I LOVE the t-shirt Hell newsletters, they are SO FUCKING FUNNY. Enjoy:
OLYMPICS WIN GOLD MEDAL FOR SUCKING
The Olympic Games start in August and I wonder if it’s possible that I could care less about anything? I know what you’re thinking. What about the Tour de France? Clearly, that is the lamer than the Olympics.
Yes, the Tour de France does suck. It’s long, boring, and has the word France in it. But on a positive note, in spite of the fact that a cancer ridden American is supposed to win, there is virtually no coverage of the event in the U.S. It is easy to pretend it doesn’t exist.
But the Olympics, they just won’t shut up about it. It is full of athletes you’ve never heard of, playing games that you don’t care about, for really lame prizes. What’s the point? Even on Fear Factor you get $100,000 and all you have to do is eat pig scrotum- not dedicate 18 years, 12 hours a day/7 days a week to jumping over a stick.
At the Olympics, maybe, you get ten seconds of fame. You want ten seconds of fame so bad, marry Britney Spears. Then if you’re incredibly lucky, you get a shiny, gold necklace. Big deal. If you want to wear a big, gold medallion- go work for Ja Rule. Not only do you get a necklace, but you get
a 9 millimeter, a crack pipe, and unlimited blowjobs from skanky, preteen groupies.
It is un-American to be the best at something and not get paid. If you’re such a great runner; go play football. If you’re so great at throwing a javelin; can’t you learn to throw a slider? And if you’re such a great, male gymnast; why not make gay porn?
How can we compete with other countries where the citizens clearly have nothing better to do than train for the Olympics. Africans are chasing kangaroos all day just to get to work. The women on the Taiwanese ping pong team can serve a ping pong ball at close to 97 miles per hour, and that’s just using their assholes.
We have Playstation in America, not to mention Playstation II. Do we really have time to spend throwing a discus, or learning the rules to arcane games like soccer?
Why are there so many great swimmers in Europe? Because they hope that oneday they can swim to America, collect welfare, and eat Funyuns and Poptarts.
It makes sense that other countries actually like the Olympics because for one fleeting instance they can compete with America. When Americans want to compete on the International level we invade your country, arrest your leader, burn down your homes, and murder your people. That’s the American way.
Go for the gold? Go fuck yourself.