I worked hard at my job today, I had to put in all these community calendar entries–almost everything in my folder. But it was okay. I got it all done. I took this when I was doing my research paper last night.

They’re cleaning out the former darkroom at the Triplicate, and getting rid of a hell of a lot of expensive equipment. I wonder who’s decision it was to give away the $600+ enlarger machine. They’re getting rid of a lot of stuff that I think the photography program at the college could use. I want to snag it for Diane, but she’s sort of a loon, I’m afraid she would say something sarcastic or say that the stuff wasn’t necessary or useful. Well, I doubt that. There’s a film dryer, which the lab needs. And a bunch of developing tubs. I meant to ask Mike today whether I could snag whatever they were going to throw away, but I forgot.

I was just looking at some cool t-shirts. I found two that I would have bought, but I went to my online banking and it says I only have $20. No t-shirts for me. I couldn’t get L’Etranger out of my head today…Joe and Tawna and the Lounge Gang were playing cards…it just kind of dawned on me. The “gentle indifference of the world.” Nothing matters. They could play cards or we could go do something. It didn’t matter…it never would matter. Nothing we said or did would ever matter. Ever. And it’s okay.

I finally found that site where you can download old propaganda movies and such!

It’s www.archive.org!

> L7 - Monster
> Massive Attack - Mezzanine
> Vitalic - You Prefer Cocaine (Felix Da Housecat Remix)
> The Cure - Killing an Arab

Okay, I’ve been reading the chapter on research papers in my St. Martin’s Handbook, and it’s given me some valuable insight. I’m going to fill out one of the little prompt things it has:

Topic: The Stranger by Albert Camus
Issue: The philosophy of The Stranger
Research Question: What are the opinions on what the philosophy of the book is?
Hypothesis: The book deals with absurdism, and not Existentialism.

Hmm… I’ve learned quite a bit from reading this chapter. I guess I could argue that the kind of emotional detachment displayed by Meursault, the main character of L’Etranger is unrealistic, and in creating an unrealistic absurdist “hero,” Camus defeats his own arguments.

I read this one essay about the relationship between Camus and Sartre, and how they differed in their philosophies. I haven’t read Sartre yet…(I actually just bought his book La Nausée last week on Amazon.com. I guess my main problem is that I don’t know what the differences between existentialism and absurdism are. I think my main problem lies in the fact that “existentialism” is basically a label slapped onto a bunch of philosophies. Shit, my carpal tunnel is starting to act up. I’d better switch to voice-recognition if I’m ever to finish this bastard.

Okay, from what I’ve read, Sartre’s existentialism is a philosophy that is predicated on individual choice. Absurdism is simply concerned with the fact that everything is absurd and anything can happen and it means nothing. I’m probably screwing this up, but it doesn’t matter. I’m 19. I can generalize the works of the most important philosophers of the twenty-first century into three sentences if I want to. Okay…what the hell is my argument? I guess I could focus on….umm…

Par. 1 - Precis
Par. 2 - the character of Meursault, the absurdist “hero”
Par. 3 - Camus not an existentialist
Par. 4 - The later humanism of “The Plague”
Par. 5 -

I’m never going to get this done. Heh. I never thought I’d fail. It’s not like me to fail. Well, to fail at English. I guess I’m just stupid. Stupid people can still read books. Stupid people can remember the books they read. Stupid people can be egotists and condiscend to the people who haven’t read the same books. I’m fucking stupid. I’m never going to finish this motherfucking paper. I guess there’s a difference between being well-read and being smart. If I was smart I could write this paper easily. If I was smart I could write a thesis. If I was smart I could fucking choose a fucking topic that I could write on. This is fucking pointless.

I just want to take a baseball bat to everything I own when I get in this mood. The mood where I feel worthless and stupid. The mood where I just fucking sit here and wallow in self-pity without typing the essay that I need to type. Fuck. It’s 10:30. It’s just not coming. I’m never going to fucking finish this. Then I’ll flunk out of college, my dad will kick me out, and then I will start looking like a bum so they’ll fire me from my job and then I’ll starve to death. Fun fun.

When I was reading some of these essays, I detected in some of them this condiscending tone towards the notion that life is meaningless. Life is meaningless, so what’s the point of writing this essay anyway? I really can’t find a reason. But I have to do it anyway, so I can get some dead-end job that I hate. It’s 10:35. I can’t even write five pages of bullshit at this rate. I guess I could try. Even if I write meaningless philosophobabble and I use the citations and quotes correctly, I’ll still get at least a 50% F. I guess I could write a Jerry essay. I can’t do that. I can’t write bullshit. I’ll try.

“We don’t want a world where the guarantee of not dying of starvation brings the risk of dying of boredom.”

(Nous ne voulons pas d’un monde où la certitude de ne pas mourir de faim s’échange contre le risque de mourir d’ennui.)

–Graffiti from the May 1968 demonstrations in France.

Gosh, I’m trying to summarize The Stranger and I can’t come up with anything, I need to reread the book. It shouldn’t take too long, it’s only like 100 pages.

Fuck.

It’s 11:46 and I’m only halfway through reading it again. I’m not even at Part II yet. Would it be right to give up? I need to get enough sleep so I can do well on my drama final…but drama doesn’t count for anything, only 1B counts. I’m torn. I need to choose a new topic because I’m lost in this one and have no idea how to approach it, but choosing a new topic would mean doing new research, and I don’t have time for that. Oh god. I’m going to fail.

Oh, fuck failing. I CAN BULLSHIT. I am the master of bullshit. I am at Zen with bullshit. I will prevail.

I’m listening to The Cure’s “Killing an Arab” to try to get entire being focused on this book. I think I’ll use it in my essay.

Oh yeah! I am the grand vizier of bullshit. I pumped myself full of high-grade Earl Grey (the Darius equivalent of high-octane fuel) and I am halfway through with page three. I am excreting philosophobabble to the greatest extent possible. I am also groovin’ to “You Prefer Cocaine (Felix Da Housecat Remix)” this SWEET song by Vitalic. I’d post a link to download it, but since I’m now Public Enemy #1, I can’t exactly be bending copyright law, can I? Oh god, this song is so sexy! I want to go to a sultry, humid trance club in Algiers and dance with cute bois to this song all night! I’m totally on a caffiene high, but that’s okay, because I’m going to get this paper done! Whoo!

Okay, it’s about 2 a.m. and my caffiene is wearing off…I just need to finish this damn page and cram some more citations in…I think it’s time for a new cup of tea. Nope, I’m too hyped up on caffiene already. I can’t write any more. It’s 2 a.m. I only have 3 1/2 pages. It isn’t good. It isn’t long enough. It’s shitty. I’m embarrassed to turn it in, if it wasn’t for my grade being at stake. I might even get a C if I pass. Gosh, that would be interesting, wouldn’t it? Me getting a C in English. God. I might as well proofread the thing and print it out. I’d better hand it in so I can burn it after I get it back. No one can ever know I wrote such shit.

OMG I just watched the banned video for Manson’s (s)AINT. IT WAS SO COOL. I think I like Manson again. On a whim, I went to his website and it’s all different. He’s still touring. He’ll be in L.A. in December. That video was SO cool/disturbing. No wonder it was banned. Wow. But I need to proof this piece of shit and print it out so I can hand it in tomorrow.

Wow, that wasn’t too much of a piece of shit, it’s actually kinda good…but like, it’s too short. I’ll get a bad grade for sure. I’d better print it up and go to bed,

it’s 2:43 a.m..

Motherfuckers. I just fucking realized that whenever I quoted the book I have to put the fucking page number so now I have to fucking go back through and put all the fucking page number. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK I JUST WANT TO BE FUCKING DONE. I WANT TO GET A FUCKING GOOD NIGHT’S SLEEP. I’M GOING TO FUCKING FAIL MY FUCKING CLASS. I’M GOING TO FUCKING FAIL MY DRAMA FINAL.

Whatever. At least I’m done. Done. Fin. Over. Ended. It’s 3:25 a.m. I’m going to take a shower so I can maybe attempt to get up tomorrow to write my midterm. I am going to to incredibly bad on it. I’ll only get four hours of sleep. But who cares? I definitely don’t. I’m just going to post this without proofing it. Who cares anyway.