It has been an incredibly depressing night. I’ve been reading Samuel Beckett’s play Waiting For Godot. I don’t know why absurdism is depressing… I’m in love with Albert Camus’ The Stranger. I don’t know… Godot is so many things. It’s my video card. It’s seeing my family in Sacramento again. It’s finding someone to love. Everything is pointless and we are all waiting for something that will never happen. I hate the world. But we had tacos tonight. That was good. I must be incredibly small minded to think that tacos can mitigate all the ennui in the world, all the dreams that will never be realized… all the pointless inhuman suffering. We’re all just waiting for Godot. I didn’t even get halfway through the play before realized it. I’m waiting for Godot. How depressing. I’m glad that Molly suggested I do this play for my research paper for drama. It’s been an eye-opening experience. I think of things like Star Trek… naïvely optimistic views of the future. In 100 years they will be laughable, like the way people in the fifties viewed the future. I’m just saddened and sickened by the whole human race, by the whole universe. Everything. And I know that there’s no point. Even my realizing that everything is pointless is in itself pointless.

I guess that’s why it’s perfect for me to write on this play. I’ve been watching the Sabrina: The Teenage Witch marathon on Noggin. It’s just the kind of banal pointless distraction I need when faced with the abyss. I would assume that not many people have this feeling. It is against our very nature as human beings to consider our lives as having no meaning. I’m glad that I’m not weak. I’m glad that I can admit to myself that I’m going to rot in the ground. I’m glad I’m not weak. I’m glad I don’t need a “God” to justify my existence. I suppose I’m being egotistical, but once you get to this point you realize that everything: truth, justice, hope, love… they are all illusions. Even logic is an illusion when you really get down to it. Two plus two equals four. An immutable law of logic. But without humans what is a two and what is a four? There are no such things as triangles and squares in their perfect forms. There’s no such thing as an absolutely straight line. Everything we can ever conceive of is just like a computer trying to remix and rearrange its software, without knowing what it is… that it’s just a box. All it knows is what is already loaded onto its drives, and what the mouse and keyboard tell it. This seems like a stupid allegory, but it’s true. What insight could a computer ever have on the true nature of the universe? And we are all just machines, just more complicated than the ones we create.

As I lounge around this weekend, hours are passing. I know I should be doing something, but what’s the point? All I can think of is my video card. My Godot. And even when it comes there will just be another one. We’ll never be happy. There will always be something more. Something were waiting for. Something that will make us complete and perfect. Godot.

I FINALLY found a part of the ATI website that says that Radeon 9800 cards support dual monitors. Freaking finally! So I’m getting an ATI Radeon 9800.

I checked out the ATI All-In-Wonder cards, and they are incredibly sweet, but are incredibly expensive. And they don’t support dual monitors.

I’m loving this thing, it’s a remote control for your computer. My motherboard came with one, but it doesn’t seem to work. But like, this one is much cooler:

the remote

I read the the one that came with my motherboard was infrared and you had to like point it exactly at the front of the computer or it wouldn’t work. This one is RF, so it like, works through walls and such.

Instead of doing my essay for Drama on a playwright, I’ve been doing my homework on video cards. I had my heart set on the $230 ATI Radeon 9800, but I was playing around with Premiere today and I thought about checking out some Matrox video cards. I found this cool one that was about the same price, the Matrox Millennium P750, which can support three monitors or two and a TV. I read this really lengthy review of the card, and although the multimonitor features are very useful for 2D applications, it fails badly in 3D applications (like computer games).

So the question of the ages is:

Do I want a video card that kicks ass in 3D games on two monitors, or do I want a video card that can only handle 2D applications but can do it on two monitors and a TV?

I really wanted a video card that I could hook my TV up to so I could get rid of my DVD player. I think I’m going to check out Radeon’s line of ATI All-In-Wonder cards, perhaps they will be the solution to my quandary. I hope to start on my essay later today, but I’ll probably just put it off.