> Daft Punk - Aerodynamic
> Massive Attack - Lately (such a cool song)
> Massive Attack - Be Thankful For What You Got

The party was really fun in its gestalt, but it had its ups and downs. All of our necks hurt from all the headbanging/moshing to NIN. I think someone totally stole my camera, it was in the car when we went to Ralph’s, and since we got back (somebody didn’t lock one of the doors) I haven’t seen it since. I should check again since it’s light out, but I really doubt it’s there. I hope Kathy gets up, I tried to knock on her door but there was no answer. I hope she’s okay today. Um, Shawn just gave us all rides home, we have to start our lives again and come back from the parallel dimension. Kelly is at work and has to be picked up at five. I wish Kathy was up so I could do something like make her breakfast. She just seems so–out of touch with reality and just needs someone to take care of her. It’s horrible how she has to spend all that time cloistered away in her room. I hope I never get back pain like that. Oh, Taggart was there when we dropped of Kelly at her work. And so was that one guy that Kelly kept saying hi to at the party, Dustin. He was here last night too. He left his hat.

I want to listen to music but there’s something wrong with Dan’s speakers–or I’m too daft to figure out how to turn them on. Whoa, that was creepy. Grammie just called to wish us all a happy new year. God she’s so creepy. I wish she wasn’t so crazy so I could like live with her and go to ARC, but I just wouldn’t be able to pretend to swallow her Jesus crap. Ah, got out my mp3 player, I’m glad no one stole that. Lol, Kelly said that me losing my camera was electronic karma for killing her computer. I feel SO bad about that, omg. I wish I had enough money in the bank to buy her a new one. I mean, I’m going to start saving money this year, but like…she needs it now, like this week, she has a PowerPoint presentation due. Damn damn damn, I’m going to have to buy the Drift another camera. Oh well, I wanted a cooler digital camera anyway. I want one of the super-slim ones that you can fit in your pocket with ease. And I want to get a 512MB SD card so I can store a bunch of pics. I wonder how much money I got in my paycheck. I hope nobody cares that I didn’t come in Thursday. Well, I cleared it with Tom, so nobody should bitch at me. He’s the boss when Mike is gone. God, I’m like the only person here. It’s really weird. Oh, I should check my e-mail. Maybe that guy from SF e-mailed me.

No, but Shawn did, that’s totally cool. We were e-mailing each other from across Kelly’s bedroom, it was really amusing. I’m determined to install a The Cheat light switch in my room now. I’d better try to get Kathy up, if we don’t get started soon then it will be time to get Kelly from work and I will never get new boots. And mine are totally falling apart. I mean, I want some pants and stuff, but the shoes are totally necessary. I wonder what I’ll do if they don’t have any cool boots. I mean, I guess boots are just a fashion statement. Maybe I’ll get skater shoes, they’re comfy…but they don’t stay comfy. Boots are mildly uncomfortable, but at least they stay that way, skater shoes get really really really uncomfortable after a few months.

MySpace isn’t letting me log in, damn it. Crap. It’s almost three. I need to see if Kathy has rejoined the realm of the living.

But yeah, I like had this really depressing realization that nothing mattered and that this whole party was stupid and completely fucking pointless and we’re all just products to be sold at the highest bidders to corporate America. Fuck. But I like being sold. I like being a prostitute. At least we get cool music like Daft Punk. There’s no escaping it. I guess I am a fucking darkie. I hate 2004. I hate Taggart. I hate how meaningless everything is. I hate how this whole world is just the Roman Empire all over again. It just gets shittier and shitter. Fucking fuck. Maybe 2005 will be better. But I fucking doubt it. I was so idealistic and nihilistic last year, but I realized that all that darkie shit is pointless and it’s a reason to live in itself. There is no reason to live but for the hope that life will someday get better, but it never will. People like Taggart will just fucking take advantage of me until I get AIDS and die. But I kind of see my life going in that direction anyway. Hey, I might have AIDS right now. I’ve never been tested. God, why am I so depressed? I should be really happy being here will all my friends that I LOVE, but I dunno. At times when I should be so happy that I wouldn’t even contemplate it, I just feel the urge to blog about how I’m not happy. I guess I should write all the same old bullshit about wanting someone to love me, but there is no one that is perfect for me. Oh well, why hold back. I want someone to love me. I want someone to hold me in their arms and tell me it will be okay. But it will never happen.

“Way?”
“Way.”

Everyone who has seen Nowhere will get the above reference. That’s why I like Gregg Araki movies. Dan is an idealist (not in the Platonic sense), but I guess I am too…I mean, I would just kill myself if I didn’t have some hope that someday someone would love me, for at least like a week. But I didn’t even get a fucking week. God, this isn’t helping. I feel like such shit. I think it’s just that all the Taggart memories are coming back. Can you believe he actually called here and asked for a ride to work? He totally just wanted me to fuck him again. I think I got a disease from him, but I guess I shouldn’t bitch about that. I’m always too afraid to go to the doctor. So, in conclusion, we’re all going to die and this party sucks because in its fun it makes me realize all the horrible things about this world. I wish Becky was here, I always have SO much less fun when she’s not around. I’m jealous of her having a cool conversation with Devin, I wish I could have something that felt like it mattered. But I can’t feel anything. Nothing matters. I can’t wait until I’m dead so I will be proved right that life is pointless and hope is just an evolutionary device so we won’t kill ourselves. I’m too weak to kill myself. I always knew that.