I just finished everything but the community calendar, I just printed out the proof sheet. Oh, just realized I haven’t checked my work e-mail yet. Eh, a buttload of crap that I don’t want to deal with. I’ll deal with it all tomorrow. I e-mailed Molly when I got to work. I can’t wait to get out of here and go to class. I have to wait until Mike gets back though, I have to tell him something. He had to go get his car fixed or something. Hanging out with Jocelyn is so fun, we get to comiserate about how bad Mike is at communication and show each other the layout abortions that have made it into the paper each day. I’m afraid to say the word “dogleg” in front of Mike becuase I’m afraid I’ll get the blank look. And then I wouldn’t respect him at all any more.

Okay, must work on calendar. Must get out of here! Oh, I got paid. $407. Not bad, but I don’t think it is enough for my drive and for my books. I only really need the art book and the Drama book, which are around $80 each. That will leave me with $200. $150 for the hard drive, that leaves me with around $100 (I have $50 in the bank now).

> Marilyn Manson - Get Your Gunn

Here are some random excerpts from the posts I’m reading from September 2003:

September 3:

“The maintenance guy is mowing the lawn on this gargantuan riding lawnmower. With the wind, it looks like he’s riding a huge mechanical stallion against the winds.”

September 22:

“Casey and I made sex sounds whenever anyone came by, and invariably the people would come over and ask for cigarettes or something…it was strange.”

September 26:

“I was flipping through my yearbook, there were so many people I just want to forget, but who were screaming at me from their two-dimensional faces.”

I’m bored. Must go to sleep.

> Letters to Cleo - Dangerous Type
> Lords of Acid - Cybersex
> Nine Inch Nails - Into The Void

The Lethargy Club seems to be falling apart. Steve went on a date yesterday, it was vague whether he went with someone he’d just met or with Sammie. I’m guessing the former, but I’m not sure. Tawna and Steve seem to be having issues. You know how you can kind of sense the end of a milieu? I’m getting that feeling. I really fucked up today. I hope to rectify things tomorrow. I’m going to buy my books, I’m going to read Lysistrata, I’m going to have that talk with Mike. I’m not looking forward to the mise-en-scene of the end of the Lethargy Club, that one day where we all will be together and there will be no one to talk about behind each others’ backs, the day where we all tell each other how much we hate each other. The day when it all ends. Right now I’m finding fault with Tawna, it is mostly because of her that we’re not going to Eureka. However, now that I think about it, we should go anyway. Without that bonding time all our friendships will fall apart. I hope it’s not too late. I’d foot the bill for gas and a camp site, we could all chip in and buy food, it would be fun. We could cruise around Arcata and buy beads and used books, root around in head shops and eat lunch in the plaza. Alas, I can’t imagine it really working. I feel like I should be saying my last goodbyes to Steve, Sammie, and Tawna. Strange.

On a lighter note I hung out with Amanda and Naiya tonight, we all went through the nature trail in the dark. It was very surreal. I like Amanda and Naiya. Especially Naiya, she doesn’t annoy me at all. Well, not yet. I hope I get a buttload of money tomorrow. I go to history for the first time tomorrow, I hope I do okay. Yay for Steve! He got a date. Oh, I was going to look at something I posted last year on this date and see if it sucked or not, for perspective. I do that often. No, I didn’t post on this date last year. It was the first week of school, I believe…not much time for blogging. But I didn’t have to work then. Maybe I had a more arduous social life. Maybe. Well, I should go to bed and dread work tomorrow.

Aww, I was so cute. This excerpt is from September 1st, 2003:

“I suppose my kind of boyfriend is a porcelain effigy of beauty beyond measure. I can’t love because I can’t trust…those who I find beautiful I can never trust, because in my mind beauty is synonymous with deceit and duplicity, simply as a conditioned response. How depressing. Fuck. I think that my subconsious has adopted Taggart as the new paramount of aesthetic virtue, the new unicorn of intangible desire. How sickening. Men suck. All they want is sex. Taggart is supposedly an actor too…beautiful and intelligent…is that possible? People have told me that, but only online…everybody looks better online. And they’re twice as articulate, since one has time to formulate answers, unlike speech. I fucking hate stupid people, optomists, self-described “goths”, trendies, druggies, hicks, socialists, and stoners. Ah, I feel much better. Love is so…superficial and shallow. I want to get married, but I can’t. Fucking Republicans. I’m moving to Berlin.”

I hate that I was a flake. I haven’t been a flake in so long. It’s such a strange feeling. Letting my classmates down really made me sad. And here is the first weirdness of having Molly as a teacher. It was such a personal thing to not show up and to not have read the play. It was letting Molly down, letting a friend down, not simply letting a teacher down. I mean, I wouldn’t have had as many qualms about showing up to a Letko class extremely late, because I don’t think Letko is a person to be respected. But this class is different. Oh well. I hope this will never happen again. I’m not doing another map. I don’t have the time, I can’t deliver. I have too many responsibilities, and I know that now. I just have to stop feeling guilty and start taking responsibility for my actions. I can’t believe I let myself down like this. I just want to cry. Life incredibly sucks.

Naiya is surfing magic sites, some of them are really hokey. I will never volunteer to do a map again. I hate this feeling. I love this class and I let myself down. How could I do this? I hate my life.

Today sucked SOOOO much. I had an incredibly shitty day. I went to work after I last blogged, and attacked my work with zeal. I had Subway for lunch, which was yummy. Just when I thought my day was going to be great, Susan came to me with these maps (this was around 3 p.m.) that I was supposed to create an illustration from. And I hadn’t even finished my normal work. I started on it around four, and let’s just say that it’s impossible to create such an illustration in a mere three hours. All the other times I’d done these illustrations I’d worked from like nine in the morning until five or six at night. I just can’t do it with school now. Well, I could…but I wouldn’t get any of my other work done (which I had greviously neglected during the time I was making those other maps).

So it was around seven when I realized that I wasn’t going to have time to read the play, let alone finish the map or get to class. So I went to talk to Mike and he guilted me into putting what I had done into a final version (a task of about thirty minutes). I was VERY PISSED. I’M STILL VERY PISSED. I got to class and was too embarassed about coming so late (forty minutes) to go to class. I just want to cry. I failed at making the illustration, I failed at going to class. I’m a failure at work and I’m a failure at school and I just want to die.

Well, on the lighter side, Naiya is here. She’s ranting about this dream she had about pentagrams or something, and she’s afraid of some shiny metaphysical creature. I’m too tired, hungry and angry to ponder it or to care. Amanda and her are going to have some sort of conjuring thing to see what it is. I couldn’t care less. I don’t think it’s a good idea to play around with forces that you don’t know anything about.

I’m just complaining and complaining. I hate my life. I hate work. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I think I’m going to have a talk with Mike tomorrow about the maps, telling him that I’m just way too busy during school to do them. I hope I have the balls to talk to him, because I just can’t swing school and like seven hours of work. It just doesn’t work. I just want to cry.

Naiya likes my pentagram necklace. Amanda is going to try to get her stepdad to give Naiya a ride home. If he won’t do it, I’ll probably end up giving her a ride. It’s nice to have a car. I remember being stranded places.