the diary of antoine roquentin

Okay, to remove solitaire go to the following directory:

C:\WINDOWS\System32

and then find the following file: sol.exe. You can select one of the icons and then type “sol” and it should bring you right to it. It should look like a little solitaire deck. Click on it and hit “delete.” Then there will be no more pesky solitarie. And make sure to empty the recycle bin after you’re done, so you don’t change your mind and bring it back.

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> Scissor Sisters – Music is the Victim

I was SO elated tonight! GEEKSLUT POSTED!! Spooge. I want to have geekslut’s babies. He’s my hero. But anyway…eww! I just went to the main page and he has a pic! And it’s not hot! But oh well, I’ll still picture him as a twenty-something college kid. He’s still my hero though. I followed a link somewhere on his site and I found this blog from this twenty-something architect, it was so fucking cool. When I was a kid I would look at Frank Gehry and Frank Lloyd Wright’s buildings and I was going to be an architect and design glorious buildings. It was the whole sci-fi thing, I read too many of those novels where their space ship is alive. And I guess I watched too much Farscape. But yeah, thus dude is so cool. I love the cathartic experience in blogs, it’s like you become the person that’s writing the journal, like you’re writing in your own blog as a different person. I just love it. But anyway, here’s the dude’s site:

cool dude’s site

I wish I actually did things, but I guess I’m just too much of a writer to actually experience things. I’m a voyeur. Hmm, I love the design of cool dude’s site. Maybe I should simplify my website, even on a superficial level. But the thing is, the more I think about it, it’s hard to resist the temptation that everything–that all these choices in our lives–that everthing is superficial. Darn I love quoting movies. Bonus Darius points of you can identify it! And not you, Josh. We just watched it last week. You are exempt.

OMG, I just found the funniest thing on this other dude’s blog:

http://members.shaw.ca/stayasyouare/tohwpmt.html

It’s a list of the 100 worst porn movie titles. SO funny. Well, I should get started on my “how to remove solitaire from one’s computer” post. Why? Because I can.

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Yeah, the expansion pack did get better. I’ll eventually kill Baal and it will all be over. Lame. I’m doing anything to avoid practicing my speech. I’ve been leaving random music messages on Josh (Stranger)’s machine. I was going to reenact a scene from Waiting for Godot, but I thought I’d start cracking up. My mom called me, I helped her with this big paper. It was an okay paper. Then she called me and made me do my speech. I wrote it out and everything, now I need to make an outline.

My speech:

Hi, my name is Arthur. I bring my book bag up here because for as long as I can remember, I’ve loved to read. When I was a boy, my mom wouldn’t allow me to watch TV. Of course, I protested. “When I have kids, I’m going to let them watch TV all day long!” I would shout. But now I know why she did that. I don’t have many memories from my childhood, but one thing I do remember is my mom reading to me. And that I’ve always loved books. I know it sounds like library propaganda, but I learned that books could take you places that you could never get through a TV screen. My absolute favorite book that I would have my mom read to me was called “Puss in Boots” [take out book]. She must have read this to me hundreds of times, and even now I sometimes pull it out and look at it. After my childhood books, I didn’t read anything too interesting until high school. I was in the market for new ideas, so I asked one of my English teachers what I she would recommend. She asked me what my favorite movie was, and I said Gattaca. “Well then you have to read Brave New World,” she said. It instantly was my favorite, and it opened up a whole avenue of ideas for me. In some ways, this is the cornerstone of the person I am. If I would never have read this, I would be a completely different person. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do watch TV—everbody does. But I’ve always seen the difference between mindless entertainment and intellectual entertainment. I’ve read books that sometimes it’s taken me years to get through, but when I finally finish them, I have this great feeling—this “Wow, I know something that I didn’t know before.” So of course, after reading Brave New World (which was on banned book lists for years, I started reading things that were a little more—strange. I saw the movie version of this novel at about 3 a.m. on the Independent Film Channel, and it immediately captivated me. It was the antithesis of anything I’d ever read before. The characters were shallow, lacked motivation, and the whole plot was fixated on sex and death. Not any kind of death, but death in car crashes. I loved it, of course. But when you boiled down all the sex and death, the philosophy behind it was that human beings are machines in the same way that their cars were. I read a lot more about this, but the most fun read of any of these was Invisible Monsters, by Chuck P. I just loved the narration, it was flippant and MTV, all centered on the philosophical argument that the only way to accomplish anything meaningful was to make the wrong decisions. One of the characters got a sex change, not because he wanted to be a woman, but just because he thought that was the biggest mistake he could ever make. Last year, my journey through literature was centered on the French absurdist and existentialist movement. I read Albert Camus’ novel The Stranger, and was just blown away. The plot of The Stranger (if you haven’t read it) is about a man who lives in North Africa who quite inexplicably shoots an Arab. The only reason that one can find is that the sun made him do it. I really identified with the idea that the universe is inexplicable, and I started reading the works of Jean-Paul Sartre, one of Camus’ friends. He wrote my current favorite novel, Nausea. Nausea is about a man who is just disgusted by his own existence. It’s a really fascinating read. I know that this isn’t the end of my literary journey by a long shot. I know a lot of people who regard reading on about the same level as a visit to the dentist, but there’s one great difference. When’s the last time you saw a TV show and said to yourself “Wow, I’ve never had that thought before!”

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> Massive Attack – Angel
> Madonna – Physical Attraction

It’s the middle of the night, I worked a little on my speech and played some Diablo II. I’m falling back on my voice recognition to allow me to use the computer. I’m instant messaging Stranger. I just want to go to sleep, but I drank some tea to get me into the speech writing mood. Motherfucker. This voice thing is being shitty. Fuck fuck fuck. I just hate everyone. Oh, I had this really strange dream with Joe in it. For some reason we were hanging out at this gigantic complex of playgrounds and talking. It was just really strange and every few minutes someone would call out “OH MY GOD IS THAT STRONGBAD?” and point and sometimes it would be him and other times it wouldn’t be. Weird. I got really far in Diablo II, I almost got to the point of releasing Diablo, I had about three of the seals open, but the fourth seal conjured up demons that were too powerful for me, even when I morphed into a werebear (which doubles my life). Maybe I’ll play Lavinia, my Assassin. I had high hopes of destroying Diablo with my druid and opening the portal to the expansion pack’s last city. Oh well.

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> Ladytron – Cease2xist
> Daft Punk – Digital Love
> Björk – Pagan Poetry
> Nine Inch Nails – La Mer

I just played that demo game for a while longer, I managed to not die (but still couldn’t add skill points) until it was all “The demo is over.” I wouldn’t buy it. It’s like RuneScape, with better graphics. Actually, it’s exactly like RuneScape, except that it’s not massively multiplayer. Well now that I think about it, it did have a multiplayer option. Lame. I wish someone would come up with a truly original RPG with more outcomes than “beat the baddies.”

I’m so fucking bored. I hate existing. It’s so disgusting and animalistic. I hate how no thought I think is new. I hate how I’m programmed by television, by novels, existentialism and nihilism are just cogs in the machine. I’m me because someone else thought things. I’m me becuase someone else thought all my thoughts before me so they would be safe, so they could be hardbound in novels and sold at Barnes and Noble for $7.99. I hate products. I hate consumerism. But I can’t hate it. I am a product. I am the system. I am the mirror image of all those products there on the shelves. There’s no point in opposing anything. Anything we oppose we’re programmed to oppose, any way to get out of the system is planned for, with corporate profits to wring out of every possible route. I hate this place.

I guess my only solace in this must be my mortality. I revel in it. I cuddle with it every cold night where I’m so alone, with my only friends so far away. My death. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It comforts me deeply knowing that my endless empty weekends won’t be endless after all. Thank the gods. But anyway, Stranger called me up today because he “missed the sound of my voice.” I’m not sure what that means. But then again I suppose I’m becoming the Taggart I always wanted to be. I really don’t miss people. Well, I do, but I just don’t think about it.

Hm, that reminds me of something. I was sitting in my car parked on the street near my work, listening to music and waiting for it to be time to go in. I was listening to Daft Punk’s Discovery, and this song Digital Love came on, it’s this cute love song, the video is of this anime guy and girl flying around on this planet and being in love and such, and I closed my eyes, trying to picture who would be with me on my flying around on planets in love video. Justin? No. Peng? Hell no. Royce? Maybe…but no. And then, of course, I had to picture Taggart. I guess I didn’t see the harm in it until the fantasy was over, but still. In the past I’d tried so hard, steeled myself not to have any love fantasies (not sexual fantasies, those are harmless) about him, and it was successuful. Last time I saw him I felt absolutely nothing. But slipping backwards isn’t cool. But it was such a cute thing. Oh well. I have to have a fake lover. I mean, that’s what it was the whole time, right?

Stranger just signed on. I’m listening to this remix of Ladytron’s “Seventeen,” it was a bonus track on Light and Magic when I bought it. This remix rocks my crotch. I wish that good songs were sexually stimulating, this song would give me a raging hardon if that were true. Stranger is ranting about this guy Richie that he had a fling with a while ago and didn’t talk to him when he saw him at work. See, he’s already embroiled in the “gay community.” I’m going to try to restrict myself from saying the phrase “I’m so bored” in my blog. But I suppose that would be pointless. It’s 1 a.m. I need to fucking get to sleep.

I was reading some of the speech book. I’m going to fail this class. The book was telling me all this crap about thinking positively, but (as you all know) it’s not like that’s going to happen anytime soon. I’m trying to mold my inexhaustable well of cynicism into some sort of ersatz optomism, inasmuch as I believe that I know how I’m going to do. I dunno. I don’t have time to ponder all of that positive drivel that book has been excreting into my eyeballs. I should finish the chapter. I need to at least do a practice speech, even if I’m going to wing it. Maybe if I practice doing it cold turkey I’ll eventually ascertain what I want to say, what point I want to make, and how I’m going to do it. The beginning is the most important part, and I have no clue how I’m going to start it. Well, my goal for tomorrow is to figure out how to start my speech.

I doubt I’ll do it. I need to go to sleep.

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