> Placebo - Taste In Men
> Nine Inch Nails - Big Man With A Gun
> Nine Inch Nails - I Do Not Want This

This whole Taggart thing has me really bummed. He can play me like a piano. He knows everything I want and how to pretend I’ll get it. Life sucks. But I really want to preserve this escapade. Next time we fuck around I’m going to get it all on tape. Like this really cute short film I saw, I’m going to preserve all the best times that we have on video. I’m going to get a camcorder and record everything, so I have something to watch while I cry. Actually I’ll tape the crying too. It makes for good cinema. I’ll download some video-editing software. I’ll make a music video. I guess it does really boil down to that I would rather feel something instead of nothing. I’ll come down one weekend. Oh god, Taggart is online. My dad needs to use the phone, I’m disconnecting. Just wrote Molly an e-mail, I love my new account. It is glory. I just checked the status of my wonkaboard, it just got to Richmond, CA tonight. I love the Internet. I was getting a little worried, it was in Illinois so long. But now it is in my state! Yay! I can’t wait to hook it all up and read all the jumper settings, it will be so cool. And I’ll get to read all the documentation that comes with my processor and fan too. Sweetness. And I’ll get to send in that $40 mail-in rebate thing too. I’m going to get a CD burner with my next check. They’re not that much, only like $50 with a $20-something mail-in rebate. On the fifteenth, after I get paid, I’m going to call Progressive and see about renewing my policy. I hope that there is a grace period of five or ten days for the renewal, then I will get to spend this paycheck on my hard drive and RAM (the final components!) and wait until the paycheck at the end of the month to pay my insurance. I really do want to pay with this paycheck though, I just want it out of my hair.

Speaking of my hair, I went to the beauty supply today to look at straightening products, and they had nothing. And there was like nobody that worked there. I’m on the verge of just dyeing it again. I’m going to call tomorrow and ask if they do chemical hair straightening. This can really fuck up your hair, and if it does get fucked up I want it to be fucked up by a professional. Or at least someone who plays one in real life. I need to get a hat so that I can get it out of my face. Just a plain black beanie, is that so much to ask? Wal-Mart says yes. I must go to Eureka and get a cool hat. Oh, talked to Daniela again. She’s kind of strange sounding. Her jokes seem sort of stale. But I think it would be great fun to go to Eureka with her. She isn’t as fun over the phone as she is in person. Well, I guess I’m going to go online and post this. I would be IMing Taggart and listening to him plead for my phallus, but I have some self-respect. Lol, not really, my dad is expecting a call. As if I had self-respect.

> Placebo - Taste In Men

Here’s me and Taggart’s IM conversation. I never post people’s convos, unless they have ripped my heart out. Ergo, the convo follows. Pay the most attention to the part right at the end. Pathetic, isn’t it?

OutOfNiflheim: hey
dariusofthedark: hi
dariusofthedark: what’s up?
OutOfNiflheim: nothing… everything
OutOfNiflheim: i’ve been single 4 days and i’ve already been asked out…i don’t know weather to be flatered or insulted
dariusofthedark: lol
dariusofthedark: did you get dumped or vice versae
dariusofthedark: versa*
OutOfNiflheim: dumped
OutOfNiflheim: 2 days after i got back from europe…thats what sucks
OutOfNiflheim: i would have been gotten laid in europe but didn’t because i had loyalties and then she dumps me
OutOfNiflheim: hows your love/lust life
dariusofthedark: eh, pretty boring
dariusofthedark: there are no prospects here
dariusofthedark: I’m thinking of constructing a papier mache effigy of a hot guy just to remember what they look like
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: no signifigant other
dariusofthedark: not for a long time
OutOfNiflheim: sry
dariusofthedark: it’s okay
dariusofthedark: I like keeping myself company
dariusofthedark: at least I don’t have to put up with people that annoy me
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: and i’m sure you have loads of FWB
dariusofthedark: well, they’re all ugly
dariusofthedark: well, one is fat, and the other is fat and ugly
dariusofthedark: ick
dariusofthedark: I don’t really mind…probably in five or six more months it’ll become interminable
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: when are u coming down next
dariusofthedark: i dunno
dariusofthedark: probably not for a long long time
dariusofthedark: I have a job now so I can’t exactly leave
OutOfNiflheim: yes you can
dariusofthedark: sure, spend sixty bucks in gas to go there for a weekend?
dariusofthedark: I don’t make that much money
OutOfNiflheim: bus…train?
dariusofthedark: bus costs more than the gas money, we don’t have train service here
dariusofthedark: I dunno, maybe I will during fall session
dariusofthedark: right now all my money is going to my new computer which I desparately need
dariusofthedark: so how was europe?
OutOfNiflheim: great
OutOfNiflheim: it was a life altering experience
OutOfNiflheim: i think
OutOfNiflheim: i drank alot
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: only at night though
OutOfNiflheim: 15 days of hangovers
dariusofthedark: how uninteresting
dariusofthedark: I’ve heard it’s best to go with a bunch of money and without any kind of plan
dariusofthedark: I really want to go
dariusofthedark: but I think that if I loved it too much I just wouldn’t go home
dariusofthedark: I’ve watched Amelie too many times–just want to get a little apartment and work at a cafe, it’s too good to be true
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: i know
OutOfNiflheim: i’m out of here asap
dariusofthedark: ?
OutOfNiflheim: of the US
OutOfNiflheim: if i can’t muster the cash for europe i’ll just move to canada
dariusofthedark: yeah I want to get dual citizenship
dariusofthedark: I’ll look into it after I get my degree
OutOfNiflheim: lol
dariusofthedark: if you have a master’s you have a good chance of getting citizenship
dariusofthedark: if you look like a productive member of society
dariusofthedark: so…if I may ask, what was the reason for your last relationship’s demise?
OutOfNiflheim: i’m crazy and she was sane?
dariusofthedark: I’ll go with the former
OutOfNiflheim: what?
OutOfNiflheim: sry i’m tired so spell it out
dariusofthedark: never mind
dariusofthedark: you were saying..?
OutOfNiflheim: whatever
OutOfNiflheim: i was house sitting and i saw an unmarked book and i took it off the shelf
OutOfNiflheim: it was one of her poam books
OutOfNiflheim: it was depressing and i was depressed so i stated crying(odd)
OutOfNiflheim: i read the whole thing and then proceded to read 2 more poam books and 2 of her journals…
OutOfNiflheim: she freaked out
dariusofthedark: what a loon
OutOfNiflheim: that and i think she like s other people
OutOfNiflheim: me
OutOfNiflheim: its perfectly reasonable
OutOfNiflheim: she knew what she was getting into
OutOfNiflheim: i’m really bitter about the whole thing
dariusofthedark: she knew what she was getting into?
OutOfNiflheim: yeah
OutOfNiflheim: the night we broke up i was on the phone with her for 4 hours
OutOfNiflheim: Drunk, crying, laughing, and high on all sorts of pills
OutOfNiflheim: lol
dariusofthedark: that’s pathetic
dariusofthedark: but it seems to bring back a certan nostalgia
OutOfNiflheim: i know
dariusofthedark: whatever happened to that one chick I met that night when we went to see the galleries?
OutOfNiflheim: ICA?
OutOfNiflheim: oh jessica
OutOfNiflheim: she’s in south Carolina right now
OutOfNiflheim: i had lunch with her mom today
dariusofthedark: ah
OutOfNiflheim: brb
OutOfNiflheim: hey
OutOfNiflheim: you still there
dariusofthedark: yeah
OutOfNiflheim: i never said this but i do miss you and i will always remember you
OutOfNiflheim: i really miss your penis…i don’t know why and i know it sounds strange but i do
dariusofthedark: lol
OutOfNiflheim: it wasn’t ment as a joke
OutOfNiflheim: lol
dariusofthedark: that’s nice…
dariusofthedark: lol
OutOfNiflheim: well i’m off
OutOfNiflheim: tata
dariusofthedark: um…bye then

He signed off quite abruptly. If I wasn’t so sure that he didn’t care about me, I would think that he was embarrassed that he’d revealed a part of his soul to me. Let me reiterate: he doesn’t care about me. I would love it if he really loved me. But he doesn’t. He’s my femme fatale, which means he’s only bad for me. I wish I could meet someone like Kieth or Jeff. My online ersatz boyfriends. Sad. Taggart just signed off. He knows I would have sex with him in a second. The sad thing is that I was about to use the euphemism “make love,” but there’s no love involved in that. But I always say, it’s better to feel something instead of nothing. I love him because he makes me insanely happy and inordinately sad. God I’ve been watching so many French movies, I almost wrote triste. I thought I’d blog a pic of me and Taggart, for old times’ sake. I uploaded it to my site to show Kieth. He likes my makeup.

And I uploaded this pic of me in high school with my cat Yoda for his edification too:

I guess, in the end, it all boils down to a sort of masochism. I want him to pretend to love me so I can get so high on it and then I want him to dump me so I can be all depressed and cry and get back to reality. I want my life to be an emotional rollercoaster instead of an emotional, well, rock. And it all comes back to Placebo. I’m killing time on Valentine’s, waiting for the day to end…change your taste in men.

> Just watched Thomas In Love
> Tool - Sober
> Rob Dougan - Chateau
> Coldplay - In My Place
> Naked Eyes - Promises, Promises
> Placebo - Spite & Malice [very good song]
> Glenn Miller Orchestra - Sing, Sing, Sing
> Basement Jaxx - Do Your Thing

God, that movie was SO INCREDIBLY GOOD! I loved it. Oh god, Taggart is online. How depressing. I hope he doesn’t talk to me. I had an apple and some cheddar cheese earlier, my stomach isn’t loving it. I’m lactose intolerant. I’m seeing if Thomas In Love is on Amazon.com. God. Taggart’s not talking to me. He doesn’t love me. As if I’m just discovering that. OMG I went all the way up to Brookings tonight and the bonfire wasn’t tonight. So fuck Nicole. She only calls me when she wants me to go to her stupid bonfires anyway. OMG this guy got pulled over who passed me, it was so glorious. Poetic justice. I was going four over the speed limit in the fast lane and they passed me in the slow lane (which pissed me off) but this cop pulled them over. Glorious. OMG! Thomas In Love is on Amazon.com!!!!! EEK!!!!

:( Taggart doesn’t love me. I feel sad. Getting ditched (intentionally or unintentionally) twice sucks. Fuck Nicole. Fuck Taggart. I mistyped my Blogger password, god. I always think “God, someone has hacked my account, now my blog will be destroyed.” But that hasn’t happened. Yet. I need to print out all my archives and save them on CD-ROM. It’s a massive job. I just don’t have the printer ink for it. After I get my computer I can afford to do it. Maybe I’ll get the first year printed in a book form. That would be pimpin’. I’m IMing Charley. I have to pretend I have friends. I have to even pretend to myself. Well, Kelly is my friend. I guess that’s all I have. Kelly is my only true friend that I don’t dislike anything about. I’m ambivalent about all my friends except for Kelly. Maybe it’s because we’re family. I dunno. God, it’s 12:29. Oh, I had the most exquisite orgasm today. And the sad thing was, after I came, I thought to myself: “I simply must blog that.” I wish it was with a person. But I guess I love myself more than almost everyone, so it makes sense. I think that every individual is the only person who knows exactly how to best pleasure them. I mean, you can describe how you want to be pleasured, but the timing is everything–you can’t describe that. It just has to flow. That’s never happened to me yet. I haven’t had good sex.

OH GOD TAGGART JUST IMED ME. AH-HA! His girlfriend dumped him. MOUHAHAHAHA. Well, I would laugh evilly more if I really thought he cared. He’s rolling in pussy. He’s hot and anyone will spread their legs for him. I loathe him. But I guess that’s just another way of saying I love him. You know who I love? Kieth (lexusjedi)

dariusofthedark: I’ve been eating a lot of apples and cheese
dariusofthedark: it’s such a glorious combination
leXus J e d i: yes !
leXus J e d i: sharp cheddar with red delic.?
dariusofthedark: sharp cheddar with fuji
leXus J e d i: OMG I SO LOVE YOU
leXus J e d i: fuji = mercedes benz of apples
dariusofthedark: lol obviously

—–

leXus J e d i: you are so eliteist
leXus J e d i: i love it !
leXus J e d i: just imagine we could get married and drive fancy european cars (we would have to have a jaguar as well, trust me on this one ) and throw dinner parties , A list invite only ( a rather hefty fellow will be at the door to ensure this ) and have very important jobs with subordinates that kiss our asses all day
leXus J e d i: lol
leXus J e d i: ohh and have a house on the beach as well one in the mountains
dariusofthedark: lol
dariusofthedark: if only life was like television
leXus J e d i: yes
leXus J e d i: dont like how things are turning out - change the channel
leXus J e d i: lol

God Taggart is so lame, I just insulted him and he didn’t notice:

dariusofthedark: so…if I may ask, what was the reason for your last relationship’s demise?
OutOfNiflheim: i’m crazy and she was sane?
dariusofthedark: I’ll go with the former
OutOfNiflheim: what?
OutOfNiflheim: sry i’m tired so spell it out
dariusofthedark: never mind
dariusofthedark: you were saying..?

God I love instant messaging. I was going to say “God I love IM,” but it would have sounded like I said “God I love ‘im”…him…no. I so don’t love him. I hate him. But it’s the same thing anyway. I’m sending Kieth a pic of Taggart. God I’m bored. I must post this, I’m sick of blogging. I’m sick of everyone. I think I might blog me and Taggart’s convo.