It’s 6:13 a.m. and I really should have slept longer, but I can’t. I have to leave soon. I’m really freaked out about making this trip, but once I get on the bus it will be okay. I hope SO much that it isn’t crowded and that I can snag a seat in the first few rows. That would be so cool. Well, I should have breakfast. It’s a long road ahead.
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I killed Matt’s site. I sent him an e-mail. I’m too tired to fix it. His FTP server was fucking whacked out, though. Weird shit. But anyway, I’m too tired to stay up any longer but my dad leaves at 6:30 so I’m going to have to get up at like five, which is only a few hours from now. So I’m fucked. I need to ask him if we can stop at the store so I can get some bottled water for the journey. Man cannot live on powerbars alone. You can actually live for like two weeks with just water but you can only live a few days without food/water. I don’t know where I get this shit from. But anyway, I need to go to sleep. Even if it is only for a few hours. When I’m in those uncomfortable bus seats I’m going to wish I took advantage of this prime sleep time.
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> Nine Inch Nails – Reptilian
It’s 1 a.m. and I’m drooling over iPod knockoffs. It’s only because I’m traveling and it would be useful. For 99% of my life, it would just be a waste of money. I’m sad that I can’t take Massive Attack’s 100th Window (not enough space on my device). But then again, Massive Attack is very quiet, you have to listen to it in silence to get all the subtle harmonies and everything…and the roaring of a diesel bus isn’t quite that. I’ve decided that it’s pointless to go to sleep tonight. I just have all these things that I want…but I guess I should stop wanting them because they won’t make me happy. I want a cell phone, I hope I have enough money when I get back to pay my mom back (she lent me some money for the trip, or I wouldn’t have been able to do it) and to be able to get a cell phone. I’m going to try to work as many hours as I can. I mean, the one I want is only $50. I guess I’ll get a $20 card of minutes too, but I don’t have to get that right away.
Secretly I can’t wait to get back to my sad pathetic life in what Becky aptly calls “another dimension.” I can’t wait to work so hard in pursuit of my pathetic little goals. It amuses me to have the “metacognition” (is that the right word?) to know that my life is meaningless and that everything that I tell myself will make me happy won’t. I know that all my hopes are pointless, all my education is pointless. Stupid people will join me in the same place, doing the same thing: rotting in the ground. I don’t know what the point is. All I know is that I’m a machine. I’m a reading machine and a fucking machine and a web design machine and a computer operating machine and a party machine. I hate being a machine. I hate being an animal. I want to be something pure, something real, something that matters…but nothing matters. Nothing will ever matter. Hope is doublethink. God is doublethink. I know what I feel. It’s existence. Sickening…I can feel the blood sucking through my animal veins, my arm…typing…all the muscles and tendons jerking like corpses stimulated with electricity–I can feel my arm…my rib cage…it won’t go away…I can feel all of their existence…it’s so fucking disgusting. There is no escape. There never is any escape.
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I think I just killed Matt C.’s site. I knew I shouldn’t have worked on it. With his FTP server, whatever can go wrong will go wrong. His server is SOOO fucking weird.
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Oh, I just wanted to add that I’m going to be audioblogging from the road, every place that we stop for a while I’m going to find a pay phone and audioblog.
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