oh God. I just watched my video diary that I made last year. It was so depressing. I was in love with Peng and so sad that he had left that I couldn’t see the love that was right in front of me: Royce. Now he is gone. Maybe there will be another Royce. I hope that I can realize it next time. I really should start another video diary. I was amazed at how sexy I looked with short blond hair. I don’t think that I would go back though. I’m too dedicated to my long hair. Well, my future long hair. My Godot hair. It’s now almost 10 o’clock. I wasted all that time soul-searching and didn’t even bother to write my god damned paper. I’m just so sad. I miss him so much. And we didn’t really even do much together. Well, we did have sex. I miss him. God, I’m so inept. I’ll be alone forever. I just want to have a good cry, but I have to do my paper. I haven’t drank any of the tea that I made yet. I’m still not sure whether I’m going to do this. What I want to do is pop in Requiem for a Dream and cry like there’s no tomorrow. But I can’t. Molly has it. I have her DVDs in my trunk, I just have been forgetting to give them to her. Oh well. I hate being this depressed. I hate myself. How could I have let something like happiness slip through my fingers? Depressing. I hate everybody.

I just installed the Firefox browser, and after only four minutes of using it, I’ve already gotten rid of all the Internet Explorer shortcuts and set Firefox as my default browser. It starts so fast and it loads pages with lightning speed! I’m in love. But anyway, there was a reason I started this post…let’s see…oh yeah. John blogged…it was optomistic, nostalgic, and totally banal. But what else would we expect from him? I tried hard to leave a positive comment on it…but I couldn’t think of anything else to say besides “We saw you playing frisbee with your friend at Beachfront Park today.” I would have continued with that, but the next sentence would have been “My gosh, you sure put on a little weight, piggie! We thought ‘no, it couldn’t be him…it’s too fat.’ But it was you. Really honey, you need to cut down on the sushi, porky.”

But I couldn’t do that. I don’t even know why I read it. I mostly read it because I used to think he was cute before I saw him close up and was revolted. Okay, I admit it, I’m totally shallow. But I don’t care. At least I know what epilepsy is. LOL.

I wish I could make love to this browser, the interface is so clean, the buttons are so 3D, the pages load so fast…it’s like Firefox is Internet Explorer’s creative step-cousin that goes out to raves all night and comes up with great ideas where Internet Explorer just sits at home and reads the paper. Gosh that was a weird metaphor. I’ve been playing the Diablo expansion pack Hellfire for about an hour a night, it’s not been working too well at ameliorating my desire to play Diablo II and its expansion pack. Damn my crappy video card. But I did get about $60 for my b-day from my mom and grandparents, and I’m sure more cash will roll in, and I only need $230. Only $200? God, I never thought I’d hear myself utter that phrase. Oh well. It’s for my computer. It’s necessary for my sanity. I need an escape from reality.

OMG! Becky has a blog! *does insane happy dance* She just IMed me. OMG! This totally made my day. Woot. I’m going to read every single post from the beginning later tonight. I’m so happy! Must post and start reading.

> Placebo - English Summer Rain
> Ladytron - Cracked LCD, Playgirl, Light and Magic, Blue Jeans

I’m still in the uber-nihilist mode. Depressing. But I guess it doesn’t have to be depressing. I don’t know whether I talked about my obsession with this cool band called Ladytron. They’re really cool…like, 80s inspired synth pop. I love it.

I’m actually typing this, that’s why it isn’t too verbose. I’m IMing Tara. I was depressed that there wasn’t anyone online, and now that someone is talking to me I feel the tremendous weight of having to keep up my end of a doomed conversation. I just can’t cope. I’m vaguely watching Amelie while I listen to Ladytron and Placebo.

Taggart just signed on. I blocked him. I had decided to block him ever since Kelly told me that her boss has a crush on him. Everyone will love him just because it’s him. I have to be the exception to the rule. I have to not love him any more. That’s impossible. I guess I’m a masochist…he could have whispered in my ear the most beautiful loving things and it would have been just as endearing as him breaking up with me. The image in my mind is of him reaching into my chest and pulling me close, ripping out my heart as he tenderly kisses me, then running away with it still beating as I crumple in a river of blood and die, finally whole at last.

I’m too much of a romantic for my own good. Oh, the reason I started this post was because I thought of something cute to do if I ever found a lover. We could get shirts made that said “Vladmir” and “Estragon” and make fun of anybody that didn’t get it. We could lie in bed all afternoon watching sad movies and cry or we could drive around listening to electronica, we could go to the beach and cuddle on the rock as the sun set. In a perfect world.

Well, I do have my small comforts, Ladytron and Daft Punk and Amelie and my warm room and my computer and my blog and my comforting music and the soft colored lights in my room and my TV and my computer and my soft bed and all my books and my painting and my Orgy poster and my comfy rocking chair. Yet I would give it all up for someone to cuddle with and talk about the meaning of existence with and to read with. I hate how sickeningly needy I am. Well, I have gone a year without love. I’ve gone a year without even ersatz love. Last year around January was when I fell in love with Taggart. This will be a melancholy year indeed if something wonderful doesn’t happen.

But I guess nothing beautiful and wonderful and life-changing and meaningful will ever happen. This winter is truly the winter of discontent. I feel the cold down deep. I feel like I will grow so nihilistic, cynical, and jaded that I will never even be able to tell what love is any more. I think it’s already happened. Once these dreams of a life apart from misery and loneliness die, there will be nothing of me left…if there ever was anything of me to begin with.

I started Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass this weekend, I finished the first half, I’m really liking it. I can really relate to Alice. Tara had to go a while ago. I feel like I can relate to her more now that we talked about evil ex-boyfriends. But I guess that’s like feeling like you know someone because you both like peanut butter. I hate myself. But that’s the same as loving myself. I hate that it’s 2 a.m. and all I can do is complain. I just want to be loved, but so does everybody else. There is no point. Life is misery. I just want to cry. It’s been a year. I’m so sick of being alone. I’m so sick of secretly hating everyone around me. I’m tired of waiting. I just want to scream as loud as I can to try to break through…to break the spell…but there is no spell. There is no witch, no demon. There is nothing stopping me from being happy. There is nothing to triumph over, just myself. I never loved myself. I never had any friends as a child. We never escape our childhoods. Am I going to be alone forever? God. I hope I read this again in twenty years and laugh. But the sad thing is that I won’t. I’m stuck in this abyss forever. There is no way out.

I don’t think I can handle another year in this prison of loneliness and lies. I need to move to Paris, to New York, to anywhere, the Seventh Circle of Hell would be desirable to this ennui. I need to go to bed, it’s Tawna’s BBQ tomorrow. I’ll probably sleep through it. I’m not in the mood. Maybe I will be tomorrow. Oh, I jogged today. I went really far. I’m sure I’ll feel like I got hit by a semi tomorrow morning. But I refuse to get fat. It would be the worst thing indeed to meet Mr. Right and be overweight. I’m so sad. I refuse postponing happiness until next year. I WANT IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I WANT LOVE. I WANT HATE. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING–ANYTHING–FOR A CHANGE. FUCK ENNUI. I WANT INTELLECT. I WANT ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE. I WANT MYSTERY. I WANT A MILLION POSSIBILITIES. I hate this life. I can’t wait another year for happiness. Oh god…I hope it’s not that long. Oh god. A year is such a long time to wait to be happy. I can’t… I just can’t… I can’t wait any more.