> Watched Hackers
> Just watched Amelie
> Meat Beat Manifesto - Mindstream
> Elastica - Car Song
> Elastica - Never Here
> Rammstein - Spieluhr
> Placebo - Without You I’m Nothing
> Dandy Warhols - Sleep
> Bjork - Pagan Poetry
Oh…! I just watched Amelie again–it was so cute! I love that movie, it makes me so nostalgic for love. I really have been watching entirely too many French movies. I actually said “merde!” (shit) yesterday. I love the French language, it is so beautiful. But I love all languages equally. Well, except for my native tounge. Oh, that movie is so beautiful…I just want to cuddle with a lover now, but I have no lover. I’m remembering the bliss of cuddling with Taggart, that’s enough. Too bad it never lasted. Oh well. God, Nicole called me today and was all “We’re having a bonfire at Mill Beach at nine” so I got all dressed up and went. What she didn’t say was that it is tomorrow. I was bored so I left early for Brookings and waited there at the beach until 8:55. It was then that it dawned on me that they were usually on Sundays. Whatever, Nicole. It would make sense to say “We’re having a bonfire tomorrow” But no. But omg omg I have some UBER-JUICY gossip. Well, while I was talking to Nikki I asked her whether Anus Face was coming, and she was all “no, I called his house and they said he doesn’t live there any more” WOOT! I love it when bad things happen to stupid people. When I said that last sentence to my mom she was all “I think you really need to get your ego under control.” That really pissed me off. What the fuck? I’m not saying “I’m the smartest person in the world,” I’m saying that he is very close to the dumbest person in the world. Where does she get off saying I am an egoist? Loser. So what if I have self-esteem? All my life I’ve been spit on and ignored, now is my time to have self-worth. Fuck anyone who is going to mess with that. I know what I’m capable of. Is that wrong? Better to have realistic expectations of oneself than have one’s head in the clouds.
Whatever. Maybe I’m an egoist. At least I have standards. God I’m bored. Maybe they ditched me. Maybe I was too early and they were late. I don’t know. I don’t care. I hope she calls tomorrow and says “are you coming tonight?” then I won’t feel like such a loser. I suck. Merde.
Kelly signed on a while ago. She says Taggart’s girlfriend might have dumped him. As if I cared. As if I didn’t care. Whatever. Hate and love are the same thing, and it’s what I feel for Taggart. Not the actual person, but the act he puts on. I am easily fooled. I’m a fool. In love, I’m a fool. I want to quote Romeo and Juliet, but I’m too lazy to open a new browser window. I’m on my old computer, it’s a pain. The whole thing about them being blinded by their love. Fuck. The script has already been written. Love, abandonment; love, abandonment. I’m just a pawn. I’m not even involved. It’s over before it starts. I’m already dead.
In a way, that’s comforting. I reread half of Invisible Monsters today. It was a bit of a reality check. I’m depressed now after the emotional high of Amelie. I also watched Hackers. That’s such a good movie. I need to get it. And I need to get Amelie. And Cube and Akira all the myriad other good movies I need to be complete.
I so need my light-up keyboard, it’s really hard to find the C and V keys for cut and paste in the dark. My dad said the first payment for the insurance was something like $200. So I won’t be getting the rest of my computer until the end of the month. After this 15th’s paycheck, my coverage runs out on the 28th and I get my end of the month check on the 30th. That so sucks. I’m going to have to save all the money I can. Well it would make sense to be able to renew it and pay like, the week of the 15th. That would be inordinately good because I am really bad at saving money. I need to call them on Monday. God, it’s one. I can’t think of anything I’d rather be doing, except lying in the arms of a lover. Talking to my cousin Kelly and the lover cuddling thing tops my list of cool things to do. I wonder what’s number three. I feel like making a list:
My favorite things to do:
1) Cuddle with a lover and watch romantic/artistic movies
2) Talk to/hang out with my cousin Kelly and all of our friends
3) Doing things with above lover (get your mind out of the gutter)
4) Listen to music
5) Watch european futbol not dubbed into English
6) Dance to pumpin’ Industrial music in a club
7) Buy electronic gadgets and clothes
8) BLOG!!!!!
9) Instant message
10) Watch movies alone
A lot of them are mixed up, but I’m too lazy to redo all the numbers. Here are some poignant snippets from my convo with Kelly. She’s Eden Eye.
dariusofthedark: my life is flying by and there’s nothing I can do about it
Eden eye999: ha
dariusofthedark: that’s a comforting fact
Eden eye999: Mine is going incredibly slow
dariusofthedark: when you work at a newspaper the weeks just fly by
Eden eye999: ha
dariusofthedark: you’re always in the future, dating everything with tomorrow’s date, looking back months into the past to dig out obscure facts in some article printed two years ago
dariusofthedark: so the present is just kind of a blurry haze
Eden eye999: You’re now in the Twilight Zone
dariusofthedark: tell me about it
——
dariusofthedark: what a loser
dariusofthedark: he doesn’t really feel guilty, he’s just emotionally masturbating
Eden eye999: ha
dariusofthedark: he knows he should feel bad so he tries to make himself feel bad by complaining about it
dariusofthedark: I swear, everything boils down to masturbation
dariusofthedark: people would rather have fake versions of things just because they’re easy to come by
Eden eye999: yes
Eden eye999: Memento-style
Great, “Pagan Poetry.” That song depresses me. Every song depresses me. I’m kind of waiting to die. Or waiting for someone to love. One of the two. I’m waiting…for something.