> Placebo - Taste In Men
Here’s me and Taggart’s IM conversation. I never post people’s convos, unless they have ripped my heart out. Ergo, the convo follows. Pay the most attention to the part right at the end. Pathetic, isn’t it?
OutOfNiflheim: hey
dariusofthedark: hi
dariusofthedark: what’s up?
OutOfNiflheim: nothing… everything
OutOfNiflheim: i’ve been single 4 days and i’ve already been asked out…i don’t know weather to be flatered or insulted
dariusofthedark: lol
dariusofthedark: did you get dumped or vice versae
dariusofthedark: versa*
OutOfNiflheim: dumped
OutOfNiflheim: 2 days after i got back from europe…thats what sucks
OutOfNiflheim: i would have been gotten laid in europe but didn’t because i had loyalties and then she dumps me
OutOfNiflheim: hows your love/lust life
dariusofthedark: eh, pretty boring
dariusofthedark: there are no prospects here
dariusofthedark: I’m thinking of constructing a papier mache effigy of a hot guy just to remember what they look like
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: no signifigant other
dariusofthedark: not for a long time
OutOfNiflheim: sry
dariusofthedark: it’s okay
dariusofthedark: I like keeping myself company
dariusofthedark: at least I don’t have to put up with people that annoy me
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: and i’m sure you have loads of FWB
dariusofthedark: well, they’re all ugly
dariusofthedark: well, one is fat, and the other is fat and ugly
dariusofthedark: ick
dariusofthedark: I don’t really mind…probably in five or six more months it’ll become interminable
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: when are u coming down next
dariusofthedark: i dunno
dariusofthedark: probably not for a long long time
dariusofthedark: I have a job now so I can’t exactly leave
OutOfNiflheim: yes you can
dariusofthedark: sure, spend sixty bucks in gas to go there for a weekend?
dariusofthedark: I don’t make that much money
OutOfNiflheim: bus…train?
dariusofthedark: bus costs more than the gas money, we don’t have train service here
dariusofthedark: I dunno, maybe I will during fall session
dariusofthedark: right now all my money is going to my new computer which I desparately need
dariusofthedark: so how was europe?
OutOfNiflheim: great
OutOfNiflheim: it was a life altering experience
OutOfNiflheim: i think
OutOfNiflheim: i drank alot
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: only at night though
OutOfNiflheim: 15 days of hangovers
dariusofthedark: how uninteresting
dariusofthedark: I’ve heard it’s best to go with a bunch of money and without any kind of plan
dariusofthedark: I really want to go
dariusofthedark: but I think that if I loved it too much I just wouldn’t go home
dariusofthedark: I’ve watched Amelie too many times–just want to get a little apartment and work at a cafe, it’s too good to be true
OutOfNiflheim: lol
OutOfNiflheim: i know
OutOfNiflheim: i’m out of here asap
dariusofthedark: ?
OutOfNiflheim: of the US
OutOfNiflheim: if i can’t muster the cash for europe i’ll just move to canada
dariusofthedark: yeah I want to get dual citizenship
dariusofthedark: I’ll look into it after I get my degree
OutOfNiflheim: lol
dariusofthedark: if you have a master’s you have a good chance of getting citizenship
dariusofthedark: if you look like a productive member of society
dariusofthedark: so…if I may ask, what was the reason for your last relationship’s demise?
OutOfNiflheim: i’m crazy and she was sane?
dariusofthedark: I’ll go with the former
OutOfNiflheim: what?
OutOfNiflheim: sry i’m tired so spell it out
dariusofthedark: never mind
dariusofthedark: you were saying..?
OutOfNiflheim: whatever
OutOfNiflheim: i was house sitting and i saw an unmarked book and i took it off the shelf
OutOfNiflheim: it was one of her poam books
OutOfNiflheim: it was depressing and i was depressed so i stated crying(odd)
OutOfNiflheim: i read the whole thing and then proceded to read 2 more poam books and 2 of her journals…
OutOfNiflheim: she freaked out
dariusofthedark: what a loon
OutOfNiflheim: that and i think she like s other people
OutOfNiflheim: me
OutOfNiflheim: its perfectly reasonable
OutOfNiflheim: she knew what she was getting into
OutOfNiflheim: i’m really bitter about the whole thing
dariusofthedark: she knew what she was getting into?
OutOfNiflheim: yeah
OutOfNiflheim: the night we broke up i was on the phone with her for 4 hours
OutOfNiflheim: Drunk, crying, laughing, and high on all sorts of pills
OutOfNiflheim: lol
dariusofthedark: that’s pathetic
dariusofthedark: but it seems to bring back a certan nostalgia
OutOfNiflheim: i know
dariusofthedark: whatever happened to that one chick I met that night when we went to see the galleries?
OutOfNiflheim: ICA?
OutOfNiflheim: oh jessica
OutOfNiflheim: she’s in south Carolina right now
OutOfNiflheim: i had lunch with her mom today
dariusofthedark: ah
OutOfNiflheim: brb
OutOfNiflheim: hey
OutOfNiflheim: you still there
dariusofthedark: yeah
OutOfNiflheim: i never said this but i do miss you and i will always remember you
OutOfNiflheim: i really miss your penis…i don’t know why and i know it sounds strange but i do
dariusofthedark: lol
OutOfNiflheim: it wasn’t ment as a joke
OutOfNiflheim: lol
dariusofthedark: that’s nice…
dariusofthedark: lol
OutOfNiflheim: well i’m off
OutOfNiflheim: tata
dariusofthedark: um…bye then
He signed off quite abruptly. If I wasn’t so sure that he didn’t care about me, I would think that he was embarrassed that he’d revealed a part of his soul to me. Let me reiterate: he doesn’t care about me. I would love it if he really loved me. But he doesn’t. He’s my femme fatale, which means he’s only bad for me. I wish I could meet someone like Kieth or Jeff. My online ersatz boyfriends. Sad. Taggart just signed off. He knows I would have sex with him in a second. The sad thing is that I was about to use the euphemism “make love,” but there’s no love involved in that. But I always say, it’s better to feel something instead of nothing. I love him because he makes me insanely happy and inordinately sad. God I’ve been watching so many French movies, I almost wrote triste. I thought I’d blog a pic of me and Taggart, for old times’ sake. I uploaded it to my site to show Kieth. He likes my makeup.
And I uploaded this pic of me in high school with my cat Yoda for his edification too:
I guess, in the end, it all boils down to a sort of masochism. I want him to pretend to love me so I can get so high on it and then I want him to dump me so I can be all depressed and cry and get back to reality. I want my life to be an emotional rollercoaster instead of an emotional, well, rock. And it all comes back to Placebo. I’m killing time on Valentine’s, waiting for the day to end…change your taste in men.