I killed Matt’s site. I sent him an e-mail. I’m too tired to fix it. His FTP server was fucking whacked out, though. Weird shit. But anyway, I’m too tired to stay up any longer but my dad leaves at 6:30 so I’m going to have to get up at like five, which is only a few hours from now. So I’m fucked. I need to ask him if we can stop at the store so I can get some bottled water for the journey. Man cannot live on powerbars alone. You can actually live for like two weeks with just water but you can only live a few days without food/water. I don’t know where I get this shit from. But anyway, I need to go to sleep. Even if it is only for a few hours. When I’m in those uncomfortable bus seats I’m going to wish I took advantage of this prime sleep time.
> Nine Inch Nails - Reptilian
It’s 1 a.m. and I’m drooling over iPod knockoffs. It’s only because I’m traveling and it would be useful. For 99% of my life, it would just be a waste of money. I’m sad that I can’t take Massive Attack’s 100th Window (not enough space on my device). But then again, Massive Attack is very quiet, you have to listen to it in silence to get all the subtle harmonies and everything…and the roaring of a diesel bus isn’t quite that. I’ve decided that it’s pointless to go to sleep tonight. I just have all these things that I want…but I guess I should stop wanting them because they won’t make me happy. I want a cell phone, I hope I have enough money when I get back to pay my mom back (she lent me some money for the trip, or I wouldn’t have been able to do it) and to be able to get a cell phone. I’m going to try to work as many hours as I can. I mean, the one I want is only $50. I guess I’ll get a $20 card of minutes too, but I don’t have to get that right away.
Secretly I can’t wait to get back to my sad pathetic life in what Becky aptly calls “another dimension.” I can’t wait to work so hard in pursuit of my pathetic little goals. It amuses me to have the “metacognition” (is that the right word?) to know that my life is meaningless and that everything that I tell myself will make me happy won’t. I know that all my hopes are pointless, all my education is pointless. Stupid people will join me in the same place, doing the same thing: rotting in the ground. I don’t know what the point is. All I know is that I’m a machine. I’m a reading machine and a fucking machine and a web design machine and a computer operating machine and a party machine. I hate being a machine. I hate being an animal. I want to be something pure, something real, something that matters…but nothing matters. Nothing will ever matter. Hope is doublethink. God is doublethink. I know what I feel. It’s existence. Sickening…I can feel the blood sucking through my animal veins, my arm…typing…all the muscles and tendons jerking like corpses stimulated with electricity–I can feel my arm…my rib cage…it won’t go away…I can feel all of their existence…it’s so fucking disgusting. There is no escape. There never is any escape.
I think I just killed Matt C.’s site. I knew I shouldn’t have worked on it. With his FTP server, whatever can go wrong will go wrong. His server is SOOO fucking weird.
Oh, I just wanted to add that I’m going to be audioblogging from the road, every place that we stop for a while I’m going to find a pay phone and audioblog.
> Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy
> Strong Bad - TROGDOR
This trip isn’t as arduous to prepare for, since I’m only taking my DVDs and CDs, not my computer and stereo, but I still have to prepare. I bought my ticket this afternoon, but it looks all vague, I’m going to have to talk to the lady before I go…it doesn’t say anything on it about the return trip. The most arduous of my preparation tasks has been to fill my mp3 player with music:
But anyway, lately I’ve been listening to Massive Attack’s first album Blue Lines, and it’s so funky and cool, totally different from the dark feel of Mezzanine. Weird. I’ve been playing a lot of Diablo II Expansion, I wish I could import my old characters, but I think I have to download the latest patch, which I can’t do because I’m using a pirated serial number. After I get back from my trip, I’ll buy the pack with a real serial #. It’s only like $20. Matt C. has been e-mailing me about the website, we got together to do that today. I was loving Mac OS X until I tried to do web design on it, it was SO cumbersome and annoying. I love Windows XP again. I’m going to work on his site as soon as the damn thing will download. It’s taking forever.
The site that Matt C. is having me work on is:
http://www.cavemanrap.com/
I guess I should do some work on it.
