology of Franz Kafka’s stories at night, they really scare me. My carpal tunnel thing is back with a vengeance..I won’t be able to write much tonight.
I just feel so alone. I keep showing up at Royce’s house, he’s never there. I guess I don’t want to talk to him about sex or whatever because I’m afraid of rejection. If he rejected me there would be no one left. God I need some happier music. Or a happier life. Ah, Kylie Minogue. I was listening to a song by her today and I really was groovin’ to it. I kind of stopped liking Kylie for a while, but she’s now on my cool list again. I really need to go partying. I want to lose myself in strobe lights, cute bois, and throbbing music. I hate Club West though. The only person I’d see there is Jon. And we’re not even going to go there. The kind of guys I want to meet would never show up at Club West. I’ve been contemplating whether my “dating” life would be better if I was straight, and I have to say it’s a titanic “no.” I need to go to a real college. I want to look back thinking “Gosh, I was just a confused teenager.” I’m wasting my life away here. I need to graduate. I need a computer that works.
OMG! My computer case came today! It took a hella-long time, but I hooked up my old IBM Aptiva 550MHz into it. It hasn’t been working correctly though, it’s been doing the thorough scandisk DOS version for like an hour. I know I didn’t fry anything, it did start up correctly once. I’m beginning to suspect that the new power supply didn’t jive with the old motherboard, but the case is too cool to let sit in the spare room. I hope it starts up correctly once it finishes the scandisk. I hope I didn’t lose all my porn.
I made spaghetti tonight because I was really hungry, but as usual I made too much. I also made oatmeal before that. Some people are on low-carb diets, I’m on a high-carb diet. I rarely eat meat and eat carbohydrates (bread, etc.) all the time. I also eat fruit constantly. I think my constant hunger might mean I have a vitamin deficiency. Oh well. I’m too poor to afford a multivitamin. Lol, today I pictured Mike (the editor) reading my blog. In theory, that would entertain me, but in fact, it would totally suck. If I ever start up my version of the Triplicate website he’ll probably find out the URL…but I’m not really worried. I haven’t said anything in the last month or so that could be held against me in a court of law. Lol. All the Danielle crap could be tedious in a legal viewpoint, but I don’t care. I never specifically said anything. Drugs can be lots of things.
I’m depressed and alone. I’ve realized that my friends aren’t really my friends at all, they’re Mormons, and are just pretending to like me when in fact they think I’m going to burn in eternal hellfire. Fuck that.
I’ve realized that once I have to start paying my insurance, that almost all of my paycheck will go to that, and I will have almost no spending money. So I’ve decided that I need to work one more hour a day. How I will accomplish this I’m not certain, but making those maps for Mike will be the beginning. I guess proving that I’m an asset will take time. And that’s what I don’t have. I’m impatient, and I want cool computer-ness…now. I wrote a rant about certain things, but I’m not going to post it. It would just anger people. Irkings aside, I have no one to go see Fahrenheit 9/11 with. But today Lisa (my dad’s girlfriend) said she would go with me! I’ve always wanted to talk with her, she seems really smart. I don’t care about what Freud would say about the outing, I’m going. It’ll blow through my entertainment fund though. I know, I’ll take out twenty and put whatever is left in my gas tank, that way it’ll be partly coming from the gas fund. Oh yeah, I have to check the movie times online. Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow. I’ll call.
I should go online. I’ll post this and I’ll see if my online friends are on. Kieth has become obsessed with calling me my real name, which is very unnerving. He found it out from the links I used to have here to my friends’ blogs. Hm, Jon Carlson is on, maybe I’ll give him a buzz. He usually is only online when he’s in town (I guess he blocks me all the rest of the time or something) so I guess I’ll IM him. He is one of those 4.3 GPA people, he goes to UC Berkely. I don’t feel like talking to him though. His favorite movie was Romy & Michelle’s High School Reunion. Can you say: insipid? I don’t know, maybe he is a cool guy. I’m IMing him…what do I have to lose? My dignity? My self-esteem? That presupposes I had any of those in the first place, which would be a grave mistake.
I guess I will have to live with the ignomyny of an intellect and a discriminating taste in friends for the rest of my life. What a curse. Well, here it’s a curse–in a city it might be a gift. I just IMed the Jon Carlson dude. I’m listening to The Cure. How strangely appropriate. Eh, he didn’t reply. It says he’s been online for eleven hours or something like that, he’s probably idle on a broadband connection. Or he just fucking ignored me. I’m going with the former. It’s less depressing. My mom’s life is even more depressing, I have friends that don’t understand me, she doesn’t have any friends at all. At least she’s had sa bunch of time to find Mr. Right, I’ve only had like four years.
Random movie quote:
Vincent: “A year is a long time.”
Irene: “Not so long. Just once around the sun.”
I love that movie. My mom was actually able to guess it just from the quote, which she can rarely do. I always give her movie trivia because I think for some puerile reason that she somehow has seen all the movies I love, which she hasn’t. I make references all the time that she doesn’t get. I would care enough about my son to read the books he likes, to watch the movies he likes, etc. But I already know what the fate of my children will be. They will be stupid. And I will try to make them care about the intellect, but all in vain. They will all be like Liz. I’ve accepted it. I don’t write the script, I am merely an actor in the pathetic, poorly written melodrama that is my life.
This Veruca Salt song reminds me of this one online friend I had for years, I met him in a chatroom on Mogenic.com. His username was spiderman_81. I still remember it after all these years. I know he’s one of the entries on my AIM buddy list, but I can never remember which one. We talked for years, he was so cool. But then we just stopped talking. We’d run out of subjects. And when that happens, you’re fucked. In person you can have moments of comfortable silence when you know someone for a long time, but online you can’t have moments like that. Silence online is deafening. I just remembered that because he was in love with that band Veruca Salt.
Bad memories and ghosts. Now would be a good time to watch The Talented Mr. Ripley if I wanted to get into an even worse mood. That’s the movie I watch when I’m lonely, I watch Nadja if I’m just depressed. I’m going to go see if that stupid scandisk thing is done. Maybe I did fry the hard drive after all. Wow, I went in there and it was all started up and working and everything. I wouldn’t be too optomistic, it started up fine three times then randomly froze and refused to restart. Today sucks. I’m going online to post this.
I’ve been on the phone and online all night and Tawna was supposed to call, but she didn’t sound like it was really going to happen so I went online to blog. Hmm, MSN search is revamped…I wonder if they suck as much cock as they used to. I’m not going to bother. If I want to find something I’ll use Google. At least I know Google works. I’m taking the Lethargy Club blog off the list of blogs on my profile so there will be no way for people to find out my real name. I’m weirded out about that. My online alias is my safety blanket. I hope Tawna calls tomorrow and is all “Let’s do something for the 3rd!” But that won’t happen. We were all were supposed to go camping, but that fell through.
Well, I should probably be going to sleep. Tomorrow beckons, and I hope to sleep through it. Fuck tomorrow. I’ll be very happy to get my cool case working with my old computer. If there’s another post on top of this one from the same night, then I got it working.
